My Dear Sophy (21 page)

Oh, she knew her life was a good one in all ways. But this moment, this scene brought something to her soul. For a moment she would imagine as many fanciful things as she wanted. The sea in front of her and the moving ship beneath her feet made her feel a longing for a life wider than her own, a life she would never have. And a life she had never truly thought before this moment she might ever have.

And so Sophy saved it all in her memory, as one of those special moments when life's possibilities stretched out before her for her choosing.

“
Is everything all right, Miss Wentworth?” The question came quietly from a voice beside her. She knew the voice even before she opened her eyes. When she did, slowly and deliberately forcing her eyelids open, there he was. The picture she had imprinted forever on her memory was now populated with the form of a man she had in the past week come to admire, with his ready laugh, easy conversation, and enthralling smile.

And now here he was again. Captain Croft had noticed her and come to make sure she was all right.

“
Thank you, I am well.”

The captain smiled back at her. She had been powerless in front of that smile for a full week. When she had first seen him, he had smiled. And now her heart stopped under the full force of his attention. It made her feel vulnerable and loved at the same time. It made her feel sympathy with this man and believe that he felt some sympathy with her. She remembered that touch in the carriage.

“
I am well,” Sophy repeated. “I am imprinting this moment on my mind so I might keep it forever.” The idea seemed silly and too personal once she had spoken it aloud.

“
I do that, too. Saving a moment in my memory so I can return to it whenever I desire.” He stepped forward and ran his hand over the wheel. “That spot where you are, here at the wheel, has been the sight of many such memories. Looking out over the ship, with practically the whole world in front of me. It can be quite amazing.”

“
Yes, I was only now imagining that very thing. And thinking how many adventures the
Pleasant
has seen. You know, I have begun to think of her almost as a person, with a whole life she could tell us about. I would ask her so many questions.”

“
She can be a temperamental mistress, but she has been very good to me. To all of us.” The captain looked fondly over the deck. “I am only one captain in her story. She has seen many before me and, perhaps, she will see many after me. I cannot be too sure when she will tire of me.” He smiled wistfully and patted the wheel, as if comforting an old friend. “Still, we try to keep each other happy. I cannot ask for much more than that.” He looked so fondly at this stationary piece of the ship.

Captain Croft did not stay in his wistful mood for longer than a moment. He soon turned his eyes back to Sophy and pronounced, “Would you care to have a turn at the wheel, madam?”

“
But would the captain allow such behavior?” Her own shadow of melancholy disappeared in the sunshine of his smile and teasing humor.

“
I know the old goat personally and believe he might be persuaded.”

“
Well, then, by all means!” Sophy stepped away from the wheel as the captain leaned down to remove the rope that had been holding the wheel in place. He motioned for her to step forward.

“
Stand here between the wheels and put one hand on each of them in about the same place.” Sophy did as she was bid, her hands sliding easily over the sun-warmed wood. Captain Croft was on her left, smiling at her.

“
Good. Now try to push the wheel down toward the deck.”

Sophy again did as she was bid. When the wheel moved only a few inches, she laughed and said, “I cannot move it any further! I am weaker than I thought. All the sailors in books handle it so easily and freely!”

“
I am afraid that most of your novelists have never been on an actual ship. They are sadly ignorant of the fact that the wheel is attached to large, unseen machinery belowdecks. You are pulling a massive piece of wood back and forth through the water.”

Sophy found this information fascinating. She had imagined ships before, but the reality was turning out to be so much different. “I had never thought of everything that was hidden from view. But, of course, it must be there.”

“
Only not quite as romantic as spinning a wheel without any sweat at all.” The captain grinned and continued his animated description of how the wheel worked. He seemed so excited to explain. “Actually, the wheel pulls a series of ropes back and forth that then pull the rudder one way or the other. There is quite a large pulley system directly under us with a big arm that holds the ropes.” Sophy entered fully into his enthusiasm. It was not hard to do when he had such an engaging way of including her in it. Again she thought of how easy it was to be in his company.

And just as she had this thought, Captain Croft stepped directly behind her and placed his hands over hers on the wheel. It was an innocent gesture on his part, but it shook Sophy to her core. Heat shot through her body as she became intensely aware of him standing behind her, almost touching. She unconsciously stood up straighter and breathed in quickly. This had the embarrassing effect of raising her bosom at the same time that she leaned a little back into him.

Sophy felt the captain grow tense when he seemed to realize what he had done. His hands gripped tighter on hers, as if he needed that to steady himself. Sophy heard him catch his breath. Then she felt him slowly exhale and the rush of his warm breath spilled over her neck. The intimacy of it was nearly unbearable. And yet, she wished he would do it again. Quite without meaning to, Sophy stretched her neck away from him, hoping that he would touch her there. All sense of where she was had flown away on the breeze that now blew softly over her neck, tickling at the spot she wanted him to touch. But he remained frozen.

She could feel the tension and the heat radiating from his body as she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. Her eyelids felt heavy with her desire to kiss him. The descriptions she had read in her books held no comparison to the thrills that kept running through her body at his nearness. This had not even happened with Mr. Hollingson, she thought lazily. Every part of her needed to be touched. Sophy looked over her shoulder and into Captain Croft's eyes where she thought she saw her own feelings echoed.

As they continued to gaze at each other, Sophy felt his fingers, still over hers on the wheel, begin lightly to caress hers. It was maddeningly soft and yet still too much sensation to handle. Sophy's gaze shifted to the captain's lips. Her own lips parted and her heart beat fast. She tilted her head further and looked back into his eyes. He was also breathing heavily, his chest close enough that each time it expanded, she felt his touch on her back. He moved an inch closer. His lips parted. She wanted him. All she needed was for him to lean a few inches more. That was
all
she could think of at the moment.

But he would not move. They both seemed frozen in place, though the heat of desire threatened to melt them. Sophy saw a look of pain cross his face, the same one she had seen that day by the pond.

She fell apart inside, embarrassed of herself.

He did not want her. She had made a mistake. She had made a fool of herself with this man. He had seemed to understand her so intimately, and now she had gone too far. Sophy looked away, a fierce blush rising up her neck and to her cheeks. She should pull away. And yet she was still in his arms. And the desire she felt hadn't left. He didn't want her that way and yet he hadn't let her go. Sophy couldn't look at him. How foolish she was. Over a man she might never see again. Frustrated tears rose to her eyes.

“
Sophy – I...” he whispered, a hitch in his voice. He was too good. He was trying to spare her feelings.

She still wouldn't look at him. “Yes,” was all she said, cutting off whatever he had been about to utter. She wasn't sure why that was the word. He hadn't asked her a question. And yet, “yes” seemed to answer something for her. It validated what she felt, the feelings that had passed between them. No matter what he felt about her, Sophy's whole being had said “yes” to him and the feelings he had brought to her. She would accept that she had fallen in love with him. And then she would deal with the consequences of it. She would store this memory in her heart, brand it on her mind like the mirage on the horizon. Whether it would be for good or for evil, she would have to discover.

That “yes” held something else, a spirit of defiance, as if Sophy were challenging Captain Croft to deny her feelings. It gave her courage to look at him again. And she was glad she did. Now she saw a kind of sadness and tenderness in his face. Not pain. He seemed to realize that he'd hurt her. And his look said he was sorry for it, even before he could utter the words.

“
Sophy,” he still spoke in a whisper. “Sophy, I am sorry...” She gave him a sad half-smile.

“
I know.”

There was nothing more they could safely say to each other. Sophy remembered the Old Mill, when he had pulled away and set them safely back in the territory of friends. This time
she
would take the action. “Now...” Sophy took a deep breath and blinked the tears from her eyes. “Now, shall you help me move these unseen pulleys that direct this big ship?”

“
You have already moved them more than you might imagine.” His voice came out in a whisper. It gave the words a significance she hadn't anticipated. But Sophy pushed that out of her mind. He had made his decision, as she had made hers.

“
But still, I would like to say I have moved them more than a few inches! Together we may move them farther. I have a desire to feel some power under my fingertips this afternoon.” Sophy managed as bright a smile as she could.

The captain laughed and the tension of unsaid words and unshared feelings broke. They could laugh together again. It went a small part of the way toward healing her heart.

“
Oh, Sophy --” Captain Croft sighed, amusement in his voice. “On the count of three, then...” And together they pushed the wheel and felt the ship move underneath them.

The sun was setting over Watchet harbor, but Connie didn't notice. Nor did he hear his first lieutenant approach. And so he was startled when the man spoke.

“
Miss Wentworth is a charming woman.” It was plainly stated.

“
What the devil, O'Brian?” Connie growled at him.

“
Now, now, such language, Croft!” There was amusement in his voice.

“
Do not sneak up on me like that. And how the devil did you know I was thinking of Miss Wentworth? Have you started reading minds?”

“
If I have, it would not be difficult at all to tell where your mind is. You have been standing there scowling at the shoreline for hours.” O'Brian was always damnably logical.

“
I could be mourning my parents.”

“
Hmm.” The noise conveyed his incredulity.

“
Don't 'hmm' me, O'Brian, I am in no mood for it.”

“
Precisely,” he paused, which further irritated Connie.

“
Well, man, out with it!”

“
I have known you for how many years now?”

“
I don't know. Ten or so?”

“
More or less,” O'Brian agreed. “And I have never seen you like this after a leavetaking with your parents. And,” he held up his hand before Connie could interrupt, “I am highly skeptical that you are so distraught over leaving two boys.”

“
I am
not
distraught,” Connie said firmly. He convinced neither himself nor his companion.

“
Hmm.”

“
That damned noise again!”

“
Protest all you like. You cannot fool me, old friend.” O'Brian smiled wryly.

“
The devil...”

Connie had known Brandon O'Brian for a long time. T
hey had
come up through the ranks together. The ordeals and adventures on the
Baron
had bound them in fast friendship. Though O'Brian was a few years older than Connie, the two men had a common sensibility. Both were well-liked by their fellow sailors, but they were also extremely talented. In the natural pecking order that developed belowdecks, Connie and Brandon had both been on top. Connie was a more charismatic and outgoing authority, while Brandon was quietly confident and commanding. When they worked together, there was nothing they couldn't accomplish. They had discovered this early in their careers and had used it to great advantage, each earning distinction for merit on board the
Baron
.

They had even taken their lieutenant's exams together. And celebrated in grand style when they both passed. Connie still could not recall how they had made it back to the ship that night.

When Connie had earned a captain's rank last year and been assigned to the
Pleasant,
he had thought of no one else to stand by his side. They had talked honestly together about their new difference in rank. Connie had wanted his friend to know that he still considered them equals, even though he would now wear a captain's epaulets on his uniform coat. In his usual style, O'Brian had been supremely reasonable and generous. He'd confessed that he did not envy his friend's commission and would prefer a lieutenancy over a captain's post. That way he still maintained rank, but not the ultimate responsibility for the ship. That suited him fine. And they'd settled into their roles on the
Pleasant
quite well, working together even better than they had on the
Baron
.