New Title 1 (35 page)

Two months later he shot himself. Head-shot with the .45 Desert Chief while sitting in front of the television, test pattern casting multicolored bars across the broken remains of his face. A note pinned to his chest:
If I had it to do all over again, I would
. Oddy remembered finding a curved sliver of bone deep in the carpet years later, a tiny splinter of his father’s skull.

Oddy turned to Tripwire and said, “You know, the greatest joy of my father’s life was his garden. He’d plant these rows of tomatoes and sugarsnap peas, peppers and carrots. He was always fussing with fertilizers and humus to, y’know, get the most out of the soil. I remember him down on his hands and knees, working the earth with a mattock, awaiting those little sprigs of green…” Oddy’s eyes rose to the sky above, to the puffy night clouds, moon the size of a dime. “I’d never seen him more alive, more at peace. My father was a gardener, man. I mean, he was a soldier, but what he should’ve been was a gardener. But we hardly ever end up where we should, do we?”

Tripwire didn’t reply. He wasn’t being rude; he simply lacked the energy for conversation. He stumbled, took a knee, located some internal wellspring of strength and determination, stood, and continued on. He was panting helplessly, like a boxer at the end of a marathon bout. Sweat drenched his clothing and filled his eyes, freezing his lashes, blinding him. His stomach and chest were heavy, as though filled with wet stones. He felt like an egg pressed between cement blocks: the slightest pressure, the tiniest tap, and he’d shatter into a million messy pieces. The branches of the trees on either side of the trail joined overhead, and he felt as though he was groping through an endless tunnel. Shadowy shapes moved in the trees all around him. He retained the awareness that they might be nothing more than figments of a sleep-starved mind, and this kept him from firing wildly into the dark.

One foot, two foot. Left foot, right foot. Red fish, blue fish…

While his body applied itself to basic locomotion, Tripwire’s mind was free to wander. Memories flooded in and out with no clear sense of purpose or direction. He remembered fucking a whore in a Saigon brothel. A child had sat beside the bed, watching her mother thrust and moan. He remembered taking the whore’s hair in his fist and pulling as hard as he could. He’d needed to hear her scream. He’d needed the
girl
to hear her mother screaming. He didn’t know why he’d done that. Forty-eight hours earlier he’d knelt on the bank of a Mekong bay with a fisherboy’s headless body in his lap. But he still didn’t know why he’d done that thing to that woman.

He remembered another time he’d come across an American soldier in a bamboo plantation outside Than Khe. The man—the name stamped on his dogtag necklace read “Richardson”—had been captured by some sadistic NVA’s, who’d cut the bamboo at ground-level and lashed Richardson down over it, naked. By the time Tripwire came upon the clearing, the bamboo stalks, which grew at the rate of two inches per day, had grown nearly through the poor bastard. He remembered the stark greenness of the bamboo sticking out of Richardson’s pale chest and the plugs of tissue on the ground around his body, reminding Tripwire of plugs of dirt dotting a recently-aerated soccer field. He remembered the sly displacement of soil as bamboo pushed up through the earth, through Richardson—the fucking stuff grew so fast you could
hear
it. He remembered how one stalk had grown up through the man’s testicle sac, skewering one of his balls like a cocktail olive on a plastic sword. But somehow the man was still alive, alive and staring at Tripwire.

Richardson motioned with his eyes to his fatigues, which lay in a crumpled ball five feet away. Tripwire rifled the pockets: a toothbrush, dental floss, a set of brass knuckles, a rabbit’s foot (oh the fucking irony), two lambskin condoms and, in the breast pocket, a letter. “Is this what you want?” Tripwire said. Richardson nodded as best he could. All around the bamboo kept growing, growing.

Tripwire unfolded the letter and read the first few lines:
Dear Kevin, I hope all is well. Sally took this picture of me at the beach and she thought I should send it to you.
Tripwire looked at the photograph paper-clipped to the letter. The girl was a tall, big-boned blonde. Seventeen years old, Tripwire guessed, long white legs and blue eyes and skin like vanilla ice cream. “Do you want me to write to her—tell her what happened?” he asked. Richardson nodded again, but his eyes said something different—
don’t tell her I died like this
, those eyes said.
Tell her I died a hero
. Tripwire promised he would. Then he shot Richardson in the skull with a Swedish grease gun he took off a dead VC.

He never wrote the letter. Ten minutes after shooting Richardson, he pulled it from his pocket, tore it up, and scattered the pieces to the four winds.
People die
, was his thinking at the time.
Boys die out here all the time, die anonymously and without regard, and why should she know while a thousand other girls and mothers and fathers will never know?
And he didn’t want to lie.
Your boyfriend charged a VC machine gun nest, took down eight of them before one of the sneaking slant-eyed fucks nailed him
. No. He wouldn’t do that. It would be a validation of something he no longer believed in. So he ripped up that letter, the envelope with its return address, and tossed them into the sky.

But now, thinking back, he knows he should have written that letter, let the pretty big-boned blonde know what happened to the young man she had loved so many years ago. Lied, if he had to, because sometimes lies are okay, if they offer peace. But he did not write that letter. He ignored a dying young man’s last wishes.

Don’t go down that road, skip
. The voice in his head belonged to Freddy Achebe, his cameraman.
The past is the past. Leave it there.
Doesn’t matter now
.

But Tripwire realized, with bitter clarity, that it
did
matter. Of course it mattered. It mattered in the spaces between people, and it mattered in those sunless and empty spaces within every one of us. It mattered. And it hurt like hell.

Left foot, right foot. Hup-one, hup-two, load on up and break on through…

Why didn’t he write that letter? Why did he hurt that poor woman?
Why
?

Tripwire leaned over suddenly and retched into the brush, exhausted, moaning helplessly as his stomach spasmed. His feet were on fire, the pain nearly unbearable. His throat and tongue seemed covered with wooly felt. He didn’t know how much longer he could go. He knew if he slipped on the snow he would probably stay where he fell and not get up, staring up at the few stars visible through the naked tree branches, breathing hoarsely until his breath stopped altogether.

Answer slammed a flare alight and held it above his head. An umbrella of reddish light spread to illuminate the fringing firs. Obscured forms shrunk away from the light. Something with spidery limbs beyond numbering and flesh that glittered like wet fish scales skittered through the underbrush to his left. To his right another creature tracked steadily: segmented and cylindrical, trunk the circumference of a wine cask, pale and greasy as tallow. A massive maggot. Beyond these two were others, the sound and smell and surge of them unmistakable.

But they did not attack. They
wanted
to; Answer was sure of it. But something prevented them from doing so.

Twenty years ago, Answer had walked into the Green Beret hootch the day after A-303 Blackjack was disbanded. On a pike in the hootch’s center was the decaying head of a cougar. Next to it, on another pike, was the head of a Viet boy. The boy’s face was badly burned, and there were flies at his mouth and nose. Off in the gloom dim figures lounged on hammocks. Jangling tribal music came from a tape deck encircled by black candles.

Answer went out with them the next night. A low fog was sliding down from the mountains and, somewhere in the dark, music was playing. It was a chaotic, discordant sound, without rhythm or form or progression. It was the music of the jungle, and Answer soon realized it existed only inside his head.

After a while he broke away from the Greenies. He set off on his own, charting a private path. Sometimes he’d go barefoot to feel the soft soil underneath his feet. He went deep enough into the land and deep enough inside himself that he vanished from sight completely.

Alone like that, isolated from humankind, the realization dawned: There were no sides to be taken, no profound ideals worth fighting for.

There was no good. There was no evil.

There was only Chaos. The elemental Truth of Chaos.

He began to kill people at night. He ignored the color of their skin and the cut of their uniforms. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t killing Gooks and he wasn’t killing Yanks, although many nights he killed both. He’d cut their tongues out, if he could, and strung them on a loop of tungsten wire around his neck.

Never had he felt so alive and so
right
as he had during those jungle nights. That was, until now, with these nightmare creatures flanking him left and right.

Now and then, he felt the same: perfectly at home.

“Sarge?” Tripwire said. “Any idea how far we’ve come?”

Oddy shook his head. “Lost the map.” His shoulders slumped slightly. “My sense of direction is all screwed up, anyway. All we can do is keep moving forward.”

They lapsed into a protracted silence. There was only the sound of their boots crunching the hard-packed snow, their labored breathing. All the trees looked the same. The land described an endlessly-repeating loop, like a möbius strip. It was impossible to tell if they were breaking new ground or re-tracing old paths.

Oddy caught his reflection in the Webley’s nickel-plated cylinder: skin ash-gray and eyes deeply sunken in their sockets, stubble fuzzing the hollows of his cheeks, slashes of dried blood streaking his face like war paint. He seemed to have aged fifteen years in the past few days. His feet were now so frostbitten he felt as if he were walking on stumps of oak.

“Either of you got the time?” he asked. His own wristwatch currently resided at the bottom of Great Bear lake. “The date?”

Tripwire hiked his sleeve up and looked at his Seiko. The watchface was shattered, black liquid crystal seeping through the cracks to stain his fingers. He threw it to the ground and said, “Mine’s busted.”

“Answer?”

“Don’t carry one.”

“Of course not.”

They walked and walked. How long and how far became unknowable. Day blended into night. Snow blindness set in and after awhile all they could see was an endless expanse of white. Time stretched and became liquid, simultaneously inconsequential and of greatest possible importance. One foot in front of the other. And when they could go no further…take another step.

At some point the path bellied into a circle of bare earth ringed by tall trees. At the far side was a jumble of snow-covered branches—the skeleton of a bivouac? In front of it was a ring of snow-topped rocks—an abandoned fire pit? Oddy was rocked by a heady rush of déjà vu.

They walked to the clearing’s center. Tripwire’s foot snagged on something. He cleared snow away with the toe of his boot.

It was a parka. A blood-soaked parka, frozen rigid. A parka just like theirs.

Heart hammering, Tripwire cleared away more snow. Beneath a crack-glaze of blood, a name was sewn over the breast:

EDWARDS.

Behind them and around them arose a sound of stamping limbs and the crick-crackling of alien joints and the snuffling of seeking snouts…

Off to the west, seemingly within spitting distance, was the hill upon which they had been dropped. Beyond was the purple-hued sky that a Labrador helicopter would soon cleave with its dual blades.

They were so close.

So god
damn
close.

“And isn’t it true,” the repellently familiar voice came from behind them, “how all things that come around do so surely go around?”

««—»»

Anton Grosevoir hunched on the ground. His knees were spread and his arms hung between them, fingers brushing the snow. With his stubby arms and fat legs he looked for all the world like a bullfrog coiled to hop. He wore a vanilla suit, which remained as clean and unrumpled as the day they’d first met.