Nanny Piggins and the Pursuit of Justice (2 page)

And so a few short hours later Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children were sitting outside a courtroom waiting for Nanny Piggins’ case to come up before the local magistrate. Nanny Piggins was using the opportunity to practise.

‘This is ridiculous!’ yelled Nanny Piggins. ‘It’s a miscarriage of justice!’

‘You’re not going to say that to the judge, are you?’ asked Derrick.

‘The Police Sergeant did warn you that he was going on a two-week holiday,’ Samantha reminded
her, ‘and that you should try to stay out of trouble while he was away.’

‘But how was I to know that his replacement would be such a stickler for the rules?’ protested Nanny Piggins.

‘Police officers usually are,’ said Michael. ‘It’s kind of the whole point of their job.’

‘Please don’t let them send you to jail,’ sobbed Boris. ‘If you’re put away, who is going to brush all the knots out of my fur in those hard-to-reach places?’

‘Pish! They’re not going to send me to jail!’ declared Nanny Piggins. ‘I rang Isabella Dunkhurst’s office. She’s the best courtroom lawyer in the country, plus she can tap dance (for further information, see Chapter 1 of
Nanny Piggins and the Accidental Blast-off
), so I’m sure she’ll have us home in time to watch
The Young and the Irritable
.’

‘Ahem.’ A man behind them pretended to cough to get their attention. ‘I’m afraid Ms Dunkhurst could not be here today.’

Nanny Piggins, Boris and the children turned to see a very pompous but smartly dressed man, with slicked-back hair and a self-important air about him.

‘Who are you?’ asked Nanny Piggins rudely. She
did not care for men who put more oil on their hair than their salad dressing.

‘My name is Montgomery St John,’ explained Montgomery St John. ‘Ms Dunkhurst is touring Central Africa with her little dancing show at the moment. Apparently she has a large fan base in Botswana, but she left strict instructions about what to do if you should call and need legal help.’

‘She did?’ asked Nanny Piggins. ‘But how did she think that sending a pompous man with greasy hair would help me?’

‘I am the firm’s leading barrister,’ said Montgomery. ‘I have not lost a case in nine years. Rest assured I won’t have any trouble getting you out of this little difficulty.’

‘Why did you lose nine years ago?’ asked Nanny Piggins shrewdly.

‘What?’ asked Montgomery. He clearly had not been expecting this question.

‘Why did you lose the last case you lost?’ asked Nanny Piggins again.

‘Oh, there wasn’t anything wrong with my arguments,’ said Montgomery.

‘Then what happened?’ pushed Nanny Piggins.

Montgomery was starting to look a little
embarrassed. ‘I had a cold and I kept sneezing when I should have been saying “Objection!”’

‘Hmm,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Then I suppose you’ll do, as long as we keep plenty of antihistamines handy.’

‘The People vs Piggins,’ called the bailiff.

‘That’s us,’ said Montgomery. ‘We’d better go in.’

They all filed into the courtroom.

‘What defence are you going to use?’ Derrick asked Montgomery.

‘Temporary insanity,’ said Montgomery. ‘I’ll tell the judge that she is a pig and that the smell of cake makes her insane.’

‘What?!’ exploded Nanny Piggins. ‘You’ll say no such thing! The smell of cake does not make anybody insane. On the contrary, it makes you more sane. It puts everything in perspective and makes sense of the world. One whiff of that buttery cocoa-laden bliss and instantly you know there is nothing more important in the entire universe than putting that in your mouth.’

‘Yes yes, you can say that when they put you on the stand,’ encouraged Montgomery. ‘It will support my argument nicely.’

‘Hold my handbag,’ Nanny Piggins said to
Samantha. ‘I’m going to bite him.’

Fortunately for the trouser legs of Montgomery St John’s Armani suit, Nanny Piggins never got the opportunity to bite him because at that very moment the bailiff called out, ‘All rise for the Honourable Judge Birchmore.’

Everyone stood up, except Montgomery. He went very pale and started to shake. ‘That bailiff didn’t say Judge Birchmore, did he? Perhaps he said Judge Darmon or Judge Hsu?’

‘No, he definitely said Birchmore,’ Michael assured him.

‘Oh no!’ said Montgomery, beginning to tremble.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked Michael.

‘She’s awful,’ whispered Montgomery. ‘She’s so mean to everyone. The only reason I got to be senior defence counsel at our firm is because she made the last two senior defence counsels cry and quit the law forever.’

‘What did she do to them?’ asked Nanny Piggins.

‘Make rude comments about their weight?’ guessed Boris. (That always reduced him to tears.)

‘Or force them to do extra maths homework,’ guessed Michael. (That would certainly break his spirit.)

‘No, she was just plain mean,’ shuddered Montgomery. ‘The way she can yell and scream at a lawyer is horrifying. I don’t know how she does it. I think it involves circular breathing and excellent voice projection.’

Just then there was a shuffle of movement behind the magistrate’s desk.

‘She’s coming,’ said Michael.

‘You’ll have to excuse me a moment,’ said Montgomery. ‘I left my chapstick in the car.’

‘What?’ protested Nanny Piggins.

But Montgomery St John had already sprinted out of the courtroom.

‘He is coming back, isn’t he?’ worried Samantha.

‘Of course,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘He’s a professional lawyer. He can’t just run away from the courtroom.’

Unfortunately Nanny Piggins’ words were immediately contradicted by what they all saw out the courtroom window. They saw Montgomery run to his expensive Italian sports car, jump in and speed away.

‘He said he left the chapstick in his car, not his house, didn’t he?’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘Silence in the court,’ called the bailiff.

They turned and looked at Judge Birchmore. She seemed harmless enough to the children. She was a small wizened old lady of at least 75, perhaps even 80 years old. But Nanny Piggins was not so confident. ‘I don’t like this,’ she whispered.

‘You’re worried because your defence lawyer just ran away,’ guessed Michael.

‘No, I’m worried that the judge is so thin,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘She clearly hasn’t had a slice of cake in decades. And if she doesn’t eat cake, how can I bribe her?’

Judge Birchmore looked up from her papers and peered out at the courtroom, her gaze resting on Boris. ‘Why is that bear crying?’ she demanded.

Nanny Piggins stood up. ‘Because he is worried that I may be sent to jail, your Justiceness.’

Judge Birchmore peered over her glasses at Nanny Piggins. ‘Well
he’ll
be sent to jail himself if he doesn’t stop blubbering in my courtroom.’

‘Michael, perhaps you’d better take Boris outside,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Being Russian, I don’t think he is capable of going through a whole court case without crying. And I don’t think prison food would agree with him. I doubt they would supply bear-sized portions.’

Michael led the weeping Boris away.

‘Where’s your lawyer?’ demanded Judge Birchmore.

‘He ran away,’ said Nanny Piggins truthfully.

‘Hmm,’ said Judge Birchmore reading over her papers. ‘Given the litany of charges against you, that seems only sensible.’

‘Don’t worry, your Honourableness, I am fully prepared to defend myself,’ said Nanny Piggins confidently.

Judge Birchmore peered over her glasses again. ‘Really?’ she asked, smiling the way a crocodile might smile just before it bites off your leg. ‘You are aware of the saying that anyone who defends themself has a fool for a client?’

‘Well that wouldn’t be true in my case, would it?’ said Nanny Piggins, ‘because clearly I’m not a fool, I’m a pig.’

‘Yes, well I’ve reviewed your case. It seems like a fairly simple matter of recklessly endangering the public, needlessly causing panic and violently trying to bite the shins of three separate policemen,’ said Judge Birchmore.

‘In my defence,’ interrupted Nanny Piggins, ‘my mouth was so full of cake, even if I had been able to get hold of their legs, I don’t think I could have fit their shins in my mouth.’

‘Do not interrupt me when I am telling you off!’ snapped Judge Birchmore.

‘I thought as defence attorney I was meant to defend myself,’ protested Nanny Piggins.

‘Only when I say so,’ yelled Judge Birchmore so loudly that everyone in the courtroom flinched. (It was really extraordinary that such a small and wizened woman could generate such a loud and unpleasant noise.)

‘Then that isn’t much of a defence, is it?’ argued Nanny Piggins. ‘In boxing, if someone hits you you’re allowed to hit them straight back. You don’t have to wait until they finish and tell you it’s your turn.’

‘This is not a boxing match!’ hollered Judge Birchmore.

‘I wish it was,’ muttered Nanny Piggins. ‘I know who would win.’

‘I’ve never heard such insolence!’ exclaimed Judge Birchmore.

‘Then you obviously haven’t been listening properly,’ said Nanny Piggins.

‘I was going to let you off with a warning,’ screamed Judge Birchmore, ‘but now I’m going to give you one hundred hours community service!’

‘But you haven’t let Nanny Piggins present her defence yet!’ protested Derrick.

‘Haven’t I?’ Judge Birchmore looked at the bailiff.

The bailiff looked intimidated, but he was a brave man, having been in the marines for twenty years, so he found the courage to shake his head ever so slightly.

‘Very well,’ said Judge Birchmore. ‘What’s your defence?’

‘My defence against the charge of public endangerment is that it is all a load of piffle,’ stated Nanny Piggins.

‘That is not a proper legal argument!’ berated Judge Birchmore.

‘But it’s the truth,’ Nanny Piggins assured her. ‘I am an international circus megastar. There’s no way I’d ever fall off a tightrope onto the heads of the crowd beneath and crush them to death, no matter how windy it was. Especially not when there was a delicious chocolate cream cake to be eaten.’

‘The deliciousness of the cake is immaterial to this court case,’ yelled Judge Birchmore.

‘You only say that because you didn’t get a slice,’ argued Nanny Piggins. ‘If you let me whip up a replica cake I’m sure I can convince you otherwise.’

‘Just get on with your argument!’ screamed
Judge Birchmore.

‘Do you think the judge is so cranky because she is worried she’ll miss
The Young and the Irritable
too?’ wondered Derrick.

‘My defence against the charge of resisting arrest,’ continued Nanny Piggins, ‘is that the police really should be thanking me for the opportunity I gave them. Arresting an elite athlete like me actually proved to be an invaluable training exercise for the officers involved, and a much better use of their time than hanging out in the doughnut shop chatting up the cashier, which I happen to know was all they were doing at the time, because I saw them when I was up on the tightrope.’

The police officers, who were sitting in court waiting to give evidence, all blushed. They had indeed been in the doughnut shop, but it was not their fault. There is something universal about wearing a blue uniform that makes a person crave deep fried, jam-filled cake.

‘All right, I’ve heard enough!’ shrieked Judge Birchmore. ‘I sentence you to 200 hours community service.’

‘I know maths isn’t my strong suit,’ said Nanny
Piggins, ‘but didn’t that figure just go up?’

The children nodded.

‘But that’s unfair!’ protested Nanny Piggins. ‘All I did was walk across a hose pipe and eat a slice of cake. Since when is that a crime?’

‘Since I said it is!’ yelled Judge Birchmore, ‘and I’m adding contempt of court to your list of misdemeanours! So that’s 300 hours community service.’

‘I don’t have contempt for the court!’ declared Nanny Piggins. ‘I only have contempt for you!’

Everyone in the room gasped.

‘You obviously have no idea how to bake a cake yourself,’ continued Nanny Piggins, ‘or you wouldn’t be so short and skinny.’

Judge Birchmore was now shaking with rage. ‘That’s it!’ she declared. ‘I am giving you five thousand hours community service!’

Now everyone in the courtroom gasped. Even the blushing police officers. They had actually quite enjoyed arresting Nanny Piggins. It was much more exciting than telling off shoplifters or giving out speeding tickets. They did not want to see her get in that much trouble.

But the Judge’s decision was final. She slammed her gavel onto her desk.

Fortunately for Nanny Piggins, Judge Birchmore immediately got up and turned to leave the room so she did not see Nanny Piggins lunge across the court in a last minute attempt to bite her scrawny shins, or that it took all three children, Boris and the bailiff to drag her out of the courtroom.

‘At least she didn’t send you to jail,’ said Samantha later that afternoon, as they all sat around their kitchen table feeling gloomy.

‘Hah!’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘A jail sentence is nothing! You’re forgetting I escaped from the circus. So it would take much more than a twelve-foot-high electrified cyclone fence and guards with machine guns to hold me.’