Never Let Go (20 page)

“They set you up with a
student
?” I ask, surprised. “That doesn’t seem very professional.”

“The school cuts corners where they can. Just like everybody else,” Katy says. “They let their psychology students sit in on a few official sessions, and then give them the reins. As a way of giving them ‘work experience.’” She makes air quotes.

“Can’t you complain about that?” I ask. “There’s no way they should send you to a student for counseling.”

“Actually, it was kind of my choice,” Katy admits. “They said I could go to a practicing shrink somewhere in the city, or work with their program here.” She shrugs. “Staying on campus seems like less of a hassle.”

“Look on the bright side,” I say. “Maybe your counselor will turn out to be a hot guy.”

“You sound like me,” Katy grins. “Though with my luck, there’s more of a chance I end up with a lesbian. Although maybe if she’s attractive enough…” she trails off, twirling her hair in her fingers.

“Katy!” I admonish.

She snaps out of it. “What? Haven’t you ever thought of what it’d be like to be with a girl?”

“Never,” I gasp.

Katy turns to me with her eyes dancing. “Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’ve never,
ever
wondered what it would be like to have sex with a woman?”

“No,” I say flatly, repulsed by the thought.

Katy pulls herself onto the couch and slides closer to me. She glances down at the small space between us and starts playing with a loose thread in my jeans. Her voice is soft when she speaks. “I have. In fact, I’ve thought about it a lot.” Her fingers let go of the thread and start tracing small, faint circles on my thigh. “Have you ever kissed a girl, Paige?”

“No.” I clear my throat, starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable. “Katy, I’m not—”

“A dyke?” she finished for me. A sly smile plays on her lips. “Don’t worry. I’m not, either. But haven’t you ever felt the least bit curious about what you might be missing?” Her exploration of my thigh becomes bolder, more pronounced. “Just imagine it. Soft lips. Smooth skin. A warm, sensual caress.”

She snaps her head up and looks into my eyes. “A girl would know exactly how to get you off. So many guys are just fumbling around in the dark down there.” She glances at the spot between my legs.

“Katy…”

“Shh.” She presses a finger to my lips. “Don’t question things so much, Paige.”

Her mouth is so close to mine I can smell the minty hint of her gum.

She lifts a leg and brings it across my lap, straddling me. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m cornered again. Panic threatens to set in. Katy nuzzles her nose in the crook of my neck, inhaling deeply. Her hair brushes my skin.

I freeze in shock.

“Paige…” Katy whispers in my ear. Her hand runs up the side of my body, brushing over one breast. “…you’re too tense. Sometimes it’s better to just let
go
!”

She leaps off me and explodes in a fit of laughter. I stare at her, wide-eyed and bewildered. “What on earth was that?”

“You’re strung too tight, girl!” she laughs. “I was just playing with you!” She sees the blank expression on my face. “Hey, come on, lighten up a bit. I know you like guys.”

I cross my arms and bring my legs up tight to my body. It’s a closed-off, defensive posture. “That wasn’t funny.”

“Yes, it was! You should have seen yourself. You were trembling like a babe left in the rain.” Katy laughs again.

I remain stoic.

“Oh, come on,” she says. “Are you seriously mad at me? It was just a little joke.”

“You went too far.”

She rolls her eyes. “Relax, Paige. It’s not like I forced you to have sex or anything.”

Katy catches the change in my demeanor. Her laughter cuts off as if severed by a knife. Slowly, she walks toward me, then cups my chin and tilts my head up at her.

“Someone must have really done a number on you,” she says, searching my eyes. “Who?”

I pretend ignorance and shake my head.

Katy lets go of my chin and sits beside me. “Who taught you sex was such a bad thing?”

“What?” I try to laugh and scoff at the same time. It comes out as a pathetic sound. “No one.”

“It makes so much sense,” Katy says to herself. “The way you go bright red every time sex is brought up. The determined way you’ve avoided Spencer’s advances all semester. Of course Andrew is the easy choice for you! There’s no pressure with him.” She turns and looks at me. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

I take a deep breath and put on my most serious expression. “Katy, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“It’s time to let that part of your past go. You have to decide for yourself whether sex is right for you,” she tells me, taking my hand. “Just so you know,” she adds, “having sex doesn’t make you dirty or bad.”

Her smile is warm and her eyes are gentle. “If you want to talk, I’ll always be here.”

I clear my throat, whipping up an excuse. “Katy, honestly, I know it’s not… bad.” I try hard to make myself believe the words. “I’ve avoided Spencer because I just don’t like him that way.”
Or has that already changed?
I think to myself. “I only agreed to things with Andrew because he seemed like a good guy. And the little show you put on just now caught me by surprise, that’s all. I thought you were actually coming on to me. You’ve got to admit, it would have been awkward, with us being roommates and all.”

Katy chews the inside of her cheek and looks me over. She has a thoughtful expression on her face.

“Okay,” she says finally.

I exhale a great sigh of relief. This is not a conversation I wanted to have, ever.

“But,” Katy continues, making my insides clench up again, “if you ever want to talk about it, just remember that our future does not have to be shaped by the past. There are plenty of people in mine who’ve been wrong about pretty much everything they tried to teach me.” She squeezes my hand and gives me a smile.

***

Katy leaves for counseling fifteen minutes later, giving me time to think about everything before Spencer arrives.

Boarding school wasn’t just about feeling guilty and having labels pinned on you by the instructors. There were good parts, too.

Those
are the things I should have taken with me: Sneaking into the cafeteria late one night and spiking the next morning’s oatmeal with Gatorade. Jumping into the small lake hidden on the grounds in nothing but our underwear in the dead cold of November. Staying up late watching made-for-TV movies and mooning over the handsome stars from two, three, or even four decades ago.

Why, then, do I have to keep replaying the negative things?

Intimacy frightens me. I know myself well enough to admit that. After the disaster with Jeremy in ninth grade, I’ve walled myself off. I don’t know much about intimacy. Every time some semblance of it enters my mind, I squash it.

Blocking it out seems easier than trying to undo years of lecturing and lambasting.

I know I’m not alone in that fear. Some girls vow to be celibate. I don’t want
that
. But, I don’t want to jump in headfirst and start having meaningless, anonymous sex over and over again.

I’m not like that. Sex is equated to the greatest form of intimacy in my mind. I can’t imagine anything more special to share with someone.

I shake my head. Nineteen years old, and practically a virgin? Well, maybe not
technically,
I don’t think the catastrophe in boarding school should count.

Worse, I’m not even sure my reasons for abstaining since then are my own.

Maybe Katy’s right. Maybe I do need to loosen up.

This is college, for crying out loud. I left my old life behind when I came here. It’s not too late to reinvent myself.

I stand up, feeling a new determination come over me. If I want to reinvent myself, the first thing to do is get over my fear of intimacy.

That means having sex.

I hate the way my past still holds sway over me. I want to deny it that power, but I can’t. Pretending a certain portion of your life never happened will only get you so far.

The only way to move forward is to take concrete steps toward it. Concrete,
physical
steps.

And today… today is the perfect opportunity to start
Operation New Me
. Today, Spencer is picking me up. Who better to help me blast through my fears?

He can say whatever he wants, but I know, deep down, that he’s only interested in me for one thing.

Maybe, for once, we’ll both be on the same page.

I smile to myself as I walk to the bedroom closet. I’ll need the proper outfit if I’m going to get what I want from Spencer tonight.

***

I walk out the doors of my dorm and fill my lungs with the crisp autumn air. The leaves are starting to fall, clearing the branches for winter. It feels like the perfect time for a new beginning. Change isn’t going to be instant, but it has to start now.

As I walk the short distance to the outdoor parking lot, where I told Spencer to wait, I notice the extra looks I get from the guys I pass. One stops to stare openly before earning a slap on the chest from his date.

I smile, pleased with my newly-discovered feminine power. And to think, all it took was an extra touch of mascara, a hint of lip gloss, and a little bit of blush on my cheeks.

Oh, plus a whole new wardrobe.

I have a black pushup bra beneath a skimpy red crop top, all borrowed from Katy. A denim jacket is thrown on top. My shirt ends right at my belly button, showing just the right amount of skin when the jacket’s open.

Tight, close-fitting black jeans ride low on my hips. A sexy belt that matches my stylish summer boots completes the rebellious look.

My hair is loose. I shake my head to let the wind carry it. I know boys love that type of look.
I should
feel sexy
, I tell myself.

I see Spencer in the parking lot before he sees me. Or rather, I see him before he
recognizes
me.

He’s sitting on his bike with the engine running, looking incredibly casual yet sexy with one foot kicked out. His eyes come to me. I can feel the hunger in his gaze as he gives me a quick one-over before turning his attention away, waiting for
Paige
to arrive.

All the effort I’ve gone through is rewarded when his gaze snaps back to me. His eyes go wide. For a moment, I think he actually forgets to breathe.

My, this type of power is exhilarating,
I think to myself as I plaster a seductive smile on my lips and strut up to him.

“Hey sexy,” I purr, coming close to brush my cheek against his in a chaste kiss. I swing my leg over his bike and hold on.

“Hey to you,” Spencer says. “Damn, Paige. You look stunning. What’s the occasion?”

“I have a date with you, don’t I?” I croon, cozying up against his muscular back and wrapping my arms around his waist. “I didn’t want to disappoint.”

“Hell, with you looking like that, I may have to rethink our itinerary for the night,” Spencer mutters. “I should be parading you all over campus on my arm.”

I get a slight adrenaline kick at the thought. “It’s never too late to change your mind,” I say slyly.

Spencer turns around and stares at me. “Who are you, and what have you done with the real Paige?”

I laugh at him. “Silly boy. I’m the same girl I’ve always been.”

“No. Something’s different about you.” Spencer winks, and the bike roars to life. “But I like it.”

***

We stop in front of a large warehouse only a few minutes from campus. Spencer helps me off the bike.

“Um, Spencer?” I ask, feeling much less confident about this endeavor than before, “What are we doing here?”

“I promised I’d show you what I’m all about, remember?”

“Yes.”

“Well, the tour starts here. This,” he gestures at the building behind him, “is my shop.”

“What, like you repair bikes or something?” I ask, squinting my eyes at him.

Spencer chuckles and shoots me a mysterious smile. “No, nothing as crude as that.” He unlocks the entrance and walks in.

I follow him into the darkness. He flips a switch on the wall, and the shuttering
schunk, schunk
echoes through the building as rows of overhead lights turn on in succession.

The warehouse is filled with all sorts of heavy machinery, the likes of which I’ve never seen. There are long sheets of paper-thin metal rolled up against one wall. Some reflect the light brightly, others give off a dull glow. Multiple working stations dot the floor, each one close to a different type of machine.

“A metal shop,” I say, the pieces clicking in my head. “Is this all yours?”

Spencer tilts his head to look at me. “No. Of course not.”

Immediately, I feel like a complete idiot for asking. I don’t know anything about the cost of such things, but I bet each one of the industrial machines costs as much as a sedan. Probably more. “Sorry, I—”

Spencer shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. The school owns this shop. I’m just on good terms with the supervisor. She lets me have my own key.”

I look around. “So what do you do here?”

He grins. “You haven’t figured it out?” He takes my hand and pushes the sleeve up to expose the bracelet he’d given me. I’d put it on tonight just for him. “I make things like this.”

I blink dully for a moment. The feel of Spencer’s fingers on my skin evokes a strong, guttural reaction in me. I can feel the heat of his gaze as he examines my face. It clashes with the soft, almost careful way he holds my hand. As if he’s afraid I am a butterfly who will fly away at the slightest provocation.

I swallow and go for confidence. “Then you’ll have to show me where you made it.”

Spencer smiles and drops my hand. I feel an instant pang of longing for his touch. It seems like all my senses are on overdrive, enhanced by my true purpose for the night.

“This way,” he gestures. When I step in that direction, his hand easily finds the small of my back.