Nice Couples Do (2 page)

However, while we used to be able to freely go outside of our primary relationship to try to find what we’d been looking for, it is now imperative for us to find a way to communicate our desires to our partner and try new activities at home. In the age of AIDS, sport fucking is a thing of the past, or soon will be. The penalty for promiscuity may be death. We must do our experimenting at home! And that is where the fun begins.

For the last five years, I have had a monogamous relationship with a wonderful man named Ed. Over those years, Ed and I have discovered and explored our varied appetites, and they are, in most cases, not very different. We more than meet each other’s needs and we still experiment and find new things to enjoy together. That is not to say that all our experiments give both of us equal pleasure. Some games we have tried and discarded because one or the other of us didn’t enjoy them.

What is the secret of our mutual exploration? First, we have accepted that anything we want to try that doesn’t hurt anyone and that gives us both pleasure is okay. Second, we have learned how to communicate—how to make suggestions and how to say no. Third, we have learned that a fully rewarding sexual life is worth the limited risks we do take and we have learned how to communicate to minimize those risks. We have explored many areas of off-center sex, using bookmarking, as Pete and I did. We expanded by using erotic stories both to excite each other and to explore other sexual possibilities. We had to learn through experience, and we made many mistakes along the way.

Over the years since Pete and I first explored new types of sexual activity, I have read many books about creative sex. I looked for suggestions about other activities Ed and I could try and some of the problems we might encounter with them. I had hoped that some would help me to avoid various awkward situations my partner and I got into. While many of those other books and articles said “Try something new,” “Make love in the bathroom,” “Buy some sexy lingerie or some sex toys,” none of them went into much detail about what to try or how to get past the embarrassment of trying to buy toys or underwear. None of them talked about rug burns or giggling at just the wrong moment or why I don’t have seventeen orgasms every night. And none of them covered ways to minimize the risks while you communicate a desire to be tied to the bed or to try anal sex. My partner and I had to muddle through on our own and we learned a lot.

So now you know about me. Like J, the author of
The Sensuous Woman,
I’m someone who stumbled on new ways to increase the range of my sexual activity. And I’ve found a new way to communicate with my sexual partner—a way that works. I wrote this book to share with you the wonderful things I’ve learned.

This book goes further than any other book you’ve read about sexual creativity. It will use both narrative and erotic literature to suggest new activities that might be enjoyable both to you and your partner. It will also discuss some communication techniques that I have used to suggest things about which I had a hard time talking. It will cover many of the things that I have learned the hard way so you can avoid some of the awkwardness and embarrassment I’ve experienced.

As you read, try to keep your mind open. You needn’t be interested in “kinky sex” to benefit. This book can help you express any desires from “I think I’d like to be touched this way” to “Have you ever considered making love while dangling from a chandelier?”

Nothing I will say here is a panacea, a cure-all for an ailing relationship. In any relationship, however, there are new things that remain to be discovered if partners can find a way to communicate. Wouldn’t it be a shame if you and your partner had the same sexual fantasies but you never found a way to share them?

So the intention of this book is to assist communication, not to advocate a change in your lifestyle—unless you want one.

WRITING THIS BOOK

Pronouns were a problem for me as I wrote this book. As a woman, I tend to write from the female point of view. However, there is very little here that is specific to one sex or the other. So I often use the word
partner,
trying to avoid references to the gender of your vis-à-vis.

Personally, I am irritated by attempts to eliminate sexism in books by using a he/she construction. It offends my ear, if nothing else, and much of this book is meant to be read aloud. However, in writing this book, it was sometimes necessary to use the words
he
or
she.
I solved the problem in the only way I felt I could. I used the words at random, sometimes changing the gender in the middle of a paragraph. In most cases, the gender of the character is immaterial. Of course, if you are reading aloud, change the pronouns to suit.

There may be women reading this who feel that there are situations and suggestions that are anti-feminist or chauvinistic, that the man’s needs dominate my writing. I’m not advocating turning any woman into a sex machine whose job it is to please her man at the expense of her self. As a matter of fact, I’m saying just the opposite. Both sexes have needs, valid ones that deserve to be discussed and satisfied, as long as both partners agree. Being sexy is in no way antifeminist. One of the goals of the feminist movement is to make women aware of their own needs and desires and convince them to ask for what they want. Relax and don’t get hung up on sexism.

Besides sexism, words presented me with another problem in writing this book. I read a lot of erotic literature and I am sometimes turned off by what I read. Most of the time, my reactions are triggered not by the actions involved but by the language used. Therefore, one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make while writing this book was what to call vaginas and penises.

One approach is to call genitals by their correct anatomical names. However, some people find those terms very clinical and a sexual turnoff. I sympathize. A colorful phrase here and there titillates the senses and adds to erotic stimulation.

On the other hand, many erotic magazines go to extraordinary lengths to use “sexy” words and phrases and to avoid repetition. Personally, I find the terms
hungry love tunnel
and
throbbing pole
turnoffs. Those publishers sell magazines, though, so there must be people out there who find those phrases exciting.

The end result of all my editorial musing was the rerealization that what turns some people on, turns others off, and, of course, that’s what this book is about.

Therefore, in writing this book, I have used the words
penis
and
vagina,
as well as
cock, cunt,
and
pussy.
I think they are terms that will not offend too many readers.

As you already know, the book you are reading is about sex. It is explicit, filled with erotic stories and suggestions that you can use to enhance your sexual relationship.

If you usually skip the sexy parts of a novel because you want to get on with the story, or you won’t see an R-rated movie for fear of being grossed out, maybe you shouldn’t continue reading. Put the book back on the shelf or, if you have already bought it, give it to a friend who might benefit from it.

If you have received this book as a gift from a husband, wife, or lover, congratulations. Someone out there is trying to tell you something wonderful—to suggest that there are new things that you might enjoy together.

If there are sections that you view as “kinky,” and they offend you, skip them.

Most important, don’t prejudge. If you find yourself labeling the book as a whole or sections of it “good” or “bad,” stop. Suspend your value judgments. Things that are enjoyed privately by you and your partner harm no one and can improve your relationship. And the communication skills that you master in the bedroom cannot help but spill over into other aspects of your life together.

Remember, the only important value judgments are “I never considered that before, but it might feel good,” or “That doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy,” or even “Yuch. Not my thing.”

Now that you know why I wrote this book and how I wrote it, settle back and open your mind. Read and enjoy.

2

BOOKMARKING—WHY AND HOW

B
ookmarking, the technique that Pete and I used to explore our mutual interests, worked well for us. Throughout this book, I have used stories to illustrate my ideas and I’m suggesting that you use the same stories to communicate with your partner.

Why do we need help discussing sex with our partner? Because many of us have never learned how. As a matter of fact, many of us never learned that it was okay or even possible to admit to ourselves that we wanted or needed something different, much less to discuss those needs with anyone.

Sexual communication in its simplest form has been going on since the first caveman grunted his version of “Assume the position,” and the first cavewoman grunted back, “Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.”

Over the years, mankind has come a long way. Books such as
The Joy of Sex
and
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex
… have taught us much. Dr. Ruth Westheimer has done a herculean job of dragging us, stammering and blushing, out of the dark ages of sexual communication. We now read articles such as “How to Achieve Orgasm in Your Camper,” “Fun with Ice and Feathers,” and “The Erogenous Zone that Brings Instant Orgasm” in our favorite magazines. Most of us can now even say
vagina
and
penis
without giggling.

Some of us have come far enough to say to our partner, “I’d like to try something different,” but can we verbalize what that something is? I’m afraid many of us can’t.

Maybe she would like to tell him that she would like to play doctor. Maybe he would like to tell her that he would enjoy being spanked.

But sexual communication carries risk.

Will he think that he’s not satisfying me and will he be terribly hurt?

Will she think I’m not man enough to become aroused by what we’re already doing?

Will he think that I’m some kind of pervert for wanting something that’s a little off center?

Will she be so turned off by my suggestion that she’ll never get excited by me again?

Will he think that I’m not woman enough to be excited by the ordinary?

Will she laugh at me?

Will he think I’m a bimbo?

Will she be mad?

Will he be mad? And on and on…

The rewards of successful sexual communication are enormous. I think that most people want to please both their partner and themselves, and throughout this book I’ll try to help you discover ways to do both.

Before we explore what to try, let me try to answer one basic question. How can you minimize the risk? I am advocating nonspoken, nonthreatening sexual communication. That’s part of what this book is about: using erotic literature as a tool.

Erotic writing and storytelling is designed to arouse and stimulate lovemaking. The word
erotica
comes from the Greek
erotikos,
“of or caused by love.” That Greek word derives from Eros, the Greek god of love. Please don’t confuse this with pornography, which is defined as “written, graphic, or other forms of communication intended to excite lascivious [lustful or lewd] feelings.” This word comes from
porne,
the Greek word for harlot.

I’m suggesting that you use erotica as a communication tool the way I did with Pete and still do with Ed.

There are two ways to start. Either read this book yourself, then use a bookmark to indicate something that excites you, and give the volume to your partner to read in private, or give the book to your partner unmarked and let him or her do the bookmarking.

Of course, if, while you’re reading, you find a section of this book so exciting that you want to put the book aside and make passionate love to your partner, forget the bookmark and go for it. If you’re lucky, it will take weeks for you to finish the book and you’ll enjoy the frequent interludes even before you start bookmarking.

Don’t feel that you have to read all the stories I’ve written. Some may not interest you. However, by reading the entire book, you may become aware of sexual games that you never thought about before but that intrigue you. There are also small items in each story that you might want to mark: a particular position or a place to make love, a toy to play with, or a role to play.

After you have read as much as you want, select an idea, a situation, a position, or whatever and mark it. Use a bookmark dog-ear the page, or underline or highlight a particular sentence or paragraph. Then give this book to your partner, or leave it where he can find it. If you want to, you can read sections of the book aloud.

Another way to use this volume is to give the unmarked book to your partner and suggest that he bookmark a section and give it back to you. But whatever way you choose to use this book, continue to use it. Your first bookmark shouldn’t be your last.

Don’t panic if you are the recipient of the book, unmarked. Open your mind and relax. Someone is trying to tell you something wonderful. You have just gotten one of the best compliments you have ever received. Your partner has said to you, “I think that you are open-minded enough to understand what I am trying to tell you. I want to have fun with you. I want us to enjoy something new, together. I don’t want to fantasize alone anymore. I want to share my fantasies with you or even act one out. What would you like to try?”

Do what I did. Select a story that appeals to you and put a bookmark on the first page of the article. If only a small section of a story appeals to you, mark the page, or write in the margin.

If the idea of acting out a situation or trying a new scenario doesn’t appeal to you yet, bookmark one of the “Bedtime Stories” at the end of the book that might be fun to read aloud or just read silently together. Be sure to clarify whether you want to read aloud or act out.

Whatever you’ve chosen, give the book back to your partner. If you find the whole thing very embarrassing, that’s all right. Slip the book under your partner’s pillow, on the seat of the car, or in a briefcase.