Never Sit Down in a Hoopskirt and Other Things I Learned in Southern Belle Hell (9 page)

“Doesn't it just bring out the color of the fabric? I was nervous about it, but it worked out so much better than I could have imagined.”

“Than you could have imagined?” I asked. “Teddy Mac Trenton, did you make this dress?”

Lacey Wilkes glanced up from pouring herself another glass of champagne. “Honey, he did more than half the things in here. That's why we needed the closet expansion, to keep up with his creations. Isn't my Teddy just brilliant?”

Teddy waved a hand at her. “Mother exaggerates. I do the designs, but we have a girl who cuts the patterns and sews the outfits.”

Lacey Wilkes plastered Teddy Mac's head with kisses. “Aren't I the luckiest mother in the world, to have my own dress designer for a son?”

Even I was impressed. “Damn, Teddy Mac, you've come a long way from playing harem princess.”

“Honey, that was the start of it all!”

She and Teddy Mac chattered on about whipstitches and hemlines and bodice choices and all sorts of things that I didn't really know—or care to know—what they were. Brandi Lyn whipped off her country star gear, down to her undies (to my surprise, but she seemed to have forgotten that Teddy Mac was male), and let him go to work.

With all this Teddy Mac–Brandi Lyn BFFing going on, I had tons of time to obsess over my ludicrous Luke Churchville sighting. Had he actually seen me? Did he have any idea I was there on a scouting mission? If he had seen me, what was it like after all these years? Was I more cute or less cute than he would have imagined? Did he even think of me at all? Now what was I going to do the next time I saw him? Maybe it wasn't too late to go back to boarding school.

Brandi Lyn ended up with ten dresses, a few skirts, some simple sleeveless tops, and a half dozen pairs of shoes. She and Lacey Wilkes wore the same size shoe, although all the clothing would have to be altered a bit. Luckily, Lacey Wilkes also shared Brandi Lyn's big chest, but she had a bigger middle, too, despite years of Jenny Craig, liposuction, and biannual spa treatments at Canyon Ranch up in Massachusetts. Teddy Mac took Brandi Lyn's measurements and promised to send everything out to Laverne, the seamstress, for alterations and to make an appointment with his mother's hairstylist to update her 'do. Brandi Lyn protested, claiming their overwhelming charity was just too much, but Lacey Wilkes batted her words away like a pesky housefly.

“No, no, no. I will not tolerate this talk. It is my pleasure to support your cause and, by the way, I can always have Teddy Toy whip me up something new when I need it. So you just hush and go look beautiful and be sure to drive that Martha Ellen Upton crazy with your propriety.” The last words came out as a slur. Lacey Wilkes had downed most of the bottle of champagne and she was now wobbling more than ever. “Teddy Toy, Mother's feeling a little tired now, so I'm going to take me a nappy-poo. But, honey, you are going to have a time getting this one out of the black.” She wagged a finger at me and teetered out of the closet and down the hall to her bedroom.

I braced myself. “I know. I have a feeling this is going to be painful.”

“You just need a little color and sparkle, dumpling,” Teddy Mac said.

“Oh hell no.” I backed away in horror. “No color. No sparkle. No cute.”

“Oh, Jane,” Brandi Lyn chortled. “Let Teddy do his magic. I think you'd look gorgeous in deep pink.”

“Nooooooo! I don't care if it's deep as the ocean. No pink of any kind! Help!!!!!” But she and Teddy Mac attacked me with a couple of Lacey Wilkes's sundresses and before I knew it I was in front of the three-way mirror gazing at myself wearing a red-and-white polka-dot sundress with a snazzy kick pleat in the back.

Brandi Lyn exclaimed, “Jane! You're from another era!”

“Well?” Teddy Mac waited breathlessly.

“It's… cool. Kind of retro. Sassy.”

“That's your look, then. Forties vamp. Sassy and original, but ladylike all the same. Let me see what else I can pull out for you.” He paused. “But, Jane. This is going to cost you.”

“Oh yeah, fine. I'll write you a check.”

“That's not what I mean. There's something else I'd like.” A sly grin crossed his face.

“Ohhhhh-kay…,” I drew out.

“Once your Magnolia Maid dress is done, will you let me try it on?” Okay, that is so not what I was expecting. My jaw hit the ground and Brandi Lyn gasped. “Pretty please? Sugar on top? Just one time?” Brandi Lyn and I burst into laughter.

Teddy Mac huffed away. “Forget it.”

“No, Teddy Mac, it's fine. Really. I was just taken by surprise. You seemed so serious, I was worried there for a second. Honestly, you can try on my dress whenever you want. But on one condition…”

Teddy Mac arched an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“You agree to be my dandy.”

Both Teddy Mac and Brandi Lyn screeched with delight.

My guess is that was a yes.

“Just what do you think you're doing?” Ashley hissed at me under her breath a few days later.

“Learning the flight formation,” I replied. “What are you doing?” The flight formation, for those of you who are not ducks, geese, or other migratory birds, is the official walking pattern of the Bienville Magnolia Maids. The queen plays the role of the lead bird, and she is flanked by two Maids walking exactly four feet to the side of her and four feet behind her (four feet being the minimum amount of space to accommodate the span of the hoopskirted antebellum dresses). Behind those two Maids trail two more. According to the
Magnolia Court Handbook
, when performed correctly, the Maids will appear as a graceful, sinuous unit, like ducks in flight, hence the term “flight formation.”

But when you've had a vote for queen that morning that ended in a deadlock—half the votes for Brandi Lyn and the other half for Ashley—it's a little harder to appear as any sort of unit. Mizz Upton was at a loss as to how to effectively teach the fine art of gliding like little Maids all in a row. In fact, she barely even struggled to hide how pissed she was. Instead, she furrowed her brow and dropped little snark bombs like, “Well, I guess we'll just have to make do.” “This won't be perfect, but try, Maids, please.” “We have no idea where you'll each be positioned when you do this in the real world, but use your imagination.”

So there we were, out on her gigantic back lawn, each taking turns in the “queen” position, all of us except Caroline, who, as alternate, would not be required to do the flight formation except in the case of a Magnol-emergency. She got to sit in the corner to “watch and learn,” but I saw her sneaking peaks into a paperback romance, lucky dog. The rest of us lined up on marks Mizz Upton had placed in the ground, then stood quietly by as she used a yardstick to make sure we were in the exact four-by-four position. She counted, “One-two-three,” and we took off again, right foot first….

But Mallory started a beat late and Zara ran right into her. Brandi Lyn set out on her left foot and ended up “throwing off the look.” Ashley veered instead of walking a straight line and bumped me in the butt. Most ironically, I was in the queen position at that moment, ha-ha-ha. Some variation of this mess had been happening all morning. Finally Mizz Upton called a potty break.

“I'm not talking about the flight formation and you know it!” Ashley continued. “You're all
decent
today.”

“Thanks, Ash, I just love my new makeover,” I simpered.

“This isn't a makeover! You're being nice. You haven't said one sarcastic thing all day. You're wearing a, a
sundress
.”

“You know, it just suddenly came to me… I can wear black and still look feminine!” I fluffed out the skirt of my dress. “The daisies really pop on the black background, don't you think?”

“No, well, yes, but…” Poor thing, she was flustered. “You're even doing the flight formation right, for God's sake!”

“Please don't take the Lord's name in vain,” Brandi Lyn singsonged from her perch on a swing hanging from the giant oak that shaded the Upton's entire backyard. Ashley rolled her eyes in exasperation.

I took Ashley's hands in mind. “I've come to see the error of my ways, Ashley. It was like a flash of lightning, I had a vision, and suddenly this deep appreciation for all things Magnolia Maid-y washed over me like the gentle waves of Bienville Bay.”

“You expect me to believe that?” Ashley gestured toward Brandi Lyn. “And what's up with her? She looks all decent, too. Oh my God! Y'all are on probation, aren't you?!”

Brandi Lyn sighed. “Please, Ashley, I know it's hard, but please don't use the Lord's name in vain. Please. God does not want to hear that.”

Ashley ignored her, keeping her eyes focused on me. “That's why Mizz Upton made you stay after last week! She put you two on probation and you're trying to get off it by behaving for a change!” She looked downright gleeful, the little detective.

I held my tongue—yes, I know, not the usual thing that I do—but I couldn't quite figure out what she was on about. If I admitted it, what would she do with the information? What could she possibly do? If I denied it, would it end up biting me in the back at some future, unforeseen point? From the gleam of certainty dancing in her beady little eyes, I just knew she was up to something. I just didn't know what.

Which is why I dragged Brandi Lyn downtown to the chamber of commerce to meet with Walter Murray Hill the minute Mizz Upton called lunch break.

“Well, girls, what a delight!” He ushered us to sit down in two wing chairs flanking his desk. “Jane, I heard about y'all's idea for the beach fund-raiser. Excellent idea, just excellent. Exactly the kind of thing we're looking for!”

“Thank you, sir. It was a team effort. Well, mostly.”

“Go, team!” He took a seat in his power chair. “Tell me. It's not very often that I get a personal visit from one of our beautiful Maids, let alone two. What can I do for you?”

“Well, Mr. Hill…,” I began.

“Please, call me Mr. Walter.”

“Mr. Walter. I don't know if you're aware of this, but Brandi Lyn and I have been put on probation.”

The grin slipped right off Mr. Walter's face. He leaned back in his chair. “No, Jane, I don't believe I was made aware of this.”

“I'm sure it must have slipped Mizz Upton's mind.”

“I'm sure it did. And I appreciate you keeping me posted on this situation. Now what are you on probation for, exactly?”

“Sir, unfortunately, I have in the past, exhibited a bad attitude that gets my mouth in trouble every once in a while.”

“And a tattoo,” Brandi Lyn chimed in. “Mizz Upton wasn't happy about that, either.”

“A
tattoo
?” Walter Murray Hill's lips formed the word with an odd mixture of titillation and disgust.

“Yes, sir,” I confirmed. “The tattoo was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.”

“Yes, yes, I can see that it could be.”

“But don't worry. Miss Dinah Mae Marshall is figuring out how to cover it up. My shoulder ruffles are going to be a bit wider than average.”

“All right, all right.” Mr. Walter turned to Brandi Lyn. “What about you, young lady? What are you on probation for?”

She shrugged. “I'm not real sure, Mr. Walter, sir.”

“What do you mean you're not real sure?”

“Seriously, Brandi Lyn didn't do anything wrong,” I said. “Except sport quote bold fashion unquote.”

“What's wrong with bold fashion?”

Brandi Lyn beamed. “Oh, Mr. Walter, I feel the same way! But I think Mrs. Upton is upset because I refused to quit. Well, Jane refused for me. Thank you, Jane.”

“You're welcome, Brandi Lyn.”

Poor Mr. Walter, confusion ran rampant over his face. “You were asked to quit?”

“Yes, sir. Mizz Upton was real concerned about my being able to afford the dress and all the outfits.”

“You look perfectly fine to me.”

“Thank you! Miss Lacey Wilkes Hawkes helped me out with some clothes. Wasn't that sweet of her?” Brandi Lyn modeled her cute little blouse for Mr. Walter as he digested the very timely dropping of the Hawkes name into conversation.

“Lacey Wilkes, huh?” He nodded, impressed. “She's a good girl. Always been a big supporter of the Maids, okay.”

“Mr. Walter,” I said. “We just wanted to let you know that we are taking our probation very seriously and that we are doing the best job we possibly can.”

Brandi Lyn nodded. “That's right. Jane and I have made a pact to be the best Magnolia Maids we can possibly be.”

“We just have one tiny little question. Mizz Upton told us we were on probation, but she didn't tell us how to get off. And we can't find that information anywhere in the handbook. Do you know the answer?”

“You mean to tell me you don't know?” Mr. Walter's face turned a rather unattractive shade of middle-aged-man red as his hand reached for the phone.

By the end of day, Mizz Upton sat both me and Brandi Lyn down and stated that there had been “a wee bit of an oversight.” Was it my imagination or was there a wee hint of a glare in my direction? “It has been called to my attention that it must have slipped my mind to have you sign this.” She presented us with official notices of probation. They basically said that if we obtained any more demerits we would be subject to immediate expulsion from the Magnolia Maids. Under Reason for Probation, she had handwritten in perfect cursive “argumentative,” “unladylike attitude,” and “unbecoming personal presentation” for me and “inappropriate attire” for Brandi Lyn. She informed us that the probation period was officially one month.

“From today?” I asked.

“From the day that I put you on probation, of course.”

“Great.” I scratched out the date on the document and dated it a week ago, to the very day that she had put us on probation. This time, there wasn't a hint. Mizz Upton
definitely
glared at me. I shot her a sugary sweet smile right back. “We want to be accurate, don't we?”

I have to say, in the weeks that followed, the trips to Mizz Upton's for further Magnolia Maid instruction were actually quite entertaining. This being B'ville, of course, all the other girls found out we were on probation, so Ashley made it her daily goal to get me and Brandi Lyn to slip up in hopes that we would be booted off the Court. “Brandi Lyn,” she simpered one day. “Your hair is soooo different.”

Brandi Lyn flushed with pleasure. “I have a new stylist. Don't you love it?”

“Weh-elllll…”

“You don't like it, do you?”

“No, it's not that. It's just that I miss your big hair! It suited you so well!”

“Jane says this fits better with the Magnolia Maid philosophy.”

“Oh, honey, don't go changing because of the Magnolia Maid philosophy! You have to be yourself. And this bob, well, it just isn't the Brandi Lyn we've all come to know and love.”

“That's not what Mizz Upton told me.”

“She's just old-fashioned, right, Mallory?”

Mallory nodded vigorously. “And I luvvvved your short skirts! They showed off your legs so nicely!”

“You should wear them more!”

Brandi Lyn furrowed her brow. “That's so sweet of y'all, really, but Teddy Mac Trenton and I have come up with this whole new look and I just love it! It's classy, don't you think?”

Curses. Foiled again.

With me, Ashley presented an array of needling remarks. “You know, Jane, I read the other day in the
Bienville Gazette
that girls with behavioral problems are just screaming for proper love and attention.”

“Jane, did you hear? Your chances are so high of getting Hepatitis C if you've had a tattoo. I read it in
Vogue
. I hope you didn't get yours at some unclean place….”

“So, Jane, what are you going to do about getting into college, what with your awful school record? You must be terrified!”

When none of those got a rise out of me, Ashley turned to being faux polite/true mean to the others. She asked Zara if she could trace her family tree all the way back to Africa. She told Caroline that she couldn't “help but notice that you're stress eating again. As your friend, I just have to tell you, you're fat and you really need to do something about it or you're never going to get a boyfriend.”

This stuff really pissed me off, I mean really, but I bit my tongue as I had promised to and fought Ashley's fire with a new brand of my own—the
Magnolia Court Handbook
, of all things! Who would have guessed that reading it from cover to cover three times would turn out to be the best weapon ever? It provided me with such grenades as “Oh, dear Ashley, a Maid never raises uncomfortable subjects in public,
Magnolia Court Handbook
, chapter six, page twelve.” “A Maid never calls attention to another's physical condition, including pregnancy, unless it is mentioned by the other first or if assistance is necessary, chapter seven, page twenty-four.” This really made old Trashley see red. Who would have believed how much fun you could have with rules? So refreshing!

Time to interrupt our programming for some smokin'-hot news items:

LUKE CHURCHVILLE TOTALLY DRIVE-BY STALKED ME!

I am so serious. It happened a few days after the Episcopal Church incident. There I was on the roof outside my bedroom window lighting up a ciggie. (I had determined upon moving back to Grandmother's house that this was the least likely place to be caught smoking. After all, she wasn't going to haul her sixty-five-year-old self out there looking for me.) Anyway, it was around ten o'clock at night, when I suddenly spied a car turning onto my street a few blocks away. I didn't give it much thought UNTIL IT SLOWED DOWN as it approached my house. I'm talking, to a crawl. What in the world? It was some kind of older diesel sedan, oddly familiar, with headlights bulging like the eyes of a frog. I could see the outline of a face turned to look at my house. Whoever it was had angled their head in such a way that he/she/it could glance upstairs in the direction of my bedroom window. Seconds later, the car moved through the beams of a streetlight and that's when I saw—fanfare, please—the face of Luke Churchville! Turned up.
Looking at me
. Our eyes locked, and one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three…

His face jerked forward. The car, his dad's old convertible Mercedes, I think, sped up, and the moment was over. But the damage was done.

A grin spread across my face. Ear to frickin' ear. He was looking for me. Luke Churchville was drive-by-stalker looking for me. Nice.

News flash number two: MR. WALTER APPROVED THE BEACH CLEANUP FUND-RAISER! Mizz Upton was clearly not thrilled to relay that news to us, but we girls were psyched. With the exception of you know who! So now, in addition to rehearsals and dress fittings, we were out on a regular basis soliciting donations for the event, which we had decided to do the first Saturday in June.