Night Fires (21 page)

His hand found mine and his fingers threaded through mine. He nodded, urging me to go on.

“Every single breath I took seemed like it was mocking me, torturing me because I could still take breath when my family couldn’t. It was unbearable living. Life became so bloody hard that I just didn’t want it. I wanted my family back. I wanted normality. I wanted to hold my baby in my arms and bury my nose into his hair again. I wanted to hear him shout ‘
Mummy
’. I wanted to see my little brother’s smile and to share his laughter. I wanted to feel the arms of my mother holding me close when it hurt. But she couldn’t hold me this time. She couldn’t tell me it would all be okay. She couldn’t make it better again.”

Carter knelt up and wiped at my tears. “I know, Alice. But suicide?”

“It was the only way out.”

He shook his head, both of his hands now framing my face as he made me look at him. “No. Death took your family. How can you even condone reciprocating that?”

“It was the only way out,” I repeated.

“Then why wait? It’s been a year, Alice. If you are that determined, why wait?”

I licked at my dry lips and stared straight into his beautiful eyes. “Because I promised them retribution before I joined them.”

He blinked, the horror on his face making me pull away from him.

“Don’t judge me, Carter. If someone had killed Elizabeth I have no doubt that you would do exactly the same thing.”

“No.” He shook his head firmly. “You’re wrong. You’re so wrong. You think killing Niall would make any of this better? You think taking a life balances out what happened to your family? To Josh?”

“Yes. Yes I do. He doesn’t deserve to live when he decided to play God with the only people who loved me! Do you want to know why I planned and paid for my own funeral, Carter?”

He stared at me but didn’t answer.

“Because no one would be here to bury me. No one would pick hymns. No one would put flowers on my coffin. No one would shed a tear, because there is no one left. He took that from me. I don’t want the government coughing up for a goddamn pitiful funeral. I don’t want a cardboard coffin. I had to do it myself because there’s no one left to do it for me!” And that horrifying truth hit me once again. “Loneliness is cruel, Carter. It’s cruel!”

He scooped me into his arms and held me, his hold on me as strong as the force of my despair. “But I’m here now, Alice. I’m here now. I’m never going to let loneliness eat you up again. I will shed a tear for you. I will hold you and tell you it will be okay. I’ll take away all your hurt, and I promise to share so much laughter with you.”

I cried harder, burying my face into his firm chest as I nodded.

“I love you.” His whispered words broke something inside me, and the pain, the suffering, the grief all left me in a surge of emotion that took my breath away. I had never expected anyone to say those words again. My ears had never anticipated hearing those three little words again. My heart had never expected to feel the strength of those three little words again. And my soul had never relied on hearing those three little words again. And when they came they fractured the pain that had been locking down the last part of my grief and liberated all the emotion that came with it.

I pulled at him, needing him closer. “Say it again.”

“I love you. I love you. All of you, Alice. I love your wild red hair, I love your stunning smile. I love your scars, and I love the random shit that comes out of your mouth. I love hearing your laugh, and I love seeing the way you look at me.”

I leaned up, kissing him as each word burrowed inside and chipped away at the hardness inside me.

“I love the ecstasy on your face when you come for me. I love the way you feel underneath me. I love the soft feel of your skin next to mine. I love to feel the beat of your heart under my palm when I press my hand to your chest.”

I kissed him harder, whimpering as his reverence tore me apart.

“I love your stubbornness. I love your fight. I love your determination. I love your compassion. I just love you, Alice Bird. Every – single – bit – of – you.”

His arms slipped around me and he kissed me back, taking over until I was putty under him. His passion and adoration brought me back to reality with a softness that made my heart beat properly for the first time in a year.

“I love you too,” I whispered.

He closed his eyes as if my words gave him the utmost pleasure. A long sigh left him and he smiled softly. “I wasn’t sure whether you were going to hit me.”

I giggled.

“I mean, you did let me go on a bit before you said it back.”

His humour was much needed and after the seriousness of the last hour, it was very welcome.

“Well, I thought I’d give you the limelight for a while. But yeah, you can definitely go on a bit.”

He growled playfully and I laughed when he pushed me back into the chair and tickled me with his beard. “Long or not,” he mumbled into my neck. “I meant every word.”

Running my thumb over the outline of his cheekbone, I sighed, suddenly anxious. “You think we can make it?”

“We can try.”

I nodded. We could. I was more than willing to try. In fact, I was eager to try.

Yet sometimes, trying was never enough. Sometimes, fate had our lives all planned out.

“O
H MY
G
OD
.” I sighed with pleasure, the back of my head bumping on the wall when pure heaven filtered through every single tight muscle in my body. “Hell, Carter. That’s so good.”

His light chuckle made me groan but another shiver of bliss rolled over me when he moved the washcloth in between the next two toes.

“Ahh,” I sighed in contentment when he began his religious cleansing on the new spot. When Carter had suggested a wash after I’d grumbled at not being able to bathe, I had curled my lip in disappointment, but the man gave the most awesome pleasure with each wipe of the cloth. I was so relaxed I was lucky for the wall behind me that supported my head, and the chair Carter had dragged into the bathroom which held up the rest of me.

“Who’d have thought you’d be this easy to manipulate with a simple clean between your toes.” He laughed. I could feel his watchful eye on me as he continued with his perfect dedication to making me clean and fresh.

“Who’d have thought having your toes washed could be this amazing,” I countered, another soft moan leaving me when he moved on to the next foot.

The tips of his fingers dug into the sole of my foot as he wiped up the underside with the cloth, smearing soap over my skin before he rinsed and began the exact same massage to wipe it clean.

I pouted sulkily when the doorbell rang through the house. “Leave them to freeze,” I grumbled when Carter placed the cloth in the sink and stood up.

He laughed.

Peeling one heavy eyelid open I gave him a glare. “I wasn’t joking.”

He shook his head in amusement and placed a soft kiss on the top of my head. “Stay there. I won’t be long.”

I huffed and lifted my leg as far off the floor as I could manage - the one that weighed more than the national debt. “I’m not likely to go for a jog, am I?”

I sat looking at the cloth longingly as I heard Carter move through the house to answer the door. Adjusting to losing the use of one half of my body had been harder than I thought. It was amazing how much I took walking and using my hand for granted, but Carter had been patient and encouraging. He allowed me to try, understanding my need for independence, but then he’d stepped in when I asked.

He’d been perfect, and I couldn’t have asked for a better nurse. Carter was stubborn and grumpy, but he’d stepped up and had been caring and tolerant with me over the previous couple of days since I had moved in.

If anything, I had turned into the grouchy one but Carter shook off my moods with a small smile and a stare that told me I was being a bitch. He cooked, he cut up my food, he helped me – shamefully – on the loo, and now he’d opened up a whole new meaning to the term ‘strip wash’. Bedtime was fun too. Carter insisted that he slept with me and I swear I nearly broke his leg once or twice when I’d tried to turn over in the night. Frequently I had heard him grunt when I’d shifted my leg and bashed him with the concrete cast, but even though I had seen the bruises the next morning, he never complained or shown a bit of irritation.

All in all, things were going better than I could have imagined, and I found myself falling more and more in love with him every second of the day.

I reached out and poked Mack who was snoring loudly by my side when I heard raised voices coming from the front of the house. “Shh, Mack.”

He looked at me then sighed and placed his head back down, proceeding to annoy me with every loud snore.

“Stupid mutt,” I muttered as I grabbed my robe and awkwardly pulled it on over my naked body. Taking my crutches, I hoisted myself upright and shuffled out of the bathroom into the hallway, shutting the door on Mack so he wouldn’t bombard Carter’s guest with slobber.

“Why the fuck won’t you listen?” Carter hissed, the anger in his voice making my skin tighten over my bones. “I don’t want to know!”

“Please, Carter, just…”

“Fuck off, Cary!”

Cary, the spitting image of Carter, only slightly shorter with the same colour hair, longer and pulled into a bun behind his head, stood on the doorstep. It looked as though he was trying to get past Carter and into the house, but Carter was having none of it, his wide frame blocking Cary’s attempts every time he moved.

“I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

Carter scoffed, shaking his head. “You think anything about you is important to me anymore?”

“Yes.” Cary nodded firmly. “Yes, I do. I’m still your brother, and I still love you. I know you feel the same, Car. I know you do. We were too close to…”

“Close? I suppose sharing my wife is one definition of close.”

Cary closed his eyes as if Carter’s statement had punched him in the face. His skin was pale and even I could see he was struggling to stand up, never mind face the wrath of his brother.

“Carter?”

Both men turned to look at me. Cary’s eyes were full of shock, as if seeing a woman in his brother’s house was a mirage. Carter looked horrified as he tried to block me from Cary’s view. I was sure he thought I would take one look at Cary and jump into his arms. He was good-looking but nowhere near as beautiful as the man who had declared his love for me. And besides, one affair in my life had taught me a precious lesson that I would never repeat if my life depended on it.

Cary smiled at me, a huge, wide smile that spread right across his face, and for the briefest moment his eyes glistened with a dampness that hadn’t been there previously.

“Oh, Jesus.” The look on his face, one of pure fascination, made me smile back. Just like Carter’s friends, his brother was also happy that he had finally moved forward.

“Carter!” I said when Cary swayed in the doorway, his cheeks blanching when he reached out to steady himself.

Carter quickly took hold of Cary and guided him inside and onto a chair in the front room. I hobbled after them, cursing under my breath every time I banged into something with the oversized crutches.

“I take it you’re a novice,” Cary joked lightly as I dropped onto the sofa.

Nodding, I grumbled, “Unfortunately. They look smaller than they are. I’ve already put four dents in Carter’s wall, clonked him in the shin three times, and nearly knocked out my dog a couple of times.”

He laughed but it was full of exhaustion.

Carter glanced at me as he sat beside me. He had become as pale as Cary and there was a resigned sadness in his eyes that told me he knew what Cary had come here to say. Taking my hand in his as if he needed me for support, I gave him an encouraging squeeze. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Cary. “How long?”

I tensed when Cary bit into his lip and stared at his brother with an expression that said everything. “It depends.”

“On?”

“Whether or not taking away my bowel gives me an extension.”

It was obvious Carter was aware of what was going on, and when he growled in frustration I reached across with my bad hand and rested it on his thigh. He took my thumb between his fingers and started mindlessly playing with it.

“The same as Mum?” Carter asked quietly, causing a lump to form in my throat.

Cary nodded then coughed slightly and straightened his shoulders. “It’s not going to beat me, Car. I refuse to allow it to.”

Carter scoffed. “Like you have a choice. Like Mum had a fucking choice!”

“Mum’s had spread to her liver and had overtaken her glands before they found it,” Cary said. “Mine, so far, is just confined to my bowel. With surgery and chemotherapy they’ve given me seventy percent survival.”

The anguished silence escaping from Carter made me ache for him. Life had given this man nothing but shit, and now, when he, or rather I, had given him hope, cancer came along and made a mockery of his hopes and dreams.

Cary shuffled forward in the chair and leaned his elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed hard on Carter. “I need you, brother. I can’t do this without you.” His plea was so full of heartache that I could practically smell the sorrow and the guilt pouring from him.