My Forever (9 page)

Elder Simmons grins
.
“Well keep listening to that voice. I think with your knowledge, you’ll be better served studying on your own.” He hands me a small pamphlet. “Check the scriptures here and spend some time praying.”

I reach out and take it.
One more thing to hide from my parents.

“
And you can take this as well.” He hands me a
B
ook of Mormon.

“Well, that I definitely can’t hide.” I hand it back to him. Bringing a Book of Mormon into the house is probably on par with my pregnancy.
Or worse.

“I have an iPod you can borrow,” Michael offers. “I have the audio Book of Mormon on there. You can listen to it if you like
. I
t won’t help with the scripture chasing
,
but it’ll give you an idea.”

I watch him for a minute to make sure he means it. “Okay.” I say carefully. H
ow long have I wanted one of tho
se? I don’t even know.

~
~
~

I walk home that night with Michael’s small
blue
iPod and the pamphlet crammed into my back pocket. They offered me a ride, but I need time. I listen to
Michael’s
music. I feel
kinda
bad, but I’m s
o curious. I hit shuffle and am
surprised to hear a lot of what I listen to. I don’t know what I expected. He obviously wouldn’t listen to church music all the time. I take the headphones out before I reach my house
—no need for
extra questions.

I eat a little dinner that Mom set out for me, and go to bed early. I pull out my Bible and look up all the scripture references that I can. I think about how many prophets I know of that had seen God or a part of God, the hand of God, heard His voice. There were a lot. It suddenly doesn’t seem so strange that it could happen now. My father looks in on me and I’m on my bunk, scriptures
laid
out in front of me. He gives me a nod of approval and continues on down the hallway. That couldn’t have worked out better.

Dad must be doing the rounds to have his “connection” time with his kids. I turn out the light on my bunk, put Michael’s headphones in my ears and push
play on his scriptures. The names are unfamiliar;
the language feels a little different, but better, easier to understand for me. I’m completely wrapped up in the story. How could
Laman
and
Lemuel
be so stupid? Who sees angels and then keeps doing idiotic things? How many miracles did one person have to see to understand that there’s a God? I fall asleep with the headphones in my ears.

When I wake up in the morning I’m anxious to get to school so I can throw up without anyone noticing. Well, I’m not anxious for the throwing up part. Just the not being noticed part. Also so I can talk to either Michael or Tracy. I
just
make it.

Tracy’s alone today. I shouldn’t be disappointed. But I am.

“Where’s your brother-cousin?” I ask, trying to sound cool and like I don’t care.

She rolls her eyes. “We each get a personal day a month, from our mom
. H
e’s taking his today.”

“Oh.” I look down. “I need to return this to him.” I pull out his iPod.

She laughs. “He has like three or four
. H
is dad keeps forgetting he’s already gotten him one and keeps sending them as birthday and Christmas presents. His dad has a bit of money.” She looks at me like it’s a lot more than a bit. “So, was yesterday too strange for you?”

“No, I read last night and listened and I’m trying really hard to just
feel
.” Why am I so honest with her
?
I thought it was just Michael.

“Well, good. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been comforted by what we believe. It works for me you know?
Might not for everyone, but it does for me.
”

I nod. But church for me has always felt like a job.
A big family job.

~
~
~

I continue on with Elder Simmons and Elder Night for the next three weeks. The time at the church and with Michael and Tracy becom
e something I look forward to. And e
ven though Michael is completely out of the realm of
possibility
, he’s fun to be around.

We burn through the
official missionary
discussions pretty fast. I’m glad. I’m on a timetable. The baby inside me is going to grow and come out no matter what. I can’t stop it. I can’t slow it down. I’m marching toward one big decision after another. I’m starting to notice my belly. Proof that this is really happening. I can still wear my pants
but
can’t button them. It doesn’t matter. They stay up and my sweatshirt can easily cover me.
For now.

I get to the church early on our last discussion day. The doors are open
,
and I know the missionaries are here somewhere
,
but it’s quiet inside. I pull my camera from its
case, and start taking pictures.

The
hangers in the closet.

An
old set of scriptures, sitting there, waiting for someone to claim them.
There’s a story with everything and I always wonder what it is. Who left the scriptures? Are they frantically looking around their house or are they noticed as being missing?

Some classrooms still have writing on their chalkboards so I take pictures of those too. There’s a hangman game in one room. I wonder what Sunday is like in this building? Coming here instead of going to my father’s church is impossible.

I walk into another small room. There’s a list of blessings that come from family. I stand in that classroom for a while, looking down the list. Love, Strength, Support, People to
talk to
,
People to listen
, Eternal families… It’s a list everyone should want. I can feel tears come to my eyes. I’m doing a good thing here. This baby will be well taken care of. I know it. I feel it that strong. I also feel a kind of peace that I haven’t felt in a long time. Maybe never.

Feeling this deep makes me uncomfortable, like I’m itching inside
, but pieces are starting to fall into place. I take another picture to help
me get my emotions back under control.  I slowly step out of the classroom.

“There you are!” Elder Simmons says from the foyer.

I wave and walk toward them.

“How are we today?” Elder Night asks.

“Really good.” I smile as I hold in tears. Uncomfortable deepness is back.

“Great.” They take their seats in the foyer.

Michael and Tracy walk in. I
want to show Michael
what I just saw. I want to sit with him and talk with no one else around. Maybe he’d look at the pictures I just took and we could share stories. I don’t know how to do that
,
but I want it so bad. Our eyes catch each other’s more often than usual as everyone gets settled and sits on the floor.

“Guess we can get started, this is your last one.” Michael do
es
n’t just look at my eyes; he takes in my face, my expression. I swear he knows what I’m feeling right now but then again, it’s
probably
more like wishful thinking. I’m a little sad that it’s almost over.

We’ve gone back and forth on the getting baptized thing. For
all
three weeks. The missionaries have to bring it up. They just have to. But it’s not the reason I’m here. Being pregnant is definitely enough of a transgression to last my parents for a while. The missionaries don’t know about this. They invite me to church, as always, but I know it’s impossible. I also know I’m going to miss this.

We talk about the temple a lot this time. We talk about how families are sealed up to spend eternity together. I wonder why my dad has always thought this church is so bad? We talk about the importance of finding someone to share your life with. The person you choose to marry is the key.
Your eternal partner.
The one person you choose in this life. But the parents of this baby will
choose
this baby, and I will choose the parents.
The baby’s
forever
family
.
It’s a scary realization.

I close my eyes to block out the scariness
,
but it doesn’t block it out, it puts me in the middle of it. I let them talk while I’m in the dark space behind my lids.  Getting married if I felt like I’d have that person forever
?
Huge. How much more would I love? How much harder would I dedicate myself to my partner if I knew I could keep him forever? Warmth washes over me. I want it bad. Something else happens. I see Michael. I blush and open my eyes.

“Okay, Dani. We’re going to invite you again to be baptized.” Elder Night uses his best teasing voice. Only we both knew he’s not really teasing, it just eases the tension. We all get along
,
and we all want it to stay that way.

“I’m just curious guys
,
remember?” I open my eyes. “Besides, I’m already keeping one big thing from my parents, this would just add another.”

They exchange glances. Crap.

“I’m pregnant. I wanted to learn more about your church before I put my baby up for adoption through it.” I just blurt it out, there’s no other way. They’re stunned into silence for a minute
,
and I laugh. These two are never silent.

Elder Simmons laughs a little then and changes tacks. “Well, you’re under eighteen. We’d need their permission anyway.”

“Well, I’m eighteen in like a week, so that’s not really an obstacle.” Why did I just say that?

Everyone in the room exchanges surprised glances and the tension is back.

“I…” I don’t know how to start. “I don’t want more than one thing at a time that I’m keeping from my parents. I’m not even
thinking
about this for myself right now.” Or am I?

7

Today is a day I have been both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I skip play practice again to come to the church. Sister Ingalls has a round face, grey hair and a sweet smile of pink lipstick. We go into the Bishop’s office to talk.