My Dear Stranger (20 page)

I didn’t know, and He didn’t explain our love
or even His absence.  Again, He gave me nothing as excuse or explanation.  Again, He gave me nothing.
Unaware of what I wanted or craved, and unaware of my feelings and beliefs I lay in silence.  I was unaware of my life and my love, until I slowly raised my face again to the stranger.  And in a whisper so sad, I asked Him to leave me forever.
I asked Him to leave me.  I asked Him to rise and walk away.  I asked Him to leave my room and my home.  I asked Him to please leave me forever alone.
And pausing for mere moments, with eyes so beautiful swimming in tears He looked to me.  But before He could look through me, I turned from Him and us.
Eventually, I heard His soft cries as His body left my bed.  I felt His warmth ease from my skin.  He turned the music off and He left my world in silence. I felt Him leave me physically though I could no longer really feel the absence of warmth for the surety of my decision. 

But I
did feel the weight which threatened to crush my chest.  I felt my loneliness and sadness.  I felt my misery and pain.  I felt, but I no longer waited.

“
I’ll be back for you because you were born for me to love,” I heard Him whisper as He left my room.
And so I cry as I write these words.  I am living half alive.  I am still alone, but I'm no longer waiting for His return.
My life is here, wrapped in these sheets, barely able to breathe, alone and desperate, though my heart no longer waits.
I am here now, half alive but alive.  I am no longer waiting for the world outside to let me live, slow and sure, as I finally learn how to breathe alone.
August 27 2003
23 years old

*****

  And that was our end.  There was no big drama, nor dramatics.  We didn't make love as a final act of unnecessary suffering.  We didn't kiss goodbye.  We did nothing.  That was our end.  That was the simple ending that has haunted me for almost 9 years.
  I am haunted by the complete absence of anything.  After nearly 7 years together I feel like we deserved more.  I feel like a grandiose gesture was required.  I feel like the almost 7 years we spent together needed the dramatic ending which the relationship itself had strived on.
  Our entire existence was based on our drama, and the end was based on the words 'please leave me' followed by the leaving of me.  I was left after living for Him for nearly 7 years of my young life.  I was left as quickly as He had come to me in the night.
  And I have been haunted. 

 
Years have passed with Him always there.  Each milestone, each accomplishment, each everything I have done in the last 8 years are secretly wrapped up in Him.
  Maybe not every single day, but certainly every few days I have remembered Him.  I have been caught unaware and He has assaulted me.  I have smelled a flower and He came to my mind.  I have made my bed and remembered Him soiling my sheets with my virginity.  I have even taken the dishes from the dishwasher and remembered a glass of water He once placed at my bedside.
  8 years I have waited, which is really unfair to my husband and son.  Well, maybe not my son because he has all the love I could possibly give him.  But for my husband?  I'm not sure.  I think I hold back.  Actually, I know I do.  I love him, and he's a good man, but I still hold back part of myself from him.

  And I just can’t handle all this pressure anymore.  There’s too much pressure on my chest weighing me down.

CHAPTER 18

 
Looking around my garage I'm disgusted.  Everything is all messy.  There is stuff everywhere and I hate it.  It's all so messy, I feel like
I'm
messy.

 
But He never came back...
 

 
I don't understand what I'm doing and I don't understand what I've done.  What have I become?  What did I do wrong?

 
But He never came back...

  I no longer live a half-life.  I am fully alive with a large life surrounding me.  I am alive and happy.

 
But He never came back…
 

*****

  Why do I feel like this?
  What's wrong with me?  Everything hurts and yet I feel nothing.
  Oh god, I miss Him.  Where are you?  What are you doing?

  Crying out, I can't seem to stop myself.
  Where did you go?
  No, that’s not fair.  I made Him leave.  I made Him go.  I did this.
  Oh god… I miss you. 

  Where are you?
 

  I can’t
believe He left.  I can't believe He actually left me.  Sobbing, I can't seem to stop myself but I know I'm not making sense.  I KNOW it, but it just doesn't feel right to me.  I made Him leave me, but He left me.  Why?
  No.  No, no, no.  I needed Him to leave me because I wanted a good life.  And I have a good life, I know I do.  Oh, god.  What is my life?
  I can't breathe...
  Pulling and tugging at my collar, I rip my sweater off but I still can't breathe.  Tugging and pulling at my collar, I rip my t-shirt off but I still can't breathe.  Everything hurts.  And my chest is so tight.
  Pulling and tugging, I rip my bra off, and I inhale as deep as my lungs will allow.  Why can't I breathe right anymore?
  Rounding my spine, holding my knees, rocking back and forth, I can finally breathe a little.
  Please.  Please make this stop.
  Why did you leave me?
  Reaching, I crawl across the floor and grab for a smoke, I light up with shaking hands and wait for the peace to envelop me.  Waiting, I wipe my face of tears and breathe in deep my nicotine dream.  Waiting, I need the peace to take me.  I need to remember to breathe.
  Why did you leave me?
 

  Crying and begging, I feel nothing but
His loss in this moment.  Where are you now?  Do you love someone?  Are you happy with someone else?
  I can't seem to fight this desperation.  I need to know.  I need answers.  I don't know, but I need to know if He loves someone else.  Why?  What does it matter? 

He left me because I asked Him to go.
  He left me because I told Him to go.
  He left me because I wanted Him to go.
 

Why?
  Why did He leave me?
 

.

… OF THE
END

CHAPTER 19

  Freezing, sitting in my garage I remember that time so clearly.  I remember how cold I was all the time.  Even in the summer I froze.  It's like my skin had a layer of ice underneath and I could never get warm.  In the shower I warmed until the second I got out and then my body froze to the core once again.
  For years, Patrick used to make jokes and poke fun at me, lightly of course, about me being a cold hearted bitch.  He would wrap a blanket around me and rub my arms briskly to try to warm me up when I shivered.  He would crank the heat, even in May so I could get a little warmth into my skin.  Once he even joked that I must love seeing him all hot and sweaty and that's why I insisted on blasting space heaters in my apartment. 
  But I didn't.  I was just cold.  Always.  My body froze, no matter how hot the outside temperature or the temperature inside, it didn’t matter, I was always cold. 
  I remember finding out years later I was always anemic and I also had Raynaud's phenomenon, which caused me to be cold.  Learning I wasn't suffering from coldness because I was emotionally unstable was helpful.  Learning I was actually cold and it wasn't just my imagination or because I was dead inside made me feel remarkably better.  I actually didn't produce enough red blood cells to warm me, so I was emotionally okay- just physically cold.
  Like right now.  I'm freezing.  Well, actually I
am
outside in the garage and it is late fall and I’m barely dressed, but still... I'm freezing.  But it's not my fault and it's not my imagination- I have an ailment that makes me cold.  I have chronic anemia which may have even caused the miscarriage as some suspect.  I don't know.  I just know I freeze all the time.

*****

 
2 weeks after He left me, on the second Saturday of September, I received a call from Alexander Hamilton.
  The University summer break was over and classes were to commence on Monday.  After exiting a midday shower, I saw the blinking light and I knew it was Alex.  I just knew.  And I couldn't believe he still cared enough to call.
  My absence from the world had been thorough.  I had spoken to my mother once and lied about everything going on in my life.  I told her the summer session of school was fine, and I was fine.  I had pretended I was University attending Sadie, when in reality I was next to nothing Sadie.  I blew off anyone and everyone including Dr. Synode.  I became a ghost in my city, a ghost to my parents, and a ghost in the world.
  I was lucky my student loans covered my summer session.  So when I lost my mind, I called in and withdrew from my classes, and that withdrawal afforded me a credit into my bank account in which to live on over my summer of mental and physical vacancy.  And though I knew I'd have to pay back those summer session loans one day, it wasn't then, so I was okay.  One day the weight of my excessive student loans would crush me, but it wasn't that particular summer.  Therefore, after my withdrawal I had enough money to stay in my apartment for 2 months, paid in full, with nothing to do but ghost about my life while I tried to figure out my reality.
  10 minutes after his call, I was tightly wound when I pressed play on my machine.  I didn't want Alex to be mean, but I also understood he was a twenty four year old guy who kissed a girl who vanished on him.  I understood he was probably angry, and likely to tell me to piss off.  I understood he was likely telling me to leave him alone, though admittedly I really didn't want that.  I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted Alexander Hamilton’s light and ease in my life, in some small way.
  So sitting on my couch, I leaned over, prepared myself mentally, and pressed play.
  “Hi Sadie.  I'm not sure what's going on, or if you're coming back to school, but I wanted to say hello and check up on you.  I promised I wouldn't call again and I didn't, but schools starting up and I had hoped you would be attending this year.  You're so smart, and I would hate for you to tank your University studies.  Plus, I miss walking with you.  If nothing else, could you call me back and let me know you're okay.  I just want to know you're okay, even if you don't want to be my friend anymore.  That's all, I promise.  Um, I'll wait for your call.”
  Listening to his message over and over again I was truly surprised by the relief I felt hearing his voice.  Alex seemed so sincere, and kind.  He wasn't pushy or demanding, and he didn't stress me out.  He seemed like just a nice guy, and I found myself wanting just a nice guy in my life.
  Bracing myself, I pulled my wet hair from the towel, put on my housecoat, and lit a smoke.  With shaking hands, I eventually dialed the phone number I had never forgotten.
  Waiting out 2 rings, Alexander answered the phone a little breathless, like maybe he had run for the phone.