My Russian Nightmare (7 page)

His heart races beneath my hand. It’s pounding fast and hard, mirroring my own. I wonder if he feels the same pain, the same ache in his chest, the way I feel it in mine.

“Kiera, you’re playing with fire.”

“Like you said before, if you wanted to hurt me, you would’ve already.”

“Yes, but…wait, are you saying you trust me?” he asks, sounding surprised.

I nod. “With my life. I know it’s stupid. It’s way too soon, and I shouldn’t, but yes. There’s a little voice in my head telling me to trust you.”

His eyes glass over as he pulls me into his arms and holds my head against his chest. I feel each long, exaggerated breath he pulls in, contrasted by the short shallow ones from me. He runs his hand down my hair and I breathe easier, taking in his fresh, clean scent. He even smells perfect. Just like I remember.

*

“I only have a minute, Kukla,” he says, using the name he and his mother call me. I don’t bother correcting them anymore. They know my name’s Kiera, and if he doesn’t know it by now, he never will. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

“Why? Are you leaving? Are you going on vacation?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “No. We’re moving far away so we can be closer to my father.”

“Oh.” I’m disappointed. I don’t know where far away is, but he went once before, and it took forever for him to come back.

“Can I visit you?”

He shakes his head. “We have to take a plane to get there, it’s too far to visit.”

I sniffle, trying to hold back my tears. If Sammy sees me cry, he’s going to make fun of me and tell all the kids in my class.

“When are you coming back?”

He shakes his head. “Momma says we can’t ever come back.” He looks at the ground and shuffles his feet. “But I’m going to miss my kukla too much to never come back.”

I want to beg him to take me with him, to let me hide in his suitcase, then he’ll have to come back to bring me home. And then he can stay.

“You’re my best friend, Dante.”

“You’re mine, too. And Kiera, if I ever find a real unicorn, I promise I’ll bring it back for you.”

Chapter 7

“Dante!”

It’s him. I know it’s him. I throw my arms around him. He’s real. Alive. Flesh and bone, just as I thought. Just as I remember. I never understood why he left and I don’t know why he’s back, but he stole a piece of my heart. He ripped it off and held onto it all these years. Being in his arms, I feel whole again.

A hint of a smile lights up his somber face. “You remember?”

“Of course I do. I could never forget you.”

“But Sammy said…” He shakes his head. “Never mind.”

“Sammy knows? My brother knew you were here and he never told me? Why not?”

“Because…” I see the lump in his throat bob as he swallows. “I haven’t been Dante in a very long time. Not since I left here.”

“You’ll always be Dante. My Dante.” He brushes the hair that’s fallen in front of my face back behind my ear. He’s gentle. Kind. He’s Dante. “I knew you’d come back. I’ve missed you so much!”

Without thinking, I reach up and kiss his cheek, trailing soft, quick kisses to his lips. I lean against his hard body, the body that’s been beckoning me all day. This explains the crazy thoughts I’ve been having about him, the relentless pull toward him. I must’ve known, must’ve sensed who he is. I can’t think of anything now except how this isn’t enough. I want more. I want all of him. And I want to give him all of me.

“I won’t hurt you, Kiera. But that doesn’t mean you won’t still get burned.”

“You’re worth the risk.”

He lets go of me and steps away, balling his hands into fists, shaking his head. “I’m not. I’m no good for you. No matter how much I want to be.” His voice drops. “And I really want to be.”

A cold chill surrounds me. I’m craving the warmth of his arms. I feel my heartbeat thrum in my chest, in my ears, in my throat. I want him to hold me again.

“I won’t tell them if that’s what you’re worried about. I won’t get you in trouble.”

“You’re worried about protecting me?” he asks, looking stunned that I’d say such a thing.

“If that’s what’s holding you back.”

“You sweet girl.” Quick as lightening, he grabs my head and his fingers thread through my hair as he leans down so we’re eye to eye. His large caramel eyes are pained. There’s something in the way he looks at me, something sad and troubled in his eyes that clenches my heart tight. “You’re so beautiful. Inside and out. I don’t want you to protect me, I want to protect you. It’s all I ever wanted to do, and I fail at it, every time.” 

“No. You’ve always protected me. You kept me safe from Sammy and the creepy man that tried to kidnap me when we were kids.”

I’m surprised at how close to the surface this memory is. Luckily Dante was in the bathroom at the time and on his way back to the main dining area. He heard the man ask me to help him find his lost puppy. I started walking with the man, but before we made it to the front door, Dante alerted my father. The man left me and ran away as fast as he could.

The creepy man came back a few weeks later. Once I recognized him, I tried to get back to the kitchen, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the door. Again Dante interceded, grabbing my other hand and pulling me in the opposite direction while screaming for the creeper to stop. This time my father hopped over the counter with a baseball bat.

Mommy came and ushered us to a booth in the back. After thanking Dante, she brought us each a hot chocolate and sat with us. I shook and trembled, my teeth sounding like castanets. After that, I wasn’t allowed in the main section of the diner unless my parents were there. Otherwise I had to stay in the kitchen, or with Mommy. But I didn’t care, because I was safe and it was because of him. The man standing in front of me.

“Kiss me,” I say in a breathy voice.

“I shouldn’t.” He leans his forehead against mine. I feel his breath on my lips, and it ignites a longing I’ve never felt before.

“Please?” I place my hands on his face. It’s hard to breathe. I need him like I need oxygen. I can’t believe I’m asking him to do this, but I can’t let this moment pass. I imagined it all through my teenage years. I promised myself if I ever saw him again, I’d find the courage to kiss him.

He was cute as a boy, my first crush. But those days are long gone. He’s no longer a boy, he’s a strong, sexy man with striking features. And what I feel right now is a lot stronger than a schoolgirl crush. It’s pure unadulterated lust.

“If I kiss you,” he says, brushing his thumb across my bottom lip, his voice little more than a whisper, “I might not be able to stop.”

I take a deep breath, filling my chest with air so he feels my breasts against him. “Who says I’ll want you to?”

One hand snakes around my waist and pulls me hard, holds me tight, crushes me against him. I suck in a breath, afraid, excited, buzzing from the thrill of what’s going to come next.

This time, I don’t try to break away. Instead, I stand on my tiptoes, interlock my fingers at the back of his neck, and press against him harder, closer.

“I want you so bad, Kiera, but it would be wrong,” his words are soft, his voice low.

I shake my head, barely able to speak. “It’s not wrong. It’s what I want.”

He doesn’t say anything. He continues to stare at me. The tension between us is thick and heavy and full of sexual need.

“Think about it.” I don’t know if my being so forward will turn him off. I’ve never asked a man for his attention. If anything, I’ve become a pro at deflecting and ignoring them. “If you can’t get me out of here in time, what happens?”

His whole body tenses up. He’s stiff and rigid. He turns his head so he doesn’t have to look at me. I move my trembling hand up to his cheek and force him to look in my eyes again. Once he does, I’m lost, falling deeper and deeper into the abyss that’s Dante.

“I don’t want to think about it.”

“Tell me. I need to hear it.”

“They’re going to force you to have sex with them.”

“You mean rape me?” I can’t believe we’re discussing this calmly, as if it’s something that happens all the time and not a fucked-up, life-altering event. Like they’ll just take turns fucking me while I scream and cry, and then we’ll all go out for ice cream.

“It’s what they do, sort of like an initiation ceremony.” A chill runs up my spine, and he holds me closer if it’s at all possible. “And then they’ll drug you, keep you high so you don’t try to escape. They’ll hook you on all sorts of shit — heroine, coke, Oxycodone. They’ll make you so dependent on them you’ll be willing to do anything for your next fix. And that’s when they’ll start pimping you out.”

I take a moment to let his words sink in and contemplate the future these animals have laid out for me. I swallow hard, unsure I can get the words to leave my mouth.

“Please, Dante. I need you to help me.”

He cups my cheek and pulls his bottom lip between his teeth before speaking.  “I’m trying.” He closes his eyes. “I have something in the works.”

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t want my first time to be like that. I want it to be with you.”

“First time?” he whispers as a look of horror settles on his face. “It can’t be your first time.” His hungry eyes look me over. “Look at you. You’re so beautiful.”

I shrug. “One thing has nothing to do with the other. They’re mutually exclusive.”

“That’s not what I mean. It’s just, don’t you have a boyfriend? What a stupid question. I expect you have lots of boyfriends.”

“No. I don’t date much.” I force a smile to lighten the oppressive air surrounding us, but I’m sure it looks as phony as it feels. “It’s a side effect of having a very overbearing brother. Besides, I’ve never met anyone I wanted to be with like that.” I pause for a beat. “Until now.”

“Shit!”

Most definitely not the reaction I had hoped for. My heart sinks. I wish I could stomp on it until it stops beating and end the sting and humiliation of rejection. He closes his eyes and moves his hand to the back of my neck. His lips are mere centimeters from mine.

Kiss me! Kiss me! I scream in my mind. He doesn’t. He pulls back a little.

“Fuck, Kiera!” His whole body sags. “If they find out you’re a virgin, it’ll speed things up, and I need to delay everything as long as possible. We need to give Sammy a chance to get better. Otherwise we might not have a choice, we might have to leave him behind.”

“We can’t. Besides, how would they find out? Unless you tell them.”

“They have a doctor coming to examine you.”

“Why?”

“To make sure you’re clean, that you don’t have any STDs, and that you’re not pregnant. Also, he’ll set you up with an IUD for birth control.” 

“So will you have sex with me or won’t you?” He doesn’t answer. Shame and embarrassment burn through me. I try to pull away and unravel myself from his arms. “Sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you wanted me. I get it, you’re in love with someone else. I’m sorry, I forgot.” It hurts to say it. Feeling how strong and thick his desire is as it presses into my belly, I could’ve sworn he’d say yes. Maybe me being a virgin is a turn off?

“Of course I want you.” He pulls me back, holding me again forehead to forehead with his hands on the back of my neck under my hair.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is I’m hoping things will not go that far.”

“But you can’t guarantee that they wont.”

He shakes his head, “No. I can’t.”

“Then give me a memory I’ll want to keep and cherish. Something to block out the pain if it they do get their way.”

“I’ll be taking advantage of you.”

“It’s not just the sex part, Dante. It’s the whole first time part. Show me what it could’ve been like if you never left and we fell in love, or if we rendezvoused on our own. I’d rather give you my body willingly than wait for them to force themselves on me.”

“I’m trying to do the right thing here.”

I hear his words, but they feel empty. Like excuses. I read him totally wrong. He doesn’t want me. The sparks, the sizzling, it’s all been one-sided.

“Oh my God!” An unsettling thought forms in my mind. I cover my mouth and break away from him.

“What? What’s wrong?” Fear takes residency in his large brown eyes as he reaches for my hand. I shrink away, just beyond his reach, and hug my arms around myself. Covering my chest, backing up, I move away. I need to get far, far away from him.

“Kiera, what’s wrong?”

“You’re one of them.” The thought makes me sick. I feel bile rising in the back of my throat. “That’s why you don’t want to have sex with me. You’re going to rape me, too.” I say it like it’s an indisputable fact. “Is that why you didn’t tell me who you are? Why you kidnapped me? Did you want to wait until you had me pinned down beneath you with all your friends around, to hurt and humiliate me even more?”

His eyes screw up in anger. He glares at me, and I’m scared shitless.

“Maybe it’s better you should see me as a monster. Then you won’t confuse who I was with who I am now.”

Not even a denial. Not one word to put my mind at ease. Not one fucking word.

“I hate you!” I scream. “I fucking hate you!”