Nanny X (13 page)

Mayor Osbourne, who showed up at the police station
at the same time we did, said something about Applesauce King, an environmentally friendly applesauce company, but nobody was listening to him anymore. As we left the police station we passed the lady from the protest, who said she'd just heard there was a possible opening for the position of mayor and she would like to be considered for the job.

Stinky gave her the thumbs-up sign. Mayor Osbourne did not.

“We'd better get going,” Boris said, putting a hand on Stinky's shoulder. “I don't want to get in trouble with your mother two times in the same day.”

“Wait,” Stinky said. He held up something round that looked nothing like a coconut. “Look what Chief Grummel gave me: I got my rock back.”

“Is it a real geode?” Jake asked.

“I don't know yet.”

Nanny X reached into the diaper bag and pulled out what looked like a set of nail clippers. But it had other attachments, too; one of them was a hammer.

“Perfectly balanced,” she said, handing it to him.

Stinky put the rock on the sidewalk outside the police station and gave it one good crack. The rock split. Inside, it resembled one of Big Adam's coconuts—one that had been filled with diamonds.

“Quartz,” Stinky said. “It's a good one!”

He handed me one of the halves. If you held it a certain way, it looked like a glass castle.

“It's really beautiful,” I said.

“I want you to have it,” said Stinky. He picked up the other half and gave it to Jake.

“Thanks,” we said.

“You're welcome,” said Stinky. He looked at Eliza. “I'm sorry there weren't more pieces,” he said.

“She would have just tried to eat it, anyway,” I said. “When she's older, she can share mine.”

We walked together until we reached the corner of Hummel Street, where it was time to part ways.

“Come,” Boris said. “I'll make you dinner.”

“Please, can we have something other than lentils?” Stinky asked.

Boris smiled. “You've been through an ordeal today,” he said. “Tonight I will make my special jerk chicken.”

For Stinky, that was as good as a happily ever after.

“See you,” I said.

“See you,” Stinky said.

He paused and got all serious. I thought for a minute he might even say something mushy. Instead he said: “Don't forget to recycle.”

“You, too.”

Then we all got the giggles, and we would have kept on giggling except Nanny X said we had to get out of there lickety-split because we needed to finish our schoolwork before our parents came home.

Even at Nanny X speed, we were behind. “You do your homework. I'll make the dinner. Your parents will be here in twenty-seven minutes.”

“We're not having lentils, are we?” I asked, just to make sure Boris hadn't rubbed off on her.

“Or anchovies?” Jake added.

Nanny X smiled. “How about spaghetti and meatballs?”

Jake and I nodded, though I wasn't sure how he could eat anything after all of those coconut smoothies.

“Good,” she said. “Now go.”

Jake and I ran upstairs and did the rest of our homework. We were back in the kitchen by 6:33.

“I'll set the table!” I said.

“I'll help!” said Jake.

“I knew I could count on you.” Something about the way Nanny X looked at us made me think she was talking about a lot more than just getting ready for dinner. She smiled again, a big, bright smile that lit up her whole face. I smiled back.

At 6:42 on the nose our parents walked into the house.

I ran up and gave them both a giant hug before they even made it out of the hallway. So did Jake. Eliza grabbed their knees and looked up at all of us. “Mamamamamamamama,” she said.

“That's some greeting,” my father said.

“You'll be happy to know that your friend Daniel is out of jail,” my mother said. “Of all the ridiculous—arresting a child. I don't know what kind of power-hungry—but it did make for an interesting first day of work. How was your day?”

“Interesting,” I said.

“Tundra,” said Jake.

Nanny X came to the doorway of the kitchen. If you didn't know better, you'd have thought she was a regular nanny. “Well,” she said. “If you won't be needing me anymore, I'll be on my way.”

My father sniffed the air and followed his nose into the kitchen, and my mother followed him.

“We do need you!” Jake said.

Nanny X looked at him, and then at me. I nodded. So did she. Because the thing is: I think Nanny X needed us, too.

I wanted to ask if she was scared when Big Adam tied her up.

I wanted to ask how she knew the diaper would explode at just the right moment, and if she and Boris had ever worked together before, and if she knew that Jake and I would be able to figure out all of the things we'd figured out, and what kind of a hat she was going to get next.

But mostly I wanted to know if Nanny X was coming back.

“Get plenty of rest tonight,” she said as she grabbed her motorcycle jacket. “You never know what tomorrow may bring.”

She picked up her diaper bag and slung it over her shoulder. Jake and I followed her onto the porch and watched her walk out into the evening.

“Kids!” our mother yelled from the kitchen. “Come sit down to dinner. I want to tell you all about my new job.”

“I want to tell you about mine,” I said quietly, more to Jake than to her. He looked at me and grinned. The two of us stood at the door long enough to watch Nanny X climb into her minivan. She waved at us through a pair of fuzzy dice that were hanging from her mirror, and gunned the motor twice.

“We forgot to talk to her about being inconspicuous,” Jake said.

“We'll talk to her about it tomorrow,” I told him. “She's coming back tomorrow.”

Then we both went inside to eat our spaghetti before it got cold.

By Jake Pringle

1. Buy some breakfast cereal. Round is best.

2. Fill bowl with milk and put it on one side of the table.

3. Sit down on the
other
side of the table. Using your fingers, flick balls of cereal toward milk.

4. If ball lands on table, it's a base hit. If ball lands on floor, it's a foul. If ball lands in milk, it's a home run.

5. Three foul balls equal one out.

6. If ball hits dad or sisters, it equals one out.

7. If ball hits mom or nanny, it equals two outs.

8. Don't forget to clean up foul balls, or else you might never play again.

Use two slices of bread—whole grain preferred.

Slather one side with peanut butter.

Place five to six anchovies directly on the peanut butter.

Voilà! Lunch is served!

Please note: One tablespoon of peanut butter should have about 4 grams of protein. Each anchovy provides 1 extra gram of protein.

By Alison Pringle

1. Paint your nails a super dark color so that everyone can see if you're biting them.

2. Wear gloves. (I should have tried this in January instead of spring.)

3. Wear socks on your hands at night. (January is best for this, too.)

4. Hot pepper.

5. Pick a nail, like your pinky, to be your “safe nail,” but keep biting the others. At the end of the week, add another safe nail, and so on.

6. Tie knots.

7. Tie more knots.

8. Wear bandages on all of your fingers.

Note: This makes it difficult to tie knots. It makes it even more difficult to untie them.

Start out with about 2 ounces of coconut meat, fresh or frozen.

Add ⅓ cup milk, 5 tablespoons coconut cream, ¼ cup sweetened condensed milk, and ¼ teaspoon vanilla.
*

Add three or four ice cubes and blend until smooth.
**
Makes 1 large serving.

*
Fresh ingredients may not be immediately available if you happen to be confined in the federal prison system.

**
Blenders may not be available, either.