My Only (22 page)

“I know. See? I’m being an idiot.”

“Oh, stop it,” I said, keeping my voice light as I nudged her shoulder with mine. “So you and Aaron didn’t work out. It’s not like it’s a death sentence.”

Olivia studied me with a strange expression on her face. “I know,” she said after a moment. “I just . . .” She blew out a long breath and mumbled something, but I couldn’t make it al out. It sounded like she said, “I took a chance on the wrong twin,” but perhaps that was just my mind projecting.

Her shoulders dropped and final y she seemed a little better.

“You’re way too good for him anyway.” At my words, she shook her head. “You can’t tel me you honestly thought he was worthy of you.”

“I did for a second.” She took a deep breath and stood up. She walked over to the window. Olivia was already a thin girl, but it looked like she’d lost weight in the few short days since Valentine’s. I wondered when she’d return to the radiantly beautiful girl I knew. I worried what Aaron might have said to her. He could be incredibly cruel when he wanted to be.

“I never thought he was good enough for you. You’re such a beautiful soul,” I said, not knowing why I chose that terminology. “And he was bound to take you for granted. I hope you know that none of this was your fault. He has a way of going through girls like—”

“Wait,” she said. “Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

Instantly, I regretted what I’d said. I got up, nervously ran my hand down my face and then said, “Yes. I’m sorry. I’m not good at this. I just—”

“You’re a good friend.”

Was she kidding? “Liv, I haven’t talked to you in months, how is that being a good friend?” Olivia took a step closer to me. “I know why we stopped talking. It made me sad, but I understood.”

“I wish you weren’t sad.”

She shrugged and turned back to the window. An annoyed sound came from her, so I took a step closer. Aaron was in my room, looking at her.

Olivia closed the curtains and faced me again. “I wish I wasn’t sad either, but in my heart I know that in order to real y know happiness, I have to experience sadness. I’l be fine.”

Olivia always stumped me. What she said made sense, but I probably would’ve wal owed in depression for a lot longer.

We stood there—just looking at each other. It was the most intimate interaction we’d had since she’d started dating my brother. To be honest, it was probably the most intimate interaction I’d ever had with anyone, and al we were doing was staring at each other.

“I know it sounds stupid, but I mean, I thought he loved me.”

“Who did he cheat with?”

“Maya Conway,” she replied. Her voice didn’t hold the edge of hate that I would have expected.
I
hated this, so how could her voice be so neutral?

“You’re not stupid.
He’s
an idiot. Like a total fool. I’m sorry he treated you like you didn’t matter, because you do.” I glanced down at my feet and then back up to her. “I’m sorry,” I said again.

“I know you look like him and al , but I’d rather hear him say it.” Olivia paused. “I know he won’t, though.” I stayed in Olivia’s room for another hour. We barely spoke but we just hung out quietly. When I returned home, Aaron glared at me from the moment I entered the house, al the way to the kitchen, up the stairs, and didn’t stop until I shut the door in his face. It could have been worse. I was sure he hated that I’d been at his now ex-girlfriend’s house, but I didn’t care. If I hadn’t shut the door when I did, I thought I might’ve hit him.

I avoided him at al costs for the rest of the day. It wasn’t until I overheard him on the phone Sunday afternoon that I couldn’t let it go any longer.

He was talking about how, when they were messing around, she wouldn’t take her shirt off, and that’s why he cheated. As soon as he hung up, I was in his face—a move that was very much outside of the norm for me.

“Why are you being such an ass about this?”

Aaron’s face was steel as he leaned back and turned his head. “Mind your own business, Adam.”

“
My own business
?” I said, my voice a higher pitch than usual. “You
knew
I liked her, but you dated her anyway. You probably had
sex
with her, and now you’re saying it’s
her
fault you screwed around on her!”

“That’s not—”

From somewhere deep inside, the rage I’d felt for my twin brother came bubbling out. But it wasn’t just from his most recent bout of immature and cruel behavior. This was something deeper, stemming from every moment of my life when I was compared to him—either by others or by myself. This was something much stronger. Something I couldn’t stop.

I grabbed a hold of his shirt. His shocked expression both amused and frightened me. What I was doing wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. And yet, it was satisfying.

“You’re such a bad person, Aaron. For al the girls you—”

Not surprisingly, my brother didn’t let me have the upper hand for long. He grabbed the col ar of my shirt and suddenly we were in a shoving match. I ended up with my back to the living room wal . My knee was throbbing because I’d hit it on the end table. The lamp was on the floor and the telephone was off the hook.

“You know shit about it!” Aaron yel ed.

I pushed him back, breaking his hold on my shirt. Seizing the opportunity, I moved away from the wal and stalked toward him. He took a step back, looking behind him to see what he might trip over. “I don’t have to know the details to understand you cheated on her.” When I was close enough, I pushed against his chest, sending him backward. He bumped into the bookshelf, knocking pictures off and onto the floor.

I stood stil , fisted hands at my sides. The shock of me standing up to him had worn off, and now he was just pissed. “Wel maybe if you’d had the bal s to actual y ask her out, none of this would have happened!”

“Shut—” That’s when his fist connected with the side of my head. I fel to the floor, stunned for a second. Had my brother actual y punched me?

Had he felt so passionate about the situation that he
hit
me?

We’d been in arguments before. We’d had moments where our opposing views had caused physical responses, but not since we were younger. And even then, we’d never punched each other.

My ear was ringing. The pain was pretty intense, it took me a few seconds, but when I was able to stand, I positioned myself right in front of him.

Something in his expression shifted. The crease in his forehead had released. His jaw wasn’t clenched as tight, and his eyes softened. “Adam, I’m—”

I did what I’d never done before. I hurled my closed hand toward his face. I was surprised when it connected with his cheekbone. But even more surprising was the pain I felt. I backed away, shaking my hand out and put it between my thighs as if the pressure would help it.

“God damn it!”

I looked up in time to see my brother stomping toward me, one hand over the left side of his face, the other raised and fisted. I prepared myself to get hit again, but from out of nowhere, Dad came between us.

“That’s enough.” He didn’t have to yel . Just the power of his voice sent Aaron back. He leaned against the bookshelf, body bent as he cradled his face. “He started it,” Aaron said, pointing to me.

Yes. I started it, and I’d do it again. “He’s a prick!”

When I looked into the face of my father, I felt paralyzed by his gaze. I stood up straight, keeping my hand close to my body. “What he did wasn’t right, Dad. He can’t keep getting away with being like this!”

“You judgmental asshole,” Aaron said.

“Shut it. Both of you.” Dad pointed toward the kitchen. “You’d better get some ice.” When both of us made a move, he amended, “Adam first.” In the kitchen, I grabbed plastic baggies, fil ed them with ice and then wrapped a towel around them. I could just barely hear my dad talking to my brother. I didn’t care what he was saying. Aaron wouldn’t change. He certainly wouldn’t apologize to me, or to Olivia.

I went upstairs and lay down on my bed then laid the ice on my swel ing hand and held the other ice pack on top of the left side of my head.

Despite the pain, I felt great. Never before had I stood up to him. Never before had I felt so angry at Aaron, or anyone for that matter.

I was done with my brother. I was done picking up after him. I was done helping him out. I was done feeling bad for him. His insomnia was probably just a manifestation of what a horrible person he was. From now on, he could sink or swim without me as a life vest.

Later that night, I texted Olivia.
Can I catch a ride to school with you on Monday?

“Oh my God!” Olivia said as I got into her car Monday morning.

My hand stil hurt, but my ear and my head were fine. Wel , except for the swol en bruise that had developed.“Looks worse than it is. I’m fine.”

“Who the hel did that?”

“Aaron. But I punched him back,” I said, pride evident in my tone.

I didn’t exactly expect her to cheer for me or anything, but I didn’t realize I’d get a resigned sigh and a disappointed, “Adam.”

“What?”

At a stoplight, she turned to me. “Fighting sucks on every level, but physical y fighting with your brother? That sucks even more. And over something so stupid!”

She didn’t
know
what we were fighting over. She was just assuming. If she was assuming that we were fighting over how he’d treated her, she was right. Stil , I needed her to know that I’d take a thousand punches if it meant that Aaron was forced to think about how he treated her. “It wasn’t stupid. I don’t real y care if you like what happened between Aaron and me. I’m happy.” Silence fil ed the car until we took off again. Then she said, “Wel , I guess if it makes you so happy it’s okay.” Aaron didn’t show up to Current Events. A part of me was incredibly satisfied that he’d overslept and failed to get to school on time without me.

When I told Olivia this after class, she gave me a disapproving look.

“What?”

“Listen, I know I was upset. I know what he did was bad, but let’s not focus al of our attention on it. A week ago, I real y liked him. I stil like him.

Not the same way, obviously, but stil , Aaron’s not evil. He’s just . . . he’s just . . .”

“An idiot?”

“Exactly,” she said. “We should emit energy that wil help him become a little bit more enlightened.” I stopped. Olivia took a few more steps, then realizing I wasn’t right next to her, she stopped, too. “What’s up?” Shaking my head, I narrowed my eyes as I studied her. She looked healthier today. Her eyes sparkled as she looked at me. “How are you this awesome?” I asked.

Olivia blushed and looked down.

I hadn’t meant to embarrass her. I walked over and put my finger on her cheek. My hand stil stung, but the feel of her overpowered the pain. “I mean, you’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen, and you’re the kindest, most tolerant and open-minded person I’ve ever met. I don’t understand how you can be this way. Aaron—”

She looked up. “He hurt me. I felt it. I cried and cursed his name. Then I got over it.”

“In a day?” I asked, my disbelief apparent.

“Life’s too short to get stuck. I don’t have time to wal ow in despair. I felt my feelings. I cried my tears, and now I’m ready to get on with it al .” She wrapped her fingers gingerly around my hand. “I get why you’re upset and I thank you for caring, but don’t waste time on negative thoughts like that, okay? He’s your brother, and you know at some point you’re going to forgive him. There’s no reason to wait.” Her hand fel away from me as she glanced at her watch. “See you at lunch?” she asked.

I stil felt a bit stunned by how she was handling the whole thing, but I nodded. I went through the rest of the morning thinking that I’d see her only in passing, but Olivia surprised me again. She sat with me and my friends.

Casey was beside himself, throwing me looks and stumbling over his words as he tried to speak to her. It was funny. The rest of my friends seemed to take it in stride, but they, too, gave me looks that let me know they weren’t sure what to think.

“Work tonight?” I asked.

I was disappointed when she said, “No.”

Not only would I not get to take a break with her, but I had wanted to catch a ride with her as wel . I didn’t want to have to depend on Aaron anymore. Especial y now that I’d let him oversleep. He would probably stil be pissed enough to leave me hanging.

“Do you need a ride?”

I felt bad for asking, but I
did
need a ride. “Would you mind?”

“Are you kidding?” she asked with a laugh. “It’l get me out of the house. I’ve been stuck inside with Grandma for too long. I love her, but she’s driving me crazy.”

The complete shift from the crying, hurt girl over the weekend to the girl who was confidently proclaiming she was over the entire situation with my brother had my head spinning. I’d known of girls who
pretended
to be okay with breakups, but they never actual y were. But I believed Olivia when she said she’d dealt with her feelings and was ready to move on.

It was just as wel . Aaron would always be Aaron, and after what had happened, it was hard to imagine them ever being able to be okay again.