Murmur of the Lonely Brook (19 page)

“This is for you. Please wear them today,” she said and looked at Nisha. Her eyes were sad but she saw a hint of glitter. Nisha nodded and set them on the bed.

“You should save this for Ria’s marriage instead of spending the money on an old girl like me.”

“We will think of that when the time comes. Meanwhile you wash and get ready. You had better get rid of that long face,” Parvati said and without waiting for an answer left her.

Nisha splashed water on her face, dried with the towel and then looked in the mirror. She rarely used anything except some
kajal
for her eyes and a
bindi
. She brushed her hair, changed into a pink kameez and put on the green topi. She wore the necklace and wrapped in the shawl that Parvati had given her.

Ria came in and kept looking at her in awe. “You look beautiful. You could easily be on TV.”

“Maybe with a sickle and a bundle of grass,” she said.

“No, I am serious. And this necklace makes you gorgeous.”

“It’s a gift from your Aama. She gave me this shawl also.”

Ria smiled, while in her mind she was making a list of ornaments she would need after marriage.

Jayshree came early and helped Parvati with the poltus and the halwa. She saw Nisha and smiled. “No wonder Diwa agreed to the marriage. There are very few in the village who can match your beauty. I hope my son takes a wife like you.”

Nisha blushed and smiled. She decided to keep smiling at everyone and everything that was said even if it required an effort.

“I see you have a new necklace. It’s beautiful.”

“It’s from Aama.”

Parvati glanced at Nisha and felt proud. She thanked Devta that her decision was right.

Ria came in a while later. She wore a kameez and a bright hooded jacket.

“So you are next in line,” Jayshree said.

Ria kept silent and simply smiled at her aunt. She liked her but was afraid of her wise words.

It was afternoon when Lamaji came. It was not necessary for him to come but Parvati insisted Shevak call him. She gave him a cushion to sit on and offered food to him. He chanted a few hymns for peace and blessed the couple. There was no ritual; rather there was no custom for rituals in such announcements. Instead, there was just a casual get-together. Diwakar looked a bit different in the traditional jacket and topi. Jayshree smiled at him and he blushed. He left the room following Lamaji.

The relatives, hardly a dozen of them, came soon afterward. Among them were Shevak’s three brothers, their wives and children, his colleague Mahajan, Balbir, and neighbor Balkishen. Everyone praised Nisha for her looks and blessed her. The women sat in the room singing songs while the men sat outside in the courtyard. Shevak took out a bottle of liquor and served everyone while Diwakar passed out almonds. Ria chatted with the girls, telling them about the city. The boys sat in one corner exchanging songs and images from each other’s mobile phones.

After everyone left, the family gathered for a dinner of meat and rice. “You don’t have to wait on us tonight, Nisha. I will serve,” Parvati said.

“I will eat later, Aama. I am not hungry,” Diwakar said.

Nisha sat down next to Ria and had dinner. The three of them ate silently and Ria and Nisha left the room. Shevak lit a bidi and Parvati arranged two plates for herself and her son.

She looked at Diwakar. She remembered his childhood days and smiled. Her son was grown up now and would soon enter the man’s world. She was thankful he respected family values. She prayed to God in her mind to bless the couple and to ensure peace and happiness.

In the other room, Ria packed her things and placed them in one corner. She folded her jeans with special care and placed them in her bag. She looked at Nisha standing at the window.

“I am leaving this room for both of you. It’s a big sacrifice,” she said.

“If you want to, you can stay,” Nisha said without turning from the window.

“I knew you wouldn’t mind, but my brother would beat me up,” she said and left the room.

Nisha sat on the bed and tried her best to comprehend the uncertainty ahead. At one point she felt confident she would be able to handle being with Diwakar. She was already familiar with his dreams. But again she felt scared that her mind would take over her body and he would realize she was pretending. She felt uneasy and drank a full glass of water.

Diwakar came in, looked at Nisha, and smiled. He closed the door and placed a few logs in the bukhari. He switched off the light and sat next to the fire on a sheepskin and placed another next to him. After a while, Nisha came and joined him. Both sat silently next to the fire.

Diwakar had been watching her for the last few days. He had a feeling something was wrong and she was disturbed. Maybe it was the marriage or maybe it was something else. Maybe she needed time. He was not sure. He decided to wait, as there was no rush. He had all the time in the world.

Nisha was confused. This was not what she expected. He was young and aggressive, and that was what she knew. She had failed to notice he was sensitive also. Maybe she had never understood him properly except for his infatuation. Or maybe the infatuation was too young to mature into love and desire. Or maybe he was sad for some reason or preoccupied. She never expected him to understand her state of mind. She assumed he was too young. But she was wrong.

Diwakar looked at the beautiful woman seated next to him. Her face glowed from the fire and the green and gold beads glistened in the dark, adding a touch of mystery. In his mind, he knew he desired her, he desired her intensely, but it wasn’t physical, it wasn’t her body, it was her company he desired. It was desire in an innocent state, untouched and pure, and he revered every moment of her presence in his consciousness. He just wanted to sit there, be at her side, and watch her sitting next to the fire in total silence. To him, life and love was made up of such simple things. And somehow he knew if he made any impulsive move everything would be lost. It was best not to rush things, not to say anything. The inevitable would happen with time.

Moments passed and after a while they looked at each other. While Diwakar saw a trace of a pain in her eyes, Nisha for the first time noticed compassion. There were no words exchanged yet much was spoken between them. Nisha moved close to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Diwakar put an arm around her and both sat silently gazing at the fire.

Chapter 19

Nisha woke to the sound of music. But the music was not in the room. It came from outside. She noticed she had two blankets on her instead of one. She assumed he must have awakened much earlier and left silently without disturbing her. And then she remembered last night. They had both slept after he pushed the last log in the fire. He didn’t touch her once. He simply smiled and was soon asleep.

She still felt disturbed but the uncertainty and aversion had lessened. She remembered his eyes and the softness they reflected. Was her mind betraying her? Was he the predator watching his prey now that he knew there was no escape for her? She was confused. But somehow she felt thankful. His warmth was overpowering and even though he barely touched her, it seemed as if he was holding her in an intense embrace. But there was no sense of violation. She remembered that for a moment she floated away from the pain, the distress, and the reality into a different world never visited before. This was strange and new to her and somehow that world, a forbidden territory, haunted her.

She remembered Pravin and the first night after marriage. She remembered the intense lovemaking and the flames that had danced around them. She remembered the sweat, the animal passion, and her total surrender that night. And night after night after that. She thought that was love, desire in its wildest form, free of any pretense and inhibition. But then what was it she had experienced last night? What about the warmth, affection, and compassion that touched her to the very core? What was this other world that managed to erase her pain if only for a fleeting moment? Was it this she had been searching for all along? Or was it the sense of belonging she missed with Pravin? She didn’t know.

Nisha thought she could never be as free with Diwakar as she was with his brother. But then she realized it was up to her to keep both of them happy and satisfied. It was up to her to earn their respect, love, and gratefulness. It did not matter if she was happy, sad, or uncomfortable. The only thing that mattered was that both of them should know how loyal she was to them and to the family. Men did not want to see how happy their women were; they want to see how devoted they were. Maybe she would have to pretend. She didn’t know and once again felt confused and unsettled.

For the rest of the day she tried to stay away from her thoughts and concentrate on housework.
After all
, she thought,
there is more to life than analyzing the wisdom of love, and comprehending what the future has in store for me
. She would attend to ploughing the fields, planting the seeds, waiting for the monsoon, harvesting the buckwheat, grinding it, and making pancakes.

Parvati watched Nisha while she helped her but could not make out anything. Sometimes she seemed a bit lost, sometimes sad, while sometimes her usual jovial self. They fed the cows, made oil from apricots, spun wool, and cooked. Diwakar was out clearing snow at the other house and spent time with his friends. Ria spent the day with Lila, who came to their house to see her photos and share her plans for the future.

It was evening and the setting sun painted the silvery puffs of clouds with bright orange from behind the western peaks. The mountains had regained their texture as the snow skidded off the granite surfaces in the sun. Nisha stood on the balcony and glanced around. She looked at the pines that stood dark, silhouetted against the red sky, which slowly turned pink, then violet, and finally gray before surrendering to the deep blue of the night. She watched the valley, which still remained a white canvas. She knew the white cover also held the promise of a colorful landscape with blossoms, harvests, and wildflowers. She knew that the river would soon wake up from its slumber, turn into a blue-green torrent, and roar down the gorges. The finches, wagtails, and bulbuls would return and fill the valley with their chatter. The peaks would turn green and brown. The wild roses would bloom with pride. The poplars would swing with the wind, showing their silvery undersides. The village folk would sing happy songs. And, suddenly, she longed for the fire, to sit next to Diwakar again and just cherish the moment.

Nisha had dinner with Parvati and, after cleaning the plates, went to her room. She saw him seated next to the fire, his face glowing in the light of the burning embers. A song played on his mobile at a low volume but she could make out the words.

Below the clear blue sky,

with the sun shining bright,

let’s ride away, my love,

let me be your knight...

Let’s ride across the hills,

and the plains and the meadows;

let’s ride through the forest,

between the light and shadows...

He looked at her and smiled. It was the same innocent and simple smile; the only baggage he had carried all along. From the day he first met her, from the fields, the meadows, the river, to this room with the fire. He gestured to her and she sat down. She listened to the music and her mind floated away. She could visualize the trees, the flowers, the green grass, birds, and the distant valley. She didn’t know how long she floated in the trance but keeping track of time was not important. She looked at him. He sat quietly gazing at the fire. Once again she couldn’t read anything except for the silent warmth he radiated. She looked around and saw the shadows dancing at a distance as if the predator was encircling the prey and could pounce at any moment. Then she realized it was just an illusion. She felt a strong urge to speak to him, to say anything to break the spell that threatened to overtake her. He looked at her, and as if he read her mind, he smiled and gestured for her to remain silent.

Once again she was taken aback. How could he understand her so well? She wondered what was going on in his mind. Here she was sitting next to him, a girl in her youth, attractive if not stunning, but definitely desirable, a girl with whom he had shared his dreams. But he remained calm like the mountains lost behind a wall of solitude, which she could not penetrate. Or was it that he said yes to the arrangement out of compulsion. And maybe she was just a placeholder in his dreams as she thought she was. She got worked up with her thoughts and finally concluded it was all her imagination and maybe there was no wall to penetrate. The only truth that engulfed her was his tenderness. And for the first time she realized that sex was not all that was important in love. They barely touched each other but it was as if they had made love. Once again she listened to the music and floated away.

Riding along the shoreline,

next to the sea deep blue—

with waves greeting us,

and spraying mist on you…

I shall take the reins

while you hold on to me,

we shall not slow down—

to the unknown—we would flee...

A mild wind blew into the room, the flames leaped a little and the shadows danced, kissed, and made love. She took his hand and covered it with her palms. She did it on impulse. She didn’t know if she did it to express affection or love or gratitude or simply to complement his warmth. Both sat until the last log burned, both sat in the inflammable ambience, in a world they themselves created, a world free of words, a world where silence painted love in vivid colors.

That night she saw a dream. In the dream, she rode a horse next to a sea with Pravin on the reins. They crossed the sea and entered a forest. After a while, she listened to the sound of a flute that came floating from the deep. They went closer and she saw Diwakar sitting below a tree smiling at them with a flute in his hand. He waved at them as they passed him.

In the days that followed, this became a standard ritual. At night, they both entered their small world, isolated and secluded, and both got intoxicated in each other’s company. They barely spoke or touched each other. Nisha left all her thoughts and worries behind and simply reveled in the time she spent with him next to the fire.

Sometimes they sat near the fire, sometimes near the window, and sometimes she simply watched him from the bed.

The mountains watched the spring that came dancing down to meet the river. It was close but took a parallel path and both ran down the slopes in unison complementing each other in their pace, swiftness and roll.

The snow melted, the sun remained longer, a few grasses peeked out of the soil with their young green blades, warm air blew across the peaks, a few birds returned. Parvati looked outside and a thin smile crossed her lips. Summer was near. She called Diwa and Nisha and asked them to check out the fields.

Diwa went to the village house first and checked everything. He came back and it was afternoon when they both left. On the way to the farm, they met village folk. Everyone knew about the marriage and blessed them. Both smiled and walked side by side across the river. The river was still narrow and the white sand on the exposed banks sparkled with the sun. The fields on both sides were still dark and wet with hints of green scattered here and there. The mountains stood tall as if waking up from a long slumber. The distant peaks faded away into a mysterious blue. They went around the field from one corner to the other.

Then Diwakar said, “Let’s go to the stream.”

Nisha nodded and both went to the stream and sat on a boulder. Diwakar took out his mobile and clicked on his favorite song. The stream ran below and the far side that did not receive the sunlight was still frozen. The glaciers were melting and the stream ran full-bodied, creating music and splashing on the rocks that came its way. The water was clear and they could see the round pebbles lying on its bed. A bulbul called out for his partner. In a flash, Nisha remembered the last time they had been there together. She remembered his dream, the snowfall, the swift kiss on her cheek, and how they held hands like children. And now, even as they sat next to the stream, she felt like she had every night as she sat next to the fire with him.

The rocks guarded the sun but a shaft of light escaped through a crack and fell on Nisha’s face. Both got lost in a different world of trees, flowers, birds, and bees. Only the song floated around them.

And when the sun comes down,

we will need some rest

sit below an age-old tree,

birds chirping in their nest...

The cool evening wind,

the last sunrays on your face—

your timeless innocent smile,

and your heavenly grace…

Nisha moved closer to him. Diwakar looked at her for a while and then brought his mouth close to her ear.

“May I kiss you?” he whispered.

“Why do you ask? You never asked me before.” She smiled and looked at him.

Diwakar moved back and looked down at the stream.
True
, he thought,
I did not ask her last time. But that was different.

Nisha nudged him, as if waiting for an answer.

“Your happiness is important to me,” he said without looking at her.

Nisha listened and thought for a while. Nobody ever bothered about a woman’s happiness; it was the other way around. She looked at him and knew he was sincere. She thought for a while and said, “I am always happy with you. But I don’t know if you are happy. I just want to see you happy too. Tell me what you want from me that will make you happy.” She did not know what else to say and thought maybe now he would speak his mind.

“Just give me your pains. You can keep the pleasures.”

Nisha looked at him. His words touched the very core of her heart, her being. “Why do you say that?”

“Because that’s what will make me happy. I want to share your pains, your sorrows. I want to see you happy always.”

“If you want to see me happy, never ask again.”

“What?”

“What you asked in the beginning.”

Diwakar moved closer and kissed her cheek; he moved the few strands of hair and then kissed her ears, her earlobes. She felt goosebumps all over. He took her in his arms and kissed her forehead, her eyes, and then her lips, gently tasting her. She held on to him tightly and kept her eyes closed. She felt aroused and desired him intensely. They sat like that for a while and then he released her from his embrace.

“Now, I am happy,” she said and smiled at him. She was not sure if it was the truth or if he believed her, but that did not matter. For a moment, she really felt happy and blissful in his arms.

It was evening and both sat in the twilight. Nisha sat with her eyes closed, savoring the moment. She kept her mind closed and her thoughts away. She rested her head on his shoulder and held his hand while playing with his fingers. The song continued playing on the mobile.

When darkness spreads all over,

stars appear on the sky

You move closer to me,

shivering and yet so shy…

I shall get some woods,

while you start humming a tune,

and light up a fire small

watching the rising moon…

“Let’s go and sit next to the fire.” She rose up and pulled him. “Then I want to listen to your dream.”

“Which one?”

“The one you never completed. The one where I dance around the fire and you play the flute. I want to know what happens after the fire dies out.”

“Nothing, we both sleep,” Diwakar said with a smile.

“Now you are lying. I have also seen the dream.”

“Really? Then tell me what happens next.”

“I will tell you tonight,” she said and smiled mysteriously as if she had the key to some secret book.

It was getting dark and both stepped quickly on the way back. The wind was cold.

Far above, the mountains watched the river bend toward the spring and the streams surging closer to each other.

At home, Parvati noticed a change in Nisha. She had been watching her all along. She saw a hint of the lost glitter in her eyes. She smiled to herself and prayed to Devta for his blessings.