My Secret Rockstar Boyfriend (7 page)

Comments

Don’t worry, Chew! I don’t mind your boring old non-exotic Anglo-Saxon self.

seymour_brown

hey I was married to a hot french chick and i can tell ya they aint all they’re cracked up to be . . . i nearly went out of my mind with boredom if
you wanna know the real truth. gimme a smart, sweet writer chick any day o’ the week! i don’t wanna alarm you or be too forward but I am really starting to think you’re a special
girl, Tuesday.

jackson_e_griffith

Um, thanks? *blushes* I’m not going to say ‘ditto’, because obviously you’re a famous pop star and you don’t need me to
stroke your ego for you (or anything else, for that matter – ha ha).

Tuesday-yes-that-is-my-real-name-Cooper

and i thought I was the one being too forward, you English writer girls are crazier than I thought! I didn’t say nothing about stroking. Officer,
it wasn’t my idea!!! She started it!!! OK . . . you’re it – go . . .

jackson_e_griffith

Pfft, you’re clearly way too used to girls throwing themselves at you so you’re misinterpreting my perfectly innocent comment. *prim
face*

Tuesday-yes-that-is-my-real-name-Cooper

That’s hot.

jackson_e_griffith

I’m extremely busy and important and I am not listening. La la la la la . . .

Tuesday-yes-that-is-my-real-name-Cooper

Hahahahahahha – you kill me, I knew i liked ya . . . been in the studio these last couple days working on some new ditties, aint nothing special
but maybe you can get a journalistic scoop and be the first to hear ’em. I’d appreciate your advice anyway. So, it’s five in the morning here in LA and I haven’t been to bed
yet so i’m gonna check out and leave you alone (temporarily, I hope). N’night, Ruby Tuesday (anyone ever call you that, ha ha). X

jackson_e_griffith

WTAF??!!??????

seymour_brown

Chew??

Carrie_Cougar

Seriously, Chew – what the hell is going on here?

Nishi_S

As we know, dinner at Moshi Munchers is usually my favourite thing to do.
Usually.
I am sitting in my customary corner seat with the full array of miso soup, dumplings
and octopus balls laid out in front of me. I am sucking an edamame pod of its delicious oil and salt coating. I should be at my absolute happiest. ‘Should be’, you will note, being the
operative part of that sentence.

Instead I feel like I’m up in front of a firing squad. A firing squad made up of the people who are supposed to be on my team.

‘You’re being deluded, Chew,’ Seymour says, labouring his point, as he has been for the past ten minutes. ‘There’s no way that this is the real Jackson Griffith.
Don’t you think he would have better things to do than to read silly little blogs by small-town English schoolgirls? No offence.’

I hate it when people say ‘no offence’ after they’ve already said something really hurtful. I can’t even be bothered to pull Seymour up on being so disrespectful, as
he’s already decided that I’m the one in the wrong, and Nishi and Anna both seem to be backing him up. He’s being as bad as those girls who say, ‘I’m not being a
bitch, but . . .’ before they say something really, horribly bitchy. Whatever else, he knows that my ‘silly little’ blog means a lot to me and I’m sure he’s just being
nasty on purpose because he’s annoyed with me. It’s really unlike him, but he’s acting very weirdly in general about this.

‘Well, he’s got quite a lot of time on his hands since he came out of therapy,’ I try to joke feebly.

I know now is the time to pull out my trump card, get out my phone and show them the photo evidence of the driving licence, and thus prove my triumph once and for all. But I don’t. I tell
myself it’s because I can’t be bothered, that they won’t believe me anyway. But, if I’m honest, I think it’s kind of because I want to keep something for myself.
Especially when they’re all sniping at me like this. I just want to drop it, before they make me feel like crap and ruin the whole thing for me. It’s probably really wrong of me, but I
want to enjoy my little secret for at least a bit longer without them taking all the fun out of it.

‘Can’t you be serious for once?’ Seymour insists. ‘I’m really worried about this. You’ve got some crazy guy stalking you via your blog – and not only
are you joking about it, you’re encouraging him! What do you think, Nishi?’

Typical Nishi – totally ignoring my pleading glances, she
actually thinks
about her considered, balanced opinion on the matter. Doesn’t she realize that, as my best friend
– and especially after everything she said in the canteen the other day – she should just take my side? I can already tell by the pained expression on her face that I’m not going
to like what she has to say. Damn her and her strict moral code.

‘Well . . . whoever he is, Chew,’ she says, ‘you’ve got to admit that those comments on your last post were really inappropriate. I can see that the attention must be
flattering, but you need to shut it down. Not cool.’

I stop listening as they go into a flurry of pious agreeing with each other, all still saying that they don’t believe it’s him anyway. Like I’m not even here.

Worst of all, they clearly can’t decide whether A) I’ve turned into some loyalty-free harlot who’s going to run off with Jackson Griffith and become a professional groupie at a
moment’s notice; or B) I’m a poor easily led child who’s being groomed by some weirdo perv posing as Jackson Griffith, and my mum probably needs to put parental control on my
Internet access. I genuinely can’t decide which one is more offensive. They’re both pretty derogatory.

‘Fine,’ I say, holding my hands up. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry. I already deleted the comments. I’ll leave it alone. Can we please talk about something else
now?’

Unfortunately for me, I am sure I must be the world’s most rubbish liar. Yes, I’m lying – I
know
it’s the real Jackson Griffith, but there is no point in
pursuing that conversation with my friends.

‘You’re right,’ I add for good measure. ‘You’re all absolutely right.’

However I feel so freaked out by lying to my friends, and how obvious it must be, that I suddenly feel all physically awkward – I don’t know what to do with my hands or where to
look. So I shove an octopus ball into my mouth, whole, without even bothering with chopsticks. I regret this immediately and promptly start choking.

For about half a second I’m quite glad to have created such a cunning diversion, however inadvertently. Then I realize that I am actually, properly choking. I start to feel like I might
die. I suppose it would be no more than I deserve.

‘Stop mucking about, Chew,’ Seymour says, barely even looking at me. ‘We get it, we’ll forget the whole thing – you don’t have to try and be funny to distract
us.’

I attempt to breathe and only succeed in inhaling more deep-fried octopus into my lungs. Clutching blindly at the table in search of my drink, I misjudge and come away with a handful of
nothing.

‘Guys,’ Anna says quietly, after a few more seconds of me being asphyxiated in the corner. ‘I think she’s really choking. Her face is turning purple.’

Seymour and Nish don’t get themselves together to do anything useful, so Anna starts pounding me on the back as hard as she can. It hurts a surprising amount considering she looks like the
daintiest little thing you can imagine – I swear she has more genetically in common with a small woodland creature than she does with me.

Thankfully it finally works – she jabs an elbow into my side and I puke octopus balls right into Seymour’s lap.

‘Oh no, my new red jeans!’ he exclaims, and I think it is pretty telling that this is his reflex reaction.

However he soon rights himself and makes all the appropriate soothing noises while he grabs about two dozen paper napkins and starts the mammoth task of mopping up his trouser area.

‘Sorry,’ I manage to whisper.

My throat really does hurt, and out of nowhere I feel surprisingly teary, like not only has this evening been a disaster but it’s just all too much. My near-death experience has pushed me
over the edge and I feel weirdly emotional about all sorts of things. I’m probably just being silly. Plus I think I still have a chunk of batter lodged behind my nose somewhere. It feels
disgusting.

‘Look, I’m really sorry but I think I’m going to go home,’ I say, standing up on slightly wobbly legs. ‘I actually don’t feel that well. You can all have the
rest of my dinner – if you want it.’

Seymour and Nishi look like they might actually take me seriously for the first time ever when they see that I really am prepared to leave the remainder of my food. This has literally never
happened before. They are both speechless.

‘See you both tomorrow then,’ I add, forcing a smile in the hope that they’ll leave me alone. ‘And see you soon, Anna. Night, everyone.’

I’m honestly relieved that neither Seymour nor Nishi offers to walk me home, even though they both live really near me. However, I can’t help but wonder if they are all going to
start talking about me behind my back the second I exit the building.

I’m past caring; the fresh air actually helps as I spill on to the pavement outside and start walking. It only takes me a few steps before righteous indignation kicks in and powers me
along.

‘Hey, Chew – wait!’

I’m barely listening. Expecting Seymour or, less likely, Nishi to be the owner of the voice shouting out behind me, I don’t bother to turn around and just keep walking.

‘Tuesday,’ Anna gasps as she catches up. ‘I’m glad I caught up with you.’

She’s panting and grinning, but she isn’t even red in the face like I would be – Anna always looks very together. She’s basically an indie Audrey Hepburn.

‘Actually,’ I say, which starts off as a croak but soon begins to go back to normal, ‘since you just saved my life, I’m probably the one who should be chasing you around,
offering to do good deeds or something.’

‘That’s OK.’ She shrugs. ‘Somebody had to do something. I learned everything I know from
Mrs Doubtfire
. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you.’

‘Really?’

I don’t mean to sound sceptical. As I’ve said a billion times before, I really like Anna. It’s just that we have never really hung out, or spent any length of time one on one.
Now I come to think about it, the longest times have probably been when Nishi has been to the loo in Macari’s. Nishi can be a bit possessive of both of us, I suppose.

Oh god – my conversation with Nish in the canteen springs to mind. I hope Anna
isn’t
secretly in love with me. I mentally roll my eyes at myself – I’m such an
idiot; no wonder my best friend and my boyfriend both appear to hate me.

‘Yeah,’ Anna goes on to explain. ‘I just wanted to say that I think the other two are both being really harsh. And I don’t think it’s right for Nishi to gang up on
you with Seymour like that – she’s supposed to be your best friend.’

‘Well, thanks a lot – but you were a bit quiet too when this was actually happening . . .’

I know I’m being uncharitable and I should just be grateful for the support now. None of this is Anna’s fault.

‘I’m not proud of myself, OK?’ she says quietly. ‘I’m working on it. It’s just that sometimes, with Nishi, it’s really hard to speak up. I’m sure
you don’t understand because you’re really good at holding your own, but she can be so forceful and she just automatically assumes that I have to agree with her about everything. Like,
if I’m not with her I’m against her. God, you must think I’m so pathetic.’

‘Oh, Anna! I really, really don’t – I promise. I understand exactly what you mean. Nishi’s always been like that. When we were eight and anyone asked her what she wanted
to be when she grew up, she would always say she was going to be the Queen of the World. It was only when we were fifteen and she started studying politics that she downgraded to Prime Minister. I
wouldn’t be surprised if she is, one day.’

‘It’s why we love her, right?’ Anna agrees. ‘It’s just that sometimes . . . I don’t know, I feel like she just likes the idea of me, and she would rather I
didn’t ever say or do anything to spoil it.’

‘I do know what you mean, totally,’ I tell her, gabbling to hide the panic that’s invading my stomach again. ‘Sometimes I think Seymour’s the same. I never feel
quite good enough, if I’m honest. But Nishi loves you – she really loves you. She thinks you’re amazing. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Honestly,
since she met you, she’s been a way nicer person. I mean, she’s always been nice, but . . . You know what I mean!’

‘Sure.’ She sounds hesitant.

‘You do love her as well. Don’t you?’

‘Oh, Chew – I really do. So much.
So
much. She’s the coolest person I’ve ever met, and she’s really beautiful and clever – how could I not? I think
it’s my fault; I’m crap at speaking up for myself. I’m going to work on it. I wanted to start with telling you what I thought. Next, maybe I can even tell Nishi!’

We both laugh, both relieved.

‘Well, maybe I can help you,’ I suggest. ‘I’m used to standing up to Nishi and her craziness. I’ll give you lessons.’

‘Do you know what? That sounds great. It’s really helped talking to you, Chew – thanks. We should hang out more, just the two of us sometimes. I ought to start spreading my
wings a bit.’

‘Yeah, that’d be cool,’ I agree.

For the first time today, I feel like I’m doing something right and not everyone is against me. The least I can do is help Nishi and Anna out. Maybe Nish will start being a bit nicer and
seeing things from my point of view if I can heroically save the day and help to solve her relationship problems.