My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me (39 page)

A few months later, January 2002, we had an incredibly romantic trip to Canada’s Europe: Montréal, Québec.

In the midst of the Montréal winter, we took a carriage ride through the city. Equipped with authentic furs for blankets, we snuggled up together behind our enthusiastic French guide and her horses, as we viewed all the special sights of the city. We ate dinner in a famous restaurant situated in Montreal’s oldest building. The dinner we enjoyed that night was the most expensive dinner we had ever eaten, and I felt that it was worth every penny.

I had learned a lesson to allow Brian to spoil me whenever he felt so inclined. Never again would I be saying no to a date, in order to save money. Now I understood that he worked hard for his money and needed to be free to spend it in the way that he felt was best, and it seemed that often involved spending money on me. The Bible says “where your treasure (or wallet) is there your heart will be also.” I guess his heart was with me, because he sure was eager to spend his money on me.

Flying home from the trip, he wrote me this letter:

February 17, 2002

My Dearest Anne,

Traveling home tonight I thought that I would jot down a few words. I have wanted to express to you how much I love and cherish you, yet I have not done so in a way that is truly meaningful for you. Roughly two years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life. This has been the hardest time that we have faced. And throughout this time you have had the courage, grace, love and commitment to stay by my side. I am so totally grateful for that.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love almost everything about you. Even those things that I find annoying, I am beginning to appreciate. After all, I could never keep lists and details like you. I love all the thoughtful things that you do for not only me and our children, but for others as well.

You are an extremely smart person. One who’s not afraid of challenges, and is willing to better herself. You have not ever held back from trying something new or different and I find that very exciting and rewarding. I truly appreciate how much you have given to improve yourself and better understand not only you, but also me.

I know that these last two years have been painful, whenever you think about what happened, and I haven’t been very compassionate towards you, but I want you to know that I will be more sensitive in the future and try to put myself in your shoes more often.

Anne, you captured my heart twenty years ago and still have all my love and desire. Though I don’t always show you in ways you need or understand, you are the true love of my life and there is no one I would rather spend my life with.

You make me want to be home and it is difficult to work out of town. I look forward to the times we spend together not only talking, but also in the bedroom. We are each quite fortunate to be married to someone that we love. I don’t think we would be able to find solutions to our problems if it wasn’t for the fact that we are truly committed to each other.

Well, I hope this letter will help you to know how much I love you and appreciate you. I don’t take you for granted even though you might feel like I do at times. I want you to help me to love you more by teaching me how and by being patient when I screw up. I will be able to do it.

You are a great woman. I am proud to be your husband. After all who wouldn’t be if they were married to someone who was smart, beautiful, thoughtful, loving, compassionate, a terrific mother, a learner, a teacher, a sex goddess and a very good friend.

I love you.

Brian

He gave me the letter when we returned home from the airport. I read the letter over and over again. I read it again in the morning. Over the coming months I kept the letter close by and pulled it out and read it whenever those painful feelings of hurt, self-doubt and inadequacy showed their ugly faces to torment me again.

In June of 2003, three years after disclosure of the affair, Brian came to pick me up from work one day. “I’m taking you to pick up your new car,” he informed me. It was a complete surprise.

Setbacks from the affair had resulted in the fact that we had only one vehicle in the family for a three year period of time (with four drivers fighting for it)! I ended up taking the bus most of the time,

but now there, on the dealership lot, was a brand new shiny white sports car for me.

“Here.” Brian told me, “This is for all the crap I put you through, and thank you for never once complaining about having to ride the bus.” I gave him a great big giant hug and kiss. Again, he didn’t have to buy me a car. I had already forgiven him. But it was his eagerness to express his love for me in tangible ways that touched my heart so deeply.

I wish every person could know the joy of a passionate long-term marriage. Brian and I now live our lives together and face life’s challenges together. Some days are good, some days are bad and some days the world is a very unfriendly place, but no matter what my day has been like, at night I lie in bed beside the man I love.

He takes me in his arms and holds his body close to mine. I feel him breathing and I feel his heart beating. And as he holds me, it’s as if I feel something transferring from his body to mine, something spiritual and something comforting. It is therapy for my soul and it seems to be healing the wounds of the day. I wish for every married person, that they too can hold their best friend in their arms at night and feel this same special comfort, this healing from the big and small battles of each and every day.

Our children have all survived the affair, and this is a great reward. Following all our hard work to get our marriage back together, our children each came to us, individually, and said they really respected Brian and me for fighting for our marriage and not giving up. “Most of my friends’ parents are having the same kind of problems that you and dad have had, only their parents just give up, quit, get mad and get divorced. You and dad worked out your problems. I really respect you for that.” I was told, individually, in different words, from each of our children. Coming from the mouths of teenagers, I found this to be profound.

APRIL, 2 00 4

Danielle: I thank God that our family pulled through that horrific time

in our lives. People have asked me if I wish it never happened. Sure,

if we could still be where we are today. But we wouldn’t be the same family and people without it. Because we all faced the brutal reality, embraced the hurt, devastation and pain, we have earned the reward of renewed and greater honesty, forgiveness and trust.

Dealing with the pain has enabled me to move beyond bitterness, to true friendship and real love for my parents and family.

My parents are so much in love, so much happier, living and loving life like I have never seen them before. This makes me happy. It takes away the cold heart I was developing. I know true love is real and achievable, and I look forward to one day having with someone special of my own, the love my parents share for each other.

Currently I work full-time at a real estate law firm and have plans to continue my education, pursuing a degree in law, psychology or nursing. Challenges, to me, have become opportunities to learn, which I embrace, because part of everything I have today has been gained by facing past problems.

On weekends, I enjoy traveling, backpacking, and the outdoors, often with my boyfriend, who reminds me of my dad: fun, wild, crazy, adventurous and responsible like me. We go snowboarding, rock climbing, and research future travel possibilities together.

Things definitely go wrong sometimes, but what keeps me sane is my genius parents, especially my dad! I always sit down and talk with them. My parents really listen to me and give me awesome advice particularly about relationships. The older I get the smarter they seem! I love my parents and am grateful to them for all they’ve done for me.

I’m proud of my mother and father for sharing their story with the world. I hope it will help a lot of people. It’s a subject most people don’t want to talk about, but parents need to know that affairs hurt their children, too.

Dustin is eighteen and will be graduating from high school in a couple of months. During the past two years he has worked parttime with his father in construction. They have a great relationship,

too. When we asked him how he felt about the affair crisis that came upon our family he said, “I’m sure glad it’s over!”

He is an exceptional young man with a natural aptitude for physics and mathematics like his grandfather. He has played club football this past year, plays trombone for the school band and is a talented bass guitar player. He plans to join the Canadian military after graduation.

Tamara is an unusually highly-motivated, self-disciplined, goal-oriented young woman. Last year she received two outstanding student awards and scholarships from her high school, one for consistent high marks overall, and one for being the top student in her grade in science.

Two years after the affair, she was required to write about her family for a school project. This is what she wrote:

Brian-Dad. He and I have a really good relationship. It’s great spending time together. We always joke around and I enjoy his company. I trust him totally and know that I could talk to him about anything. He’s really smart so I know the advice he gives me is helpful even if I don’t quite agree. I love and respect him a lot.

Anne-Mom. My mom and I have a good relationship too. I enjoy how I know she loves me. She makes some decisions for me that I wouldn’t make myself, but when I look back, I see they were for the best. It’s a total trust relationship. She has accomplished many great things in her life and that’s what I admire.

Danielle-Sister. It’s not possible for my sister and me to be any closer. We’re like best friends and I always have a good time with her. Her experiences help her to know a lot about life. She encourages me to be the best I can be. I love her, look up to her and admire her strong will.

Dustin-Brother. My brother and I are friends. When we were little we always played Lego together. He’s a lot quieter than I am. He’s got a real sense of humor though. He makes everybody laugh at the most unexpected moments. I have a strong feeling he’s going to be successful. The way he thinks is great. He keeps everything short, simple and to the point. He’s a great guy and I want the best for him.

Considering what our family had been through, I cried when I read this for the first time. It’s a good thing I didn’t give up and quit, when it seemed like my life was over and all hope was lost.

I am now living the life I truly want to live. I have become a strong and emotionally healthy person. Hidden issues from my past have been exposed for what they are, cleaned up and dealt with.

Brian has regained my full trust. I trust him one hundred percent again, only the trust I have for him today is not blind or naïve. I understand that no one can know all of the future choices another individual will make. I believe our marriage will remain monogamous,
until death do us part.
At the same time, I am aware that an affair could happen. I base my trust today on Brian’s proven behavior, and on the incredible degree of openness and honesty we share.

I’m excited about life and excited about my future. I am living a purpose-driven life, together with my first love, my best friend and the father of my children. We are free to be ourselves and free to choose. We enjoy real, honest, open communication with our best friends: each other. And we have hope for our future based on reality, not on a Cinderella fantasy.

What is reality? Reality is that I am not a perfect wife, and Brian is not a perfect husband, and ours is not a perfect marriage, but in the midst of all that imperfection, our love for one another is very real.

Brian: Would I want to go back to our marriage before the affair? Not a chance! Would I have liked to have gotten to this point some other way? Absolutely! Would I recommend an affair to others so they can reach a greater love and a better marriage? Absolutely not!

If you have experienced an affair, is rebuilding the marriage worth it? You bet it is! As long as you love each other and are willing to do the work.

Not only can Anne say, “My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me.” I can honestly say, what has transpired as a result of it has become one of the best things to happen to me as well!

We have moved our lives forward to a place which five years ago, we never knew existed. Not that we have reached marriage “nirvana” or don’t have problems anymore. We do. But we are best friends. Without doubt, every bit of work and effort has been totally worth it.

Today, Anne and I share from our hearts openly and honestly with each other. We chose the right time to discuss sensitive issues, and are not fearful to share those thoughts that the other might have reacted negatively to in our pre-affair marriage.

We have learned to trust each other again, and have the deepest respect for what the other has to say. We recognize that we both love each other, so if any negative thoughts or feelings are shared, we understand it is for our benefit and not meant to hurt. All our conversation is for the purpose of building each other up and strengthening our marriage.

We are having fun together again, no longer allowing the pressures of life to spoil our marriage. That is to say, we don’t focus solely on the difficult situations life challenges us with, rather keeping in mind what is important, namely our relationship. I am “dating” Anne once more, and since our kids are no longer kids, we have the freedom to date often.