My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (26 page)

(Above) A casual snapshot of Brian, Danielle and I enjoying being together in January 2004, just as this book was entering into the final stages of editing. (Right) A recent photo of Danielle, April 2004.

CHAPTER 1 6
Trouble with the Law 

JULY, 2000

Friends share a special something that is rich, rare, powerful, and persuasive. They offer it without cost to each other, and yet it holds extreme value. If it were a commodity, it would be considered priceless. If it were a precious stone, its value would be immeasurable. If it were a painting, it would be the most coveted of all works of art. What is it? Forgiveness. One simple word, phrase, or touch that transforms heartbreak into healing, sadness into celebration, and tragedy into triumph.

FROM
HUGS FROM HEAVEN CELEBRATING FRIENDSHIP
G.A. MEYERS AND LEANN WEISS

Brian never spoke with Helen again. She had gotten the message that their relationship was over when Brian referred her to the police rather than coming to her aid after her husband’s assault.

Nonetheless, I did not trust Helen even slightly and I wanted every trace of her removed from my life and Brian’s life.

Two days after giving Brian my ultimatum, I began to challenge

him to decide.

“What is your decision? Her or me?” I demanded.

“Okay,” he snapped. “I’ll have nothing to do with Helen anymore.” This was the answer I was looking for, but not the tone. “Do you promise that if she ever calls you again you’ll say, ‘Helen, our relationship is completely over. Don’t ever call this number again. I love my wife and I never want to speak to you again’?” I demanded.

“Yes,” he replied, matching my loud volume.

“Do you promise to tell me about it if it happens?”

“Yes.”

“Do you promise never to try to contact her again yourself?” I asked.

“Yes,” came Brian’s now exasperated reply.

I was comforted to hear the words I longed for, yet I was far from feeling secure.

Next I asked him if they’d ever exchanged gifts. He told me that Helen once gave him a card with a photo.

“Where is it?” I demanded. Brian retrieved the card and threw it at me.

“There, it doesn’t mean anything to me,” he shouted.

I opened the envelope that had been thrown towards me.

To Brian, my soul mate ... Looking forward to our future together,

I’ll love you always, Helen.

I looked at Helen’s photo.

“I want you to destroy this picture yourself,” I said handing it back to Brian. Brian immediately ripped the photo in half and threw it in the garbage.

“No, that’s not good enough.” I shouted, grabbing the two halves of the picture back out of the trash and handing them back to

Brian. “Rip it into a million pieces,” I continued to shout, giving way to some honest anger.

He looked at me and tore it into as many small pieces as was possible. It seemed that he wanted to get rid of every trace of Helen and this nightmare as much as I did.

“Is there anything else?” I asked. “Are there any other traces of that woman in our home?”

“No,” he said, reaching out gently and embracing me tenderly. The intensity of my anger gave way to sobbing.

“Thank you. Thank you for doing that,” I said, soothed by his willingness to give me what I needed. He hugged me for a long time and let me cry in his arms as long as I needed to. It was just Brian and I now. No more third party wreaking havoc in our marriage.

The next day after dinner, Brian asked me if I would like to go out for coffee. It made me feel special that he was initiating yet another date.

After ordering our coffees, we found an empty table outside. It was a cool summer evening, but heat lamps kept us warm. We enjoyed the fresh air and the bustling city life at the same time.

“Ask me anything you want about the affair,” Brian offered.

He knew I needed to be free to talk about my feelings and to understand. Many months later, I learned that he was a rare spouse to be willing to share the details with me. Many adulterers are unwilling to talk about their affair, and think their betrayed spouses should be able to just suck it up and get over it. They desire to bury it when what is needed is many hours of honest dialogue. The pain of an affair doesn’t go away by pretending it doesn’t exist.

This coffee date was an important part of our healing journey. Over the next two years, Brian took me out for many more dates where we discussed the affair and why it happened. Brian willingly answered all of my questions, holding nothing back. For me the healing came gradually through learning the details. The pain is in

the details, but so is the healing.

I have heard the importance of open discussion between spouses regarding affairs explained through an analogy involving a window and a wall. When affairs take place, the third party is given a window into the relationship, because the unfaithful spouse generally talks about his or her marriage with the person they are having an affair with.

However, the unknowing faithful partner sees only a wall. They are not allowed to see beyond the marriage into the affair, which is always hidden with lies and deception. If healing is to take place, the window and wall must be reversed. The faithful partner must be given a window into the affair, and the third party must be given the wall instead. Their window into the marriage must be boarded shut permanently.

I have seen no better explanation of the importance of full disclosure than in the following letter by a man whose wife had an affair. He later posted the letter on a website so others could benefit from it.

Joseph’s Letter4:

To Whomever,

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to “look” at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with

this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them so you understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or questions. You carry all the “STUFF” to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have.

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as they are to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives will ever “feel” complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there is a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether

there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to “understand” the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you choose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

Brian was willingly handing over the puzzle pieces, allowing me to view the entire picture in my own way and at my own pace. He patiently explained to me what went wrong and what his experience had been, as I asked the questions.

Mid-July arrived, and the kids were well into their summer vacation. Because Brian’s construction business was in full-swing, we were able to get away as a family for a short time only. We planned a camping trip at a beautiful, warm lake, four hours north of the city.

To take full advantage of the little time we had, I left a day early with the kids to set up our site. Danielle didn’t join us for this trip. At age sixteen, she decided she’d rather stay in town and pick up some shifts at her work.

It was a gorgeous hot sunny day as my two younger kids and I drove along the winding curves of the beautiful Fraser Canyon. Driving along, I marveled at the remarkable engineering feat this whole road represented, carving its way between cliffs and the roaring Fraser River.

The kids and I listened to soft rock music as we swerved through the canyon. They indulged in soft drinks and chips, while I enjoyed a refreshing cold apple juice. We chatted as we headed north, reminiscing about things we’d seen and done on previous trips.

Then when they dozed off, I thought about my marriage and all the good times Brian and I had enjoyed on past family vacations.
How had this awful thing happened in our marriage? Would I ever be able to get over it?
I was thankful to get away from home, away to enjoy the therapeutic effects of nature and all of her beauty.

Dustin, Tamara and I had no trouble setting up camp. We were the three easy-going, quiet ones in the family. We assembled our tent for the kids to sleep in and removed the seats from our mini-van, so Brian and I could make our bed in the back. We accomplished everything at a relaxed pace, without stress. Around the campfire that night, I read them stories as I had done so often in the past.

The next day I woke up to perfect weather: warm sunshine with a gentle breeze. I started my morning off with a refreshing swim in the lake, and then spent hours reading a good book while the kids entertained themselves. The two of them had always been buddies and never fought.

At around dinnertime I used the campsite’s pay phone to give Brian a ring. I was pleased to catch him already an hour into his journey. I looked forward to seeing him in a few hours.

The kids were also anxious for Brian to arrive. They always enjoyed his adventurous spirit and knowledge of the outdoors.