My Only (16 page)

“What are you thinking?” Olivia whispered. I shook my head and didn’t look at her. “Dark thoughts,” she said, answering her own question. “I’m sorry no one talks about her.”

I didn’t know how to feel. After stacking the pictures on my knee, I stood up and returned them to the desk drawer. Part of me wanted to go back and sit next to her, but another part wanted some distance. I went over to the window and raised the slats of the blinds, then looked down when I heard the car door close.

Aaron and Dad were home. Letting out a long breath, I turned to face Olivia again. I wished I knew what she was thinking.

We stayed like that for a long moment until I heard the front door close. She stood. “I’m going to go home. Grandma wants me to help her make dinner. She’s stil getting used to the whole ‘vegan thing’.” She walked to the door and opened it. “Have a good day, Adam,” she said.

“What about your CDs?” I took a step toward my laptop, and stopped when she walked back to me to claim them. Thanks to her importing them into iTunes, I had access to al of her favorite songs. She pointed to my drums. “Next time you can show me how to play those.” I nodded, but it was so subtle that I wondered if she even noticed. “Okay.”

“I watched your game last night. And the one last week.” My heart sped up. “I’ve watched some YouTube videos of col ege drumlines. You guys are real y awesome for being in high school.”

I didn’t know if she expected us to suck or if it was just an honest compliment. “We practice a lot.” She turned to leave, so I added, “We win a lot of competitions.”

“There are drumline competitions?”

“The Super Regional in St. Louis is next weekend. We’l travel al day to get there, compete, and then come home. Then there’s one in Indianapolis in early November. Then we’re always in the Magnificent Mile Lights Festival in Chicago. It’s always right before Thanksgiving. It’s like the Macy’s parade, only in Chicago.”

“That’s awesome! Maybe I can go to one.”

I nodded, wishing she could come to al of them, but hoping she would make it to at least one.

“Bye, Ad,” she said, giving me a little wave before leaving.

I returned to the window and peeked out. After a minute and a half, I grew curious as to why she hadn’t emerged from the house yet. When I got to the top of the stairs, I realized that I should’ve walked her out. I could hear her laugh at something my brother said. He had waylaid her and was now working his irresistible charm on her.

I hated that every good feeling I had about Olivia was always spoiled by the negative feelings when Aaron got involved. I should’ve gone down there and interrupted their conversation, steering her back to me, but I didn’t. I sat down at my desk, turned off the music, and went on the Internet.

If I al owed myself, I would wal ow in my missed opportunities and failures for the rest of the day. I’d never be as suave as Aaron. My only hope was that Olivia found my awkward geekiness as endearing as Aaron’s charm.

I hadn’t real y gotten into anything online when Aaron knocked on my door. He didn’t wait to enter. He never did. He quickly walked to my bed and then flopped down.

“Good time shopping?” I asked, the lack of interest apparent in my tone.

“God, she’s awesome, isn’t she?”

“Who?”

“Duh, dude. Olivia freakin’ Cartwright. When she laughs, her whole face lights up.” I thought her face was bright even when she wasn’t laughing, but I stayed silent.

“Did you ask her to Homecoming yet?”

My stomach clenched. I turned to Aaron. He was lying on his back, head pil owed on his bent arms, staring at the ceiling. He took a deep breath and then rol ed onto his side. His eyes fixed on mine and he cocked an eyebrow. He was waiting for an answer.

“No.”

“Are you going to?”

I looked down and mumbled, “I don’t know.”

He let the silence bil ow for a moment before saying, “If I can find enough nerve, I’m going to ask her, then.” A fiery hot pit opened inside me. It wasn’t anger. It was depression. I knew that I’d waited too long and now Aaron wasn’t going to stand back.

But what he’d said intrigued me. “Nerve? What are you talking about? You’re never nervous around girls.” He laughed. “Yeah, but she’s different, isn’t she? She’s got these eyes that make it seem like she sees right through you, you know? Like into the heart of things. It’s weird, but yeah, I feel extremely nervous.”

I turned my eyes back to the computer screen, but I didn’t real y see it. “Does she like you?” I asked. I knew it gave too much away.

“I don’t know. She’s hard to read. I mean, she laughs at my jokes and does the same thing al girls do when I say something nice about her. She blushes, pushes one hip out, and looks down. So I think that’s a good thing, but damn, I can’t real y tel .” Aaron was complimenting her and al I’d done was shown her how to study for a stupid test. I should’ve been dropping “you’re so pretty” lines like he no doubt had been.

But she
did
let me touch her. I pushed back her hair. I wondered if he’d gotten that far and if it meant anything at al or if I was reaching.

My brother sat up and ran a hand down his face. “I’m going to ask her.” He paused, threw his legs over the side and then said, “As soon as I can find some courage.”

He left and al I could think about was how I wished I could’ve found solace and enjoyment that final y Aaron wasn’t cockily assured that a girl would want to go out with him. But he was trying to go out with Olivia. The girl
I
liked.

For the rest of the night, I tried to work up the nerve to ask her before he did. I didn’t care if Aaron got his feelings hurt. I honestly thought I had a chance with Olivia. I just had to ask her first.

Of course, when I saw her at the mal on Sunday, I didn’t ask her. We ate dinner together, as usual, and talked about the usual things. She laughed and so did I. Then she drove me home after our shifts. The mal closed at seven on Sundays, so there was a lot of time left in the evening.

Wanting to invite her over, I turned back to speak to her. The fal en leaves crunched under my feet. She was already up the steps to her house. I was stil in the street.

I could’ve stood there forever. She wasn’t looking at me, but the porch light accentuated al of the honey highlights in her hair. Her work uniform—

unflattering on almost anyone else—showed off what I thought was a perfect body. She was thin, but not skinny. She had hips, but they weren’t too big. The gentle curves seemed right for her. They were subtle, just like I thought she was.

My plan to either stare at her until she was inside the house or cal her name to get her to turn around was interrupted by the headlights of an approaching car. Most people drove respectful y on this stretch of the road, but this person wasn’t. The horn blared and I jumped backward. Just as I saw her shining hair swing around as she turned to look, I spun around and started walking to my door.

I felt stupid. I had nearly gotten run over because I had been drooling over the girl across the street. She was completely drool-worthy, but my energy would have been better spent asking her to the dance. I spent the rest of the night convincing myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. She left for school earlier than we did, so I could easily meet her at her car and ask her.

In the morning, things didn’t go as I’d planned. Instead of meeting Olivia at her car, I watched through my living room window as she drove away.

Even if I’d had the courage to go over there, because of Aaron’s insomnia, he slept through his alarm and we left late.

First period, lunch, and the rest of the day came and went. No matter how much I’d pumped myself up about asking her, it didn’t happen.

“What’s wrong with you?” Casey asked as he stood on his toes and flicked my ear with his finger. “You look lost.” I twirled my drumstick between my fingers. I felt lost. We were on the sidelines. I could see Aaron running downfield, bal in hand as other players chased him. Once again, I found myself wishing I had some of his attributes. I could’ve honestly used some of his way with words, and his confidence. Even with his admitted nervousness when it came to Olivia, if he wasn’t waiting around for me to sink or swim, he’d have succeeded by now.

I felt deflated.

“Hel o? Earth to Adam. Come in, Adam.”

I blinked then looked at my friend.

“You’re stil tripping because of Olivia, aren’t you?”

I sighed.

“Just ask her already.”

I turned back to the field as I squatted down to pul on my drums. “It’s not that easy.”

“Want me to do it?”

I rol ed my eyes and stood up straight. I adjusted the weight of the drums and then rol ed my shoulders back. “That would be very sixth grade, Case.”

“But it could work.”

Shaking my head, I replied, “How about I pass her a note that says: ‘I like you. Do you want to go to the dance? Check the box—Yes or No.’ ” Casey punched me lightly on the shoulder. “I got Josie Al en to go out with me like that.” I tilted my head and leveled a look at him. “In the fourth grade.”

Casey shrugged, threw me a smirk and then parted to join the other brass players.

Instead of asking her, I avoided her. It was ridiculous, but it was what I did. Final y, on Friday afternoon she stopped me in the hal before I could duck into the bathroom.

“Good luck this weekend.”

I raised an eyebrow. “This weekend?”

“You know, the competition thing?”

“Yeah. I think it’l be good.” I sounded so idiotic.

“So we haven’t done much lately. Do you want to go to the bookstore on Sunday? You can give me a recap of the competition, and then show me the big-ass trophy you got for coming in first.”

Musicians didn’t actual y get trophies like they did in sports, but I didn’t want to ruin her enthusiasm. “Absolutely.” I stood there staring at her until she blushed a little and nodded toward the locker rooms. “Wel , I’l let you go. I know you have to practice.”

“Sure,” I said. Tonight’s footbal game was in the next town over, so the band wasn’t playing. But it would be a long night of dril ing in order to compete tomorrow.

“I’l see you,” she said as she walked away.

The entire night I drummed my new mantra into my head.
I’m going to ask her out. I’m going to ask her out. I’m going to ask her out.

The early morning bus ride the next day was ful of distraction, most of which I enjoyed. Chris Jones’s snoring was one distraction I did not enjoy, but the rest of the trip was fil ed with good conversation about anime, gaming, and newly released fantasy novels.

At the actual competition, I zoned out. I repeated my mantra over and over again to the rhythm of my sticks beating against my drums.

The bus pul ed out of the parking lot an hour after we learned that we didn’t win. We came close. Second place isn’t anything to scoff at, but al of us were a bit disappointed. The ride home was much more subdued. Everyone was sleeping, or attempting to sleep, but my mind kept me up. The mantra was playing ful force in my mind. Right before I stepped off the bus where Aaron was waiting to give me a ride home, I imagined myself in the bookstore with her tomorrow. I imagined myself finding the perfect time. I pictured myself asking her. I could see her face light up. I could hear her say yes.

By the time I went to bed early in the morning, I knew I was going to do it.

I was going to ask her to the Homecoming dance.

I woke up late Sunday morning with the jitters. They weren’t helped by Olivia’s text, asking me if I was going to be ready soon. We hadn’t set a time to go. It was nearly eleven. I texted back and told her we’d gotten in very late last night, and that I’d be ready to go by twelve thirty.

The car ride was tense and quiet, like we had nothing to say. There was no finding the right time to ask when nothing was being said.

It wasn’t until we were inside that either of us spoke. The stupid cat hissed at me. I narrowed my eyes at him in a pseudo-declaration of war.

Olivia laughed. “Buddha probably doesn’t like you because you work for Barnes & Noble, the sworn enemy of independent bookshops.”

“Buddha?” I asked, playing dumb. “Oh, you mean
Beast
.” I was thril ed when she laughed again. “I might work for the enemy, but I’m pretty sure the money I spend in this store keeps him in the Meow Mix.”

And just like that, the tension was broken.

We wound our way through the mazelike paths, briefly stopping at the European history section. Then made it to the stairs and then once again she thumbed through the Metaphysical books.

“Do they hold the answers?” I asked.

She looked up and I nodded toward the books in her hands and lap. The edges of her lips were just slightly upturned. “Maybe,” she answered.

“Probably more than the books that live in that section over there.” She pointed down the narrow aisle to the Religion section.

“Are you anti-religion?”

“No,” she said with a shake of her head. “I just don’t like the politics of it al .”

“But metaphysical philosophy is apolitical?”

“Yeah,” she said as she turned back to the opened book. “Pretty much. I mean, it takes al kinds. You don’t get any weird political y driven messages when you read a book about alien abduction. Some of those ‘go toward the light’ books can get a bit preachy, but most of them don’t even mention right and wrong or being judged for who you are or were. There’s just the afterlife. No eternal damnation or paradise.” I sat there quietly for a moment, trying to make it al add up. I failed. “Wait. You’re vegan though, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“So don’t you believe it’s wrong to eat animals and right to eat a plant-based diet? It seems like you’re in favor of people not being judged by their actions, but isn’t just being vegan a bit of a judgment about other people?” Olivia sighed. “We’ve had this discussion, remember? Just because I’m vegan, doesn’t mean you have to be. Just because people eat the flesh of animals doesn’t make them bad people, undeserving of a nice afterlife experience. I wish everyone was vegan, but they’re not.” She sat up straight and put her nose into the air. “Besides, how could I feel better than everyone if they were just as enlightened as me?” The way she said it was funny. I chuckled and then leaned toward her, nudging her shoulder with my arm.