Next of Kin (21 page)

The woman raised her eyebrows in question. ‘Are you okay?’

Sarah nodded. ‘Yes,’ she whispered.

Her brother had never frightened her in life, she certainly wasn’t afraid of him in death. With great tenderness the woman lifted the sheet and folded it back to reveal Ryan’s face and a little of his neck. His skin was pale and blotchy, reddened here and there, the colour gone from his lips, and there was a graze across his forehead, but otherwise it looked as if he might be asleep, his features were in repose, his hair was tousled and still sun-bleached.

Sarah didn’t mean to gasp, didn’t mean to press a hand to her mouth to try and staunch the cry of despair. The woman’s expression folded into something between a supportive smile and a look of concern. Sarah glanced at her; what a job to have. How many times had the woman stood here with people whose hearts were broken, whose lives were in tatters?

‘Do you recognise this person?’

Sarah took a deep breath and nodded. ‘Yes, it’s my brother, Ryan.’

‘Thank you,’ the woman said, and then after a short dignified pause continued, ‘Would you like a moment or two?’

Sarah hesitated before replying. It was odd, because although it was obviously Ryan’s body lying there, he was absent. The real Ryan, her Ryan, was already gone. Just like in his flat the night before, it felt as if he had just stepped out. But she knew, too, that that was just wishful thinking.

‘Thank you,’ she murmured.

So Sarah was the one who told them that yes, it was Ryan and yes, she understood there would have to be a post-mortem and no, she didn’t mind signing some papers, although none of it felt real.

On the drive to the hospital she had planned to touch him but now she was here she didn’t want to feel Ryan cold. Instead, she talked to him. Told him how much she loved him, how she wished things could have been different between them at the end, how much she was going to miss him, how she missed him already – except that none of it was said aloud, the words were far too precious to share with anyone else, especially Woody who, now the formalities had been dealt with came in to be with her. Woody deserved nothing of this, no moment, no words.

‘I want to go home,’ she said after a moment or two more.

The woman nodded and covered Ryan’s body. No one else spoke.

Josh

‘I’d just got in from work. I picked up the paper while I was waiting for my supper to go ding. And there it was on the front page.
‘Joggers find body while on morning run.’
I was skimming through it when I realised that it was Ryan; it took my breath away. I had to read it again to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake. You never think it’ll be anyone you know, do you? And then when I re-read the article I thought about him ringing me and I realised that he had to have rung me that night. With Sarah’s phone number.’

‘You had rung before then?’

‘Yes, I just told you. I rang a couple of times after Ryan had called me but when I hadn’t heard anything and it was switched off, I wondered if I had made a mistake – maybe I’d misunderstood what Ryan meant. I mean, he was pissed. And I wasn’t sure what good it would do. Sarah had made it obvious that it was over, it felt a bit like a picking a scab.’

‘But you rang after you saw the newspaper?’

‘Of course, whatever else had happened I cared about her. I couldn’t imagine how it must feel. Given how things had been, I really hadn’t expected Sarah to pick up the phone when I rang, so I was surprised when she answered first time.’

‘She answered?’

‘Yes’

‘And what did she say?’

‘To be honest it was me who did most of the talking. I told her how sorry I was to hear about Ryan. And said if there was anything I could do – you know, the usual things. They sounded kind of trite, but they’re all I had.’

‘You didn’t talk about your relationship or Woody?’

‘No, no I didn’t. I was just so pleased to hear her voice but she sounded fragile and distant. I felt like if I didn’t take it slowly – carefully – that I might frighten her away.’

‘And did you offer to go round and see her, meet up?’

‘No, not at that point, she sounded stunned and sort of out of it. I wondered if she had been taking something. I mean you see it in films and on TV don’t you? People being sedated after a shock. I said I’d ring back at another time. She asked me how I‘d got her number and I told her Ryan had rung me from the pub and she asked me when, and then she told me what I had already thought, that that was the night he died. She went quiet, and then I told her that whatever she needed I was there.’

‘And did Sarah seem okay?’

‘What sort of question is that? What’s okay when you’ve lost someone like that? She was close to tears all the time. Like she was choking. I mean, you can’t really blame her, can you?’

‘Anything else?’

‘Yes, just as I was about to hang up. She told me that she loved me.’

‘And that was unexpected?’

‘I thought that she had stopped loving me. I thought that’s why she finished with me.’

‘And what did you say, Josh?’

‘That I loved her too. And then she said something like sometimes love isn’t enough. I didn’t really understand what she meant. She was upset. She told me that she didn’t want me to get involved, that she didn’t want me to getting hurt. And it might be better if I didn’t contact her again.’

‘What do you think she meant by getting hurt?’

‘I’d been in pieces since we split up. Love or no love, I think she didn’t want to offer me any false hope.’

‘So, she was worried that if you stayed in contact that you might suffer emotional pain, there was not any threat of violence?’

‘God no, at least I didn’t read it like that. I thought she was trying to stop me getting mashed all over again.’

‘But you felt you had renewed your connection with her?’

‘Yes and no – like I said, it was hard to judge exactly what was going on. In some ways it felt better, but…’

‘You were worried about her?’

‘Yes, I’ve been worried about her since we split up. The whole thing had just been so weird. I wanted to see her. Make it better. Isn’t that what men are supposed to do?’

‘So what did you do, Josh?’

‘I suggested that we meet up, talk, no strings. Sort things out. And she just laughed and said that there was no such thing as no strings, that everything was all tangled up, all tied together and that she couldn’t see me. That it was too dangerous.’

‘Dangerous? She used that word?’

‘I know. To be honest I wondered if Sarah might be having some kind of a breakdown. She didn’t strike me as that kind of a woman but anyway, in the end I decided not to push it, and to go round to the nursery and see if I could talk to her there instead. You know, neutral ground where she felt safe. Maybe take her for lunch like we did when we first met.’

‘And you told her that?’

‘No, I decided that I’d just do it, just in case she said she couldn’t or she made some sort of an excuse. I went early…’

Chapter Seventeen

The nursery had only just opened its doors when Josh drew into the car park and parked his truck up under the trees. The place was almost deserted. There were no customers in the main shop. Most of the poly tunnels and the big greenhouse were closed off to the public for cleaning and restocking. The only open tunnel was by the main entrance. It was packed with pansies, polyanthus and primroses, the path between the trays lined with cyclamen in every colour. Inside, a single, early-bird couple was wandering around picking out autumn bedding.

Josh made his way inside. He didn’t recognise the girl on the till so instead he headed off through the shop into the plant court and towards the rest of the tunnels. As he turned the corner, he spotted a familiar figure in one of the closed tunnels, working at a potting bench. Josh picked his way round between the shrubs and trees in pots to the doorway and called out.

‘Anessa?’

She looked up in surprise, and pushed back a strand of hair with the back of her gloved hand. ‘Hi, Josh. You’re about early this morning. How are you? Come on in. How can I help?’ She glanced back over her shoulder to a trolley piled high with trays of new plants. ‘Are you looking for winter bedding? We’ve just had some really nice heathers in.’

He smiled. ‘I’m not after plants at the moment. I wondered if Sarah is around today?’

Anessa shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, but she’s not here at the moment. She’s taken a few days off.’ Anessa paused. ‘You heard about Ryan?’

Josh nodded. ‘It’s one of the reasons I’m here, that and to see how she is. How’s she doing? Is she okay?’

Anessa pulled a face. ‘It depends what you mean by okay. We don’t really talk much these days. I mean, we talk about work and things, but not like we used to. Not since she got married.’

Josh stopped mid-stride; it felt as if someone had punched him. ‘Married? Are you kidding?’

Anessa reddened. ‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Josh. Didn’t you know? I thought you must have heard. She got married to that guy who was living there with them. The lodger. You know the one. I went to the wedding.’

‘Not Woody?’ said Josh in amazement.

Anessa nodded. ‘It must have been a couple of months ago now, if not longer. I’m so sorry. I don’t think Woody likes her working very much. He’s always ringing her up, and he brings her here first thing and is here to meet her at the end of the day. Proper possessive I reckon. It would drive me crazy, but she won’t hear a word against him.’

Josh shook his head. ‘I don’t know what to say. I kept away because Sarah was so upset last time.’ His voice faded. ‘I’d got no idea.’

Anessa sighed and peeled off her work gloves. ‘Neither had we, it was a total bolt out of the blue. To be honest I thought…’ she paused, as if measuring her words.

‘What?’

‘I thought that if Sarah was going to be marrying anyone it would have been you, Josh. Ever since I’ve known her she has always played her cards close to her chest. She’s not one to open up much about her private life, but she was constantly dropping your name into the conversation;
Josh this, Josh that
.’ Anessa smiled. ‘She talked about you all the time and then, out of the blue, there was this thing with Woody. I tried to talk to her about it but she said there was nothing to talk about. I assumed you two had split up, and that she had maybe got together with him on the rebound. I mean it happens – you’re feeling low and someone offers you a shoulder. But even so I was really surprised when she told me she was getting married to him. And so quickly too. But then she told me that she had been going out with him before but he wouldn’t commit until he saw her with you – but I’m not convinced. I think she needed something to make it sound like it wasn’t a spur of the moment thing.’

Josh nodded, trying to gather his thoughts. ‘I don’t know what to say. I spoke to her last night.’

‘And she didn’t tell you?’ said Anessa.

‘I didn’t really give her much of a chance. I rang up when I heard about Ryan.’

Anessa shook her head. ‘God, isn’t that awful? I couldn’t believe it. So sad. I mean, he was always a bit of a lad, but really nice, you know. He was such a flirt,’ she said with a grin. ‘And they were really close. I can’t imagine how she must feel at the moment.’

Josh nodded. ‘So have you seen her?’

Anessa shook her head. ‘No, not since she rang in and told the boss about Ryan. I’ve tried ringing a couple of times but I can’t get through. I was thinking of maybe sending a card but…’ There was something else in her voice.

‘But what?’ pressed Josh.

Instead of replying Anessa shook her head again.

‘I thought you might have been round there,’ said Josh. ‘Are you saying you haven’t seen her at all since Ryan died?’

Anessa glanced over her shoulder as if there was some possibility that she might be overheard. ‘I know it’s not right, especially at the moment when she needs her friends, and if things were right between me and Sarah I’d be round there like a flash. I’d be there now. Sarah and I have been friends for years, more or less since she started here. But it feels like Woody is always around, in your face, like he is afraid to leave her on her own. Something happened, something changed, and I don’t know exactly what it was. It’s like she just shut me out. I tried to talk to her before the wedding and afterwards, about Woody and what was going on, but she wasn’t having any of it.’

‘Sarah sort of pushed me away. She made it obvious that whatever I’d got to say she didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to get into the middle of this, Josh, but I think there is something really odd going on there.’

‘Odd? Like what?’

‘I don’t know what exactly, but at the wedding – ’ Anessa hesitated.

‘What?’ pressed Josh. ‘Please. I need to know.’

‘Beforehand I said we ought to have a hen night but she told me that it wasn’t her style – anyway I asked her why she was getting married so quickly and why him – I tried not to be heavy about it, but as her friend I was worried in case she was making a mistake. She more or less blanked me, and told me that basically it was none of my business, and that it was something she had to do.
Had to
is a funny way to describe getting married. I did wonder if she was pregnant. You know what Sarah’s like, a bit old fashioned, and I could see that maybe that was why she felt she had to. So I asked her. And then she was
really
angry with me, and said of course not, so I asked her if she loved him, and she teared up and said that of course she did. But if I’m honest I didn’t believe a word of it.’

‘You were going to tell me about the wedding,’ said Josh gently.

‘Oh god yes, sorry. There were a couple of things really that just didn’t ring right. First of all at the reception back at their place Woody had had a bit to drink. It was quite late on, and they had only had like buffet food, crisps and snacks and things, most people had gone home. I was in the sitting room and he came in and started flirting with me. I mean, like really flirting, not jokey or anything.’

‘This was Woody?’

Yes, I know – it was bizarre, and to begin with I thought maybe I might be reading it wrong, but the more I’ve thought about it since the more sure I am. He was definitely coming on to me. Anyway, Sarah came in and he stopped, obviously. Then during the conversation Sarah was telling Woody that my family come from the same region of Pakistan as his. My uncle – that’s my dad’s brother – has got an export business in Quetta. I’ve only been there once with my mum and dad when my cousin got married. We’d talked about it at work when I’d asked her about who Woody was. Anyway, I asked him if he knew any of my father’s family. Just like conversation, nothing heavy – I know it was a long shot, but their business is quite well known in Quetta and my uncle is really well connected.’

‘So what happened?’

‘Oh god, Woody looked like a scalded cat. I think I wished him good luck in Pashto and his expression just froze, and he said that he didn’t speak anything other than English in front of Sarah because he didn’t want to exclude her. He was really short with me about it. Like
really
pissed. I tried to make a joke of it, laugh it off, but he was deadly serious. And then he said that he didn’t want to talk about Quetta, that that part of his life was over. His parents weren’t coming to their wedding and them being so anti had left a sour taste in his mouth. They weren’t very pleased about him marrying Sarah and as far as he was concerned he had cut all ties with them. This was his home now he said. The thing is, I can understand him feeling like that, but I didn’t know about it and he was really abrupt and rude and he kept on about it. I mean, I didn’t know how upset he was. Sarah was so embarrassed. So I backed off and changed the subject. But it was awkward, and…’

‘And?’

‘And I thought there was a lot more to it than that, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.’ Anessa hesitated and then waved the words away. ‘Sorry, this is just me speculating. All I know is that I tried to talk to Sarah about Woody and the wedding a couple of days later. She’d already said that they wouldn’t be going on a honeymoon. Reading between the lines I don’t think they could afford it. Anyway she popped in to collect a present that the girls had bought her. Woody brought her in and was all smiles. She’d got cakes for everyone. She kept saying it was Woody’s idea, and we all took photos.’ Anessa stopped.

‘The thing is, Josh, and it might just be my imagination but none of it felt right. It felt staged, like a show. And Sarah looked absolutely terrible. Woody kept joking about her having the hangover from hell, but I was there at the reception, she barely drank anything. I was worried about her.’ She stopped. ‘I still am worried about her, and more now that she hasn’t got Ryan.’

Josh

‘As soon as I got outside in the car park I rang Sarah. The call went straight to voice mail. I left a message to tell her that I was coming round to see her. I couldn’t believe that she was married. It just seemed crazy. I loved her. I told her that I didn’t care what she said or what excuses she had, I was on my way round, we needed to talk.’

‘And what happened.’

‘Nothing.’

‘She didn’t reply?’

‘No, but like I said that wasn’t going to stop me. I wanted to sort this out once and for all.’