Need Us (2 page)

Channing

My eyes open and I wish I were dead. This happens every day I wake up with the bitch. Most days I can turn it off, all the emotions inside of me that want out. I hold them in and I don’t feel anything.

It happens every day, no matter how hard I try to make it not so. I wish she didn’t exist, I wish I didn’t exist. I want to crawl inside of myself and implode. My other half was ripped away from me. I feel like I was holding on to her so hard but it wasn’t enough. She just gently took her arm out of my hold and walked away.

She didn’t even look back.

Fucking bitch.

I thought I would get over it. Forget what it was like to be with her. How happy she made me, and in my life it’s always hard to be happy. I have more to be happy about now than I used to, but it’s still not enough.

I need her, I love her, and I want her. Where is she? I have no idea. She broke me into a million pieces, packed her shit and left. She left me in a house that she picked out, her memory following me around like a fucking ghost. So I sold it and burned everything she left behind. It didn’t help.

You’d think after a year it wouldn’t be like this. That I wouldn’t feel this much heartache and absolute misery, but I do. I can’t seem to leave it behind.

I’ve tried dating other women, I’ve tried writing about it, and hell I’ve even tried being an alcoholic. None of it worked.

I pick up my phone from the bedside table. I click on the photo app and I have to shut my eyes at the first photo. Her red hair shining in the sun, those blue-green eyes showing me her love. It wasn’t real though. It was all some twisted dream that didn’t mean anything to her.

She was my entire world. But what else is new? I just wish I could move on. I wish I could find a place in this world without the bitch beside me.

But I can’t.

I exit out of the photos. I look at them every morning and night. As much as I hate her, I still love her too. I don’t want to forget what she looks like. I don’t know why I try though, considering I still remember what she tastes like and how she feels.

I pull up my Facebook app and scroll through the newsfeed. Ashley posted a picture of her and Damien, her husband, on his bike. Her smile lights up my heart for a moment in time. I know I spent most of my life causing her pain and I wish I could take it back. But I can’t, I can only make up for it. I like the photo.

I see a post from Royal and Rachel’s mom talking about how her last baby is getting married tomorrow. I’ve never felt more happiness and dread at one time. I’m happy for Royal and Wesley. I know they postponed their wedding because of me, not that I blame them. I was a wreck around the first date. And Royal refused to get married without me standing next to him.

That bitch ruined everything.

I come across a post with Paisley tagged in it. She deleted me before I had the chance to delete her. She didn’t block me though so sometimes I get to see her posts when I feel like being a stalker. Maybe that’s my problem, I’ve always felt like a stalker when it came to her. I always wonder if she wasn’t into me as much as I was into her.

The post is by Wesley and I’m tagged in it too. She just states how excited and blessed she is. When in reality we are the blessed ones. That girl has been through enough to bring anyone to their knees and she still stands tall. Her head held high and I wish I could stand like that too but I can’t.

I get a message icon and switch over to my messenger app. It’s from Lola Montez. Lola is Ashley’s best friend. I don’t know a whole lot about her, other than she’s been with Damien’s brother for years. They are all a part of the same MC as Damien.

The message is a picture and I grit my teeth. I knew she was coming but I didn’t know how to prepare myself for seeing her. I haven’t seen a recent picture of her in months. The picture features her and her little sister BeeBee. When I first met the bitch her sister was two, now she’s seven and a little version of her older sister. They are holding hands while the bitch is on her phone. They are coming out of their grandfather’s house.

She’s already in Meadows.

Fuck.

I send Lola a quick thank you before calling Royal. I don’t know why I do; sometimes hearing his voice makes me feel better. I know no matter what he’ll be there. I have a lot more people who will be there than I did when I first got with the bitch.

Pierce, Rachel, Wesley, Ashley, Donovan and Lily.

About five seconds into my conversation with Royal, I hear loud noises coming from Pierce and Rachel’s room. When I sold the bitch and my house, I moved in with Pierce and Rachel. I could have gone back to Margret and Richard’s house but they still talk to the bitch. I don’t want to make them choose sides, so I keep a safe distance.

It’s not like I’m here all that much. Book tours and signings keep me pretty occupied. I even bought a cabin out in the middle of nowhere so I could write in peace. I’m just here now for Royal and Wesley’s wedding.

I keep banging on the wall, letting the happily married couple know that I can hear them, but the noises keep going. If they keep that up they are going to scare Asher. My poor nephew, the boy is going to be scarred for life.

After I hang up with Royal I realize the noises aren’t sex noises, they are fighting noises. I rush out of my room in nothing but my boxers and slam open their door.

Rachel stands in the bathroom door in her silky blue robe, her brown hair down and around her shoulders. Her brown eyes are full of tears that keep spilling over her lids and down her cheeks. I turn my head towards Pierce who’s only wearing jeans. He’s got scratches all over his chest and a wild look in his eyes.

Everything else in my mind goes away and I’m left with a calmness I haven’t felt in a long time. Even the happiest of couples fight. Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to wake someone up. “What’s going on?” I ask because neither of them has noticed I entered the room.

Pierce looks over at me, his green eyes bright and full of rage. His long, dirty blonde hair is tucked behind his ears though it sticks up in the back like his fingers knotted it. His chest moves up and down at in impressive rate while he answers me. “Why don’t you ask Rachel.” It’s not a question.

I look over at Rachel but she won’t meet my eyes. “What’s up, Rach?” I ask, my fists clenching against my legs.

She doesn’t answer me; she just walks into the bathroom and slams the door. Pierce growls, but that’s nothing new. Most of the time he growls instead of talking. He stalks over to the bathroom and starts hammering on the door. “You come out here and you tell him what you did! You don’t leave this on me, babe. Then you get your shit and get out!” he bellows.

My heart sinks right into my stomach. Pierce wouldn’t get mad at Rach for just anything. This is very serious.

“I’m not coming out till you leave! I don’t have to do shit!” she screams, and then something crashes in the bathroom.

Pierce steps back from the door and starts kicking it with his bare feet. It pops open and Rachel screams again and a shampoo bottle hits Pierce on the chest. He grabs her arm and pulls her out. I feel like I’m at the movies and I’m watching this all play out in front of me. I can’t move or help with anything. I’m just a prop in this play.

“Tell him!” Pierce screams this time and forces Rachel in front of him. “You tell him now because you don’t want to know what I’ll tell him. It won’t be pretty.” He growls when she tries to wrench her arm out of his hand.

I can’t even imagine what in the world she could have done. Memories fly behind my eyes and I see their life together before my eyes. Wesley stating Rachel was pregnant. Rachel saying it wasn’t her boyfriend’s, but Pierce’s. Royal punching Pierce and spitting in his face. The awkwardness of the bitch and I taking Rachel and Pierce to see his uncle, the doctor. Pierce opening the door for Rachel, holding her hand, kissing her on the neck. His face at graduation after Rachel broke his heart. The love in their eyes when they got back together. The relief on his face when Rachel agreed to marry him. The laughter filling this house when they first bought it. Pierce running right to Rachel when Annabella locked him in a room to try and talk him out of marrying Rachel. And the love surrounding them when they brought Asher home from the hospital.

“Rachel? What did you do?” I whisper still not comprehending what’s going on around me. If they fall apart, I have no hope. Rachel, Royal and I have been friends since we were five years old. Pierce is my half brother. We all make up a close-knit group and we can’t fall apart the day before Royal and Wesley’s wedding.

Tears leak down her face and she drops her weight down making her fall to the floor. Pierce lets go of her arm and stands over her. Tension lines every part of his body. “You tell him Rachel. You put it out there. You can’t hide from this. You fucked up and I can’t do anything to save you. I love you so much it fucking hurts but I can’t save you anymore! Just fucking tell him!” His tension breaks and he starts sobbing.

I see in them what I see in myself every day.

Brokenness, loss, heartache, hatred and hopelessness.

I put my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. I try not to remember the day my relationship with the bitch ended, but I know Pierce was there and his hand offered me comfort. Just like I’m doing now.

Rachel looks up at me, all those tears streaming down her face and blows my mind. “I hooked up with Donovan.”

Rachel

Have you ever done something so horrible you just wanted to lie over and die?

That’s how I’ve felt for weeks now.

It’s so hard to look at my husband. So hard to let him touch me. I just want to lie on the ground and cry my heart out. And it’s not even his fault. Court didn’t do one thing wrong to me. In fact, Court is the best fucking thing that ever happened to me. He’s my fairy tale, my happy ending.

But I fucked it all up.

Not only have I hurt him, I’ve hurt my baby boy. I messed up my entire life for no fucking reason at all.

And for what? Not a goddamn thing.

Everything you do there is a consequence. What I’ve done? It’s going to be the end of the world as I know it. As my family knows it. As my best friends know it.

I keep thinking back to five years ago when everything was different. To when Channing and Court hated each other. When Wesley and Royal hadn’t had one thought about the other. When Paisley was still an invisible heiress. I wish I could go back to those days because I know I’m about to ruin all of our lives. Sides will be chosen and people will start to hate each other.

The only person who won’t get the full effect is my baby. My Asher, the sole reason I’ve kept all this guilt inside. I used to think and say that I wouldn’t do anything to ever hurt him and yet I did. I find myself day in and day out crying my eyes out because I can’t bring myself to tell the truth. It’s slowing killing me inside. Turning me into this person, this person that I have no idea what she is.

I’m blunt and I don’t keep things inside. Not for long anyway. My whole life I’ve prided myself on being truthful and open about things. And yeah I love secrets and I have a lot of them. But these secrets, they aren’t mine. The only secret I have is this horrible thing. It’s like an open festering wound and I just want it gone.

So I’m sorry Asher, my baby. I’m sorry Momma has to hurt you. I’m sorry that I’ve hurt your Dad and your uncles and aunts. But I can’t keep this in anymore.

I blink open my eyes and turn my head to look at Court. His hand is in my panties. Even if we don’t fall asleep cuddled up, he always ends up right on me, his hands cupping my ass. I love him so much it hurts. I didn’t want to ruin this and no matter what you think of me, I didn’t set out to ruin this.

I sit up in our bed, gently taking his hand out of my underwear. I climb off and stand over it, looking down at my husband. His dirty blonde hair is long now, down to his chin. His green eyes are closed and his face is peaceful. I have a fleeting thought to keep this in forever just so he never looks different. I want him to be happy and healthy for the rest of his life.

But I can’t keep this from him anymore.

I turn and head into the bathroom. I find myself in the mirror, but is that woman really me? Her hair looks the same, dark brown and flowing around her shoulders. Though her brown eyes look sad and full of despair. The dark bags under her eyes, they mean she doesn’t get much sleep.

So yeah that woman is me. What have I become?

“G?” Court calls out from the bedroom. My toothbrush clatters to the sink and my hands grip the sink. My knees start to feel weak and my stomach is full of hundreds of bats. I think I might be sick.

When I don’t answer I hear the bed squeak a little as he gets up. I hear a drawer open and some clothes rustling. Then his beautiful face appears in the doorway. He gives me a tight smile, like he does every morning. He knows there is something wrong with me. He knows I’ve built this rift between us.

I make myself stop looking at him. If I’m looking at him then I won’t say anything. I’ll live with this shit inside of me another day. Maybe I should live with this another day. My brother is getting married tomorrow. My best friend Wesley deserves to have a peaceful day. I shouldn’t ruin that for them.

Does it make me selfish that I have to get this out? I know it doesn’t make me selfless. I’m a horrible, dirty, rotten bitch. God, how did this happen to me?

“Rach!” Court snaps and my eyes meet his. He must have been saying something. Lord knows I space out like this often. I can’t believe he hasn’t tried to drag it out of me yet. But that’s my Court. He can tell I want to work this out on my own. He’d walk through fire if I asked him to. I have never deserved him.

“I hooked up with Donovan,” I blurt and all at once the weight of the world lifts from my shoulders. I said it. It’s out there and I can’t take it back. The tension leaves my body and I lean against the sink.

Court has the opposite affect. His shoulders tense up and all the blood drains from his face. And slowly but surely the light that fills his eyes washes away. Leaving nothing but emptiness.

“What did you fucking say?” he whispers, looking at me like I’ve grown another head.

“You heard what I said.” I don’t mean for it to be snappy but it is. I don’t ever want to repeat the words that came out of my mouth. Once was enough for a lifetime.

“You…you fucked my brother?” he mutters. Where most people would stumble or falter, he stands tall. Court always takes on his problems head on. He’s been through too much to just hide away.

I gulp down trying to wet my dry throat. “I didn’t fuck him. We made out,” I tell him and I don’t know who this person is. Why do I sound so calm? Shouldn’t I be on my knees begging for forgiveness?

And I know the answer is no. If our roles were switched, I wouldn’t ever forgive him. So what’s the point of asking for it? He’ll hate me for the rest of his life. Everyone will hate me for the rest of their lives.

I’ve become Paisley Vaughn.

I shudder because now I kind of feel bad for the bitch. I know she used to be my friend but Channing was my friend first. And he definitely didn’t deserve what she did to him. Their problem could have been solved peacefully and behind closed doors. But that’s not how Paisley handled it.

Court looks at me confused. “So you ruined our marriage, our family, for a kiss? You couldn’t even bring yourself to fuck him?”

My palms start to get sweaty and my grip on the sink loosens. It’s all I can do to hold myself up. “There was more involved than a kiss, Court. His hands were in my pants.” I want to smack myself the moment those words leave my lips. It’s like my heart wants to fight with him but my brain just wants us to shut up.

Fuck when did I get so screwed up?

Court crosses the space between us and wraps his hands around my shoulders. His green eyes look down at me, tearing me up on the inside and spitting me back out. “You start from the beginning. Don’t leave a fucking detail out.”

I raise my hands to place on his chest. An automatic response to him touching me. Then I push him away. But he’s too strong for that. He doesn’t even budge. So I just drop my hands. I can’t be touching him while I tell this horrible sordid tale.

I wish I could just hang myself.

“You were always gone with football practice, games and helping out the players. And I know that’s your job, I know it’s what you do. But in my head I was alone and so incredibly lonely.” I pause as the tears start leaking down my face. This hurts so much. “Donovan had been texting me. Then he started calling me. I honestly don’t remember if I led him on. That doesn’t make sense in my head that I would do that. He’s your brother and I was trying to be his friend.”

Court places a finger under my chin and makes me look up at him. “You look me in the fucking eyes while you tell me this. You don’t get to shy away from me now. You fucking did this, so live with it.” His voice is so cold. It’s like he turned his love for me off and I’m left with growly crazy-eyed Pierce. The guy I hated in high school.

I swallow, my voice thick. “It was the night you had to go to the Ole Miss game. Your mom had Asher and Donovan invited me over for drinks. I didn’t think anything of it. It’s not like I’d been meeting him a lot or anything. At that point we hadn’t even hung out in person since he begin talking to me.” I pause. I want to space out so bad right now but I can’t. I have to tell him everything. It’s only fair. “We got drunk at this bar in Dallas. He gave me a ride home but he didn’t leave. He came inside and we sat on the couch. We couldn’t have been here for two minutes before he leaned in and kissed me.”

Court lets my arms go as the words leave my mouth. Without his support I sink to the floor. I put my head in my knees and I concentrate on breathing. I just have to breathe and this will be all over. “Keep going.”

I lift my head a little. I refuse to look at him now. I just can’t see the disappointment on his face. I can’t see the hatred, not right now. “I remember thinking it was strange because for a second I thought I was kissing you. I was shit-faced drunk but I knew he wasn’t kissing me like you do.”

“And how do I kiss you?” he asks, lowering himself on his hunches.

“Like you might die if you can’t have me,” I whisper and then I sob. How could I do this to him? How could I betray the only person who will ever love me like this? “He was calculated and he was cold. Now that I think about it, it was almost like he didn’t want to be kissing me.”

“Then why did you do it!” he bellows right in my face. I shrink back, slamming my head into the sink cabinet. “Fuck. Are you okay?” he asks, moving his hand behind my head. He massages the tiny bump.

“Yeah.” Even when I destroy his life, he’s still taking care of me. “He put his hands in my pants and I remember not liking it. He couldn’t even get me wet and I think it pissed him off. I remember the angry way he was trying to get my pants down. Then Channing pulled into the driveway. Donovan fixed my clothes and laid me down on the couch.” I clutch my robe closer to my body feeling sleazy about the whole thing. “If you believe anything at all, believe I didn’t want that to happen. To this day I don’t know what came over me. He told Channing I’d had too much to drink and left. Channing took me up to bed and when I woke up the next day I thought it was all a dream. But I saw the messages on my phone and I knew. I knew what I’d done.”

I finally find the courage to meet his eyes. The one thing I know is I have to face this. I have to pay for what I did.

I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

“I hope you know what this means. I hope I don’t have to explain it to you,” he states calm as day. It’s almost as if I’m looking and speaking to Channing. He had the same reaction to Paisley. Calm as day but you could still see the torture in his eyes.

I just nod. “I know what this means. I knew it after it happened.”

This is about the time Court differs himself from Channing. He can’t hold onto that indifferent mask. No, my Court he has a world of pain in that soul of his. He has to let it out or it will eat him alive.

“Then why the fuck did you tell me?” He stands up and punches a hole in the bathroom wall. I cover my head as a cloud of dust falls to the ground. “Why the fuck did you do this? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He screams and he screams.

There’s a banging on the wall between Channing and our rooms but we both ignore it. There is no one else in the world right now but the two of us. “I don’t know,” I whisper feeling so low, the lowest I’ve ever been.

“Tell me damn it! There is a reason you did this! You didn’t just get drunk and decide to make out with my fucking brother! You’re my goddamn wife! I thought you fucking loved me!” My ears are ringing but it’s no more than I deserve. I deserve for him to hit me, to destroy me. It’s what I’ve done to him.

“I do love you. I love you more than anything. You and Asher are my everything,” I tell him, trying to get to my feet. Maybe if I face him head on he’ll believe me.

He gets in my face and starts pointing his finger at me. “You don’t fucking love us. If you did this would never have happened.” He closes his eyes and swallows hard. Then he grabs his stomach like he’s going to be sick. I don’t blame him one bit. I’ve wanted to throw up for weeks. I even have a few times. “You didn’t think about how this would affect me. Asher. My fucking family. Do you know what this is going to do to my mother, my fucking sister? No, you don’t because you’re a selfish fucking bitch!”

“It’s all I’ve thought about for weeks,” I tell him as Channing bangs some more on the wall.

“You know, I’ve been waiting and waiting for weeks for you to leave me. I knew it was coming. I could see it in your eyes. There was something there keeping you from me. I just never thought it would be this. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that you would betray me like this.” His breathing picks up and he moves away from me to punch another hole in the wall. I see blood start to pool around his knuckles. “I never thought he would do this to me. I thought we were over it.” It being Court sleeping with Donovan’s then girlfriend Annabella.

“It had nothing to do with you. We didn’t even talk about you,” I tell him, my body slowly coming back to life as I regain some of my composure. Eventually we’ll have had enough of this fighting and I’ll have to leave. I’ll have to move back in with my parents and face their wrath every day. At this point I’ll be lucky to have joint custody of my son.

That’s when I start to get angry. I shouldn’t have to be afraid like this. I don’t even know why I am. At the end of the day Court is a wonderful, good, kind man. He’d never take my son away from me like that.

That kind of thought is what got me into this mess to begin with. “It was me and it was Donovan. We made a mistake and now we have to live with the consequences. No matter what those are.”