My Side (14 page)

I shrugged, “Kinda.
The tats, the hair, intense eyes, and the muscled body, but not
crazy thick.
You’re still lean. You’re handsome like him. Yeah, if I had
to say anyone, I would say him.”

I watched him look
bashful, for the first time ever, and jumped out of bed, “Yeah, I’m coming.” I
pulled on a tee shirt and some cargo pants.

“You sure?”

I looked at him,
studied him and nodded, “Positive. You can’t go alone. Those bitches will eat
you alive.”

He scoffed, “Stay here
if you’re going to be mad at yourself for not finishing your homework.”

I rolled my eyes, “I’ll
lay here and wonder what you’re doing.”

“I don’t want that. I
want you to be able to do your thing and me do mine, and neither of us worry
what the other person is doing.”

I took a breath and
looked at the stack of books, “No, you’re right. You go. I’ll wait here.”

He kissed me once and
it was enough. He was right. Acting like a psycho, wasn’t going to make dating
him easier.

Of course it lasted
about an hour. Then I couldn’t take it any longer. My eyes wouldn’t focus on
the book I wasn’t reading, and I had already watched three performances of his
singing on YouTube.

I ran out the door,
barely even paying attention to anything, except of course, my mace. I wasn’t
ready to let that go. All women in a city alone needed mace, it was like a
religion for me.

I sprinted down the
stairs and up the block to the bar. The Sunday night performance was the least
popular one. They had talked about cutting it. But when I got around the block
I gasped at the lineup.

“Shit.”

I walked up to the
door to where the bouncer was. He gave me a look. I pointed and whispered, “I’m
Erin Benson… I’m… uhhh, friends with Lochlan. We’re…uhhh…”

He was about to laugh
in my face when Mike walked out front and handed him something, “Hey, Erin.”

I smiled, relieved,
“Hey, Mike.” The lineup went crazy seeing him. He blushed and waved to
everyone.

He looked at the
bouncer, “She’s with Lochlan.” He lifted the rope back for me. The lineup
started to grumble.

“Hey, she’s fucking
the lead singer!” he shouted at them.

I ran inside, hiding
my face. Mike grabbed my arm, “Hey, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I
didn’t know, you and him. I’m a blind idiot… clearly.”

I shook my head, “No.
I assumed it was never going to be anything with him.”

He scoffed, “Yeah, no
kidding.” He stopped laughing and looked down, “Sorry.”

A grin crossed my
lips, “It’s fine. I’ve lived with him for like almost two months. I’ve figured
out what he’s like.”

“He’s like that for
them. When we’re alone and it’s just us guys, he’s normal.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“We start up in five.”
He smiled and walked to the back of the bar.

I found my brother
sitting at a table with a blonde. She gave me a look. I almost smacked him but
he looked up before I could, “Hey. This is Gabby, Gabby, this is my
sister—Erin.”

She smiled at me,
through the glare in her eyes. I felt warmth behind me as a kiss was planted on
my head. I should have known he was there; Gabby suddenly had a lost puppy look
on her face and was adjusting her shirt.

I looked up. He smiled
and bent, kissing my cheek, “You came.” He placed
a lemonade
in front of me.

I grinned and turned,
meeting his lips with mine, “I needed my fix.”

He murmured alongside
my mouth, “Uh oh. Someone is becoming a groupie.”

I rolled my eyes,
“Whatever. Don’t make a big deal about it.”

He whispered into my
ear, “I missed you anyway. I have some
news,
I want to
share with you. Come backstage after the show.” I pressed my face into his kiss
and felt him slip something in my pocket next to my mace.

“I see you have your
cock with you.”

I grinned, “Always.”

He looked away from me
to sign a girl’s stomach. She giggled and clawed at his hand. She jumped up and
down. He laughed and shook his head. Her friends came running over, all getting
his autograph on their chests and stomachs. I looked away. I hated the petty
jealousy burning through me.

He waved at Danny,
“See you after, man.” Danny nodded at him, still playing it cool, even though
he had probably just peed his pants. He walked away without saying goodbye to
me. Girls mauled him the entire way to the back of the stage. I turned around
and drank my lemonade.

The girl was all
doe-eyed now, “You’re dating Lochlan?”

I shrugged, “I don’t
know. Sort of.”

Danny smiled at me,
“They’re roommates.”

She winked, “Friends
with benefits?”

A frown replaced my
indifferent look, “No. I don’t do benefits.” I turned and looked at the front
of the stage. People were milling around the front. Some of them were looking
at me and pointing. I sighed and walked to the front of the stage.

The lights went down,
making the bar black as night. My heart started to pound in anticipation. I
could tell by the breath of the people next to me, they felt the same. Lights
came on, but instead of shining on the stage, they focused on the fans in the
crowd as the song started. The band played in the dark and Lochlan sang softly.
I could barely make out his silhouette.

All of the light was
on the fans. The crowd filled with hands lifted into the air. They were
illuminated with pale-blue lights and swaying with the song.

When more lights came
on, I didn’t watch him, I watched the crowd. The faces of the people were
filled with the same emotions, like they were living through him or for him.
They felt something deep from the intensity of his words. Seeing their faces, I
knew he was giving them his soul and they were taking it... loving every second
of it.

The exchange was
reciprocated; he got a high off of them too. Their devotion and reverence was
ever-present, as they hung on every word he sang with all his heart and soul.
Every set of lips sang the words with him. Some of them cried with joy, or
sorrow, or whatever the puppet master told them to feel. They moved with him,
like him.

I didn’t have to watch
him, I could watch them and know what he was doing.

The lights on the
stage all flicked on, just as he unleashed the beast, singing loudly into the
microphone with fiery anger. Just as it hit, the band crashed with him. They
came to life in the crescendo and mellowed for the break.

He bent towards the
crowd, rocking with them. Each band member was the same. Their individual
instruments worked the fans. They caressed the instruments the way Lochlan’s
lips did the microphone, and his eyes did the crowd.

His sex/singing
face,
was the most mesmerizing thing to watch. He had me
under his spell from the minute the show started to the end. He maintained the
emotions and the passion from the start to finish. Watching him sing was like
making love to him, truly. Every sin and seduction committed was brought to
life by the motion of his body, whether he was singing or fucking. The caress
of his lips, and the fiery beast in his eyes were there for both.

I hated that every
screaming woman was getting the same experience I got. His passions were raw
and exposed for everyone to enjoy.

I blushed when he said
goodnight and the girl next to me threw her underwear on the stage, screaming
about wanting to suck his…

I turned and walked to
the backstage entrance.

I held up the thing
from my pocket. The bouncer opened the door for me.

The guys were all
standing around, wiping off and getting drinks. A woman with long blonde hair,
tight black pants and a red halter-top was rubbing Lochlan’s arm. She squeezed
and gushed and he let her. I frowned as she hugged each
of
 
the
other guys, but went back to
Lochlan. She was excited about something. I watched as he gave her the
one-sided smile and winked at her.

“Oh God,” I muttered,
backing up. He was that rock star boyfriend. I wrinkled my nose. I hated seeing
him like that, touching other women.

I backed out into the
hall.
The bouncer gave me a weak smile
,
“Rock stars.”

I winced when Gerry
turned to see me watching. His eyes instantly flicked to the woman linking her
arm into Lochlan’s. She pressed her chest into his arm and planted a bright-red
kiss on his cheek. He blushed, looking down.

Why had he done it, if
he knew I was coming backstage? Did he want me to see it or had he just
forgotten? Why was he letting fans touch him like that?

Gerry’s mouth parted,
like he wanted to say something but he didn’t. He didn’t even point out that I
was there.

This was always going
to be my reality. He wanted me to be the real world for him, and I wanted him
to be the fantasy but only for me.

Panic was filling me.
I wanted to bail but I was stuck. I wanted to go back and be his flirty friend
but I couldn’t. I was going to lose him, if I couldn’t be with him. Seeing her
maul him, I knew I couldn’t. My back hit the wall, and my heart hit the ground
and broke into a thousand pieces, and scattered across the floor. I left it
there, broken and destroyed, and turned to run from the bar. My feet burned
from the run to the apartment, but I didn’t slow down. I quickly packed my bags
as fast as I could. I wanted to cry but my broken heart was still at the bar,
sitting on the cold, black floor. The tears wouldn’t come.

I dragged the bags
down the stairs and up the road. It was brutal, carrying it all the way to
Gerry’s. It was a five-minute ride but an hour walk with the heavy bags.

I started to sniffle
as I felt under the mailbox for the hide-away key, I remembered from the Costco
trip.

Self-pity started
making attempts at my heartless chest but I shook my head, “You fucking watched
him do it at Costco. Fucking fuck.” I smacked myself in the forehead and opened
the door, shoving my crap inside. I knew better than to let it be more than a
friendship. Now I would lose him forever.

I slammed the door and
collapsed on the floor on my knees. I bent forward on the tiles and sobbed.
Eventually I lay down, pressing my face to the cold floor. Had he done anything
really wrong or was it just too much? I’d been exposed to him and my pride was
lost, not shamed but gone forever. He’d seen me spread wide open in every way
possible. But it wasn’t enough to make him act like he was mine. I closed my
eyes, and no matter how hard I tried to make the mental picture I’d taken of
him in his underwear play in my head, all I got was the red kiss on his cheek.
Another trashy blonde with bleached hair and a round ass.

Gerry found me there,
passed out. He lifted me off the floor and helped me to the couch. I sobbed
inaudible things into his soft dress shirt. He let me. We didn’t need to talk.
He knew.

After a while he
spoke. “It isn’t what you think it is,” he whispered.

I shook my head, “It
doesn’t matter. It won’t ever change and I knew that. I knew what he was, the
minute I met him. He’s charming and alive, in a way that most people aren’t.
I’m
not,
I know I’m not. There will always be some
other girl pressing herself into him, and he has to let them, to be the success
he wants to be. I hate that it’s
me or his dream,
and
I’m honest-to-God wanting to ask him to pick. It’s me that’s ruining us, not
him. I’m the problem. I can’t do this. My first boyfriend cheated on me and I
swore I would never date another man whore again.
‘Course
that was in eleventh grade.
I sort of assumed guys matured.”

He lifted my chin and
wiped my tears with a tissue, “Never assume guys mature. Erin, he loves you. I
can see it. He would never cheat on you.”

I shook my head, “It
doesn’t matter. I can’t be comfortable with it. She kissed him and mauled him,
and he sat there and took it. Even though he asked me to come to the backstage.
He knew I was coming. He knew I would see that. He had to risk that.”

He shook his head, “He
got distracted. It’s a major record deal. She works for the record company.
This is huge. Major. We’ll be doing tours and playing the Grammys and concerts
worldwide. It’s what we wanted. This is our dream coming true. He got caught up
in it.”

I knew then, Gerry
would never be on my side. I didn’t want him there anyway. He was part of the
band. He wanted to be on the ride with Lochlan, in more than one way. He wanted
to sit at the cool kids table, the way I had. Lochlan made him feel alive, with
the way he saw what he wanted and went after it. I’d liked it when the thing he
wanted had been me.
‘Course that was yesterday.
I gave
it to him, and like with every other girl, he was done. I almost slapped
myself, was that a fair thing to think about him? Was he really like that? Did
I believe it or was I
hurt-talking
? I shook my petty,
self-pitying head and smiled weakly at Gerry, “Congratulations. I’m sorry. I am
happy for you, Ger.” I had to be happy for Gerry. His dream had just come true.
It was huge and I was being whiny. Was it better that I saw the whininess or
worse that I wasn’t stopping myself?