My True Love Gave to Me (7 page)

Sasha threw back his hands, as if to pummel Thomas in the chest.

He didn’t brace for the impact. He merely held Sasha’s gaze, those light blue eyes that had once looked on him with such unabashed adoration. “Go ahead. Hit me. I certainly deserve it.”

He stood there and waited for the blows to fall. A willing object for Sasha to vent his fury upon.

With a low growl, Sasha turned on his heel, showing Thomas his back.

Loved.
Past tense. Sasha didn’t love him anymore.

Hands clenched at his sides, Sasha stopped before the side table. Thomas heard the long inhale fill his lungs then the whoosh of the even longer exhale, the air stuttering the faintest bit.

“Why now?” Sasha asked, the thick fury almost completely gone. “Why did you wait so long to return to London?”

“To return to you,” he corrected. “Because I had convinced myself that what I felt for you was wrong. You were the first man I kissed, the first man I even contemplated being with. I’d noticed men before, but it was nothing compared to how I felt about you. Yet I believed those feelings were wrong.”

“And what do you believe now?”

“Love cannot be wrong.”

“It took you four years to come to that conclusion?” Sasha turned back to face him.

“You never contacted me, never wrote me. Nothing for four bloody long years, Thomas.”

It didn’t escape his notice that Sasha had called him Thomas and not Bennett.

“I know. I’m sorry. I should have written you, but…but I was trying so damn hard to forget you. I thought if I put enough distance between us, if I worked myself until I could barely stand, if I accompanied my uncle to parties and danced attendance on young ladies, that it would make what I felt for you go away. Never did. I went to a brothel and paid a ridiculous sum for the most beautiful woman in the house. Complete disaster. Should have saved myself the money. When I could deny the truth no more, when I finally accepted that I preferred men, I even tried to replace you. I spent some time with a gentleman who owned a jewelry shop around the corner from the hotel. It felt right to be with him, but at the same time so very wrong because he wasn’t you.” Letting out a sigh, Thomas rubbed the back of his neck, trying to gather his thoughts. Wouldn’t do to ramble on. “The relationship served a purpose, though. It confirmed that I belonged with you. So I made the decision to book passage on a ship to England. I could have sent a note, but I was too impatient. I had it stuck in my head that I couldn’t allow another holiday to pass without seeing you. I was well aware of the distinct possibility that you would turn me away, but I had to try.”

For all of that, he received an elegantly arched eyebrow from Sasha. “A jeweler, Thomas?”

“He was a nice man, an understanding one at that. When I informed him I was leaving for London, he told me he knew I was going back for someone. And don’t scowl at me. You were planning to entertain Radcliffe the night I returned.”

Sasha rolled his eyes. “He’s just a good friend. Nothing more. He doesn’t know how to stay in one man’s bed anyway.”

That provided some measure of relief. At least Sasha wasn’t in a relationship with the man. But… “Have there been other
good friends?
” He winced as soon as the words left his mouth. “Never mind. I don’t have the right to ask that question.”

“No, you don’t.” Sasha crossed his arms over his chest. “How long do you plan to remain in Town?”

“That depends on you.”

Sasha let out a little huff of disbelief. “Doesn’t your uncle expect you back at some point?”

“I told him I would send a letter if I decided not to return. He’s aware of the possibility that I might remain in England indefinitely.”

He had saved a nice sum while working in New York, but it wouldn’t last forever. He’d eventually need to seek employment, but he wasn’t certain what he would do if he remained in London. One term of university did not serve as any means of recommendation, but he did have family connections. If he couldn’t find anything on his own, he knew if he asked for assistance in procuring a position, he’d likely receive it, for no other reason than to keep up appearances, though he’d rather not have to resort to that.

The fire popped and crackled, the coals shifting on the grate, the sound loud in the quiet room. Thomas fought the urge to shift his weight. The time had come. He needed to discover his fate, to find out once and for all if he had indeed been too late. “I want to remain with you, if you’ll let me. If you would have me back, I will never leave you again. If you’ll just tell me what will it take for you to forgive me, I’ll do it. Just name it. Anything at all.”

For many long moments, silence filled the room. Thick, excruciating, terrible silence.

“I don’t know if I can forgive you.”

Thomas heard the truth in Sasha’s quiet voice, read it in his solemn gaze. And it cut deep to the bone, to Thomas’s very soul.

It was over. Done.

He had been too late.

He needed to step away from Sasha. Leave the man in peace and make arrangements to catch the next ship back to New York.

It took every bit of effort within himself to turn and make his feet move toward the door.

“Leaving me again?”

The taunt snapped against Thomas’s retreating back, pulling him to a stop. Dropping his head, he closed his eyes. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said, voice cracking under the threat of imminent tears. He cleared his throat but it didn’t do a bit of good. “Perhaps I need to accept that some things are not meant to be, no matter how much you love someone.”

He did not need to hear the creak of the floorboards to know Sasha was approaching. He somehow felt the man’s presence coming closer. That sense of warmth, of home, that only belonged to Sasha.

A hand touched Thomas’s forearm. The gesture so familiar it made his heart ache with the knowledge he would never feel Sasha’s hand on him again.

Agony ripped across his chest, yanked the breath from his lungs. A tremble racked his knees. Somehow he remained on his feet.

If Thomas had once caused Sasha to feel even a trace of this agony…

No wonder the man could not find it within himself to forgive him.

Thomas lifted his head. The tears that filled his eyes sliced into Alexander’s heart, making it nigh impossible to keep clinging to that old hurt.

“I’m sorry, Sasha. I’m sorry I was weak. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay with you. I’m sorry I ran like a coward. For what it’s worth, I loved you then and I love you now.” His lashes swept down on a harsh wince. A single tear slid down his cheek. “I’m sorry I hurt you. You did nothing to deserve it.”

All of the doubts, the fears that Thomas would leave him again, slipped away, sliding into oblivion as if they had never existed.

Nothing would ever be able to fully take away the memory of the pain. One simply did not forget a thing like that. But Alexander found it no longer mattered. That was the past, and he couldn’t continue to punish Thomas for something the man had done when he’d been but an adolescent.

They had both been young. Both impetuous in their own way. Back then, he had even suspected that fear had driven Thomas away from him. Odd how the years had dimmed that revelation, turning it inconsequential when compared to his own hurt. But when forced to face it again, to see the regret slide down Thomas’s cheek, to hear it, the weight so heavy his voice had broken under the strain…

Alexander did the only thing he could do. He wrapped his arms around Thomas’s waist, held him close. Thomas bowed his head, tucked it against Alexander’s neck, hiding his face. Yet Alexander could feel the warm moisture against his jaw and the tremors rack Thomas’s powerful body.

“Apology accepted,” he murmured into Thomas’s ear.

Thomas’s breath caught. Then those strong arms were holding Alexander close once again.

Alexander nuzzled his ear, dragged his mouth across Thomas’s wet check, across the faint raspy stubble of his evening beard, found his lips and kissed him.

The years vanished.

Sensation crashed over him, filling his entire body, his heart and his soul.

He was back where he belonged.

He had never stopped loving Thomas. He had buried it, refused to acknowledge it for so long. But the truth was he still loved the man. Had carried that love with him for the last four years. It was the reason he never wanted anything more than casual liaisons with others. Why he had pulled away the moment he’d felt another inching over that line, even nudging against more than casual.

His heart had known all along that there would be no one else for him but Thomas.

Their tongues twined together, decadent and luxurious, yet he felt that trace of hesitancy behind Thomas’s kiss. Alexander deepened the kiss, trying to wipe away that shade of uncertainty.

“I will never leave you again,” Thomas whispered hoarsely against his lips.

“I know.” Lifting up onto his toes, he tried to nip at Thomas’s bottom lip, needing the man’s mouth on his again.

Yet Thomas stayed just out of reach. Alexander adored Thomas’s height, the way he stood taller than most every gentleman in a room. But sometimes the man was too damn tall.

“On my honor. Never again.” Thomas’s dark eyes bored into his, pleading with him.

Alexander reached up with one hand to cup Thomas’s jaw. “I know. I believe you.”

Relief washed over Thomas’s handsome features, yet the hesitation still remained in the depths of his eyes. “Will you take me back?”

“Of course. I never forgot you either.”

And Thomas’s mouth was on his once again. Alexander held on tight to Thomas’s neck as Thomas kissed him with an urgency, with a need, that left his head spinning.

He tilted his head back as Thomas trailed kisses along his jaw, pausing to tug his cravat free before pressing more kisses along his neck and up to the sensitive spot behind his ear. A shiver of delight racked Alexander’s senses. Gooseflesh pricked his skin. Tilting his hips forward, he rubbed against Thomas, the rigid length of his cock dragging across Thomas’s. Blatant, raw lust spiked the sweet delight.

A groan rumbled from Thomas’s broad chest. Large hands drifted down to splay over Alexander’s arse. Rough, ragged breaths fanned across Alexander’s ear, tickling the sensitive shell. “
Good God,
I want you, Sasha. Please say yes.”

“Will a
hell yes
suffice?”

“More than suffice.”

Thomas dragged his lips across Alexander’s cheek. A hair’s breadth from reaching Alexander’s mouth, he lifted his head and glanced about. A furrow marred his brow.

Alexander was just about to tug on Thomas’s shoulders, to pull the man’s focus back on him, when the source of that furrow occurred to him. “Upstairs. My bed.”

Thomas nodded. Stepping back, he grabbed Alexander’s hand and made to leave the study.

The loss of Thomas’s strong body against his dimmed the lust in his veins just enough for him to remember the vow he had made to himself as he’d sat in the chair, waiting for Thomas to call.

He planted his feet to the floor. Thomas could have easily pulled him along, but he didn’t. He stopped and turned to him.

“I haven’t changed my mind,” Alexander said, hoping to reassure Thomas, to ease that flash of concern in his eyes. “I just… You have my apologies for…” He lifted one shoulder in a mockery of a casual shrug. “For how I treated you a fortnight ago. I’m rather ashamed of myself.”

“It’s all right. I understand, and I understood at the time. I deserved your disdain.”

Alexander shook his head. “But definitely not vented in such a manner. It was the first time you allowed another to take you, was it not?”

Thomas nodded.

“I suspected as much, yet still…” Another shake of his head. “I should not—”

“Apology accepted. No need to discuss it any further. Though I do wish you would have accepted the invitation to supper last week. I missed you. You made social functions bearable, and without you, it was…well, tedious does not even begin to describe it.”

“I thought you enjoyed functions, or at least didn’t much mind them. You always fell so neatly into line.”

“Because I used to focus on what I believed was the right thing to do, but I’ve found it’s more important to focus on what feels right, if that makes any sense at all. And no matter what others might believe,
you
feel right to me, Sasha.”

Staunch, upright Thomas was no longer concerned with falling into line? Alexander couldn’t help but feel happy for him. “Well, if it is any consolation, you aren’t the sole reason I refused the invitation. I don’t much care for supper parties during the holiday season. Balls and card parties are one thing, but suppers? Much too festive, and there’s no escape to the card room. The Christmas Season isn’t my favorite time of year.”

“I’m—”

“Please don’t apologize again. You’ve done enough of that already to last for a good long while.”

“You will let me know when that long while has expired?”

Alexander let out a short chuckle. “Yes. And I’d hazard a guess I’ll feel a hell of a lot better to you when we move upstairs.”

A smile spread across Thomas’s face. “Come along, then.”

He tugged on Alexander’s hand. This time Alexander eagerly followed him, only to bump into the man’s back when they reached the foot of the steps.

“Upstairs, Thomas.” He pushed on Thomas’s brown-coated back with his free hand, but the man didn’t budge an inch. “First door on the left.”

“I haven’t forgotten.” Thomas looked over his shoulder and lowered his voice. “Have your servants retired for the night?”

“Yes.” He certainly would not have shouted at Thomas earlier in the study if he had any concern his servants were still within earshot. “They usually leave by nine, but I told the maid I was expecting a caller and to wait until you arrived. Didn’t want to risk missing your knock.” He pushed again on that broad back. “Now up.”

Seemingly satisfied, Thomas finally went up the stairs. There was not even a hitch of a hesitation in his long strides as he approached the door, pushed it open and strode into Alexander’s bedchamber.

The fire was already lit, casting a weak golden glow around the hearth, and the coverlet pulled back, but… He pulled his hand free of Thomas’s. “Need to light a candle.”

After grabbing the candlestick from the bedside table, he lit it from the hearth then placed it back in its spot. He did not want any detail shrouded by shadows.

The bedchamber door clicked shut.

Pulling his loose cravat from his neck, he turned from the bedside table. Thomas stood just inside the room, his intent gaze locked on Alexander. The cut of his bland, brown coat did nothing to mask the strength of his shoulders or the width of his chest. A substantial erection tented the placket of his trousers.

A pinch of apprehension invaded Alexander’s belly then flared up his chest.

Hell, he felt like he was nineteen again.

But he was no longer an ignorant virgin. He knew what to expect, and he wanted it. Wanted Thomas. His bare body covering him. His mouth on his. Those strong arms holding him tight. To finally have the night they had never had. And Christ, it wasn’t as if it would be their first time together. Yet…

He gave Thomas a smile, hoping it would mask the nervousness that gripped him.

Calm and secure, an answering smile curved Thomas’s mouth as he crossed the room. “I love you.”

Those three words flowed over him, easing the tightness in his chest. He had been correct all those years ago. Thomas would make tonight wonderful. “I love you, too.”

Thomas stopped before him. Cupping his jaw, he brushed the pad of his thumb across Alexander’s bottom lip. “But we can wait if you’d wish.”

“I don’t want to wait.”

“Neither do I,” he replied softly, before claiming Alexander’s mouth in a searing hot kiss.

Alexander worked his hands between their bodies, made quick work of the buttons of Thomas’s coat and waistcoat and pushed them from the man’s shoulders. Reached up to tug on the knot of his cravat and pull the long length of fabric from his neck. There would be plenty of opportunities to linger later. Right now, Alexander wanted Thomas naked.

The strokes of Thomas’s tongue against his slowed, becoming more soothing than needy, the frantic edge slipping away.

Alexander lifted onto his toes, trying to deepen the kiss.

That delicious mouth left his.

A growl of frustration shook Alexander’s throat.

“There’s no reason to rush. None at all,” Thomas murmured.

Shaking his head, he reached for Thomas’s neck, intent on dragging the man’s lips back down to his own. “I want you. Now.
Please.
”

“Sasha.” Large hands bracketed his jaw. “Sasha,” he repeated, this time quieter, softer, his breath a whisper across Alexander’s mouth. His eyes were heavily-lidded, the dark depths filled with unquenchable desire, yet his voice held limitless patience. “We have all night. We have forever. I want…” His lashes swept down. “I’ve dreamed of nothing but you for years. I don’t want to miss a moment of tonight.” Those dark eyes met Alexander’s once again. “Indulge me, please?”

How could he refuse such a plea? Alexander nodded. “All right.” His hands closed into fists over the collar of Thomas’s shirt as he resisted the urge to try to rip the garment from his lover’s body. “But…
bloody hell,
I want you.”

The edges of Thomas’s mouth kicked up in a rueful smile. “If it’s any consolation, the feeling is quite mutual.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, Thomas finally lowered his head again. Brushed his lips across Alexander’s. Light and gentle, as if it was the first kiss of the night. As if it was their first kiss.

For a moment, he was back under that old tree at Oxford. The air thick with the scents of dried leaves and dewy grass, the dark shadows cloaking them in a world all their own. The anticipation roaring through his veins momentarily paused, like a jump suspended in midair, as the touch of Thomas’s lips against his permanently imprinted itself on his senses.

Just as he had done then, Alexander gave in, stopped pushing for more and let Thomas lead. Simply soaked up the sensations as he let the man kiss him as he pleased.

Lips slid over his own in a gentle drag, then a hot tongue tickled the seam of his lips. Alexander eagerly opened for Thomas. He could do nothing but cling to Thomas’s neck as the deep, thorough strokes of Thomas’s tongue absolutely ravished his senses.

After he did not know how long—a few minutes, an hour, he hadn’t a clue—Thomas broke the kiss. Eyes blazing with passion, Thomas reached for the top button on Alexander’s waistcoat. He swore he could hear the soft swoosh of fabric as, one by one, the buttons were slipped from their moorings. Alexander’s breaths came so short and so fast he was practically swaying on his feet as his lover took his time divesting him of each piece of clothing. The last button released, and his waistcoat was pushed from his shoulders, falling to the floorboards. Fingertips grazed his sides in a teasing hint of a caress as Thomas pulled his shirt up and over his head. Alexander pushed his hair out of his eyes and watched Thomas tug on the placket of his trousers. Fabric shifted across the hard arch of Alexander’s erection, threatening to pull a moan from his throat. A welcome draft of cool air hit his skin as Thomas pushed the trousers down Alexander’s hips. Soft wool swooshed down his legs. He kicked the garment free of his feet, leaving him standing bare before Thomas for the first time.

At barely five feet seven, he was well aware he couldn’t even come close to rivaling Thomas’s impressive frame. He had some muscles, but standing in front of Thomas right then he felt downright scrawny. Lifting his chin, he prayed with all his might that Thomas liked what he saw.

He felt the heat of Thomas’s gaze as it swept over his body. A drop of fluid dripped from the tip of Alexander’s achingly hard cock.

Slowly, Thomas reached out. Placed a hand on his chest, directly over his heart. A quiver shook Alexander’s body.

“You are the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on.”

A thin whimper slid past Alexander’s lips. And then Thomas’s mouth was on his again, those strong arms pulling him close to the man’s powerful body.

He felt the faint tremor in Thomas’s hands as his lover caressed every inch of skin he could reach, branding Alexander with his touch. Thomas’s need for him was so strong he could taste it, and the man’s deliberately unhurried pace somehow increased the intensity tenfold.