Never Been Loved (25 page)

Matty sobs harder in my shoulder, and I’m all too aware of Sera looking down at the pair of us, probably disgusted by our mutual weakness. I keep rubbing his back, keep lying to him, telling him it’s okay, when it sure as shit is never going to be. I hug him tighter until he settles down, sniffing a wad of snot, and angrily wiping away his tears.

He lets me carry him back home, with Sera following behind us. The kid’s a mass of arms and legs, like a live blanket thrown over half my body, but I don’t mind. Not when it’s this important. I don’t want him to ever feel alone when he confronts his sickness, not like Mom left me alone, not like Jules did – until it was too late.

In the elevator, just when I’m about to let Sera down easy, just when I’m about to say goodbye to this queen of a chick, Matty pops up with a request.

“Sera? You’re still going to read to me, right?”

“If that’s what you want, Matty. I’ll be over soon, okay?” Sera says.

Ding, ding, ding! The round is over and the last man left standing is the kid.

Stepping off the elevator, Sera goes to her place, while I unlock our door and set the kid down. He takes off his shoes slowly, unwinding the shoelaces and the perfect bunny ears I made this morning – the kid’s not looking at me.

“What’s up, Matty?”

Still undoing his laces, he mumbles, “I really like Sera, Daddy.”

“I do, too, kid. Now, let’s get you cleaned up so Sera can read to you, yeah?”

“That’s a good idea.” He nods at me like I’ve surprised him.

Sera knocks on the door fifteen minutes later, wearing sweats and a huge t-shirt that I don’t have a chance to read since I’m concentrating hard on not staring into the abyss that are her tits. She holds up a book at me and grins, moving past me into the kid’s room.

I lock the door, and move to my bedroom, lying down on the bed to hear her read to him. I frown at the kid’s questions – he’s got about a million of ’em, interrupting the story – Sera doesn’t even get annoyed, her voice stays calm while she answers him. Matty even freaks out when some cat turns into a human, and makes Sera stop reading only to ask a shit-ton more questions. I’m grinning, alone in my room, and I have no idea how it got on my face.

You’re cracking up over some girl. Really, man? Is this what’s in store for you?

Yes. Yes it is.

I keep listening to Sera read, and then head out slowly to shut off all the lights. I peek into Matty’s room, stare like some fucking creep in the darkened hallway, watching Sera and Matty’s heads close enough together you’d think they were Velcro’d with both their faces in the book.

Finally. The kid’s asleep. Amen.

Sera shuts off the light and I hear her freeze for a few seconds, getting used to the dark. I do this shit to keep my eyes sharp, a personal test, to check if my eyesight’s getting worse in the dark. I’ve had diabetes for ten years, and a major side effect is the steady loss of vision without control over my sugars.

It’s like I’m waiting for my eyes to fuck up, just waiting to give up on life, to stop work, to stop providing for the kid. I hate that about myself, this constant need to make sure I’m okay, and it sure as hell isn’t a surprise that I’m not.

I’m not good for Sera. She doesn’t need to fall in love with a man that will inevitably go blind and forget what she looks like.

This is so fucked up. Everything is just so fucked up.

“Why don’t you close Matty’s door, and you can turn on the lights?” she whispers, gasping when I close the fridge door. I slowly reach out for her hand, feel her jump at the contact.

You’re not a vampire. Chicks don’t dig being sneaked up on.

Damn it, I just want to be close to her. She makes me forget what I am. So I move closer, half-expecting her to scream her lungs out when my lips graze her ear, half-expecting her to knee me in the balls again.

You’re a sick bastard if you’re smiling thinking of that.
Maybe I am.

“I need his door open so I can check on him during the night. And I do it to test my vision. I force my eyes to get accustomed to the dark.”

“Oh.”

The world is a darker gradient of grey and I can barely make out her face. Her face, though, is probably confused, and this is a subject I don’t want to get into. I want to kiss her tonight, I want to taste her and make
her
forget what I am, and make her believe that I can be more. Talking about fucking impending blindness will not do that for me.

“Your sugars, right?”

Ah, shit. She knows. She knows everything.

I can’t help myself; I kiss the soft roundness of her cheek, and linger for a second too long. The invisible band squeezing my chest hard enough to kill eases up a little.

“I forget that you know all this already. I love that I don’t have to explain any of this to you.”
Fuck, I do.

In the dark, I hear her slow intake of breath, and it rattles and shakes as she lets it out. Sera could be afraid of being alone with me.

“Are... are you dressed?”

“Hmmmm,” I groan against her ear, moving even closer to her heat and her sugary smell. I’ve moved my hands to her waist, whether to keep her in place, or keep me standing, I’m not sure. “Do you want me to be?”

“Holy Tardis of Gallifrey!”

What the fuck is that?

“
You better be wearing at least sweats or I will leave this apartment right now!”

Oh, yeah, she’s nervous. Be cool, and don’t blow it.

I laugh - because who says this shit? – hugging her close. Deciding she’s going to need her space if I’m going to win her over, I move us to the couch and blindly grab for the remote, turning on the tube.

“See? I’m wearing sweats.”
I’m not dangerous. I’m not Lord Voldemort or a Death Eater. The fact that I know what they are is your fault, Sera.

Shit, she’s checking me out and being obvious about it. I can’t tell if she’s blushing, though, with the blue glow of the TV.

I want to see if she blushes in other places, too.

Dead puppies. Maggots. Squirming maggots!

“I think you should put a shirt on, too.”

“No way. I like the way you look at me.” I grin.

“
I
don’t like the way I look at you. Please, for the love of Castiel, please put on a shirt for me.”
I look down at her but she’s staring at
Die Hard
like it’s more important than what we’re doing.

“Why?”

“I’m... uncomfortable.” She sounds… uncomfortable.
Obviously, genius.

I snort. “Baby, I’ve been out of the game for a while, but the way you look at me, you’re not uncomfortable, are you?”
Please tell me I’m reading the signs right. This is all bullshit if it’s not what I think it is. I can’t be reading it that wrong.

“I think you’re so bloody beautiful, I’m wondering what you’re doing here on the couch with me, when you have Alysha on the backburner. And
that
makes me uncomfortable.”

I grinned at the beautiful part, even if a man doesn’t like being called beautiful, it’s still a plus. My mouth dropped that act real fucking quick when all Sera did was force-feed me the truth. I exhale through my nose, and try and think of a way that I can explain my situation to her.

She’s going to see the ugly part of me and turn tail.
It was too good to be true, man.

“I guess I deserve that.”

“Yeah, you deserve it!” She’s flaring at me full on now, her eyes are fierce and her mouth is moving fast. Her hands get in the mix and physical harm looks like it’s going to happen tonight.
“You’ve been with Alysha a long time, am I right?”

I nod.

“The whole tossing her aside thing is more than freaking me out. Beautiful guys like you, they use and destroy girls like me. And if you can toss aside Alysha when she’s clearly that gorgeous, I’m wondering what’s in store for me.”

Girls like her? What the fuck?
No. She doesn’t get it.

“Baby, you’re not getting it. The question isn’t if you’re good enough for me, looks-wise, personality-wise, what the fuck ever, but whether I’m good enough for you.” I clench my jaw tight, and my hand’s on the back of her neck making sure she can read my face. I don’t like being told what I do, especially when I don’t do it.

“Then prove it to me. Prove to me that I’m good enough for you.”

With fucking pleasure, baby.
But I need to go slow with you, turtle-slow.

“I thought I was doing that, Sera. You think Aly even says hello to Matty, you think she talks to him about Batman and Superman? Yeah, right. She can’t even fucking deal with my sugars let alone the kid. You think Aly plays with him? Christ, Sera, did you see how he asked you to play soccer? I don’t even do that, and you’re a stranger. That means something to me. From where I’m sitting you’re more than good enough. And I haven’t even started on the killer body you have.”

She looks like she doesn’t believe me.

“Speaking of the soccer game - why did you bloody kiss me when I took my penalty kick? I ended up scoring and I made him cry. I was going to miss.”

I nod. Changing the Subject 101. “You don’t think he would’ve known that? He’s four, not an idiot.”

“But he cried! And it’s my fault!” Sera actually looks… hurt.
Fucking shit, I want this girl in my bed… now. Wait, what did she say?

“Sera, that’s a lesson he has to learn. He has limitations, he needs to know that he can’t push his body like everyone else can.”

“But he’s four! Can’t he learn that lesson when he’s forty-five or something?” She waves off her hand into the distant future.

“This isn’t what I really wanted to talk about.”

“Oh-kay... I’m still pissed at you.”

This whole conversation is a master ping-pong game I can’t hope to win. My strategy is shot to shit, and she’s spinning me around in circles.

Just answer her like a normal dude would.

“Are you pissed because you messed up? Or is it because I kissed you and you lost your concentration?” I gamble, and slowly move my hand so it’s resting on the side of her face. She freezes in my gentle grip, but I can tell she’s not going to give up.

“They’re one and the same, Hunt.”

“No, baby, they’re not and you know it.” Christ, I can’t stop touching her, touching her cheek, trailing my thumb along the bone. Her smell is driving me fucking insane. “We’re going to take it slow, as slow as you want to go. I don’t want you running.”

Good man, lay it all out there. Let’s see what happens next. Who wants popcorn?

“What will I run from? What’s so bad about you?” she asks, and the words feel like their bullet holes punched through my chest.
She’s going to find out, but later. Much later.

I freeze, pulling in a deep breath. “I’m screwed up, just like everybody else. I have demons, just like everybody else. But I’m going to show you the good, Sera, so when we get to the bad, you’ll stay – because you want to.”

“You’re kinda freaking me out. This isn’t normal dating behaviour.”

“Am I normal?”

I’m expecting her to give me the truth, the actual truth of what she thinks of me, but her hands have somehow hit my scalp and it’s fucking doing things to my body, mainly making me lose my head.

“Well, yeah. I don’t see horns sprouting out of your head, and your chompers don’t have any sharp edges to suck my blood with. Unless you’re a werewolf?”

“I like how you make me laugh when I’m trying to be serious.” I don’t understand women. I can’t help smiling and kiss her cheek for it.

“I like making people laugh. Still, I don’t know why you’re telling me this up front. Or why you want to date me. What about Alysha?”

“I’ll deal with Aly. She and I were over last month, my mom just doesn’t know it yet,” I bite out, trying to calm myself down.
No one’s going to ruin this for me. No one.

“All you need to worry about is you and me. I don’t lie, Sera, but you don’t know that much about me to get that. You’ll learn, soon enough. I don’t cheat; my asshole father did enough of that. I don’t do drugs, or drink out of hand – I have Matty to look after.”

I’m not good enough for you, baby. Please, take a chance on me.

“I’m stubborn, you’ll get that soon enough. I have demons, too, which isn’t a surprise. So, I’m asking you to take this slow with me, to see where this goes. If it ends badly, I... I want us to be friends. I can be your friend, Hunt. I’m a good friend.”

I couldn’t be able to look at her and think of her as my friend. That wouldn’t work for us.
It’s all or nothing, and you’ve gambled on everything.

“I haven’t had a friend in a long time, baby. I might have forgotten how to be one.” Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t’ve said that. Now I sound needy.

Sera nods, like she gets it. “Like riding a bike, or swimming. You know how to do it. As a friend, wanna come over to my buddy’s housewarming on Saturday? Um, we can bring Matty along, but he might get bored-”