My Dating Disasters Diary (27 page)

Wished I could talk to her again and ask her why that
bit of her prediction hadn't come true. Just the bad stuff.

Mum went into La Senza and told me to stay outside
so I guessed she was buying me some underwear for
Christmas. Spotted a store security person and decided to
ask if he knew where the fortune-teller was now.

'Most likely prison, love. She got done for benefit
fraud. Been claiming unemployment for years while she's
been raking it in as a clairvoyant. Didn't foresee the Fraud
Squad coming though, eh? Some fortune-teller. Bloody
con artist.'

He was probably right. I'd been stupid to believe her.

That's it. Mum's been right about me all along. I'm
going to stop being stupid and start growing up. From
now on I'll be mature and sensible at all times.

Put itching powder in Shelly's orange tights at dress
rehearsal today. Had a great time watching her desperately
trying to scratch her legs while wearing a huge
pumpkin costume. He he.

It was the only fun thing to happen in this play
though. Mrs Conner has 'modernized' the script so that
Cinderella's stepmother employs a therapist to resolve
conflicts arising from extended family issues. Cinderella
attends assertiveness training, which helps her refuse to
do more than her fair share of the housework and insist
on an invitation to the ball and decent clothing without
the aid of any fairy godmother.

At the end of the story she refuses the Prince's offer of
marriage because she wants to pursue her career and anyway
disapproves of monarchy.

Totally boring, but no one argued with Mrs Conner
except Shelly.

'If there's no fairy godmother, how come we need a
pumpkin then?'

'Iconic symbolism,' Mrs Conner said smoothly.

This shut Shelly up as she didn't know what it meant. Me neither.
But I do know not to argue with Conner.

Was talking to Chris about the holidays today. He told me
they were going to an aunt's in Manchester over
Christmas but would be home for the New Year. He also
said that both his mum and dad were working night
shifts on New Year's Eve, so there wouldn't be a party at
his house and he wasn't sure what he was doing then. I
said he could come to our house – I was sure it would be
OK with my parents – so he said, yeah, he'd like that.

Am really pleased about this as usually it's just family
and nobody my age comes. Don't adults know how
totally boring and stupid they are when they get drunk?
If they're not dancing around like chimps on ecstasy
they're repeating the same awful joke and laughing themselves
sick. Thank God for Chris.

Called Bernadette and asked if she'd like to meet up on
Sunday. Didn't really want to as she's incredibly boring
company, but she'd been so nice to me I felt I had to. Also
felt sorry for her having no friends and an embarrassing
mum. I now know what both those things feel like.

Was gobsmacked but really pleased when she told me
she was too busy because, guess what, she'd got a
boyfriend.

She prattled on for ages about him. He sounds just as
boring as she is. Bernadette says his parents are nudists
who walk around the house all day totally starkers. She
and Thomas have bonded over having embarrassing
parents.

'But I think Thomas's parents are worse, don't you?'
Bernadette said happily.

Oh God, yes. Much, much worse.

Bernadette dating and all loved up. It's hard to believe.
Maybe it's true what Mum says: 'There's someone for
everyone.'

Not for me though.

Went to watch our school in a friendly match against St
Ann's. Hardly anyone turned up to watch as it was so
cold – even players' girlfriends and parents mostly stayed
away.

We didn't play very well, and lost again, but by the
end of the match I wasn't really caring as I'd practically
stopped paying any attention to the game at all. Instead,
all I could think about was how good
he
looked in his
football strip; so much fitter and more confident than any
other player. Why had I never noticed this before?

Of course, I knew he was a good-looking guy – lots of
girls fancied him, but not
me
. I wasn't starting to fancy
him, was I?

Oh God, I hoped not. It would just lead to trouble and
me making a total idiot of myself again. I was
not
going
to let that happen.

He turned round to me and asked to borrow my rubber. I
fumbled in my pencil case and found it. Kind of wished it
wasn't in the shape of frog – I haven't replaced all my
stupid kid's stuff yet – but handed it to him anyway. Our
fingertips brushed together and he smiled and said,
'Thanks.'

I looked at his familiar but gorgeous face and felt
blood rush to my cheeks and my tummy tighten. Oh God,
there was no denying it. I definitely, totally fancied
him.

Turned my face – which was now all blotchy, red and
sweaty – away from him. It was hopeless. Like most boys,
he'll probably only want to date blondes, so I've no
chance. Why, oh why did this have to happen?

But it has. I can't fight it any more. Don't want to. I could
spend all day just looking at him and thinking about him.
But should I tell him? Just march up and say, 'Hey, I know
I've never said anything about this before but actually I
really fancy you. Maybe more than fancy you'?

No, the old stupid Kelly Ann would have done that.
The new mature, grown-up version is going to be
sophisticated. Subtle. Yeah, this time I was determined to
get it right. I would wait for the right time and place. Be
patient.

Anyway, unlike Jason he wasn't an unobtainable celebrity living
in London. I could see him almost every day. He was in the same classes as
me for maths and English after all, and, thank God, we get five periods of
each a week. Who'd have thought I'd ever look forward to maths? Or imagined
in my wildest dreams I'd be sorry we had holidays coming up.

Thought about asking Liz and Stephanie for advice but
decided against it. It was time to really grow up and make
my own decisions. Wondered what they'd say if they
knew who my secret love is.

The pantomime was awful at first. Even though people
were allowed out of classes in the afternoon to see us
perform, it was mostly only first years who decided to
come. Ten minutes in, when Mrs Conner told them that
they couldn't chat or mess around while it was going on,
they all begged to be allowed to go back to their classes
but she wouldn't let them.

However, everyone cheered up when Terry Docherty
(dressed in a large mouse costume) 'accidentally' barged
into Shelly, who fell over but couldn't get up again.
Nearly wet myself watching her rolling over and over in
her huge pumpkin costume with her orange legs sticking
up in the air. Hilarious.

Yeah, turned out to be fun pantomime after all.

Mum got me trainers, three new PlayStation games and a
bicycle pump instead of the suede high heels and makeup
I'd asked for. Wish she'd listen. I mean, does she want
me to grow up or not? She did put a Wonderbra, some
Clearasil and a Creme Egg in my stocking though, so at
least she got that right.

Angela got her usual sad stuff – bath foam, pleated
wool skirts and white cotton blouses plus a new clothes
brush and her very own iron and ironing board. This last
was a surprise present and she threw her arms round
Mum and Dad to thank them. No, honestly, one of us
must
be adopted. I just can
not
be genetically related to my
sister.

Angela's boyfriend got her a pale blue angora scarf.
Imagination and originality are not his strong points.

Christmas dinner was fantastic and I stuffed myself as
usual. Angela is allowed to have wine at the meal now.
Mum and Dad said I could have a glass too but I wasn't
sure I'd like it. I asked if I could try a sip of Angela's and,
thinking she wouldn't mind, picked up her glass.

Before I could take even one mouthful she'd grabbed it
back from me, saying she wasn't going to drink from anything
I'd dribbled saliva on. Then she complained about
me smearing her glass with my greasy fingers. If I had to
touch someone else's glass I should hold it by the stem.

Bloody hell, felt like a leper. And all this from a person
who does it with her boyfriend. Wonder if she makes him
have a bath in Dettol first.

Caught Angela rummaging through my room today.
Bloody nerve. Said she was looking for her silver heartshaped
locket with the picture of Graham and her on the
inside and suggested that I'd 'stolen' it.

Yeah, like I'd really want to hang a picture of my sister
and her sad boyfriend round my neck. It's true I
had
borrowed the chain part for one day – however, I'd
definitely intended to give it and the locket back right
after, but just forgot. However, now that she'd practically
ransacked my room and accused me of being a thief she'd
have to wait much, much longer before they were
returned.

Then I saw she had my diary in her hand. When I confronted
her with this she just said, 'Huh, like I'm really
interested in your silly life. As if. You didn't really expect
to be Jason's girlfriend, did you? I mean, you're just a
schoolgirl and he's a famous—' She stopped and blushed.
'I wasn't snooping. It just kind of fell open at that page
and I sort of glanced at it . . . just for a second. Honestly.'

She put the diary down and scuttled out. Yeah, could
be a very long time before she gets her naff locket back.
Meanwhile I have decided to write the rest of this diary in
code.

Mlkdjsfhafjfind dodfodop=mdskajd idds djdkosagkejjoia
fjmfwipmfdoodd, p**1 ajdfafeoeo fapekfd. Amda
djadoejf, aj eodo. Asddere ereel e[=e.

Think I must have chosen a code that's a bit too complicated
as I've no idea what I wrote yesterday. Have
decided instead to store this journal in a new safe place
where no one would ever possibly find it. But just to make
sure it will never reveal the identity of my secret love if they
do, I will call him 'G' – which isn't even his real initial, so no
one will ever guess. Unless of course I choose to reveal it,
and I don't intend to do that anytime soon.

Liz and Stephanie came over. Decided to tell them about
my secret love, especially as I wanted to use the holidays
to look perfect for G and would need Stephanie's help.

Liz said, 'Don't believe it. Why him, for God's sake? Of
all the boys to pick!'

Stephanie shrugged. 'He's not bad looking, but Liz is
right, Kelly Ann. There are plenty of other boys.'

'There may be plenty of other boys,' I said, 'but no one
compares to G. I think he's The One.'

'You mean the one you're going to shag? God, you do
move fast once you get going,' Stephanie said in an
admiring tone.

'Of course not,' I said, shocked. 'But if I
did
do it with
him, it wouldn't be shagging. It would be the physical
expression of our deepest feelings.'

Stephanie yawned.

Liz said, 'So, has he asked you for a date?'

'No,' I said. 'He doesn't even know I'm interested yet.

Do you think I should tell him?'

'No, I think you should forget the whole thing. It will
only end in disaster.'

'I can't, Liz. He's the only one I want. The only boy I'll
ever want.'

'The only one!' Stephanie said, horrified. 'Don't be
stupid. That's like, well, like going into Blockbuster every
week and only ever taking out the same DVD.
Boring.'

'Yeah,' Liz agreed. 'Like being offered a box of Roses
chocolates and saying "I'll just have the orange cream,
thanks. Don't care for any of the others."'

'But G isn't a DVD or a chocolate,' I protested. 'I've got
real feelings for him.'

Liz wasn't impressed. 'I've got real feelings for orange
creams but it doesn't stop me—'

'I'd do anything to get G to be my boyfriend,' I
interrupted. 'I don't want anyone else.'

'Anything?' Stephanie asked.

'Yeah.'

'Including a leg wax?'

'Um, well, yeah. If you think—'

'Bikini wax?' Stephanie said.

'Maybe. But I don't think he'd really want me to—'

'Using hot wax strips?' Stephanie persisted, staring at
me for any sign of weakness.

I hesitated. For a long time. Then, 'OK.'

'She's serious,' Stephanie pronounced.

Stephanie has gone to Austria on a skiing trip with her
mum so I won't have to prove my total commitment just
yet, thank God. However, she's left instructions for a
special beauty routine to be followed every single day
without fail.

Every morning I've to exfoliate my entire body
thoroughly, then cleanse, tone and moisturize my face,
neck and décolletage area (though I'm not exactly sure
what that is). After this, I've got to apply an intensive
hydrating masque to my hair, wrap my whole head in
cellophane (though not my nose and mouth of course)
and leave it on for a minimum of two hours, before
rinsing the lot off with clarifying volcanic spa water and
adding a touch of pure shine restructuring serum to the
ends. All I have to do next is a quick French manicure and
pedicure, then I'm ready to do my make-up.

Once I'd mastered my morning beauty routine
Stephanie would give me a night-time regimen.

Unfortunately I slept in until twelve thirty today so
was too late for my morning beauty routine. Will have to
start tomorrow.