My Soon-To-Be Sex Life (5 page)

“SUCKS TO BE ME”

SCREENPLAY

BY

CHARLOTTE WEBB

ANONY MOUS

INTERIOR. A HIGHSCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

CHARLIE and ROACH skip down corridor holding hands, laughing uproariously at their own

lighthearted whimsy. The zippy duo comes to an abrupt halt as they near a row of lockers.

CHARLIE – VOICE OVER

Much as I loved being right, in this one teeny instance, being wrong wouldn't have sucked a whole bunch.

ROACH

Do you believe this?

CHARLIE – VOICE OVER

Yes, I did believe it, because, as I told Roach before, lots of things that weren't supposed to happened, did happen, and one of them just happened to crap in my face. The evidence of my stupidity was proudly on display not four feet away.

ROACH

Is that really you? If I squint, it could be anyone. Well, any girl.

CHARLIE

Except that I'm the only girl in school with a fucking mole at the end of her smile! I knew I should have pulled an Enrique Iglesias and had Mini Me removed. We could have preserved her in a Petri dish for future generations to admire.

ROACH

Let's think positive. One topless photo doesn't a life of prostitution make.

CHARLIE

One, no. However, one topless photo of you photocopied and taped to
every single fucking locker in your school
could certainly lead a girl in that direction.

ROACH

No one will figure it out. And if someone tries to peg this on you, we'll write up a formal denial and post it in the school newsletter.

CHARLIE

Did you even read the words at the bottom? Are your corneas non-functional?

(reads aloud)

Charlie gives good head
!

ROACH

Ewe…did you really?

CHARLIE

I'm a virgin, Roach. Doesn't mean I'm exactly
virginal
. But the point is, he used my name. I think that makes it pretty clear who owns those melons.

ROACH

(groaning)

How did this happen?

CHARLIE

Tyler Gribbons. He took the shot with his cell, right before he went to that football training

camp.

ROACH

(answers her cell)

Weird, it's for you. I think it's Ty.

CHARLIE

(pissed)

Hello. This is Charlie,
who's going to Fucking maim and kill you
, speaking.

TY

I see you got my message this time. I wasn't sure if you had your phone back yet. You gotta' admit the old school locker trick is still pretty effective.

CHARLIE

Fuck off and die. Slowly and painfully.

TY

(laughing)

Love you too, baby. See you around. Actually, lots of people will be seeing you around. I posted it online.

CHARLIE

(dial tone in her ear)

You ………………………………………

FADE TO BLACK

The B-movie of my life fades away and I land in the horrific reality of it all.

I knew it could have been worse. In his haste Ty had prematurely snapped, capturing the moment when my bra was just slipping off my breasts. No exposed nipples. You could have seen the same amount of flesh on any beach or poolside.

But still. The fact that he'd lied and a supposedly private moment was plastered on lockers…stung. It made me feel vulnerable and used and everything I didn't want to feel when it came to guys.

“In a thousand years from now, this photo will resurface and save my flagging acting career.” See? I could think positive thoughts. And I did, for about a second.

“You don't want to be an actor anymore,” Roach said. “You want to be an accountant. You told me last week. We planned your course load.”

“Roach, no one wants to be an accountant. That was a joke.”

“Oh, well, good thing. I was afraid to tell you your math marks aren't up to snuff.” Roach reached out, crumpled one of the offending photos, moved to the next locker, and the next, tearing off as many Charlie chests as she could.

I stood there watching her, and every other Tom, and Harry Dick in the school, as they gave their lockers a cursory glance, tore off the picture and moved on with their lives, while my boobs looked up at them from the freshly-waxed floor.

“You go, girl.” Grace applauded the mother a few tables over who ignored the anxious looks of stuffy patrons and whipped out her breast when her baby started fussing.

Mom's favorite family Italian restaurant had reopened under new management, so Grace and I were playing food critic, under strict instructions to give mom a detailed review during our next visit. So far our findings were dismal, bleeding into major waste of time. And we hadn't even sampled the food yet. We'd been seated for half an hour staring at our menus while savory odors drifted over from other tables. No one had taken our orders. The wait was making Grace punchy.

“You don't see many women with the confidence to bare it all and nurse in public,” Grace said. “Why is something so natural a taboo? Mothers have the right to feed their children, anyplace, anytime.”

“Can we not talk about breasts?” I was still recovering from the day's tits up debauchery. It hadn't amounted to much in the grand scheme of things. Roach had made sure any stray photocopies were swiftly taken care of and the print evidence was long gone before any of the teachers would have noticed. Even if they had spotted one of the copies, they'd probably assumed it was something for art class or yet another lame poster for yet another lame school dance.

Amazing what shit went on under teacher's noses.

And as for sharing the photo around online? Well, my fairly well-covered boobs didn't hold up against another Beyoncé meme. By the last bell, the whole thing was a distant memory.

For everyone else, at least.

“Please.” I held up a hand. “No more boobs. Not even in terms of nourishment. Besides, if you go on and on…breastfeeding this, breastfeeding that…and looking at her funny, then you're part of the problem, don't you think?” I propped the pleather menu on the table using it to conceal my chest, unable to shake the feeling every man in the crowded restaurant had downloaded my hooters from Ty's sleazy Facebook page and jerked off before going to dinner with their wives. “I mean, if it really didn't test your tolerance for naked flesh on public display, would you think to mention it?”

“Playing devil's advocate? How predictable.” Grace attempted to make eye contact with one of the waitresses buzzing between tables. She started waving her arms. “What does it take to get food around here?”

A waitress started in our direction only to be commandeered by a blue-haired woman at another table. Grace shifted, her chair scrapping against the ceramic tile in an embarrassing restaurant faux pas.

People stared.

I poked my tongue out at them.

“So, why can't we talk about boobs?” Grace tipped my menu down and leered at my happy-face T-shirt. “Are you sporting a third nipple I don't know about?”

“Don't. Just don't, okay?” I jerked the menu back into position.

“Wow, Charlie.” She laughed. “What's the big deal?”

“Let's just say I had a rotten brassiere day and it's not nice to keep reminding me.” I scanned the menu, drooling a little. “You know what?”

“What?”

“I think this is the extract same menu as before, but with stupider names.
The Heebie Jeebee Platter.
See? It doesn't even make sense. I have no taste bud reference for a
Heebie Jeebee
. Isn't that supposed to be something scary? It's not even Italian.”

“A rose by any other name…” Distracted, Grace began to check over the goods, making unnecessary and annoying grunts of approval. Grace was like my second mother; she'd known our dysfunctional family since the dawn of time and was one of the few who could give as well as take our constant sarcasm.

My stomach growled. I was so freaking hungry. I'd probably gain five pounds this week and it was all Ty's fault. I eat when I'm stressed.

“Ready to order?” Grace asked. “I'm ready. You're ready. We're ready, hello, does anyone work here...oh, screw this…” She let out a two-fingered wolf whistle. Coincidentally, a harried looking waitress stopped at our table.

“What was that for? I was getting to you.”

“I'll have the special,” Grace announced as if the waitress had politely asked for our order. “That's the chicken
breast
, right?”

I groaned behind my menu.

The woman frowned, and then examined the sandwich board near the entrance. “No chicken breast special tonight. Will shrimp do?”

“Shrimp breasts?” Grace asked, blinking innocently.

“What?” the waitress snapped.

“You said you have shrimp breasts on special?”

“Shrimp breasts?” she repeated. “Not that I know of, but I'll ask.”

“Oh, please don't…” I said, but the waitress was suddenly an eager beaver.

“We're all pretty new,” she explained, bringing forth a cell phone from the front pouch of her apron. “We only opened a week ago.”  She dialed a number.

Not three tables over, another waitress answered.

“Hey, how's things? I know, it's insane tonight.” Our waitress laughed. “Yeah, but he's totally married. I saw him pocket his ring when he came in. Listen, this lady at my table wants to know if we have shrimp breasts.”

In disbelief, Grace and I watched the other waitress excuse herself from a bewildered table of hungry folk, their orders obviously unfinished. When she arrived, she asked, “I don't think shrimp have breasts, do they?”

A heated debate ensued.

Grace shot me a gleeful look.

I'd had enough. “Put me down for a plate of spaghetti,” I told them and went to the ladies room.

When I returned, Grace was alone and all apologetic.

“Let's make a clean….” Grace inhaled, smothering her amusement with extra oxygen, “…breast of the evening.”

“You are so evil.”

“Because I want to make the
breast
of our time together?”

“Can you stop now?”

“Okay,” Grace said, using an edge of the tablecloth to wipe away tears. “Oh, God, that was good.”

“I thought you milked it a bit much,” I said.

“Seriously, kiddo.” Grace tilted her head, assessing me with a knowing look. “All shits and giggles aside. How are things with you and Monty?”

I shrugged. “It could be worse.”

“That's not an answer.”

“It's the truth.” I met her gaze with a level one of my own. “Really. I'm sort of stunned that we get along. He's crotchety, sure. Opinionated. Sarcastic. But, you know, it has to be said – Monty's a lot like Mom.”

Grace snorted. “Don't ever let her hear you say that. She'd eat you alive.”

“I know.” I laughed, because, yeah, my mother could level a person with just a look. If she was giving you a good tongue lashing, you'd feel the sting for weeks. “It's weird how strong Mom is about certain things and then with Dad, she just,” I sucked in a breath, “shattered.” I stared at Grace, always so confident, so true to herself, even if she was a total drama queen. “You wouldn't have. You're stronger than she is.”

“
I'm stronger than her?
” Grace echoed. “Where did that come from?” A heavy frown pulled her blonde brows into a solid V.

“Well, you've had a lot of nasty stuff happen in your life.” My throat tightened. “But you're not the one in rehab.”

“That's not fair.” Grace slapped her hand on the table. “I didn't have the man I love die, only to find out he'd been betraying me for years. Your mother's a hell of a lot stronger than I could ever be. She's practically an amazon, Charlie. She's doing whatever it takes to get herself, and both you guys, back to a happier, healthier place.” Grace gave me a sad smile. “Can't you see that?”

I shrugged, avoiding her gaze. How had we gone from making boob jokes to dissecting my life? I needed to change the subject. Quick. My attention fixed on three handsome men who strutted into the restaurant, finding them to be a great way to cleanse my mental palette.

Very, very, very nice.

“Oh…oh…oh shit.” Grace squealed.

I spun around to see what her deal was, but she'd gone AWOL. I half stood, craning my head this way and that to see where the hell she went. Had I upset her that much with my talk of Mom and rehab? Something dug into my ankle. I peered under the cloth, saw Grace's panicked face and joined her under the table.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Wrong?” Grace hissed. “Get your head out of your ass, Charlie. I'm under a fucking table.” She grabbed me and shook my shoulders. “You need to create a diversion before he sees me.”

“He who?”

“Blake!”

“Oh,” I said, getting the lay of the land. Blake was the one guy Grace couldn't get over. Sure, she was married now and everything, but she'd always told us if Blake walked into her life again – she'd be toast. Spontaneous adultery. Grace was strong, but we all had our kryptonite. “What kind of diversion? Usually diversion means you blow something up.”

“Just a diversion, okay? Anything, whatever – I need to find the back way out of this limp noodle.”

“I never noticed one before.”

“There's always a back door – don't you watch movies?”

Together we spilled from our cave and scooted past curious eyes. We stood behind a hundred-gallon fish tank. We didn't have to worry about Blake seeing us through the water - it was foggy and slightly green. One lone goldfish gasped for breath at the surface.

Grace grimaced. “They really should clean that.”

“Which one is Blake?” I asked, just noticing the men were triplets, identical except for their clothes. Apparently one copy of those perfectly chiseled features wasn't enough.

“How do I know? They're too far away. Besides, they need to be naked for me to be sure.” Grace grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the swinging kitchen door. “This way.”

We navigated the narrow rows of stainless steel appliances and counter space. Cooks waved their spatulas at us, scowling through steam and cussing in Italian. It smelled amazing. I was truly starving.

I grabbed a fresh bun from a cooling rack.

“Where's the back door?” Grace yelled.

Concentrating on eating and not on our speedy exit, my heel slid along a fallen strand of linguini. I pitched forward, launched the bun in the air, and I fell…into someone's arms. Strong, warm, muscular arms. A tingle of awareness crept up the back of my neck.

“I've got you,” an eerily familiar voice said in my ear.

I scrambled out of his grip, and stared up into
his
face. Neither of us moved. I don't know what his excuse was, but I was too stunned to do much more than stand there and gape. A rush of wants, all unwelcome, all too much, too fast, washed over me. I wanted to reach out and touch the strong line of his jaw, or slap him across the face, or pull him into a passionate, angry kiss and see where the hell that took us.

Damn with the
feels
and this guy.

“No way.” I pivoted sharply and followed the cursing and shaking fists that marked Grace's route.

“Wait a minute,” he said. “I know you from somewhere. Dimwoods?” He named a biker bar.

All that yearning and he didn't even remember me? That hurt. I should have slapped him the second it flashed through my mind. Note to self - always go for the slap. “Shit, you're a biker?” I tossed back at him. “Do you have assless chaps, too?”

He grabbed my arm. “Wait. You're
her
. From the elevator.”

Finally. But I didn't like his tone, and I really didn't like it when he asked, “How the hell did you find me?”

I put on the emergency brake, whirled around and smacked his hand away. Jesus, I thought Ty had an ego. “Look asshole, I'm not here for
you
. In fact, I'm looking for a way out of this joint.”

I spotted Grace chatting up a busboy. I grabbed a ladle and banged it furiously against a pot of simmering tomato sauce. Grace saw me and waved.

Mr. Urgent urgently pulled the ladle from my grip. “I don't have time to make another batch if you beat this one to death.”

I let myself look at him, taking in his white coat and dorky chef hat. “You work here?”

“No, I dress like this all the time. It's a sex thing.”

I snorted.

“Is he helping?” Grace appeared beside us. “Because the cute guy I found didn't. He sure was sweet though.” She eyed the boy from afar, tilting her head like a dog eyeing an eminently-humpable leg. “Ian's never that sweet to me.”

“Down, cougar.” The last thing I needed tonight was for Grace to get her groove back. I leaned into Mr. U. “Where's the back exit? We're avoiding an ex-boyfriend and could use some assistance.”

Mr. U frowned. “Your ex-boyfriend?”

“Mine,” Grace said.

“Eric!” A man's voice echoed through the kitchen. “Get those girls out of my kitchen. How many times do I have to tell you, don't shit where you sleep.”

Mr. U pushed us ahead of him. “On it, Dad. I'm on it.”

I nudged Grace. “Did his dad just compare us to shit? I'm kind of offended here.”

“Forget him.” Grace spoke in a reckless stage whisper. “Who's this Eric? He's a bit whipped by the misogynistic father, but looks-wise, he's amazing,”

I had to downplay Mr. U's importance in case he could hear our conversation. Which I was pretty sure he could, since he grinned when Grace said “amazing” – the eavesdropping jerk.

“He's just some loser.” I tried for bored and uninterested, but my voice was all breathy and made “loser” sound like the cat's meow. I wondered if I'd crossed his mind. I wondered if he was eyeing my ass.

We arrived at a set of double doors.

“This is it,” Mr. U/Eric – finally, a name - said, holding one open.

Grace went out and into the alley behind the restaurant. “Hurry, Charlie! Let's go already.”