Nephew's Wife, The (10 page)

“Of course,” Ellen quipped, taking the tray from him.  “I’ll take this to the kitchen. You go on to work.”  She sounded annoyed, but Rand couldn’t decide if it was because of him or the whole situation.

After dinner that night, Rand went to his office to go over plans for his business trip to Paris while Ellen went upstairs with Dolly.  A couple hours later he strode upstairs to say goodnight to his aunt.

“If you had waited any longer she would have been asleep,” Ellen said when they walked out of Dolly’s room together. 

              “I lost track of time,” he apologized.  “I’ll be flying to Paris next Monday.  I’ve been scheduling meetings.”

Ellen received Rand’s news with relief. He wouldn’t be here when she went out Monday night.

They descended the stairs slowly.  Rand stopped in front of the library.

“Let’s talk in here.”

“The night’s warm,” Ellen said. “Let’s walk to the gazebo.”

They took their time. The sky was clear and full of stars.  Spring was drawing near and the air was still dry and comfortable. 

“It’s a beautiful night.” Ellen observed. “So serene and quiet.”

They took their usual spots in the gazebo. 

“You’re working too hard, Ellen.” Rand got right to the point.  “Aunt Dolly is concerned for you. She insists I make you take some time off.”

Ellen shook her head.  “Working is very therapeutic for me, Rand. I love being around Dolly.  She’s like family to me.”

              “The feeling is mutual.”

Ellen felt on the brink of tears.  “I can’t imagine spending any time away from here.”

“You’re amazing Ellen,” Rand said, shaking his head.  “The other three companions never treated Aunt Dolly with this much patience and love. They complained when they had to spend any extra time with her, and I can’t get you to take time off.”

“Taking care of people comes natural to me, I guess.”

“Maybe the trials you had growing up prepared you for helping with Paul.” Rand’s comment, gently and innocently spoken, startled Ellen.

“I suppose.” Ellen turned away to calm her rising temper.

              “You don’t like talking about him or the accident. Would it help if you did?”

“Does it help you to talk about Lana and your broken engagement?” Ellen countered.

Rand flinched, but he remained cool. He realized anger was a natural part of the grieving process.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Rand told her.  “I just think you should talk to someone.  If not me or Aunt Dolly, what about my pastor?  Losing someone you love that much can be life altering.”

Ellen leapt up.  “Please quit talking about Paul and how much I loved him! How will I ever forget that horrendous accident if I’m constantly reminded of it so much?”

Rand reared back in his chair, flabbergasted by her uncharacteristically hostile response.

Ellen realized her mistake instantly and relaxed her edginess. She stepped outside and gulped in the fresh air, sweetened by magnolias.

“I won’t mention Paul again, Ellen.” Rand glided up behind her like a ghost.

Ellen turned with a plea in her tone. “I’m trying to put all the dismal years behind me and move on. I can’t do that when everyone keeps bringing Paul up to me.” 

Chapter 8

              “Is that why there are no photos of Paul in your bedroom, Ellen?  So you can forget him?”

Ellen was horrified that Rand had noticed.

              “Yes!” She lashed out. “I put all of Paul’s photos away!  Is that so wrong? Does it make me a terrible person to hide reminders of a bad time?”

“Calm down, Ellen.” Rand put his hands on her shoulders. “I wasn’t accusing you of anything.  Everyone handles grief differently.  There are no rules.  Your emotions are still raw right now and very normal. When Lana left me, I was angry and lashed out on those who felt I didn’t do enough to sway her feelings back to me. I threw away all the reminders of that time with Lana in order to move on.  I couldn’t look at a photo of her without feeling an urge to run after her.  All I had to do was see her face, and I wanted to be near her.”

He turned away, ashamed of his weakness.  “There were a lot of good times with Lana.  It wasn’t all bad. That’s why her reaction to my illness was so painful.  I was so sure she was the right one for me.”

Talking about Lana brought back memories of her Rand didn’t know he still had.  He needed to refocus. His emotions warned him to return to the present. 
Forget Lana. She means nothing to you now. It’s Ellen you want.
Rand heard the small voice in his head, but his heart was telling him to forget Ellen, too.  It was obvious she was still stressed out over Paul’s death.  Any amount of love he showed her may never measure up to what she had with Paul.

              Ellen stood in the shadow of the magnolia tree, listening and watching Rand talk about Lana.  The sadness in his voice disturbed her.  Did he still have feelings for Lana buried deep within him, waiting for the right time to be released?  The thought made her nauseous. She erased it from her mind and moved closer to him so she could read his expression.  In the twinkling lights, skirting the eaves of the gazebo, Rand looked lost in painful thoughts.  Was he having regrets about Lana, Ellen wondered.  

“I’m sorry for raising my voice at you Rand.”  Ellen sliced the eerie silence between them.  “You must think I’m a basket case.”

Rand turned to her. “No. Your behavior is normal. I saw it when my uncle died. Aunt Dolly would be sad one day, angry the next then depressed and lonely.  In between, she’d have good, happy days. You’re just going through the motions of grief, Ellen. Give yourself some time.”

“I want healing today, now.”

“God will heal you when He feels you’re ready for it. He has an appointed time for it.”

Ellen scrunched her face.  “How does he know when I’m ready?”

“When you receive from the experience what God wants you to receive. In the meantime, you stay faithful, you keep praying, and you listen with your heart for God’s guidance. You’ll know when you’re ready to receive his healing. He’ll make you ready.  God doesn’t just love away our difficulties.  He allows those difficulties to make us stronger, more faithful so we can love him more.  You’ll feel peace.”

“I never thought about it that way,” Ellen admitted.  “I guess I haven’t learned what He wants me to because I’ve been praying a lot about my situation, but I can’t seem to find any peace.”
My sin won’t let me
, she added silently. That much she did know.   “Is there a Bible verse that could help?”

Rand smiled.  “There is. It comforted me after Lana left. Psalm 34:18 ‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed.’”

Ellen hid the passage in her heart for safe keeping until she returned to her bedroom later.

“Thank you, Rand,” she smiled up at him. The breeze, shuffling through the thick magnolia branches, mussed her hair. Rand reached out and casually lifted several strands from her eyes.

“Life won’t always be this bad, Ellen.” He spoke from experience. “After Lana left, I thought I was doomed to live in sorrow and bitterness for years.  My faith brought me through it. I wasn’t always submissive to God’s words and commands, either. I struggled with my emotions. I wanted God to fix things with Lana. I prayed he would, but He never did.  He didn’t just give me carte-blanche because I asked with all my heart and believed in him.  Finally, I pushed aside my plans and my desires for a solution and let God take over.  Over time, the healing started then the peace settled in.  One day, it will be revealed to me why all of the pain had to happen. Until then, I trust God to lead me through the valleys of life up to the mountaintops.”

“I’m in the valley right now, Rand,” Ellen uttered so somberly, her words were almost lost in the rustling of leaves behind her.

“Why don’t we pray right now, right here, Ellen,” Rand suggested. “I can use some prayer, too.”

              “Has remembering Lana made you wish things had turned out differently, Rand?”  Ellen tiptoed around the question, afraid of his answer.

Rand recalled the snag in his emotions a few moments ago and shrugged, “I question the way of things from time to time and think about what it would have been like being married to Lana, but I don’t dwell on those feelings.”

Ellen didn’t know what to make of his reply.  He hadn’t come right out and said
NO
the way she’d hoped. 

After they prayed for guidance and patience in dealing with their own sets of problems, Rand walked Ellen back to the house.  She went on to bed while he moseyed into the library and picked up the book of devotionals he kept on the table beside his reading chair.  Inside was a photograph of Lana and him.  He’d stuck it there, not as a reminder of their love, but of the strength God had given him to overcome the pain she’d brought him. 

He gazed long and hard at it, expecting waves of doubt to wash over him.  None did.  His heart was completely healed of Lana. She was definitely out of his life forever.  Rand shoved the photo back in place and set the book down. One day, he’d tear it up as he had all the others and trash it, but it gave him peace now to gaze on it without experiencing the slightest bit of emotion.  It made him feel strong and free like he had conquered his worst nightmare. 

Ellen crawled into bed with her Bible that night and located the Scripture Rand had mentioned earlier. A few pages over, she stumbled across another verse along the same lines, but it spoke more to her needs. She read it out loud.

“Psalm 51:17, ‘The sacrifice God wants is a broken spirit.  God, you will not reject a heart that is broken and sorry for sin.’”

Ellen wept as she read the passage over and over.  Her heart was broken and sorry for sin.  Next Monday, she would face a stranger who could divulge her secret to the world.  If only she’d been honest from the beginning, she wouldn’t be going through this anguish.

Bowing her head, Ellen blurted out a desperate plea for help from the only one who could help her.

“Dear Heavenly Father, you know my heart, you know my sin.  You know what I’ve done, how I caused Paul’s accident and death.  I didn’t mean it, but it happened.  I’m so sorry for hurting him that way.  I took his life away, and then I’ve covered it all up with deception.  I should have been honest with the reporters from the beginning and told them I had broken up with Paul the night before our wedding.  Instead, I kept quiet when they all assumed I still loved Paul.  I’m such a fraud.”  Ellen trembled with sobs.  Teardrops dotted the thin paper of her Bible and blurred the print.  She put it aside to protect it.

“Forgive my sins Heavenly Father.  I’ve done wrong.  I’m still hurting people I’ve grown to love by keeping this secret of sin inside me. It’s torturing me.  Please, help me.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve tried being quiet, thinking it would go away, but I can’t get away from it.  Now, my lies have been discovered.  It’s my own fault.  I need you to be with me when I meet this stranger who knows so much about me.  Help me to be bold and obedient.  And give me peace, Dear Lord.  I need peace about Paul and what I’ve done.  I need to be released from this pain and sin.  I need to be honest and get from under this cloud of sin and torture.  I need strength and courage for—”

Exhaustion and drowsiness overtook Ellen as she prayed. Her eyes closed, and she fell asleep. Sometime in the night, she woke, startled by the bedside lamp, shining on her face, and the Bible still in her hands.  She put her Bible away and flicked off the light then settled under the covers like a baby, cradled in her mother’s arms.  God had allowed some peace to comfort her.

The next Monday came all too soon.  Rand had spent most of the days before preparing for his trip to Paris.  Ellen hardly spoke to him.  Even dinner time felt rushed as Rand would hurry to his office afterwards to push through mounds of work.  Once when Ellen happened by his office late one night and saw him at his desk, she offered to bring him tea, but he declined her offer without raising his head.  From then on, Ellen left him alone.

This morning she woke early to have a word with Rand before he left. The night before, he’d spent a good deal of time with Dolly. They’d exchanged goodbyes so he wouldn’t disturb her in the morning. Ellen knew Rand was hesitant to leave his aunt.  He worried over her a lot. She wanted to ease those worries.

Ellen rushed downstairs at six in hopes of having breakfast with Rand.  To her surprise, he’d already eaten and was about to walk out the front door.

“You didn’t have to get up early, Ellen,” Rand said as Edward arrived to help with his luggage.

“I wanted to reassure you one last time that everything will be fine here while you’re away.”

Rand smiled.  “That’s comforting, Ellen. I appreciate your concern. You know me so well. I don’t like leaving Aunt Dolly, but I have confidence in you.” 

“I won’t disappoint you, Rand.” 
I love you too much
, Ellen added silently.

“You’ve never disappointed us, Ellen,” Rand was quick to say.  “If everything goes as I hope, I should be back by Friday evening.  Celeste and Edward will take care of the house.  You just watch over Aunt Dolly for me.”

“I will.” Ellen smiled, reassuringly.  “Don’t worry.”

“I’ll call every day.”

“Make sure you check the time zones if you want to talk to Dolly.  She has a schedule you know.  Call when she’s awake.  She won’t want to miss your calls.”

“Thanks for reminding me,” Rand said, appraising Ellen’s youthful appearance.  Her caressable hair fanned softly against her face and along her neckline. He regretted not making time for her the past week, but it couldn’t be helped.  Work took precedence over pleasure this time.  It didn’t mean Ellen hadn’t been on his mind every single moment of the day.  If he ever married, he’d make sure to reverse the priorities.  But, someone like Ellen would understand when work had to come first.