My Fair Duchess (A Once Upon A Rogue Novel Book 1) (38 page)

The words were like a balm to his ears.

“You are my son. And I want to try to make up, in some small way, for what I have done to you and what I have caused you to do to yourself.” She grabbed his arm, her thin fingers curling around his skin. “You won’t allow yourself to love and be loved, and it is all my fault. It’s because of me that you cannot trust women. When your father died, he not only left you a letter, but he left me one, as well.” She glanced at the settee in the corner. “Can we please sit for a minute?”

“All right.” He took her elbow, and she led him to the dark green cushions.

She took a deep breath as she sat beside him and grasped his hand. He stared at their intertwined hands, his large and hers small, and he remembered how, as a child, he had longed for her to grasp his small hand in hers. His throat ached with the old yearning.

“Tell me what happened between you and Father,” he said simply, wanting to heal the pain and hoping she could shed some light that would help him to do so.

“The day I went into labor with you, we almost died. The doctor demanded that your father chose who to save―you or me. Of course, your father could not make such a choice and he told the doctor to save both of us.”

Colin nodded, his chest squeezing painfully. “Go on.”

His mother sniffed and wiped away a tear. “W―when it seemed we would both die, it seems your father made a v―vow to God.” She took a ragged breath. “He said that if he would save us both, he would never touch me in lust again.” She paused again, and wrapped her arms around her waist, deep sadness filling her eyes. “He thought he owed this to God as penance for having believed, as his father and grandfather did, that the dukes of Aversley were above the need for God’s grace.” She stopped again, this time looking straight into Colin’s eyes. “So, he made the vow for his sin, but he believed if he ever told anyone of his sacrifice his vow would be worthless, and you and I, possibly both of us, would be taken from him.” Her voice cracked on the last sentence.

“My God,” Colin whispered, his throat almost too tight to talk. “He never touched you again after my birth?”

“Never.” The tears streamed down his mother’s face now, and it made the ache in Colin’s throat intensify. She swiped at the tears. “He never came to my bed again. Yet, w―worse than that, all the intimacy that had been between us was gone.” She shuddered. “Never a kiss. Never a brush of his hand against mine. And all without explanation.” Colin had to strain to hear the words, now barely above a whisper.

“When I begged him to explain, he simply said he couldn’t. I was sure he had found another, so I set out to hurt him or make him jealous and want me again. Anything. Anything to make him see me, because I felt invisible.”

She raked a hand through her hair. “I took lovers. Countless lovers. But he never weakened. Never explained. And when I came to believe he did not have lovers, it was worse because then it was all about me. Only me. Do you see?”

Her voice beseeched him to understand. He nodded.

“
I
was the problem. He did not want me. No longer loved me. But I truly thought he stayed with me and endured me because of his love for you. I was hurt, devastated, and so very angry. I hated him and you. He held your hand, touched your cheek, and kissed your forehead. I set out to destroy him, you, me. All of us,” she cried out.

She pulled her hand away from Colin and wept into her palms. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice muffled. “So very sorry. If I had only known of the vow. I could have endured it, though it would have still been awful. If I had only known…”

He slid his hand around her shaking shoulder and pressed her head down before gently running his hand through her hair and giving her, he hoped, the comfort he had always longed for from her. How wrong they had all been about one another.

“Shh,” he whispered soothingly.

After a while, his mother’s cries subsided, and she raised her head. “I would have told you sooner, but I knew you would not believe me. I was hoping you would see how I had changed. I stopped taking lovers and drinking. I tried to take an interest in helping you find a bride.”

“Lady Sara,” he said with a chuckle.

“Yes.” She nodded. “It seems you were already in love with another.”

“Yes, I was, and I am, but I’ve likely destroyed any chance with her.”

“My dear,” his mother said, running a gentle hand through his hair as he had dreamed of so many nights as a youth. “The only way you will know for certain is by going to her and pouring out your heart to her. As a woman I can tell you that when we are deeply in love we will forgive anything if only we can understand or feel forgiveness is wanted. Do you think you can ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you, your father, myself?” She glanced down at her hands. “Your friendships?”

He pressed a kiss to her cheek, a thing he had never done before. “I forgive you.” The words were not uttered to calm her. They were simply true.

“But you must forgive me, too. I never saw your pain, or never bothered to look. None of us made good choices,” he said, thinking how colossally stupid it had been to keep the will a secret from Amelia.

“Go to her,” his mother said, pressing her hand to his cheek. “Go to her and win her back as I had hoped every day your father would try to do with me. I guarantee you, if she loves you, that is exactly what she is hoping for if she has any sense at all.”

Colin grinned. “She is very sensible. Usually.”

Amelia had never wished for anyone’s death, not even Georgiana’s after Georgiana had pushed her into the lake, but she was ashamed to admit there was the smallest part of her that wished Lord Huntington had died. When the knock had resounded on the door four days ago after her mother had told her of what that wretched man was threatening and what he had already forced her mother to do, Amelia had thanked God for the news that Lord Huntington had been injured, but she had questioned God’s leniency in letting the evil man live, at all.

And now their time was up. Sooner than what she had expected.

Carriage wheels turning in the drive alerted her that he was here. It was entirely too bad that all the man had sustained from his fall was a nasty cut to his head. Apparently, head injuries were not enough to keep the vile beast away for very long. She fingered the note she had intercepted that he had sent to Mother yesterday telling her he would be coming to call on her today.
Call on her!
Amelia snorted. How dare the man pretend, even in a note, that his visit was merely a social one?

Amelia took a deep breath to still herself against the nerves threatening to consume her. The only way she had gotten her mother out of the house and to Constance’s mother’s home for the afternoon was by lying and faking a note from Lord Huntington saying he was still bedridden and would not come to call for another week. She felt slightly guilty for the lie, but it had been necessary. Just as the one where she had sworn to go back to London tomorrow had been necessary.

Nothing would tear Amelia from her mother’s side. But being alone now was good. She needed to be calm when she faced Lord Huntington, and Mother did not have a calming affect. She would be livid if she knew Amelia was facing the man alone, but then again, if Mother were here, she would not present the brave face Amelia was sure they needed to show. Lord Huntington would never believe Amelia was willing to kill him to gain his silence if her mother was standing by her side shaking.

Amelia glanced at the pistol in her trembling right hand. Of course, Amelia would never kill him, but Lord Huntington did not know that, and if she needed to shoot him in the foot to make him believe the next bullet would be in his heart, she would do it.

Mother would die if she had to allow that man to bed her again. She’d not said it, but Amelia could see it in the haunting fear in her eyes. And Amelia knew deep in her heart her mother would have gladly suffered the humiliation of everyone knowing what she had done, if not for her worry that Amelia would suffer, as well. Mother saw no way out, but Amelia did. By taking matters squarely into her own hands, her mother would not be able to blame herself for whatever befell Amelia, and she would not be able to stop what she had no idea was occurring.

Hiding the pistol behind her back, Amelia took her time making her way to the door, as Lord Huntington’s knocks grew louder. She paused and stared at the dark wood as a deep longing for Colin gripped her. She shoved the useless wish away. He had not come here, and he may never speak to her again even after she went to him, which she fully intended to do when this mess was sorted out.

A large lump formed in her throat. If her reputation was in tatters when she saw him next, would he believe her when she told him the truth of it? Would it even matter? His entire life had been overshadowed by whispers of his mother. It was entirely possible he would not want Amelia anymore, if he wanted her at all, if there were horrid rumors about her.
If he loves me, it should not matter to him,
she reminded herself. Yet, fear that he may no longer love her after she had fled the way she did pulsed with every beat of her heart.

By the time she turned the handle, she had to grind her teeth together to stop the terrible tic that had started in her jaw. Lifting her chin, she backed up enough to allow Lord Huntington to come in without having to turn her back. He was dressed in an ill-fitting, drab blue coat and his tight pantaloons showed every disgusting bulge. His bare head gleamed, and his dull eyes assessed her with unhidden desire. She swallowed her disgust.

“Lord Huntington, do come in.”

As he stepped through the threshold, she moved back several more steps. She did not think the man would try to ravage her now, but she was not taking any chances.

He stopped in the entrance and faced her, his flinty eyes not concealing his lustful observation of her. “Where is your mother?”

“She’s not here,” Amelia replied, making a decision not to mince words. The sooner she was done with Lord Huntington the better.

“Did she not receive my note that I was coming today?”

“She did not,” Amelia replied as nonchalantly as she could. “I intercepted the note and sent her away.”

“Really? How very deceptive of you.”

He took a step toward her, and Amelia gripped the pistol hidden behind her back. If he made one move to maul her, she wouldn’t hesitate to shoot his foot. Maybe both feet.

 “I sent my mother away because I wish to talk to you alone, and I did not want to upset her. She’s told me what you have been making her do since my father’s death, and she also told me how you wish to do the same with me.” Amelia moved the pistol from behind her back and pointed it toward him, cursing her shaking hands. “I tell you now, I will never lie with you nor will my mother lie with you ever again.” Her heart thumped wildly, but she did not blink.

“You won’t shoot me,” he said, narrowing his eyes and stepping forward once more so that Amelia was forced to back into the foyer table to get some distance from him. He smiled, showing yellowed teeth. The smell of sweet, disgusting liquor rolled off him in sickening waves. “You will lie with me, sweet Amelia, or I will ruin your mother, you, and your brother. She must have forgotten to tell you that.”

Anger so strong it was nearly choking filled her. She rose up to her full height and tried to still her hands. “She told me. Which is why I am prepared to shoot you to gain your silence. And as for my brother, he will pay his debts.” She was certain Colin would do this for Philip, and Philip would simply have to swallow his blasted pride.

Lord Huntington moved with a speed that defied logic for a man as old as he was. Her fingers stung as the pistol was ripped from her grip. He leaned closer and leered. “I like your spark, Amelia, but when I’m done with you, you will be begging me for more and not threatening to shoot me.”

Amelia felt her mouth slip open, so she snapped her teeth together, but it was a second too late. He smiled, a frightening show of perverse glee. Reaching out, he yanked her to him by the crown of her hair while pointing the pistol at her temple. Though her scalp stung and tears burned her eyes, she bit her lip against crying out as he forced her head back. He licked his fat, cracked lips. “You should have never tried to defy me, Amelia.”

His lips came down on hers brutally hard and crushing. Her scream was lost in his mouth. Rage exploded in her breast, and she raked her hand down the meaty flesh of his face. A fierce growl erupted from him seconds before he threw her from him. She gasped for clean air as she stumbled backward and fell to the ground. Within a breath, he loomed above her, blood seeping down the right side of his face where she had ripped his skin away.

“Spread your legs for me, Amelia.”

Promptly, she clamped her legs together while placing her palms behind her on the ground to prepare to spring out of his reach, or please God not his shot, but she didn’t think she’d be much good to him dead. As he lunged for her, she pushed off the floor and twisted away, but the hot, slick feel of his strong beefy fingers clamping around her ankle made her heart crash to the floor. Fear sprung up in the form of gooseflesh over every inch of her body as he dragged her toward him. She dug her nails into the wood with the strength of desperation, causing small splinters to release from a loose board and lodge under the tender flesh of her nail beds.