Nice Girl (3 page)

Then silence.   The kid who saw his ice cream cone get dropped on the floor has even stopped crying.  Eve quickly scoops the biggest hunk of ice cream I’ve ever seen and hands it to him.  He walks away with a huge smile.  Quickly the chaos returns. 

“Okay, Janie, that was awkward.  Can we discuss this tonight after closing?”

Janie grumbles okay and goes back to her post.  She looks so sad, which in turn, makes me sad.  There I go again, feeling what anyone around me is feeling. 

Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling myself. 

I, too, feel overwhelmed.  Dee decided last night that we need some sort of
pact
.  Since we all lost our virginity around the same time, we needed to put all our psychic energy together and make sure each of us experiences an orgasm within the year.  According to Dee, it can’t be with vibrators.  She
claims
that is too fake.  Eve correctly pointed out that since Dee herself had never experienced an orgasm, who is she to judge what is real and what is fake?  Dee had an answer for that.  I swear she is going to be an excellent lawyer some day.  For a gal with limited experience, she convinced us all that we truly won’t be complete until we get the whole package.  Orgasm followed by hot lusty sex.  She claims that can’t be accomplished with a vibrator.

I turn to the next customer.  An adorable little girl around eight.

“What can I get you, cutie?”  I am hoping the faster I go and the bigger scoops I turn out, the little buggers will get distracted and not run and tell their parents what Janie just blurted out. 

“I’d like chocolate chip please.  I’d like my scoop as big as that kid and what’s a vibrator?”

Chapter 3

The tears just wouldn’t stop coming out.  Here I am at the airport saying goodbye to Eve.  She was so excited and I was a mess.  UGGG!  Stop crying, I told myself, you are being such a baby.

“Eve, I must be PMSing”

“Oh Grace, I will miss you too!” Eve’s eyes started to well up. 

“See I am doing it to you too.  I promised Dee I wouldn’t become a blubbering idiot.”

“Dee called me this morning from Chicago.  She is one to talk.  We both started crying.”

“Really?  Tough as steel, Dee?”

“Yes, then she had nerve to tell me to remember our pact.  As soon as we….. you know” Eve lowered her voice and looked around.   Her mom had gone to the café to buy Eve a sandwich for the plane.  Even though Eve was adamant she would land in time for lunch, her mom insisted.  I think Eve’s mother wanted to hold on to taking care of her daughter for a few more minutes.  Eve rolled her eyes but I thought it was sweet.  It made me miss my mom. 

“As soon as we have
real
sex.” I grinned.

“Shhh, believe me, my mom can hear you all the way from that deli.”

“Oh, Eve.  I’m going to miss you so much.  Janie left yesterday.  You today.  Dee is staying in the city.  I feel like I lost everything.”

Eve knew what I meant when I talked about loss.  My mom died two years ago from breast cancer.  We were close.  Well, not close enough to discuss sex.  My mom was a different generation when it came to that.  I had my girlfriends for
those
discussions.   Still, I always felt loved, supported and taken care of.  When you lose that, then you actually realize what you had.  I was not close with my dad.  Growing up, he was never home.  He usually came home from work well after dinner had past.  He walked in the house starving, my mother fed him, and the last thing he wanted to deal with was two little girls. 

I also wasn’t close to my sister.  We were four years apart but it might as well have been an entire generation.  We didn’t fight or clash.  We were just totally different people.  We supported each other when my mom died but quickly enough, we went our separate ways.  My sister works in human resources and still lives at home.  She is only 25 and rarely goes out anymore.  My biggest fear right there. That my life will become meaningless and boring.

“Grace, I promise I will keep in touch with you.  Someone has to encourage you to get out of Lake Wacone.  I will call you every day and harass you if I have to!”

“No, you won’t have to harass me.  After Janie left yesterday, I did some soul searching last night.  Even had a long talk with my dad.  Now, doesn’t that shock you?”

“I could kill you!  You made a major decision and you’re just letting me know now?  When I’m 30 minutes from getting on a plane?”

“Well, today is about you, not me.  However, I do have you to thank.  I had been thinking about your decision to go to graduate school.”

“And?”

“I applied last night online to the graduate program in criminology at John Adams College in New York City.  If I excel my first year, then I can do a combined masters and PhD program.”  I was beaming.  It was kind of embarrassing but I couldn’t help myself.

Eve screamed which is probably not the smartest thing to do in an airport.  But then she started hugging me so people moved on.

“Grace, that will be perfect for you!  You always said you loved your classes.  Even though you didn’t know what you were going to do with what you learned.”

“I was kind of frustrated with my degree but then I thought hard about what I wanted to do.   I never liked some of the options that were encouraged with a criminal justice degree.  You know.  Law enforcement, probation, parole, social work.  But then I started thinking about the whole experience last night.  Well, you’re right, Eve.  I did love my classes.  The history of crime, the psychology, the family dynamics.  Even those horrid statistics I found interesting.  So, I thought.  Maybe I would love to teach.”

“College Professor.  Damn girl. That has a nice ring to it.”

“Okay, Eve.  I just paid $7.00 for this sandwich so you better eat it.” Eve’s mom cuts in.    How do moms always appear out of nowhere?

“Mom, Grace is going to graduate school in New York City.”

“Oh Grace, are you sure?  That is such a dangerous place.  What does your father think about it?”

“Well, he offered to pay my tuition.  He says my mother would’ve wanted him to.”  I wanted to add that he could care less that I would be gone.  Whether it was New York City or Timbuktu.  He never noticed if I was coming or going before.  Yet I was cognizant that it was very generous of him to pay for graduate school.  I didn’t want to sound ungrateful because I felt emotionally abandoned growing up.  With my three best friends following their dreams, I was damn lucky I had an opportunity to follow mine.

“But Grace, why New York?  Did you think about going to graduate school closer to home?”

“Mom!  Stop the interrogation.  Have you noticed your own daughter is going 1000 miles to live on an American Indian reservation?”

  “Yes, Eve, but unfortunately, you have always been my wild and brave one.  Grace here is the sensitive type.  I’m afraid those New Yorkers will eat her up.”

“That’s why I’m going.”  I say it so softly that Eve’s mom doesn’t hear.  She is too busy checking Eve’s things.  But Eve hears.

“Mom, I know there won’t be any Starbucks on a reservation.  Can you treat me to a latte before I go?  I’ll just bring it on the plane.”

“Oh, of course.  Anything for my baby girl.  I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, Grace.  Look at that line at the espresso bar.  We have at least 10 minutes.  Spill it!  Why New York City?”

“I love you Eve, but this is hard to talk about.”

“Hard to talk about?  We tell each other everything.”

“I know but I don’t know if I understand it myself.”

“Does this have to do with the whole orgasm pact?  That conversation seemed to shake you up.”

“Why does everyone notice what I am feeling?  Okay, here goes.”  I take a deep breath. “I feel totally intimidated by men when it comes to relationships.  That I did figure out last night.  I feel weak and I hate it.  When I think about having sex again, I actually start to hyperventilate.  I don’t think I can ever have casual sex again.  It’s too risky.  I’m tired of feeling disappointed.  Tired of feeling….
empty
.” 

“Oh, Grace.  I do understand that.  I really do.  I am sick of immature assholes myself!  But why New York City?”

“Remember the stories I used to tell about when I was in grade school and all I did was play with the boys in the neighborhood?”

“You want to play with the boys in New York City?”  Eve snickers.

“I know it sounds stupid, but yeah, sort of.  When I was a little kid, it was the only time in my life where I felt confident and strong with the male gender.  It even kind of came back when I hung out with my nerdy guy group at college.  I never felt intimidated.  They were my closest friends at college. Not women, those guys!   Don’t get me wrong.  Nothing will ever replace you, Dee, and Janie. You all are my sisters.  I just feel like if I don’t challenge myself now, I never will again.  I figured the biggest bunch of prick men have to be in New York City.  Lord knows my graduate major will be overwhelmingly male.  I plan on going there and kicking ass!  No man is ever going to make me feel weak again.    I’m sorry, Eve but Dee can fuck herself if she thinks I am going into an orgasm pact within the year.      No more sex for me until I toughen up.”

“I actually have goose bumps, Grace.  What do you mean you have me to thank?  You just inspired me!  I’m holding out too.  I have had it with men anyway.”

“Are you sure, Eve, with your new hot body?”  I teased.

Eve just recently lost a lot of weight.  I was kind of jealous.  She and I are close in height and we both always struggled with the scale.  We weighed in the 140’s which is definitely chunky for our five foot three frames.  As soon as she found out she got the scholarship for free graduate tuition in exchange for teaching on the American Indian reservation, she really focused on losing weight. I, on the other hand, didn’t stop feeding my emotions with free ice cream at the shop we worked at. 

“The scale said 127 this morning, girl!”

“Eve, that is incredible.”  I kept thinking about how I would feel 10 to 15 pounds thinner.  It would definitely help my confidence level.  “I saw how much you worked out.  I have four months before the spring semester starts.  If I’m going to invent a whole new me, I might as well have a kick ass figure to match the ass I am going to kick in New York!”

“You know, Grace, I like the sound of that.  We are entering a new phase in our lives and I can tell you are more than ready for it.  You, Dee, and Janie always painted me as the brave one.  I don’t know if you realize it but within you is one bold and fearless woman.  I can’t wait to see how your new adventure unfolds.”   

Chapter 4

Within you is one bold and fearless woman.

Eve’s words to me were exactly the catalyst I needed to get going on the new me.  I had four months to get in shape.  Luckily, the ice cream shop closed after Labor Day.  I give into temptation too easily.  I knew once my stomach started grumbling, it would be too easy to eat my favorite comfort food – ice cream.

Losing my part time job though did make me realize I needed to earn some money for New York.  My father was going to cover my tuition and graduate housing.  However, the rest was up to me.    When it came to finding a part time job, my neighbor saved the day.  Her sister, Jenn, had a baby six months ago and was now going back to work.  Due to a passport problem, the au pair was not going to be able to start until January.  It was perfect for me.  A few months of babysitting for shockingly ……a lot of money.    And cash too!  Wow, nannies made that much money?    

I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly the four months flew by.  I started my babysitting job early in the morning.   Jenn and her husband often did not get home until 6pm or later.  I had more respect for working parents then I ever did in my entire life.  They both looked so tired when they walked in the door from their commute in the city.  Then, they had to deal with fussy baby Suzy.  I actually felt guilty as I watched soap operas and game shows with little Suzy on my lap.  What a job.  Suzy often took a nap in the morning and that was when I made sure the house was cleaned top and down for Jenn.  She told my neighbor that I was the nicest girl she could have ever gotten.  I didn’t look at it that way.  I was making three hundred dollars a week cash.  The least I could do was some serious cleaning.  Part of the reason for my guilt too was that I used Suzy’s long afternoon nap to work out like a crazy woman.  I was dripping sweat when I was done.   Within weeks I started to see changes in my body.  Thank goodness both Jenn and her husband were health nuts so there never was any food that I was worried would blow my diet. 

Very quickly, January came.   As I loaded up the rental car for the drive to New York, I felt surreal.  I had been getting more than my fill of text messages from Dee, Janie, and Eve counting down the days.  Now the time had finally arrived.  I should have been nervous.  I was about to throw myself in an atmosphere that I felt deficient in.  If anyone else had told me that this was
their
plan.  To surround yourself with the very element that scares you.   Fencing yourself in an environment that made you unsure, lacking, weak, I would have thought they were crazy. 

However, I started dreaming of the day I became Professor Grace Locke.  I saw myself standing behind a lectern, facing a sea of young faces and discussing a subject that I found a passion in.  I couldn’t wait until I could teach those lessons on the history of criminology.    I would lecture on medical studies on the brains of criminals during the 18
and 19
century and how they still influence our thoughts about crime today.  I would make sure I posted pictures on the smartboard of the archaic torture devices that criminals had to endure.   I would relish in the fact that a few female students would get queasy and the male students would love the gore. 

I pictured myself in one of those power suits.  Only it would be tailored to my body perfectly.  Even in a blazer, you could see a waist and curves.  My skirt would be short enough to see nicely shaped legs but not too short to be looked at as unprofessional.