My Year of Epic Rock (10 page)

Between trying to avoid kicking the kick pedal too hard and counting under my breath to keep up with the music, I was too busy to notice until halfway through the song that Ethan had come into the room. He was standing by the door to Tiernan's bedroom, holding a video game.

Talk about startling! And because I can't get surprised without making a total idiot of myself, I lost the tempo and slowed way, way down. Heidi turned to look at me, with a “What the…?” face. I blushed, big time.

“Dude!” Tiernan said, as the rest of the band stopped playing. “It's already six o'clock?” He gave Ethan a high-five. “I didn't realize we'd been practicing for so long.”

“Hey, that was cool. You guys were good,” Ethan said, sounding like he meant it.

“We're awesome, right?” Shane nodded at Ethan from behind the keyboards.

“Hey, Nina,” Ethan said to me, running one hand through his hair. “How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine,” I mumbled.

“Tiernan told me you were all in a band together,” Ethan said, looking at me, not anyone else.

I shrugged.

Heidi turned to ask Tiernan a question, and Shane and Madison leaned in to hear what they were saying. Ethan stood there for a minute. I had so many things I wanted to say to him—funny, smart things, the kind of stuff I always think of when I'm alone in my room, pretending I've been cast in a movie as a gorgeous wild-child who everyone is always in love with and who wears dangly earrings and I'm being interviewed before the Academy Awards and Ethan is my date. But I stayed quiet. Being clever on demand is hard!

Ethan started to speak to me but stopped. Then he said, “Tiernan, hey, call me when you're ready to hang out, and I can swing by later. Or tomorrow. Whatever.”

He turned and left, not saying good-bye or even waving to me.

I felt a deflating sensation, like a balloon lost all its air in my chest.

He
thought
we
sucked.

He's embarrassed for me.

He
can't get the image of my face all puffed up yesterday out of his head.

He's going to go find Shelley and ask her out.

“Let's run through this one more time,” Shane said, looking around the room.

“I have to go to the bathroom first,” said Heidi. “Nina, come with me.”

“Sure,” I said, not feeling like playing anymore.

We went down the hall and found the bright blue bathroom, and Heidi flicked the overhead fan on and the tap full blast.

“I don't think anyone is listening to you go to the bathroom all the way down here,” I said, confused.

“I don't have to have to go,” Heidi said, giving me an impatient look.

“Then what are we doing in here?”

“You're being so weird to Ethan. You know he saved your life, right?”

“Wait, what?”

I'd changed the topic every single time any of my friends tried to tell me about the day at the farm, so I actually didn't really know what had happened. I was hoping to keep it that way. Anytime it came up, I felt both sick and horribly mortified. Awful times two!

“Yeah, he was the one who noticed you'd left and went to find out where you went. Then he came running back and got Mrs. Cook. And did I mention, that probably saved your life?”

“I didn't know that.”

“Also, he likes you, dummy.”

“No, Heidi, we've been friends forever. He doesn't
like
me
like me. He just likes me. Besides, Shelley is into him and she's gorgeous.”

“No, he likes you likes you. And he was worried about you being in the hospital. He called Tiernan twice that night to see if we'd heard from you. You could at least say ‘thank you' to him.”

With that, she turned off the tap and yanked opened the door, stomping out. I stood there, shocked. I knew she had to be wrong. Because I'd seen Ethan hanging out with Shelley all day at the farm, and she was clearly into him. And if my best friend from forever could dump me for Shelley after one meal all the way over in Italy, why wouldn't a cute boy choose her over me too? Especially considering how all over the place I'd been lately, like in a permanent state of confusion and awkward behavior.

I wish I knew what to think. After all those years of Brianna being bossy, I'd come to rely on having her help me figure out what to do all the time, even though anytime we talked about boys we had crushes on, she never acted like any of them might like me back.

But if Heidi was right, and Ethan liked me, it would be amazing. Because he was amazing. And being around him felt like the best Friday-before-spring-break feeling in the world. I smiled a little bit, secretly, just to myself.

The next morning, just as Mrs. Cook was about to dismiss us for first period, Principal Fontella's voice came on over the school intercom, sounding loud and scratchy.

“Please excuse the interruption,” she started. “I wanted to remind everyone of a few upcoming events. One is the fund-raiser bake sale and fall festival this Saturday for the sixth grade whale-watching trip. Come on by and support your classmates on this very worthy cause.

“The second is something I'm personally very excited about. Our annual Halloween Talent Show, two weeks from Friday. Your teachers are going to hand in all sign-up forms at the end of the day today, so anyone who wants to show their classmates their incredible talent, be it singing, dancing, magic, or any other endeavor, today is your last opportunity to sign up.”

A few kids groaned and laughed, but I saw Tiernan looking at me and giving me the thumbs-up sign. I smiled and shook my head at him. It was amazing how enthusiastic he always was about everything. It must be fun to be like that.

When the bell rang a minute later, Tiernan hopped up out of his chair and raced over to the form on Mrs. Cook's bulletin board and wrote down something. He gave me another thumbs-up. It was official. Our first live show!

Tiernan waved bye to me as I walked over to look at the sign-up sheet myself. I was curious to see if anyone else had added their names or if we were the only ones brave-slash-moronic enough to volunteer for public humiliation.

As I was staring, Shelley and Brianna walked up behind me.

“Are you going to be in the talent show?” Brianna said, “I thought you hated being on stage.”

I shrugged, kind of embarrassed. “Yeah, I'm in a band.”

“With who?” Shelley asked.

“It's, me, Tiernan, Madison, Shane, and Heidi.”

“That's quite a group you've got there,” Brianna said, smirking.

“You know, most seventh and eighth graders don't even go to the talent show,” Shelley said, like she was doing me a big favor telling me that. “Last year my friends skipped it.”

“Oh, that's okay, it's not about who comes, it's all about playing for the fun of it,” I said, feeling increasingly defensive.

“Also Brianna and I are having a huge party that night so we can't stop by the show because we have to get ready for our party.
It's a costume party.
” Shelley said that last part slowly, like it was a very important detail.

“Oh.” I didn't know what else to say.

“The talent show will be kind of lame,” Brianna added.

Was Brianna warning me, like trying to help me, or being mean to me about something I was
finally
doing on my own? Who could even tell with her anymore?

I was so confused and felt so embarrassed that I blurted out a world-record-level dumb comment.

“Kind of lame? The talent show is
totally
lame. It's, like, completely stupid, but I said I'd do it and now I have to. I don't want to at all. We're awful. I'm glad no one will be coming to see us, anyway.”

“That is so harsh,” Brianna laughed, but I felt like it was more with me than at me. Finally. It felt good to be included.

They walked off, waving to me.

I had no idea what had just happened but I felt like a huge liar for saying all those things about the Epis.

I took a deep breath, walked out the classroom, and saw Tiernan standing there. He was staring at me. I smiled at him but he gave me a dirty look. He was furious. With me.

Because he'd overheard the whole thing.

“Seriously?” he said, the skin on his cheeks blotchy.

I looked down at my brown boots and noticed one toe was kind of scuffed and dirty.

“Nina, if you don't want to be in the band, forget it. We'll be fine without you.”

“I was just joking, Tiernan!” I said, still looking anywhere but at him.

“That didn't sound like a joke.” He was almost yelling, not caring that people passing by were staring.

“No, I really like being in the band. It's just…I'm not even sure why I said that.”

“I know why. It's because you think you're too good for us. Exactly like you used to act all last year. I should have known you were still so shallow.”

I swallowed hard, hunching up my shoulders. What could I possibly say? That my mouth had moved faster than my brain? That I was trying to fit in? That I was sorry and had been an idiot? I opened my mouth to speak, but Tiernan stormed off before I could say a word.

Over the next few hours, I had replayed the whole incident in my head a hundred times over. My blurting out those mean comments about the band, Shelley and Brianna laughing, Tiernan looking so upset and hurt.

There was no way I could face him or any of The EpiPens now at lunch. Instead, I went to the nurse's office and asked that they call my mother to pick me up and take me home.

Mom looked worried when she came to get me at school in what seemed like record time.

“I'm fine, Mom,” I told her for the fourth time as we got into the car.

“If you felt sick enough to go to the nurse, you're not fine. What's wrong?” Mom leaned over to put her hand on my forehead.

“I'm just tired,” I said to her. That was true. I was exhausted. I couldn't believe the week I'd had.

When we got home, Mom insisted that I lie down on the couch so she could keep an eye on me. She kept busy in the kitchen but came out a few times. The first time she was carrying a mug of hot chocolate with a huge bunch of marshmallows. Then the next time she asked if I'd be “willing” to try out the new fudge recipe she'd been working on. “I'm going to call it ‘Fudge Sludge,' because it looks like molten tar!”

Finally Mom announced that she just happened to have all the ingredients to make veggie sushi rolls and would I want that for lunch.

I love veggie sushi.

“Mom! Quit it!” I yelled.

“Quit what?” she said, looking innocent.

“You're making all my favorite foods. What's going on? What's the catch?”

“No catch, honey. I'm just offering. I like cooking for you.”

“I don't even feel like eating,” I said and put my head back down on the orange-striped throw pillow.

“This hasn't been the best few weeks for you, has it?” Mom patted my head. “Do you still feel tired?”

I sighed. “It's everything at school. I was trying to get along with Brianna and I wound up hurting another friend's feelings.” I picked at the blue nail polish on my thumb instead of looking at Mom.

“What happened?”

“It's too awful. I can't even go into it.” I threw my nail polish peel on the floor.

“Do you think you're overreacting? Things have a way of blowing over.”

I shrugged, like I didn't know, but I did know. There was no blowing over on this one.

“I know things with Brianna haven't been good lately, and—”

“That's the understatement of the year,” I interrupted her. I didn't want to talk about Brianna.

“Let me finish. I think it's actually a good thing that you're spending time with other classmates.”

I looked at her. “Why?”

“Honey, this isn't about Brianna. It's about you. You have a lot to offer. You're funny. And kind. And smart. And talented. Maybe Brianna isn't the type of friend who is going to let you shine.”

She leaned over to kiss me on the head and walked back into the kitchen.

Maybe Brianna had never let me shine, but at least I'd had backup 24/7. I had been making a giant mess out of flying solo.

The rest of my day was incredibly quiet. I checked my phone obsessively, but there were no calls or texts or anything from anyone in the band. What if they all hated me?

• • •

When I got to school the next morning, I actually felt like I might throw up. It seemed like the entire seventh grade was in the lobby, hanging out and talking and having fun. No one was waiting for me. If I never showed up at Woodgrove Middle School again, I couldn't imagine anyone would care.

Brianna and Shelley were on a bench with Josh in the middle. He looked even dinkier next to two normal-sized people. Ethan was standing sort of near them, bouncing a soccer ball on his knee and talking to some other boys.

Tiernan was sitting with Shane and Madison. He watched me as I walked toward him, but he acted like he wasn't. I'd practiced the apology in my head over and over, and how I'd explain I didn't mean it and was joking around, but when I saw Tiernan again and remembered how bummed he'd looked the day before, I realized the only possible thing I could say was “I'm sorry.” Anything else would sound like I was making an excuse, and there wasn't one.

Other than temporary insanity or temporary stupidity.

Except apologizing is so hard! And what if I did and Tiernan was still mad and didn't want to forgive me? I'm not sure I'd want to forgive me if I were him.

I pretended to be checking something on my phone as I walked by Brianna and Shelley so I wouldn't have to talk to them, but as I passed their bench, I heard Brianna say, “Hi, Nina!” in a really loud voice.

Ethan looked around when he heard my name. He kept bouncing the soccer ball. He didn't smile or act happy to see me, like he usually did. Had I made him mad, somehow, too?

Wonderful.

“Hey,” I said to Brianna, slowing down, even though I didn't want to. I wondered what she wanted.

“How's
the
band
?” Brianna said.

Josh laughed.

Did she actually like me again because I'd acted mean and backstabby? She was awful.

Which made me even awfuler. All the time we were friends, I'd not only laughed whenever she'd made snarky comments about our classmates instead of sticking up for them, but I'd egged her on more times than I could bear to admit. Yesterday, as soon as I got even a slim glimmer of opportunity to be allowed back in her company again, I totally grabbed it.

I'd been obsessed with trying to get her to like me again. But what if I couldn't stand myself when I was around her?

I stopped walking and looked right at her.

“Thank you sooooo much for asking about the band,” I said back, copying her fakey-face voice. “The Epis totally appreciate how into us you are. To answer your question, we are good. We rock.”

Tiernan cracked a small smile—he'd heard me.

The bell rang and people began picking up their bags and filing out of the lobby. It was my chance to escape.

“Later,” I said, trying to get the last word before she could say something rude to me.

“Are you
really
going to be in the talent show? With them?” She jutted her chin in the band's direction, not looking so nice now. “That is so lame.”

“Why do you care what I do?” I was sick to death of trying to win her over, sucking up for a crumb of her attention.

“Please, I don't care. I'm just making conversation.” She rolled her eyes.

“Make it with someone else, Brianna. I'm over your drama. Get over yourself.”

She raised her eyebrows, surprised. Her mouth made an O shape, but she didn't say anything back to me.

Josh laughed loudly, and Brianna shoved him and said, “Shut up, idiot.”

I did it!

My hands trembled a little.

I told Brianna off.

In all our years of being friends, I had never, not once, acted angry with her, even when I should have. I savored my victory, looking her straight in the eye one more time before I walked away.

So
there!

I squared my shoulders and walked away like I didn't have a care in the world. It was a world-class acting job, because the past two minutes had been terrifying.

Now
what?

I looked for Tiernan but he was gone, along with the rest of the band.

I raced up the stairs, looking for his curly hair in the crush of people.

“Tiernan,” I gasped, spotting him. I grabbed him on the shoulder just before he went into the classroom. A few people gave me a funny look but whatever, I'd gotten plenty of those lately.

He turned around, surveying me warily.

“I'm sorry,” I said. “I am so, so sorry. I was the worst yesterday.”

“Eh, forget it,” he said back, but instead of meeting my eyes, he kept rolling up the sleeves of his flannel shirt and then rolling them back down again. His nose looked red.

“I was…thoughtless.”

“We aren't here to be playing backup for you, Nina. We're supposed to be your real friends, not second choice ones.”

I felt my heart deflate a little and my eyes well up with tears.

“I like being in the band, Tiernan. Honestly. I told Brianna off just now. And I love you all. Not second best.”

He smiled slightly. “We are a loveable, ragtag bunch.”

“I was mean. And I won't do it again.” I reached forward and gave him a hug before he could stop me.

“Hey, hey,” he said, pushing me away and laughing. “Apology accepted.”

Just then Mrs. Cook stuck her head out of the classroom. “Oh, excuse me. I thought you both might want to take part in educational matters, but don't let me stop you from whatever is clearly So. Much. More. Important.”

Tiernan and I took one look at her face and hustled to our seats, covering our mouths so she wouldn't see us laughing. I felt magically lighter and happier—the load that had weighed me down for the past twenty-four hours gone. For once I didn't even mind risking Mrs. Cook's wrath.

• • •

I was walking into the cafeteria when I heard, “Nina, hold up.” It was Ethan, catching his soccer ball behind his head with one arm so effortlessly he looked like an action hero or sports star. How come he always seemed so awesome at everything?

“Hey, Ethan.”