My Boyfriend is a Monster (20 page)

     He could already feel his nerves starting once again as he was getting closer. To distract himself he started to snap his fingers. Letting them snap at different heights he decided to do it quicker. Without realizing it, it had become a game that went nowhere, but one he was getting quite serious about. Suddenly he had the vague distinction that he looked ridiculous and forced his arms to his side. “Stop that!” He stood quite wondering if he yelled it or whispered it. Noticing the amount of people walking by him, he hoped for the latter. Then watching a man in a green suite cross the street without the aid of a crosswalk, an elderly gentlemen’s face displaying fear and two old ladies stopping abruptly, Nathan was leaning towards a yell. Turning to continue he came face to face with two familiar old ladies who had been walking together.

     “It’s not a lunatic, it’s that nice young man from the coffee shop,” the chatty one said. Her friend just shrugged so she elaborated, “You know, the one who bought our coffee and Danish’s?”

     “Oh
yes the psychopath with the van,” she said remembering. “So why is he yelling at us?”

     “Hmm, I don’t know.”

Standing in front of them he offered to reveal himself. “Ladies.”

“Looks like you almost got into an accident back there,” the one in blue said.

“I was just thinking out loud and didn’t see where I was going.”

“Humph, thinking out loud or hardly thinking?”

Going to answer her he paused for a moment. “I don’t know what that means.”

“Oh hush now Pearl,” the chatty one said then turned to Nathan. “But you did nearly give us a heart attack.”

Thinking heart attack was a little profuse since they were nowhere near the incident he continued to apologize anyways. “I am so sorry ladies,” he said with his hands clasped together. “Pearl and . . .”

“Seriously, what is wrong with you?” Pearl asked ignoring him altogether.

“Maybe he’s just on meds,” she answered for him. Turning to Nathan she spoke louder so he could hear her in case he was off his meds. “Did you forget your meds honey?”

Lowering his head he already began to regret bumping into them. “I’m not on any meds.”

“Maybe you should be,” Pearl diagnosed.

Smiling at Pearl in agreement he decided he would have an insider laugh. “There would be some that agree with that diagnosis.”

“You having a bad day honey?” the chatty one asked determined to find him an excuse.

“Just a lot on my mind, you know?” He was now trying to plant his way out by making the whole misunderstanding short and sweet.

“Drugs,” Pearl decided.

Lowering his head again he knew it wasn’t going to be short and sweet at all. “I just said I wasn’t on drugs, medicinal or recreational.”

“Brought up a whole lot of wrong then, no discipline,” she said determined while the chatty one just shook her head.

Thinking that statement had some warrant considering his mother and father were both soft in that area he nodded in agreement. Now his sister on the other hand, he would like to see them out run an angry snarling maniac
who didn’t have to be fast since she just pushed trees out of her way. His other sister was so calmingly unstable that she could instill terror just by looking at you a certain way. Deciding he was disciplined plenty he retracted his nod and shook his head in disagreement.

The two ladies continued their debate and ignored his head movement. His chatty defender seemed to be leaning away from his innocence and more toward motive. “Or too much discipline.”

“Could be,” Pearl said looking him over like a specimen in a cage.

Then a voice called out. “Nathan? I thought that was you.”

Except Nathan wasn’t paying attention on the account he was still apologizing, for nearly giving two old ladies a heart attack, convincing them he wasn’t a maniac, not on drugs and that his parents were soft on the discipline but his Sisters were far from it. Balancing it all out and making his upbringing pretty normal, well as normal as his kind could be.

Pearl caught the voice calling Nathan out of the corner of her eye. “Florida Johnson, you know this lunatic?”

Stepping back a little surprised she asked, “Now why you calling him a lunatic?”

“Out here waving his hands every which way,” Pearl responded mimicking the crime by flailing her arms wildly.

Trying to interject a bit of truth while dodging the reenactment he defended himself. “Actually I was snapping my fingers.”

“Like a lunatic,” she reminded him. “Phyllis and I were just walking on the sidewalk when we saw him waving and swatting his hands in every direction.” She paused for a moment and turned to her friend for conformation. “I said Phyllis, that boy ain’t right.”

“She did say that,” Phyllis confirmed.

“Again ladies, I was actually just snapping my fingers - maybe, a little sporadic.”

“Like a, lun-atic,” Pearl said putting with emphasis. Turning back to Florida she continued her death defying encounter. “So I say, just keep your eyes to the ground.” Cutting to Phyllis she explained her matter of fact. “Crazies are likely to attack if you make eye contact with them.”

“Now I did see that on the discovery channel,” Phyllis remembered.

“Then all of a sudden he starts yelling at us,” Pearl said in horror. “Can you believe that, yelling, at us?”

“Actually I was yelling at myself,” he said. Seeing no one was paying attention he realized
that they had created a bubble of conversation and he no longer was in it.

“I know this man quite well, he is no lunatic,” Florida said vouching for him. Getting a smile of agreement from Phyllis but a debatable scowl from Pearl she decided to lay it all out. “You know men,” she declared while turning her head away from Nathan and giving the two girls a quick wink. This hinted at gossip to follow as soon as certain parties were no longer present.

Astounded at how quickly the conversation went from him being a possible lunatic to the center stage of tabloid here say, Nathan felt confused. Even Pearl went from unwavering jury member twelve to having a, “Do Tell” attitude.

“He’s no lunatic . . . what makes all men act weird?” Florida asked.

“Drugs,” Pearl blurted.

Waving her answer off Florida turned to Phyllis for a more typical response.

Feeling like she was on a game show Phyllis thought about it for a moment then smiled and answered confidently. “A woman.”

“Hey, I thought all’s you knew was I wasn’t a lunatic?” he inquired thinking it was getting way to personal. Then wondered
again, what power did this woman possess? Everyone says she’s just a nice old lady who rents out apartments but he was seriously beginning to see it as a cover to something more diabolical.

“That’s right, a woman,” Florida boasted while ignoring him, since he was still on the outside of the bubble.

“Smitten?” Phyllis asked.

Florida nodded. “
Mm-hmm, in a big way.”

Pearl crossed her arms and looked at Nathan. “Mm-hmm,” she concurred. “Written all over his face,” she said looking back at them.

“Like one of those neon signs,” Phyllis laughed.

“Really,
” Nathan pouted. “A minute ago I was a drug addled lunatic. But now it’s written all over my face like a neon sign,” he said a little insulted.

Looking at him then at each other they began to laugh. Their laughing and nodding and little touches of the arms made Nathan feel as if he was not privy
to some secret society. He did not like being outside the bubble. It made him feel like he was just set out for display and amusement, then wondered if the zoo animals ever felt this self-conscious. 

“Anyone we know?” Phyllis snuck in through the laughter.

Pausing for a moment while Nathan stood assured she wouldn’t, but began to get nervous as Florida waved them in. Watching them huddle he could sense the hunger for any tidbit about to befall them. Acting like he didn’t care was easy since he could hear them a block away if wanted to.

“Lily,” she blurted loudly, totally negating the need for a huddle.

The older women were alive with giddiness. “Lily,” Phyllis said. “From the coffee shop,” she said explaining it to Pearl.

“Really, I thought she meant Lily from the pig farm,” Pearl returned sarcastically.

“What the hell?” he asked looking at Florida.

“Just helping you out sweetie,” she said pinching his cheek.

Waiting for Ms. Johnson to explain he stood there dumb founded.

“You know you’ve been attempting to ask that girl out for weeks, well now you have to,” she said then pointed at her two friends. “I’d say you have until this afternoon till everyone from here to there knows,” she laughed cheerfully pleased with herself.

Nathan could already see the fire of disclosure burning in their eyes as they smiled at him.

“She’s right honey, we’ll sing like a couple of canaries,” Phyllis assured him.

“Guess I don’t have much of a choice then.”

“
You’ll be thanking me once she says yes,” Florida said and gave him a wink.

“Or cursing you if she says no,” Phyllis said offering the alternative.

“How can she say no to this boy, look how handsome he is,” Florida said presenting him as if he was on sale.

“Give us a twirl,” Pearl said joining the auction and making him feel like a slab of meat.

Feeling a little creeped out, Nathan slowly moved away from Pearl not liking the look in her eyes.

“And a gentlemen,” Phyllis said giving him a once over and a wink.

And the creepiness keeps on coming
, he thought.

“Hope he has a job,” Pearl said.

“Oh yes, Nathan is a store owner,” Florida said proudly.

“Likes tea?” Phyllis asked.

“Most pretty boys do,” Pearl added with a snicker.

Nathan thought it was a little malicious, he was really starting to dislike Pearl.

“He’s kind hearted,” Florida kept piling on.

“How long have you known him Florida?” Pearl asked.

Thinking herself a pretty good judge of character Florida just
smiled and answered confidently. “Long enough.”

Phyllis turned to Nathan. “That Lily is a catch, pretty, smart - and lord is she a sweetheart.”

He just smiled awkwardly.

“He’s not one of these pretty boys who think their all that and a bag of potato chips?” Pearl paused long enough for Florida to deny the charge then turned back to examining Nathan and continued. “Thinks he’s God’s gift or something,” she said and gave him the stink eye.

He wasn’t sure what man scorned this woman in the past but he wished he was here right now so he could punch him right in his face. Thinking if he wanted to be judged this harsh he would have just invited his sisters to come for a visit.

Pearl continued. “So don’t go thinking she’s the lucky one. That girl is special and deserves the best.”

Deciding that Lily must have put a lot of time into these ladies to form these kinds of friendships he started to recant his earlier observations.

“Lily is a fine catch, she’s everything you want in a woman . . . trust me,” Phyllis said.

Having the same notion he agreed but Nathan wasn’t sure how this old lady who he just met recently knew what he wanted in a woman.

“He seems like a fine enough young man to call on our Lily,” Phyllis said deciding to champion.

“Nathan here is a gentleman, a kind spirit,” she explained looking at him. “He’s a throwback that’s for sure.”

They all sighed seemingly falling into a day dream in which whatever a throwback was, seemed to be waiting for them.

“He has a pretty good caboose too,” Phyllis said bringing on a roar of old lady laughter.

Nathan
, however honored by the words was turning red.

Luckily for him Pearl noticed. “Look what you did Phyllis, you turned him into a tomato.”

All at once they began the boisterous laughter again. Not only was he embarrassed but a type of awkwardness was distorting his face and projecting a goofy expression. It implied he knew the joke was on him but he was too dopey to not laugh and too stupid to come back with anything with a hint of wit. God he was really starting to hate this lady.

Recognizing that look Florida started to feel bad and handed him some merciful advice. “Oh honey, just go already, you stay any longer and you’re likely to have a brain aneurism.”

“Go ask her out and give us a look see,” Phyllis suggested with a couple of clicks of her tongue like one would spur a horse to get moving.

Slowly turning away from them while trying not to give them a look at his caboose and make it look natural was quite difficult. Assuming he was not being successful and feeling the embarrassment glowing he heard Pearl clear her throat in a bid to get his attention. Stopping he looked on waiting for whatever bit of wisdom or meanness she wanted to give him.

“Now don’t go asking her out for coffee.”