Near & Far (29 page)

I let all of that digest before replying. “Shouldn’t they? I mean, aren’t we all shaped by our experiences and biases?”

“Yes, of course, and someone who truly knows and loves you will give you advice, but it will be after taking
you
into consideration, not
themselves
.”

Well, crap. That made a whole lot of sense. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you’ve given this so much thought.”

“I give everything a whole lot of thought. Especially when it’s related to you and me.”

“I’m such an under-thinking slacker,” I muttered, tearing a corner off one of Jesse’s maple bars. The non-bacon corner.

“No, you’re not. I’m just a paranoid over-thinker.”

“Maybe just a little.” I pinched the air in front of him, making him laugh.

“Come here.” He kissed me softly, barely a peck, but it felt so damn good. “Just be careful who you open up to. That’s all I’m saying. In fact, that’s what I should have just said instead of giving you a five-minute presentation.”

“Wait, are you now telling me to not open up so much? Is this the same guy who, not even a year ago, was hounding me for two months straight about opening up and letting people in?”

Jesse gave me a
Give me a break
look. “I’m saying there are extremes on either end of the opening up spectrum. Being at the so-open-your-brains-are-going-to-fall-out spot is just as unhealthy as opening up for no one, not even yourself.”

I pulled another piece of maple bar and popped it into my mouth, giving Jesse’s words some thought. I saw his point—I always did—but I couldn’t get completely on board with it. I talked about Jesse with friends and acquaintances because he played such an important role in my life. What could I do if those people took it upon themselves to offer their two cents worth? Stuff a sock in their mouths? Clamp my hands over my ears and walk away? No. People liked to give advice; that was human nature. As the saying went,
Opinions are like assholes; everyone’s got one
. So what if someone offered me some misguided advice? I didn’t have to listen and let it affect my relationship with Jesse.

I hadn’t been doing that . . .

Or had I?

Everything became a bit blurred the longer I thought about it, so I decided to shelve it and come back to it later. Too much thinking, not enough kissing.

“It seems I’m destined to be unhealthy no matter what I do. I think I need help,” I teased, though only partly so. Everyone needed a little, or in my case,
a lot
, of help to get through life.

“That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help you when and if you need it.”

I twisted in the booth to make sure I was looking at him straight on. “You know that goes both ways right? I’m here to help you when and if you need it. And maybe even if you won’t admit you need help, I’ll do it anyways because I’m all pushy like that.” My words made Jesse’s forehead wrinkle, as I’d expected they would. I should have just leaned in and kissed him. Kissed the living breath out of him. Kissed him until he forgot who he was and where he was.

I should have, but the moment passed us by when the door jingled open again.

“That would have been one hell of a kiss,” Jesse said, his eyes dropping to my mouth.

“Probably the kiss to end all kisses.” I played along. “Eat your bacon maple bars and I’ll go help the customers, and then maybe we can pick up right where we almost left off.” I winked as I slid out of the booth.

Jesse groaned in torture.

I laughed and glanced at the customer heading toward us. “Hey, you’re early.”

“I’d say I’m too late,” Mar replied, inspecting the empty baggies on the table. From the looks of it, she’d had a shower. Well, and from the smell of it, too. A woman’s shelter nearby opened up once a week to offer showers, lunch, and an activity to the homeless in the city. I’d looked it up and told Mar about it, and she’d been going for the past few weeks. I think the weekly showers were the only reason Sid allowed her in the shop.

“Don’t worry. We saved you some. And this is great timing because I really wanted you to meet someone.”

“Who? The boy I’ve been warning you against settling down with? Sure, I’ll meet him. I’ll tell him to get lost unless he wants to see your future ruined.”

My mouth opened in shock. Mar had said some odd things in my weeks of knowing her, but never anything quite so cruel. Jesse, who was back to working on the apple, went rail stiff in the booth. Obviously her words had shocked him as much as they had me.

“Um . . . maybe you should leave, Mar?” I didn’t want to manhandle her out, but I would if she didn’t leave.

“No. Why doesn’t he?”

I glanced at Jesse, who was slowly twisting in his seat. When his eyes locked on Mar, his entire face fell and went ash white. His hands curled into fists and it looked like he’d stopped breathing. He didn’t just look like he was staring at a ghost . . . he looked like he was staring at the devil.

“What’s the matter with you, boy? Dumb as you look? Or do you know that I’m right and you’re going to do nothing but drag this girl down with you?”

“Mar. Leave.” I motioned toward the door, keeping one eye on Jesse.

He was still frozen, but he blinked a couple of times like he was trying to clear his vision. When he stopped blinking and saw that Mar was still hovering in front of him, he shoved out of the seat so fast he was a blur. His eyes dropped from Mar as he lunged away from her, keeping as much distance as he could. He headed for the door.

“Jesse!” I called, but it was like he couldn’t hear me. It was like I wasn’t even there. He was in another world, and even I couldn’t get through to him. “Jesse, stop!” He shoved through the door and broke into a run the instant he was outside.

“Jesse? Is that his name?”

I nodded automatically, biting my lip. Tears were already welling. I had no idea what had happened or how to make it right.

Mar huffed. “Small world. I had a son named Jesse. He was just as worthless as your Jesse, so I suppose we’ve got something in common.”

My breath caught at the same time my legs wobbled. Something hit me with such force, I almost fell to my knees. Something, so intense I had to wrap my arms around my stomach, told me why Jesse had just behaved the way he had.

“Mar? How old is your son?” I bit the inside of my cheek and focused on the spot where Jesse had just been because I couldn’t look at her.

“Hell if I know. I got rid of him years ago,” she snapped.

Bile rose up my throat. I felt the chunks of maple bar begging to come out. I had to grip the edge of the table to keep from going down. Oh my god. What had I done? “How old was he when you . . . when you . . .”—I couldn’t make myself repeat her words—“ . . . saw him last?”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Mar’s head start to bob. “Five years old.”

That was when I lost it. My dinner, the tears I’d been holding back, my composure, my strength. I lost it all right there on the floor of Mojo Doughnuts.

I’D KNOWN DARKNESS in my life.
That
though, that was something else completely.

After Sid peeled me off the floor at Mojo, he had to hold me back. As soon as I saw Mar’s face, my strength surged into my muscles ten times over. I suppose it was a good thing Sid held me back. If I had gotten my hands on Mar, I don’t know if I would have been able to stop. I didn’t know the finer details of the abuse Jesse underwent as a young boy, but I knew enough to know that people who’d done those things to him should be serving life sentences or rotting away in an unmarked grave. My fists wanted to deal out a sentence right then, but after shrieking that I’d been possessed by the dark man—or some crazy other shit—Mar scurried out of Mojo.

I knew she didn’t have a clue why I’d transformed into a wild person wanting to wrap my fingers around her neck. She didn’t know the young man she’d insulted was the baby she’d given birth to twenty years ago. I knew that when she’d looked into his eyes, the same flicker of recognition that flashed in Jesse’s wasn’t in hers. She hadn’t even known the flesh and blood she’d abused was right in front of her. That right there, that she’d already forgotten the face of the person who’d never be able to forget her face, sent me over the edge. That was when Sid almost lost his hold on me.

Once Mar was gone, I calmed down, although not a lot. After telling Sid an emergency had come up and I needed to cut out early, I grabbed my purse and phone and called Jesse. I must have called him close to a hundred times with no answer. As soon as his voice mail picked up, I hit redial. I did that the entire bike ride back to my apartment. I knew it was unlikely he’d be there, but at least I could ditch my bike and borrow Alex’s El Camino for my search.

I tried to keep my mind focused on the ride, avoiding potholes, and getting a hold of Jesse, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Mar. I couldn’t comprehend how the minuscule chance of running into my boyfriend’s abusive birth mother—who, by the way, was a homeless lunatic—had worked its way into my life. I tried to steer clear of those thoughts, but I couldn’t help feeling like wherever I went, bad shit followed. How else could I explain what had happened?

A coincidence?

A small world?

Not even. It had happened because the nasty things of the universe were attracted to me. Even though my views on myself might have changed, that didn’t mean what followed me had. I’d brought that on Jesse because I was . . . cursed. I brought it on him because I’d let someone I knew nothing about into my life, and I’d given her a front row seat to the intimate, special pieces of it. I’d opened up too much and, like Jesse had said, it was just as unhealthy as the other way around. But my error hadn’t hurt me the way it had hurt him. I felt like a mini wrecking ball was going to work on my insides—one bone at a time, one organ right after the other—but I knew after witnessing the look on Jesse’s face, my pain was nothing compared to his.

I’d been crushed. He’d been
ruined
.

As I pedaled into my apartment complex, I tried to push all thought from my mind. All the regret, the what-ifs, and what-nows. I needed to focus on finding Jesse. That was all that mattered. Finding him and offering him whatever comfort he’d accept from me at that point. I didn’t bother to lock up my bike. I just rushed to the door, fumbling around for my keys.

The door swung open before I could get my key in the lock. Alex pulled me inside, looking frantic. “Oh, god, Rowen. I was just getting ready to call you. Shit, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just got home a few minutes ago. The front door was open, so I thought maybe someone had broken in.” My heart was in my throat as Alex and I rushed through the apartment. “I was checking all the rooms, all the closets . . . and that’s when I found him.”

“Is he still here? Where’s Jesse?”

Alex’s head bobbed as she pointed down the hallway. “In your room. Something’s wrong, Rowen. He isn’t saying anything. I don’t think he even knew I was in front of him when I found him. I was about to call 911.”

“I got this, Alex. Thank you.” I gave her a quick side hug before running down the hallway.

“What’s wrong, Rowen? What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain later,” I said because, even if I knew how to fully explain it all right then, which I didn’t, there wasn’t time. I needed to get to Jesse. I needed to know if the damage I’d unwillingly inflicted could ever be undone.

I paused just long enough outside my bedroom door to suck in a deep breath. I knew I would need it, and I didn’t know when I’d be able to breathe deeply again. Stepping inside, I didn’t need to scan the room to find him. My eyes found him like they were trained to find nothing else. What I saw made me wish I’d never been born with the gift of sight. I would swear that going through life blind would be better than having to live with that image of Jesse.

He was pressed into the back corner of my room, his back fitted tightly into it. His head was curled into his bent knees, and his arms were limp at his sides. He wasn’t moving. The only sign of life was the infinitesimal rising and falling of his back.