Nearest Thing to Crazy (39 page)

‘With your baby?’

‘Yes, Cass. With my baby. To be honest, I didn’t believe her. I thought perhaps she was just saying she was pregnant to blackmail me into doing something stupid. She became hysterical, threatened to tell you, said she wanted to make a life with me, how we’d be perfect together. But that was never going to happen. I walked away. I didn’t hear from her for three or four months, and then I got a phone call. She was in hospital in London and she wanted me to go, to be with her. You see, the baby had died inside her. I think she was about seven months gone, so she had to go through the birth. She wanted me with her and I just felt I should be there. It was all so sad. No matter how I felt about her, it was our baby.’

I think I let out a little yelp of pain.

‘It was horrible. Just horrible. You can’t imagine . . . But you know, what I still feel really guilty about is that I felt a sense of relief that I wouldn’t have this terrible secret in the world that would threaten me . . . you . . . us, forever.’

How ironic, I thought. ‘Go on,’ I said. I wanted to feel numb, to convince myself that I was listening to a story being told by a stranger about people I didn’t know. I was morbidly fascinated to know what happened next. I
had
to know.

‘We kept in touch for a bit, or rather she did – I didn’t contact her. Phone calls, the odd letter or postcard, and then she met someone and that was that. I felt free at last. I never wanted to hear from her again. Like I said, I’d always had this feeling that she was a bit crazy.’

‘So when she turned up here?’

‘I swear to you, Cass, I had no idea. I swear on Laura’s life, I couldn’t have been more shocked that day. I hadn’t had any contact with her for fifteen years, maybe.’

‘You hid it well,’ I said, drily.

‘Because I felt my life depended on it.’

‘But she knew about me, about my depression.’

He nodded. ‘I must have talked about it at the time. I was worried about you. She was sympathetic. It was good to have someone to talk to.’

‘Did you tell her about Laura? About how she was conceived?’ Again he hung his head and was silent for a few moments before he answered. ‘Yes,’ he said so faintly it was just a hiss.

‘I see.’

‘When she was pregnant. I tried to make her see sense. To understand what it would do to you, knowing . . . well, I don’t need to go into details, do I?’

‘No. But it gave her a weapon, didn’t it.’

‘Oh yes. She had plenty of those.’

‘So what happened, when she came here? After that first lunch at
Sally’s?’

‘I went to see her. We got into a fight.’

‘Did it get physical?’

‘Yes.’

‘Did you put those marks on her neck? The marks she showed me?’

‘Oh God . . . yes . . . I suppose . . . you see, I told her to go. I told her that I’d do something to her if she didn’t get out of our lives. I was desperate. But she just laughed at me, and said she’d got plans. And that if I got in her way then she’d tell you everything.’

‘Why did you ask her to lunch?’

‘She insisted. She was blackmailing me, Cass, through you and Laura.’

‘How could you have been so bloody weak?’

‘Because I thought I could deal with it. That she’d get bored and leave.’

‘And were you having an affair with her – recently, I mean?’

‘No, Cass. I wasn’t. I absolutely swear I wasn’t. God, I hate the woman. But I couldn’t let that show, or she would have carried out her threats. And then she was getting so involved with Laura, and Laura was liking her so much. I was trying to work out what to do. And then it seemed like you were going crazy. Oh Cass, I know I behaved terribly. That it all went so bloody wrong. But she was just toying with me and I honestly thought she’d get bored and go away.’

‘So – the lost dog?’

‘A ruse, to get me on my own. And you have to believe me when I say that a lot of the time I wanted to get her on her own so that I could try and make her stop what she was doing.’

‘And lunch in Birmingham?’

‘She insisted.’

‘And the book, did you believe me?’

‘I don’t know . . . yes . . . I suppose . . . I knew it was just the kind of thing she’d do. You don’t know, Cass, but every time you talked to me about something she’d done, I went to see her to tell her to lay off. And every time you reacted to what she was doing, it was like she was winning – so I didn’t want you to react, don’t you see? And if you didn’t react, if you just ignored it all, I thought she might just give up and go away. And then with the stuff going on with you, the drinking, trashing the house . . . God forgive me, but I began to get confused. I began to wonder if you really were going crazy, when probably the one who was really crazy in all of this was me.’

‘And her,’ I said, flatly. ‘So what now, Dan?’

‘Now you know everything she has no weapons. We can deal with her.’

‘You could have told me all of this before, and she would have had to stop.’

‘But then I might have lost you. And I didn’t want that. I love you, Cass. I always did. I just wish you’d believed it.’

‘People in love don’t have affairs.’

He shrugged, the helpless little boy again. ‘I can’t explain or excuse it. It happened. And I have regretted it every day of my life.’

‘Tell me something else, Dan. Why were you so set on me telling Laura the truth? Why did you punish me over the fact that I was keeping a secret when you were carrying all that?’

‘Because I thought if you told Laura, then some of the threat from Ellie would be removed. A weapon taken away from her.’

‘I see.’

We both fell into a silence, but the air felt heavy with unspoken thoughts. I was thinking about what she’d said, at that lunch, about how she had a gift for uncovering people’s secrets, about how she liked the really big ones, and how she could use them. We were so busy using secrets to protect ourselves that we couldn’t see just how much damage they could do, what weapons they could turn into. We were all guilty in some way – me, Dan, Laura – even my mother deceiving herself about my father’s suicide. Maybe if we had been honest, all of us, then we’d have been safe. Maybe, maybe not. There was too much to think about, too many open wounds to know what would happen to us, whether we could weather this. To know whether or not I could forgive Dan. I think it wasn’t so much the affair that made me hurt so deeply inside, not the physical betrayal, but the mental betrayal. That Dan could let me believe I was going insane in order to protect himself. Because no matter what he said, I couldn’t understand how he could do that out of love for me. But maybe I’d need time to work that one out, and for now we needed to deal with Ellie.

CHAPTER

23

‘Do you see now why I needed to talk to you, to tell you all this, the real story? I know how plausible Cassandra can be. But you needed to know the facts of what really happened. You must be really glad, now, that you agreed to see me. It wasn’t easy. I mean, if I hadn’t been so tenacious, pestering your secretary, you could easily have missed all of this. I’m sure you realize now just why I was so insistent, why it was so important.’

‘Oh yes, Miss Black . . . Ellie. I can see why you wanted to tell me your story. It’s been a very interesting diversion.’

‘A diversion? Surely it’s more than that. Diversion implies that you don’t quite believe what I’m telling you. And I can assure you that all of this – my story, as you term it – is the truth. I can’t believe you – a professional with your credentials and qualifications – would be taken in by a psychotic woman. I know she’s manipulative, but surely you, of all people, can see through her. I wouldn’t insult your intelligence by suggesting you couldn’t.’

‘No, I’m sure you wouldn’t. And you’re right. I am more than able to see through the manipulations of psychotic women.’

‘So you can imagine why I was so surprised – shocked, even – when I heard that you had released Cassandra from hospital so quickly. It just doesn’t seem right, given that she is so obviously crazy. Sorry, that’s not a very scientific expression is it? I think her husband is unreliable in his judgement. I think he’s under some threat from her, or maybe he feels some misguided sense of obligation to her, I don’t know. It’s hard to say, isn’t it? – what someone like that can do . . . can threaten. But I’m worried about them. Naturally I am, because I care. And I’m deeply worried about Laura, whether she’s going to be safe. And that’s without reiterating what she did to me. And I can’t feel safe if she’s in the community, can I? And if anything happened I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be held professionally responsible. Obviously you’ll now feel that you’ve got to reconsider your decision in the light of all this – your decision about letting her out, that is.’

‘I want to thank you for all your time, for telling me all of this.’

‘Well, thank you, Doctor. I was concerned that with patient confidentiality and all of that, you wouldn’t be able to talk to me. But in all the circumstances, and I suppose given that Cass is a threat, then you’re allowed to break that.’

‘I haven’t broken any patient confidentiality. I have merely listened to your story, so I’ve been able to piece a few things together.’

‘So will you be . . . ? Forgive me . . . I can’t think of a sensitive way to put this . . . locking her up? For all our safety. I don’t need to remind you of what she did to me.’

‘No, I won’t be locking her up.’

‘But why? Don’t you fear that you might be being negligent – I mean, professionally negligent. That if anything goes wrong you might be at the wrong end of a law suit?’

‘No. I have no fears in that direction.’

‘You have to be joking.’

‘I wouldn’t jest about something this serious, believe me.’

‘So all I’ve told you, all this time I’ve spent in here, telling you everything, has been a complete waste of both our times. Is that what you’re saying, Doctor?’

‘No. It hasn’t been a waste of time at all. Miss Black . . . Ellie, you are a very convincing woman, and I admire your intelligence, I really do.’

‘Thank you. But why do I feel there’s a sting in the tail, Doctor?’

‘Ah, yes. The sting. And perceptive, too. I’ve got another of your stories here. Mrs Burton passed it to me.’

‘Mrs Burton?’

‘Yes. Look, here’s the title page, which you’ll no doubt recognize . . .
Gaslight
by Eleanor Black
.
Your novel, I believe. I’ve read it, of course.’

‘Let me see that – where did you get it? . . . I don’t understand .

‘Mrs Burton’s daughter found it – I believe you allowed her access to your computer and she happened to stumble across it. Which is quite a good thing, really, in the circumstances, because otherwise poor Mrs Burton might be in the unfortunate position of not being believed – which I think is what you intended.’

‘I’ve never seen this before . . .’

‘My dear Miss Black . . . Ellie . . . as the old saying goes, you can fool some of the people
some
of the time . . . but you can’t fool me.’

‘What do you mean? Are you saying that you are going to believe
her
over
me?
She must have somehow put this on my computer. I’ve never seen it before. She could easily have done that, uploaded it without my knowledge. She broke into my house, my laptop was there . . . she had every opportunity to have access to it. My God she’s clever . . . really clever. You’ve got to believe me. Otherwise I’m terrified of what she’s going to do next.’

‘Ellie, it’s time to stop. Not only have I read your novel, but I’ve also read some patient notes of yours. I had them sent to me from your doctor in London. It took a bit of tracking down, but we managed it in the end. Mr Burton knew where you’d given birth, so we followed the paper trail from there. You were diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder, or Sociopathy . . . Psychopathy in common parlance, weren’t you, my dear? After the loss of your baby. Tragic for you. It’s all here, your description of Dan not letting you see your daughter – transcribed from a tape recording, I believe.’

‘I never had a baby. I don’t understand any of this. This is crazy, really insane. Can’t you see, it’s all a pack of lies. There aren’t any medical notes, I’m not a psychopath. You’ve got to see, you have to believe me. Cass and Dan, they’ve concocted all this between them.’

‘Ellie, it’s time to stop all this if we’re to have any chance of helping you.’

‘But can’t you see? – I don’t need any help. It’s not me that needs the help. How can you be so blind . . . so stupid?’

‘If you continue to resist, to be in a state of denial, then there is nothing I can do to help. I’d like to refer you to someone.’

‘But don’t you see . . . it’s not me, it’s her. You’ve got it all wrong. Why won’t you just listen to me? . . . You’ve got to believe me . . .’