Nanny and the Professor (25 page)

What was she doing here? The question had echoed in her head the whole time she'd packed the picnic basket and during the drive to the park located at the far end of Stringer's Pond.

She got up, absently smoothed her palms over the back of her twill shorts, and headed off toward the swings.

Joshua had been so right when he'd blatantly exposed her fear of failure. She hadn't even realized it herself until she'd heard him say the words aloud. Tears burned her eyelids and she dashed at them with the back of her hand.

Earning her equivalency diploma had been something she'd always planned on doing. It had been her unfulfilled dream. But there had never been time to do it. She'd been so busy with Eric, with bills, with money, with working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time. She'd always been too damned busy with life.

Easing herself down onto the swing, she lifted her feet and let the natural force of gravity gently rock her back and forth.

She didn't know how it had happened, but time had simply slipped by. And with each passing month, each passing year, the education she so desperately wanted seemed to drift farther and farther from her reach. And now, more than eight years after she should have earned her high school diploma, she was frightened that she might try to go after it… and fail.

To fail at the one thing she so badly wanted would be the ultimate humiliation. No, she thought, dipping her gaze to the ground and inhaling deeply to hold back the panic– failing would be horrible, but knowing that the man you loved thought you were a failure... now
that
would be the worst. That would be unbearable.

But Joshua already knows that you're afraid to try
. The silent, heart-wrenching words mocked her viciously.
That makes you a failure
.

"Hey."

Lifting her face, she saw him standing in front of her. The gentleness in his voice, in his dark, attractive eyes, nearly made her cry. She was too darned emotional these days. She pressed her lips together and raised her brows in a querying manner.

"The three of us had fun playing catch." One corner of his mouth hitched up in a smile. "I wish you'd have felt like joining us."

Unable to get her larynx to work properly, she put on an apologetic countenance and shrugged one shoulder a fraction.

"The boys were getting hungry," he said softly, tenderly. "I told them to set up lunch and I'd come over and get you."

The sympathy she heard in his tone killed her. His anger had turned into empathy. That's why he'd invited her today, and that was why he was being so gentle and sweet right now. The last thing she wanted from Professor Joshua Kingston was his pity.

Tilting up her chin, she suddenly said, "Joshua, I'd like for you to find Andy another nanny. I think, with the way things are between you and me, that it would be best if I leave your house as soon as possible."

He looked stunned.

"Oh, please don't think I'd leave you in a lurch. I'll stay until you find someone," she assured him.

Joshua studied Cassie; her dark hair tumbling softly over her shoulders, her blue, blue eyes wide with single-minded determination, her slightly parted, coral lips. He felt that if he couldn't reach out and touch her peachy skin he'd die. But now wasn't the time.

He couldn't seem to get his thoughts in order. He knew he should be arguing with her, asking– no,
pleading
– for her to stay, but none of the words that ran through his head seemed meaningful enough.

Apologize for the mean things you said
, Andrew's high-pitched, little-boy voice announced silently in Joshua's brain, and before he could think about it, he found himself responding.

"Cassie, I'm awfully sorry for the things I said to you."

A frown of uncertainty gathered between her neat, dark brows.

"I spoke out of turn about your education," he continued. "I'd like to ask you to forgive me. I'd like for you to stay on as Andrew's nanny. You've come to mean a lot to him." And to me, he thought, but didn't think it prudent to say it just yet.

"I'm happy Andy likes having me around," she said. "I love him as much as I love Eric. But, Joshua, my lack of education is a big issue between us." She laughed ruefully. "I mean, look how we've acted all week.
Barely saying two words to one another.
You can't live like that. And besides, everything you said to me, hurtful or not,
was
the absolute truth."

"But I shouldn't have said them." His tone resonated with self-reproach.

They looked at each other through a thick fog of tension.

Finally, Andrew's voice echoed again in his head.
Butter her up
, it told him.
Tell her she's smart and nice and pretty
.

"You know," he started out slowly, "you're smart enough… just the way you are."

She made a humorless sound of incredulity. "Do you hear what you're saying? You, a college professor, are telling me that it's okay that I dropped out of high school. Come on, Joshua."

A stress-filled exhalation burst from him.

"That's not what I meant, damn it." He grasped the steel chain of the swing. "Besides, I should never have butted my nose into your business. I should never have brought home the GED information. All I succeeded in doing was to make you feel bad about yourself." He raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Cassie, I don't care whether or not you have a high school diploma."

"Of course you care," she argued. "I spend all day with your son. Me, an uneducated, uncultured–"

"You are not uncultured!" The anger that burst from him was surprising, and he took a moment to calm down before adding, "I will not allow you to put yourself down like that."

She was staring at the bare earth under her feet and he reached out and tipped up her chin. "Cassie," he began gently, "you may not have earned your diploma, but a piece of paper cannot determine a person's worth."

"It helps," she snapped.

He simply stared at her. "You have no idea, do you?" he asked, his voice taking on an unusual quality that elicited her full attention. "You have no inkling of what you have done for me. As a father, I mean. You, the uneducated person that you are," he parroted her words at her to make a point, "have taught me that there's more to being a parent than guarding your child against harm, that it's also letting go. You've improved my relationship with Andrew two hundredfold. And the change in my son is remarkable. Just look–"

"Cassie! Cassie!"

Eric's terrified scream immediately drew their attention.

"My God," Joshua whispered. "What's wrong with Andrew?"

They sprinted across the grass and Joshua reached the blanket first. Andrew looked lethargic. Joshua noticed how his son's lips were tinged blue.

"What happened?" Panic caused Joshua to shout the question at Eric.

The boy's chin quivered,
then
words rushed from his mouth. "We were
havin
' a contest to see who could take the biggest bite of sandwich. We were
laughin
' and
jokin
' around."

Cassie sat down.

"Can you breathe?" she calmly asked Andrew.

"When he started acting funny," Eric continued, although the adults no longer paid attention, "I thought he was just
trickin
' me."

"He's choking." Joshua smacked his son sharply between the shoulder blades.

"Joshua, no!"
Cassie yelled. "You'll make it worse."

She pushed Joshua out of the way and positioned herself behind Andy. With one fist balled, she placed her hands at his solar plexus and gave several sharp, upward thrusts. Joshua could only watch, horrified.

The ball of bread and cheese and lunchmeat flew from between Andrew's lips, and he instantly took a deep, ragged breath. Then he gave in to a bout of coughing before again inhaling deeply.

After several moments Cassie asked him, "You okay, now?"

Andrew
nodded,
intent on getting air into his lungs.

Cassie could actually see the relief flood through Joshua. He was such a good and loving father. She only wished he truly believed what he'd said to her a few minutes ago, that education didn't matter, that a diploma couldn't prove a person's worth.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked, hugging his son tightly.

"Yeah."
Andrew squirmed in his embrace. "
Daaaad
," he complained.

The suspenseful incident seemed to rob everyone of their appetite. But when Joshua asked if the boys would like to go home, the answer was a unanimous "No!"

"Could we go climb the monkey bars?" Andrew asked.

"You sure you're up to it? Maybe we should see the doctor."

Andrew rolled his eyes heavenward. Cassie had to laugh at this blatant sign of suffrage.

"Okay. Okay," Joshua relented. "Go play."

Cassie watched the boys scamper off toward the playground.

"I don't know how to thank you."

She turned her gaze on Joshua.

"You saved his life, you know."

"I wouldn't go that far," she said.

"The way I was pounding on him?"

Cassie shrugged, not knowing what to say.

He slid closer to her and took her hands in his, the feel of his skin against hers were deliciously warm even on this sunny day.

"Cassie, if this doesn't show you just how much you're worth," he said, his voice quiet with utter sincerity, "
then
nothing ever will."

He gently squeezed her fingers. "I mean, look at you. You dropped out of school to provide for a sick mother and a baby brother. You continued to provide, even after your mother died and you were left sole guardian of Eric. And you survived. That's success, Cassie. That's real achievement."

She searched his gaze, knowing that everything he said was true. But she'd never had anyone actually say the words out loud. Well, Mary had tried, but Cassie just hadn't been convinced. However, here was a scholarly man, a highly intelligent man, telling her she was a success. She was worthwhile. She found it overwhelming.

"Cassie," he continued, "education isn't all books and essays and diplomas. It's a constant process. Education has to do with learning new things. You've continued your education. You learned to swim so you could work as a lifeguard. You took a first-aid course. And you're constantly using the books in my library to look up one thing or another. You've been furthering your education without even realizing it."

He meant the words he was saying. She could tell from the intensity of his dark gaze. And it made her feel wonderful!

"I didn't bring you the GED information because I thought you needed it." He raised his hand to cup her cheek. "I brought it because
you
thought you needed it. You feel somehow deficient or inferior because you haven't earned your diploma. But you're neither of those things."

She tried to turn away from him, but he refused to let her.

"Cassie, you can do it," he said. "You can easily earn your GED certificate." He grinned. "It'd be a cinch with me as your coach."

"I don't know," she whispered.

"I know you're afraid. That's normal."