My Life Across the Table (8 page)

I met Sila Albin during a particularly hectic, but happy period of my life in New York. I was doing a lot of media at this time, making repeated appearances on ABC Talk Radio and as a frequent guest on The Morning Show with the wonderful Regis Philbin.

I was also heavily booked with readings, and though I normally set appointments with clients myself, during this very busy period, I hired a secretary.

Carla’s duties were to set up my appointments, return phone calls and confirm meetings for me. I was very grateful to have her taking care of these important parts of my day, as it allowed me more time to actually give readings.

She worked for me consistently for a couple of years and I liked her. She was pleasant on the phone, was nice to my clients, and considerate of their schedules and mine, when setting appointments. These are human traits that should be a normal part of life under any circumstances, but are often forgotten when people get busy. Carla knew they were important to me, and they came easily to her, so we got along just fine.

She liked working with me, and having the opportunity to meet people from every walk of life that came for readings.

For several months she had been dealing with a recurring medical issue that I felt needed to be taken care of, as soon as possible.

As we all know, our health needs to be tended to. Sometimes we can put off, or delay taking care of ourselves, but when our bodies demand attention, it doesn’t matter what else is going on, or how busy we are, health becomes the priority.

With every passing week, I became more concerned about Carla’s health than she was, and kept urging her to take some time off to get her health back. Since she would not willingly take care of herself, I had to force her to go to the doctor by taking away her alternatives, and leaving her with no other choice. Reluctantly, off to the doctor she was lovingly forced to go, along with several weeks of recuperative bed rest.

Carla’s expected departure forced me to dust off my old work related juggling skills. I welcomed the opportunity to once again set my daily schedule, organize meetings, confirm appointments, and then give the readings.

Watching me manage everything on that first day, must have been pretty comical, but by the time Sila called for an appointment, my juggling skills were in good form.

I liked Sila immediately. I knew when I heard her voice that I would be happy to have this warm, loving woman in my home, and when I actually met her in person, I was glad she was there. She carried the same warm energy in person that she had conveyed on the phone

Her appointment was set for late in the day. When I opened the door, I found a full sized, gray haired, makeup free, sparkly-eyed woman in her late fifties. She embodied a little bit of the earth mother quality, wearing her confidence as a woman, like a comfortable pair of shoes.

She was a rare and beautiful creature, because Sila was a truly happy, deeply fulfilled woman. She was married for over thirty years, to a man she not only still loved, but also liked as a human being. They had built a wonderful life together.

They had raised a loving son and daughter, now grown with identities of their own, and were long time members of the large family of heroes within the fire department. They were salt-of-the-earth people that had succeeded in life, especially when it came to the things that truly matter.

I went into her reading covering all of the pertinent areas of her life, the recent marriage of one of her children, extended family concerns, financial matters, and finally the big issue, her husbands’ retirement from the fire department after over thirty years. This was a major transition point for both of them, and they were looking forward to making some big plans.

I began this part of her reading, by addressing the underlying emotional issues impacting both of them. The joy, the anticipation, and the unspoken fears they both carried.

Their entire lives had revolved around her husbands’ life as a firefighter. For over thirty years, her flexibility with the craziness of his work schedule, accompanied by the high physical and emotional demands of the job, were all they had ever known.

This was the beginning of a new life, and they were sorting through plans for their future. I repeated an ongoing conversation I heard in the reading, it was between Sila and her husband, about selling their home and moving to Florida. I told her I saw no real substance, or commitment, to either selling or moving, and didn’t see either of those things becoming a reality, any time in the near future.

She was more surprised that I highlighted their exact concerns about the house, and Florida, quoting their conversation verbatim, than the fact that they weren’t moving.

She jokingly told me they had that exact conversation often, but couldn’t recall my having ever been in their dining room, on any of the occasions they had discussed it.

I laughed and said, “Well, I don’t remember being in your dining room either, but I do know you will eventually sell your home and move, but you won’t do either for quite a while, and I never see you living in Florida.”

As I moved forward in her reading my feelings shifted, there was real substance connected to the next issue about a trip. I saw a big trip unfolding, one they had been tentatively planning for a very long time.

It looked like a conversation that had been going on between them for years, and had always been set for some vague date in the future, when her husband retired. It was his dream vacation, a lifelong dream, and in the reading it looked like Italy.

No longer surprised, Sila confirmed that yes indeed, they had often daydreamed about her husbands’ desire to take a long, romantic trip to Italy. One they could take without restrictions of time or money, just the two of them.

As his retirement loomed, Italy became a daily topic, and the centerpiece of their initial plans. I told her they were definitely going, because I saw them there for an entire month, and it felt like the upcoming July.

Once again my feelings were correct, and I urged her to act immediately. To please, go home and make definitive plans for the entire month of July.

This was a very difficult topic for me to talk about as I felt a great urgency surrounding this trip, yet I couldn’t tell her why. I had the strongest desire to hand her the phone, and tell her to make the reservations right now, not to put it off for one more moment, they had waited long enough.

She casually talked about them needing to take care of things around the house, before they committed to this trip.

Without alarming her, I told her those things would still be there when they returned. Everything could be taken care of when they got back.

I knew that Italy couldn’t wait, and pointed out how hard they had worked to get to this place in their lives, to finally have the freedom to fulfill her husband’s dream.

As though she was thinking out loud, she responded to my prodding, “I know you’re right, Karen. This has been going on for such a long time, it used to be just an occasional conversation, but now he talks about going to Italy every day.”

She became wistful as she continued, “We have been so lucky, and our life has been so full. It’s funny, you know, I don’t think we ever really believed this day would come. This trip you’re talking about has been Jerry’s fantasy, since the day we got married, but actually going has always seemed so far away. You’re right. We should stop putting it off, and just go.”

I wasn’t really relieved, because I knew I couldn’t change what I saw, but I was grateful that she had at least, sort of, agreed to go, “Yes, you should, because that time is no longer far away, it’s now, and Sila, please, I want you to promise me that you will make the reservations for the entire month of July. This is your once-in-a-lifetime trip, so please, promise me that you will take a thousand pictures, do everything you and Jerry have talked about for thirty years, and let yourselves enjoy every minute of just being there together.”

I finished her reading, walked her to the door and gave her a big hug. I took a step back, feeling the need to remind her one last time, “Promise me you’ll go in July and not put it off. Will you let me know?”

A soft smile played around her mouth, but her eyes still held uncertainty, and without an ounce of conviction told me, “I promise, and yes, I’ll let you know what happens.”

A rush of sadness filled my heart as I closed the door. Now all I could do was hope she didn’t put the practical need for new siding, above her husband’s dream trip to Italy.

Sila’s reading crossed my mind several times in the ensuing days. My schedule was filled with a whirlwind of readings, radio shows, and an occasional business dinner.

One afternoon the phone rang between readings, with Sila’s usually warm voice on the other end, now sounding very worried. “Karen? It’s Sila, I’m sorry to bother you, but I am very confused.”

I didn’t like how she sounded, “No problem Sila, what’s the matter, you sound upset?”
She was so upset that it came out in a rush, “Well, umm, you know I’ve been on this kind of spiritual thing lately, remember we talked about it in my reading? Well, yesterday I went to an astrologer, and I don’t know if you remember us talking about the trip to Italy, but she told me not to take the trip in July. She told me to wait and make the reservations, so we would leave on September ninth! I am so confused, because you were so sure. Now I don’t know what to do!”
My heart filled with a terrible, yet familiar sadness. I had to make sure she understood my urgency, without just blurting it out, “Sila, I don’t know why the astrologer told you to wait until September ninth, but how do I say this to you?”
Emphasizing every word, “Sila, I am begging you not to wait. I am begging you to make the reservations and leave the first of July, and stay the entire month. I am begging you to take a thousand pictures on this trip, and commit every moment to memory. I am begging you not to wait. Do you hear me?”
Now she heard me, the fear in her voice evident, “I hear you Karen, but what will happen if we wait until September ninth to leave? Why are you so adamant about July?”
The sadness inside me swelled as I spoke, “Because if you don’t go in July, you will never make this trip.”
Panic filled her voice, “What do you mean we’ll never take this trip? I thought you said we were definitely going? That you saw us there?”
I took a deep breath, “If you wait to go in September, you will never take this trip. I saw you and Jerry in Italy in July, not September. I begged you to make the reservations for July. If you wait until September ninth to leave, Jerry will never make this trip, Sila. He won’t be here.”
She was beside herself, now edging toward hysteria, and trying to make sense of what I had just said, “What are you saying? What do you mean he won’t be here? Where is he going?”
I wanted to put my arms around her and just cry, but I couldn’t. There was no easy way to tell this lovely woman that she was going to be widowed in September.
She had left me no other choice, “Sila, if you don’t make this trip in July, Jerry will not be here to take it. He will not be alive to make the trip on September ninth. Now, do you understand why I was so adamant about July? Why I never saw you moving to Florida? Why the repairs on the house can wait?”
Hysteria crept into her voice, “Now what am I supposed to do? Are you sure?”
I could feel her fear, “I am more than sure. I knew it when you were here for your reading, but you were not supposed to be told. The astrologer has left me no choice, so I am asking you again, Please, take the trip in July with Jerry, and stay for the entire month, do everything he wants to do, go everywhere he wants to go, and as I asked you before, Please, take a thousand pictures, committing every moment of this trip to memory. If you don’t take this trip in July, you will never take this trip that your husband has dreamt of for over thirty years. Take the trip in July, and call me when you come home. If Jerry is still alive on the afternoon of September tenth, Sila, Please come after me. I want you to enjoy every moment with him, and call me on the tenth of September. I am deeply sorry about your loss, believe me, more than you could ever know. Please, go on the trip in July.”
She was very upset, but I knew she finally understood my urgency surrounding the trip, “Why didn’t you tell me during my reading? How could you not tell me? Maybe I can change it.”
Knowing she couldn’t understand my position, I tried to help her, “I didn’t tell you because you weren’t supposed to know, and it is not my decision. This is in God’s hands. If you were supposed to know, I would have told you, but it isn’t my choice to tell you or not, Sila. I’m not God, and these are God’s rules, not mine, and even if you had been told then, or now that you do know, you can’t change this, or stop it. I know you don’t understand any of this right now, but I promise you, someday you will. You can be upset with me now, and believe me, I understand. Look, I know how much you love each other, and know that even after what I have told you, I keep pushing you to take this trip. I hope you will just do it, because it is very important to Jerry, and though I know it doesn’t seem terribly important at this moment, I promise, it will become one of the most important decisions you will ever make.”
She was very quiet, and in the softest voice, “I don’t understand any of this Karen, but I will definitely let you know.”
As the weeks went by, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sila’s call. I couldn’t shake the sadness over her impending loss, and when July first arrived, I found myself saying a silent prayer, hoping they were holding hands on a plane, headed for a month in Italy.
The month was crammed with readings, and a quick trip to Los Angeles. Sila and Jerry became the background music in my mind, always followed by a silent prayer. Before I realized it, August had arrived and about ten days into the month, Sila called to give me an update.
She told me she couldn’t get my words out of her mind, and they had spent the entire month of July in Italy. They had returned about a week earlier and she thanked me for insisting they go, as it turned out to be everything, and more, than Jerry had ever dreamt it would be. They had the most wonderful, memorable time of their lives, and without me even asking, she assured me they had taken at least a thousand pictures.
I felt a profound mixture of sadness and joy as Sila recounted, in great detail, their once-in-a-lifetime trip. For very different reasons, I knew it would be a truly life changing experience, for both of them. Though they had always shared a deep and abiding love, they had grown even closer during their shared adventure. They got to know each other, and fall in love all over again.
As she wound down telling me how perfect their trip was, she thanked me for pushing her to fulfill Jerry’s dream, and finally that she hoped I was wrong about the other thing.
I told her that I hoped I was wrong too, asking her to please stay in touch with me. She assured me she would. I knew there was nothing I could do to help Sila, nor could I extend the clock, ticking on her remaining days with her beloved husband.
I walked into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee. Taking a seat by the window, I stared out at life in New York, teeming on the streets below.
Though I am but a small part of most people’s lives, when the sudden loss of a loved one shows up in a person’s reading, the issue is painful, and the most difficult news for everyone touched by the experience, including me.
With Sila it was no exception, I could see how deeply they loved each other, how hard they had worked to build the lovely life they shared, and how all of it had been to get to, what they perceived as an easier place in life.
Jerry’s retirement was supposed to afford them the time to finally enjoy, all they had sacrificed for over thirty years. Their unspoken goals were so clear to me, to recapture years of missed laughter, shared pleasures, and finally slow the pace of their lives. They had been trying to make plans, and dream new dreams, for this long awaited chapter in their lives.
In Sila’s reading, though I knew their anticipated joy would be short lived, I couldn’t tell her. It is never my choice, and when the sudden loss of her beloved husband appeared, it was made clear when the information was coming to me that I was not to tell her.
It was part of her life’s journey, and I am never allowed to interfere with God’s plans.
Because I deeply understand the impact of loss on our lives, I would never choose to withhold that information, if I had the choice.
The reasons for not telling each person varies, but the easiest explanation is that by them knowing, it will interfere with the lessons God has planned for their life.
Though I know it is difficult to understand that you go to a psychic and expect us to just pour everything out in an orderly fashion, but life, and the lessons we all experience, are seldom delivered in a straight line.
I have read for people all over the world, and have found that every person’s life is different, and every emotional experience in his or her lives is interpreted through the filter of their past.
One of the shared lessons of all human beings is learning to integrate each and every emotional experience, love, loss, expectation, joy, disappointment, and the most constant one of change, into our everyday lives.
They are lessons common to us all, though we experience each one of them, in a profoundly personal way. The emotional pieces of our lives, and the lessons we learn from them, are what lead us to, and through, the plans God has laid out for our lives.
There have been readings throughout the years, when it has been made clear to me that a client’s loss was to be part of their reading. This usually occurs when there is unfinished emotional business, between my client, and the person that is leaving.
Though I have been the messenger of loss on many occasions, it is never easy either way. The purpose of telling someone of an upcoming loss is to offer them the opportunity to heal their heart, and to consciously resolve, whatever issues they have been holding onto, regarding the person that is leaving.
For Sila, she and Jerry had always taken care of everyone in their families, immediate and extended, yet had given very little to themselves, of time or money. These were not frivolous people, they were planners. In their lives, their dreams would always come true later, and there would always be time for them, tomorrow.
Without having spiritual permission to tell her Jerry was leaving, I tried to get her to willingly, and lovingly make the commitment for the trip. I tried to encourage her to do something generous, and important, for her husband, for her marriage, and for her memories.
The astrologer’s actions, unfortunately took away Sila’s freedom, of experiencing this lesson without foreknowledge. I was forced to explain my urgency and persistence in her reading, taking away her opportunity to experience this life lesson, according to God’s plan.
The lesson for Sila was clear, there was no more time. Later was here. If she didn’t actively make the plans to turn Jerry’s thirty-year-old dream into reality, she would live with guilt and regret, for the rest of her life.
I thought about Sila many times over the next few weeks, and on the eighth of September, I thought of her more often throughout the days. I began dreading the call that I knew was destined to come on the tenth. The day came and went, as did many more days in September, without receiving the expected call. By the third week in September, I allowed myself to feel that maybe I had been wrong, and when it came to this particular reading, all I could think was, “Wouldn’t that be wonderful.” I prayed that I was wrong on this one.
Each passing day without a phone call made it okay for my spirits to pick up a little, allowing the sense of sadness that had filled my heart, to lift. Being wrong in this case would have brought me great joy.
I returned to California on September twenty fifth, planning a couple of weeks to spend time with my family, and friends, and to see my clients in Los Angeles. As the last days of September ticked by, I still hadn’t heard from Sila. I had my fingers crossed, and took this as a good sign, but I should know better than to ever second-guess, what I know in my soul to be true.
The call came on my third day in Los Angeles, late in the afternoon. When I heard Sila’s clear, strong voice on the other end of the line, I knew when she said, “Karen?” what this call entailed, before she uttered another word. I had lived with the expectation of this call for several months, so any preliminary conversation at this point, seemed pretty ridiculous. It took everything for me not to burst into tears. I had foolishly allowed myself to hope that this call would never come, “Oh Sila, I am so sorry. How are you?”
The steadiness of her voice told me she had anticipated this conversation for a long time, too “You know, Karen, I want to thank you again, for pushing me. For making me realize how precious the time I had with Jerry was.” She took a deep breath, hesitating before going on, “I can still hear your words. Do you remember when you told me he wouldn’t be here on the ninth of September, to go on our trip? Well, about seven thirty in the morning of September ninth, Jerry came down to the kitchen to get some orange juice and coffee. All I heard was a loud “thud.” I called 911 before I even went into to see what happened, because in my heart, I already knew.”
Her tears were falling softly, now, making her push to get the words out “He had been fine. You know, he was in perfect health, Karen, but the doctor said he was gone before he hit the floor. I am so thankful he didn’t have any pain, and of course our trip. He couldn’t talk about anything else since we got back.”
Now I was crying, too “I am so sorry, honey, how are you doing? I was so praying I was wrong, and when I didn’t hear from you on the tenth, I thought maybe I was wrong, and Jerry was fine.”
The strength had returned to her voice, “I thought about you every day, but I couldn’t call you right away. I needed a little time to work through everything, but I’m doing much better now. I have good days and bad days, and I don’t know why, but there is a part of me that wishes I hadn’t known Jerry was going to die. I want you to know that, now after everything, in my heart, I understand why you weren’t supposed to tell me, and I’m sorry for making you do it. I just wanted to thank you for being honest with me, even though I wish I hadn’t known.”
I still think about Sila. Her reading, and her experience, taught me so much about the true value of time spent with the people you love, and how truly priceless a few small moments can be.
I received the gift of understanding priorities, and that nothing in life can replace love, or time, and that we have the potential to learn our greatest lessons, during our deepest moments of despair.
When I think about Sila, my heart is a peaceful place now. I think of all that they shared, and how truly blessed they were to have each other, for over thirty years. I know that Jerry visits Sila often, and that now she knows for certain, he never really left.