My Husband's Wives (26 page)

‘And I'd have given anything for just a chance.' Evie smiled sadly. ‘What a pair he managed to fall in love with.'

‘What a pair,' Grace repeated. ‘So, enough,' she said so quickly that Evie almost jumped. ‘You say you have nothing to go on for? What about Delilah? What about Annalise's boys? You're connected to them, connected to all of us, whether you want to be or not.' Her smile was rueful. ‘Delilah is desperate to have you in her life – you and Annalise's family.' She didn't add that she wasn't so sure how Annalise might feel about that. But at least Evie hadn't cast her out. ‘In the meantime, do you want some lunch?'

‘I can make something here; I just don't think I can face people… Is that very bad?'

‘Completely normal, I'd say. Do you want a hand?' Grace started to roll up her sleeves, had a feeling that lunch would be basic enough even for her culinary skills.

‘No, let me,' Evie said gently as she got up from her seat. ‘Delilah told me you're not much of a cook.' She laughed a gentle tinkling sound. Perhaps she had one up on her after all. It didn't bother Grace anymore.

The letters remained closed until after lunch. Grace had had enough of being a bully for one day, but if there were bills to be paid or notes needing attention, then she couldn't just ignore them.

‘Come on,' she said as she began to clear away their dishes. ‘You start opening that post and I'll wash up.' It was a fair exchange, and when Grace sat down again, Evie had a mountain of opened post on the table before her. The first thing Grace picked up was an appointment letter for the psychiatric clinic. ‘You've missed the appointment. Evie, you need to get to those.'

‘I… can't.'

‘You can't not, after what you've been through. You're lucky to be alive.' Grace leaned towards her. ‘We're lucky you're alive.'

‘I'm fine. I'm doing everything they told me to.'

‘You need to follow up with them; they need to see you regularly.'

‘Or what?' Evie stuck her chin out and Grace could imagine her as a truculent teenager, the same age as Delilah and every bit as infuriating. ‘Go on, at their very worst, what will they do? Drag me back in there?'

‘Christ, Evie, that is not the worst case scenario!' Grace let out a massive sigh. ‘Don't you get it? You tried to kill yourself. It's the ultimate step. The only reason you're home is because…'

‘It's because you organized Kasia to stay with me and we are all very relieved, aren't we? I mean the doctors and the nurses. They don't want me there, taking up another bed. So…' She leaned forward slightly, wiping a stray speck of dust from the table. ‘Anyway, what's the point in going? What are they going to do for me?'

‘I'm not sure that it's as simple as all that, Evie.' Grace closed her eyes for a moment. ‘You may not realize it, but you have lots of reasons to get better. You have people who care about you.' Grace held Evie's gaze for as long as they both could manage it. ‘You have to come out of this. Delilah needs you. Whether you believe that or not, she does, and so does Kasia, more than you need her. Have you thought about that? And then, there's a baby coming…'

‘I… I can't remember a time when I was actually needed.' Grace handed over a box of tissues that sat on the windowsill beside her. ‘Even Paul, I wanted to think he needed me, here, to steady him, but I knew…' Evie cried for a couple of minutes, and then pulled herself together. ‘I'll ring and make a new appointment; will you take me to it?'

‘Of course I will,' Grace said. Paul had finally left them both. But he had also been instrumental in creating a new bond.

Carlinville seemed smaller when she returned, as though it had shrunk in her absence. Kasia was staying with her now. No point telling them she didn't want it. She hadn't asked to be saved, and yet here she was. It was like being thrust back into an empty world and Evie felt deep down that no matter the kind words and concerned eyes, that void could not be filled. Evie knew they didn't really trust her not to do the same again.

‘Will we sit in the garden for a while?' Kasia's eyes were bright. ‘The fresh air will be good for me too.' So they'd brewed tea and brought a small tray outside, wearing two old sweaters from the coat stand. They sat there for hours, watching the long grass and plants sway gently in the evening breeze. There was something easy about the girl. She listened, and Evie felt there was no judgement there. She asked about Paul, about their lives together, and Evie found herself recounting her life story, the love story that was hers and Paul's, and the heartbreak over the family they never had.

‘It was love at first sight for both of us.' Evie smiled. ‘You don't hear of that happening any more, do you?'

‘He said that too; I think he was still surprised by it.'

‘We were married within six months. It was a small ceremony, just the two of us in a little church outside Rome.' Evie smiled as she thought back to that day. She could almost feel the scorching Italian sun on her face when they'd walked into the hot afternoon. ‘We were happy, right up until the end.' They'd spent many evenings in this exact spot, talking about the day's events, or just listening to the Irish Sea in the distance. ‘Maybe that was half the problem.' Evie's words were just loud enough to be heard.

‘What was the problem's half?' Kasia considered her, shading her eyes as they caught the sun coming from the west.

‘Well, I was quite content. But maybe he wasn't. Even when he told me about Grace, I persuaded myself that I could cope with it. As time went on, I convinced myself that we were quite happy, in our odd little arrangement. When in fact, even if I'd made myself be happy with it, Paul couldn't have been.'

‘Why do you say that?'

‘Well, he felt he needed more, didn't he? He needed you as well.' Evie said the words without anger. She no longer bore hard feelings towards Grace or Annalise or Kasia. Would she be better off if she did?

‘I really admire you.' Kasia was trying to make her feel better; it was nice that she cared.

‘You shouldn't. I'm no role model for any young girl. Quite the opposite, if anything.' Her tea was almost cold, but comforting at the same time.

‘Paul loved you. He never stopped loving you. No one could ever take your place. I admire how you handled all of it.' Kasia observed the sea below and took a deep breath, as though the air might refresh her from the inside out. ‘He never really left you anyway.'

‘He managed to convince me of that too. I believed I was graciously sharing him with the mothers of his children. I never actually believed Grace or Annalise were competition. Wasn't I a little naïve, though?'

‘That is not such a bad thing. Perhaps the world would be better if more people were…naïve, these days.'

‘Modern women. Well, you'd be out there fighting for your man. I believed him when he said he had to do his duty and stand by Grace Kennedy when she was pregnant. The blame and the hurt and all the other emotions I was feeling became lost in my own guilt for not being able to give him a family.' A small tear made its way down Evie's cheek.

‘It was not your fault that you couldn't have a family.'

‘I was too old for him. I should have faced up to that before I married him, or gone all out to have a family straight away. I just didn't think it would mean all that much, not when we had each other.' A sad smile stretched her quivering lips.

‘I don't think there's a right or wrong way. I think we just do what we can. If we do our best, then there's no room for guilt. You did more than your best.'

‘I'm not sure.' Evie shook her head again.

‘I am sure enough for both of us. He never let you go. It was the same with Grace. He was a man who kept his women. But I suspect that Annalise is… how do you say it, a pot of different fish?'

‘Yes, she's certainly that.' Evie smiled in spite of herself. ‘Do you honestly think I don't have anything to feel badly about?'

‘I think you are a good person, Evie. I think you have shown nothing but kindness and compassion. It's probably good to take a hard look at your life with Paul. Maybe he wasn't as perfect as you thought. I don't think you can see what I see.'

‘What's that?'

‘I see…' Kasia stumbled over the words for a moment, trying to pick the right ones. ‘I think, that Paul was very lucky, having three women, and especially in having you in his life. He was lucky to have kept you to the end.'

They sat in silence for a long time. What if the girl was right? It certainly settled her mind far more than it had been in a long time.

‘This would have been a beautiful home for a family.' Kasia smiled at Evie.

‘Yes. It seems ideal doesn't it?' Still, she didn't add that her own childhood had been lonely and isolated. ‘I would have loved a big family, lots of children to fill the house and the garden.'

‘I'm sure it would have been a happy home.'

‘Ah well.' Evie sighed. It was like a death, childlessness. ‘What about you? Would you like to have more, some day?'

‘If things were right, yes. In the meantime, I'm going to love this one; nothing is going to stop me loving this baby.' She shook her head. ‘I'm sorry, I didn't mean. Our circumstances are very different.'

‘I understand, dear.' And Evie did. ‘You will have your own challenges, just as I had mine.'

‘Evie, just being here is making it so much easier.'

It became easier for Evie too. The days seemed to stretch and run into each other and they built up a routine of sorts. Kasia prepared tea for both of them before she left for work. In the evenings, she returned home tired and hungry and so they sat on the veranda slowly eating whatever Evie had prepared for them. It was the best part of the day, Evie thought. It may have been that they hid from the world beyond, but it was easy and relaxed and before Evie knew it a week had passed, and then two. Maybe it didn't make up for Paul not being around, but they were settling into a contented way of life – something that was new to both of them.

*

It was on one of these ordinary afternoons, while Kasia was at work and Evie semi dozed on the veranda, that Annalise called through the kitchen. She was on her own and Evie felt a little disappointed; she was growing very fond of Dylan and Jerome – they really livened things up about the place. And, Evie recognized, they brought out a lovely side to Annalise. She all but forgot about all the emptiness when they were around. Today, she dragged Evie out of her chair, and hurdled ahead of her to the garage. Evie had never seen her so animated – at least not without the boys in tow. She pulled back the garage door and stood before the old MG.

‘Annalise, I had almost forgotten it was here, it's years since anyone…'

‘It could be a surprise for Kasia,' Annalise had enthused as they admired the car.

‘I'm not sure, I mean, I haven't driven in years.' Maybe it was the morning, or the sun shining, but something inside Evie began to bubble. She could almost smell adventure. ‘Okay, but…' she took the passenger seat.

‘But what? It still goes; I've tried it out already.' Annalise tossed her blonde hair with the assurance of one who took on the world every day, confident everything would work out.

‘But—' Evie was afraid she'd lost her nerve. ‘Well, it's been a while. I couldn't imagine bringing it out on my own, not yet at least. Maybe you'd like to drive it first?'

‘Of course, I'd love to.' Annalise adjusted the mirror, having dabbed beneath her eyes, fixing her mascara. ‘Do I still hear a “but” in your voice?' She was smiling. Convincing Evie had obviously been easier than she'd expected.

Evie never came in here, not unless she had to. Even then, she left the lights off. She never came near the car. How silly of her! Why not get it on the road? What was to stop her? She was a grown-up sensible woman. What harm could it do? A giddy sensation brimmed up inside her; could she really do this? Was it too late? She wanted to, every fibre of her wanted to get behind the wheel and drive along the coast road, roof down, wind in her hair – all her cares forgotten. She ran her hand across the walnut dash before her. It reminded her of Paul. Soon there would be a baby at Carlinville – they couldn't stay locked up in the house forever. ‘Could we get a baby seat in the back?'

‘I'm not sure.' Annalise considered the tiny seat behind them; it was really only fit to carry bags. ‘But my dad would tell us,' she said as they set off out onto the main road.

‘This feels even better than I remember.' Annalise was good for her, she made her feel a lot younger than she was – but then couldn't you be happy at any age?

‘Better roads?'

‘Maybe.' It was more than that. The sea air and the warm end of summer sun made Evie feel as though she could be forty years younger. That was what this old car represented. It was why she'd never sold it. ‘When Paul and I used this car, we weren't…'

‘Just using it in good weather?' Annalise winked across at her. Evie was beginning to like Annalise, much to her surprise. It was nearly, she thought one evening, as they laughed at some story from Annalise's modelling days, disappointing that she had turned out to be such fun. But of course she was. Why else would Paul have fallen for her?

‘Something like that. We were happy, Paul and I, when we took drives in this car.' Then Evie leant forward. ‘Let's take down the hood.'

Evie gazed out the window. Everything today seemed transformed; suddenly there was possibility all around. She would keep this a secret and when Kasia had the baby, she would collect them both from the hospital. What a wonderful plan.

*

Their first driving lesson was a success. Annalise called at eleven the following morning.