Mrs. Kormel Is Not Normal! (2 page)

“Bingle boo! Limpus kidoodle,” said Mrs. Kormel.

Andrea's equally annoying crybaby friend Emily got on the bus in front of her house. She sat down next to Andrea, and they studied Andrea's dumb flash cards together.

“Is everybody here?” asked Mrs. Kormel after she picked up a few more kids.

“Yes,” we all said.

“If you're not here, raise your hand.”

I knew that was a trick question, because if somebody wasn't there we wouldn't be able to see if their hand was up. But just to be on the safe side, I got up in my seat to see if anybody who wasn't there had their hand up.

“Limpus kidoodle, A.J.,” said Mrs. Kormel.

In case you don't remember, that means “sit down.” Mrs. Kormel doesn't like it when we get out of our seats.

“No standing on the seats,” said Mrs. Kormel.

“Can I kneel on my seat?” I asked.

“You can only kneel on your seat if your name is Neil. Anyone named Neil may kneel.”

“Can I stand if my name is Stan?” asked Ryan.

“Okay,” said Mrs. Kormel. “If your name
is Stan, you can stand.”

“I can't stand sitting down,” Michael said.

“Nobody can stand sitting down,” Ryan said. “If you're sitting down, you're not standing.”

“Can you crouch if your name is Crouch?” I asked.

“There's nobody named Crouch!” Andrea told me. She thinks she knows everything.

“Oh yeah?” I said. “What about that guy on Sesame Street named Oscar the Crouch?”

“That's Oscar the
Grouch
, dumbhead!” Andrea said.

I knew that.

“Now that we're all here, how about singing a song to make the ride go quicker?” suggested Mrs. Kormel.

“Let's sing ‘The Wheels on the Bus'!” said Andrea. “I love that song.”

“I hate that song,” I said. “Can we sing ‘Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall'?”

Mrs. Kormel said we couldn't sing about beer because kids aren't allowed to drink beer. I wouldn't want to drink beer even if I was allowed to. My dad gave me a sip of his beer once. I thought I was gonna throw up. Mrs. Kormel said we could sing “Ninety-nine Bottles of Pop on the Wall” if we wanted to.

The girls started singing “The Wheels
on the Bus.” The boys started singing “Ninety-nine Bottles of Pop on the Wall.” Me and Michael and Ryan tried to sing louder than all the girls. Andrea and Emily tried to sing louder than all the boys. It was really
loud
in there.

Soon everybody on the bus was screaming, and kids were bouncing around like Mexican jumping beans. I covered my ears so my head wouldn't explode.

Something about being on a school bus makes you want to go crazy. Maybe it's all that yellow.

I'll bet Mrs. Kormel was sorry she told us to sing. Suddenly she blew her whistle
really
loud.

“Zingy zip!” she yelled.

That's her way of saying “quiet down” in her secret language. Everybody stopped singing.

“Shhhhh, my cell phone is ringing,” said Mrs. Kormel. “It's Mr. Klutz.”

Mr. Klutz is our principal. He is like the king of the school. He's bald, too. One time he kissed a pig. This other time he got stuck on the top of the flagpole. Another time he was climbing the school, and the custodian had to rescue him by sticking one of those toilet plungers on his head. We saw it live and in person. Mr. Klutz is nuts!

“What does Mr. Klutz want?” somebody yelled.

Mrs. Kormel finished talking to Mr. Klutz and turned around to whisper something to the boy in the row behind her. He turned around and whispered something to the girl in the row behind him. She turned and whispered something to the girl in the row across from her, who then turned and whispered something to Michael.

“We have to go pick up a nude kid,” Michael whispered.

“A nude kid?” I said. “That's disgusting!”

“That nude kid better not sit next to me,” said Ryan.

“Tell the nude kid to put some clothes on!” said Michael.

We hadn't even met him yet, but suddenly everybody on the bus was buzzing about the nude kid.

“Some people don't believe in wearing clothes,” said Andrea, who thinks she knows everything. “They're called nudists.”

“I call 'em freaks,” said Ryan.

“My parents say we should respect and celebrate people's differences,” Emily said.

“Your parents are weird,” I told her.

“What's the big deal?” Andrea asked. “After all, we were born without clothing.”

“You were born without a brain,” I couldn't resist adding. Anytime anyone says anything about being born, always say they were born without a brain. That's the first rule of being a kid.

“I'm nude under my clothes,” Ryan told us.

“Thanks for sharing that with us,” I told him. “Now I'm totally grossed out.”

Andrea said that nudists save a lot of
money because they don't have to buy clothes. But Michael said that nudists have to spend a lot of money because they always have to buy sunscreen. But Emily said that nudists save a lot of money because they don't have to do laundry. But Ryan said that nudists have to spend a lot of money to heat their
houses because they're so cold.

“The nude kid probably doesn't even have a closet at home,” I said, “because he doesn't have any clothes to put in it.”

“Do you think nude kids are allowed to wear hats?” asked Michael.

“Zingy zip!” yelled Mrs. Kormel.

Mrs. Kormel had pulled out a big map and she had it opened up on top of the steering wheel. She told us we had to be quiet while she figured out the directions. I bet it's hard to drive and look at a map at the same time.

To make things even worse, it started raining. Mrs. Kormel put the windshield wipers on. All the girls started to sing,
“‘The wipers on the bus go
swish swish swish, swish swish swish, swish swish swish
!'”

“Zingy zip!” Mrs. Kormel yelled again. “I can't concentrate.”

We drove for a long time in the rain. It was hard to go so long without talking.

“Are we there yet?” somebody asked.

“No,” said Mrs. Kormel.

“Are we lost?” Emily asked.

“Of course not,” said Mrs. Kormel. “I just don't know where we are.”

“Oh no, we're going to miss Show and Share!” Andrea said to Emily, like she was all worried. “And I spent all weekend making my spelling flash cards.”

Ha-ha-ha! I spent all weekend playing football. Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her! We were going to be late for school. It was great! I hoped Mrs. Kormel wouldn't find the right way to the nude kid's house for a while. Because right after Show and Share, we have math.

And I hate math.

Mrs. Kormel drove for a million hundred hours, and we
still
hadn't reached the nude kid's house. Where
was
it? Now Show and Share was over for sure. We probably missed math, too. If we didn't get to school soon, we would miss our DEAR time. That stands for Drop Everything and Read.

I hate reading.

Finally we drove by some big trucks and there was a sign that said
DETOUR
.

“Hey, we're going to take a tour,” said Ryan. “Tours are cool!”

“Detours aren't tours, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “Workers are fixing the road, so Mrs. Kormel has to get off this road and go another way to the nude kid's house.”

“Bix blattinger!” said Mrs. Kormel as she slammed her fist against the steering wheel.

I don't know what “bix blattinger” means, but that's what Mrs. Kormel
always says when she gets really angry or frustrated.

“What does ‘bix blattinger' mean, Mrs. Kormel?” I asked.

“Never you mind!” said Mrs. Kormel.

“I think Mrs. Kormel must have said a bad word,” said Ryan.

“But she said it in her secret language,” Michael said, “so we won't know what it means.”

You shouldn't say bad words. We all tried to figure out which bad word Mrs. Kormel said. I had heard most
of the bad words, but Michael and Ryan knew a few that I didn't know and they taught them to me. So even though we were really late for school, it was still a learning experience.

After we got off the regular road, the road we were on wasn't even a real road. It was more like a jungle or a swamp or something. There were these big plants slapping against the bus windows. The ride was bumpy, and it was still raining. Mrs. Kormel could barely see in front of her.

“This is like the rainforest,” Andrea said.

“I hope we don't get eaten by alligators,” said Michael.

“Look!” somebody yelled. A family of ducks was crossing the road in front of us.

“They're cute!” shouted all the girls.

“Let's run them over!” shouted all the boys.

I didn't
really
want Mrs. Kormel to run
over the ducks, but it was hilarious anyway.

Mrs. Kormel kept on driving, but I didn't see the nude kid's house anywhere. In fact, I didn't see
any
houses. Or human beings.

“Where
are
we?” somebody asked.

“The middle of nowhere,” said Mrs. Kormel.

I said it was too bad we weren't at the
edge
of nowhere. Because if we were at the edge of nowhere, we'd be right next to the edge of somewhere. And the edge of somewhere is near the middle of somewhere, which is where we wanted to be.

Ryan said we were probably close to the nude kid's house. Because if you were
nude, you'd probably live in the middle of nowhere. That way, nobody would see you. And that's where we were. It made sense to me.

Andrea looked at her watch and got all upset.

“We missed DEAR time!” she complained. “We're very late for school now.”

Ha-ha-ha! This was the greatest day of my life!

“Don't worry, Andrea,” said Mrs. Kormel. “I'll get you to school if it's the last thing I do.”

Just then I had a genius thought. Right after DEAR time is spelling. I hate spelling. And if we'd missed DEAR time and we weren't even at the nude kid's
house yet, there was a good chance that we were going to miss spelling, too. And that meant we would miss the big spelling test, which I didn't study for!

I decided that the nude kid was the coolest kid in the history of the world. Thanks to him, we were going to miss the big spelling test.

“Bix blattinger!” said Mrs. Kormel.

“Ooooh!” we all said. “Mrs. Kormel said that bad word again!”