Night Shifts Black (20 page)

“It started off with
just some comments, stupid stuff. Completely inappropriate, but whatever. It’s
not like there were tons of employment options for high school kids in my town.
I kick myself to this day because I feel like I should have known. I know it’s
common for victims to blame themselves, but…” I shake my head. “Well, anyway,
one day…” I stop again. I can’t tell if this is going well or not. I feel the
tears burning low, and I’m annoyed that they’re still there after all this
time. I thought for sure they would have dissolved by now.

“Anyway, I couldn’t
prove it, he didn’t rape me or do anything that left evidence, just…” No, that
part isn’t necessary. “But once the other girls came forward as well, and we
realized there was a pattern and we had a case, one of their parents said we
all needed to press charges. Nothing really stuck from a criminal standpoint
since it was only our word against his, but there was enough to make a civil
lawsuit a painful experience for both sides. His lawyer urged him just to
settle, and so he did. We each accepted a big lump of cash. And that was that.
My dignity got a price tag.”

“And you came here?”

I meet Casey’s gaze,
thoughtful, compassionate, gentle.

“I had to. I had to go
somewhere. I wasn’t me anymore. I was either the slut from the grocery store or
a potential payday. To my dad and his girlfriend, I was basically both.”

I watch the anger
flash across his face and find comfort and security in that for some reason.

“If you were my
daughter, I wouldn’t have slept until that bastard was in prison or the
ground,” he spits.

I trace his jaw,
warmed on so many levels. “I’m glad I’m not your daughter,” I joke, and he
returns my smile, but the sadness is still in his eyes. It’s so beautiful, and
my heart nearly bursts when he gives me a quick kiss.

I try to clear my head
so I can return to my story. “So that’s pretty much it. I came here, not to
make a name for myself in lights, but to disappear. I wasn’t running to
anything, just running from, and have basically been trying to figure things
out ever since.” I quiet and meet his gaze, serious this time.

“When I say ‘I’m no
one’ it’s not even about self-esteem. I just don’t know who I am, what I am. I
don’t know where I’m going or what I want from life. I just knew I didn’t want
to be the slut from the grocery store or Kyle and Nora’s daughter. I wanted to
be no one so I could start fresh and hopefully be someone else one day.”

Casey is quiet as I
draw my speech to a close. I don’t really know what else to say, so now it’s
just a matter of holding my breath and dealing with the fallout. I can see his
mind working as we sit in silence, his ever-present smile tabled for the moment
as he considers his response. I love that he considers his response.

“What happened to you
isn’t right and I’m glad you got some retribution, even though I wish that bastard
would have gotten jail time instead,” Casey says finally.

He hesitates, and I
can’t stop my smile. “But…” I continue for him.

He returns it, almost
shy. “How do you know there’s a but?”

“It’s all over your
face.”

He grins and shrugs.
“No, not so much a ‘but’ as a caution about the ending of your story.” He has
my attention.

“Oh, you don’t like
the ending.”

He shakes his head.
“No. I don’t. You make it sound like your value is in your identity, and your
identity is something that doesn’t exist unless it’s concrete.”

“Concrete?”

“Definable. I don’t
like you defining yourself by what you’re not, and therefore concluding you’re
no one. What about what you are?”

“What I am?”

He nods. “Your
identity shouldn’t be an occupation or a status. Hell, it’s not even dreams and
aspirations. Those things will flow out of who you are once you embrace it. You
have to stop looking at what’s missing and focus on what’s here.”

“Now, who’s a walking
motivational poster,” I tease. I can’t help myself, and he tosses back his own
sheepish grin.

“Well, you need to
hear it, that’s all. You know why I’m here?” he asks suddenly. “Because when I
was sixteen, Elena Barrett told me that our dad was a liar. That I wasn’t a
worthless piece-of-shit just because I didn’t meet his expectations. That I was
smart, and caring, and a talented musician, and even though I was just a kid
fooling around with drums in a stupid band with my friend Luke, it was
important because I loved it.” He quiets, and I can see the emotion rising in
him. “That’s why I’m here, Callie. Because she told me what I was when everyone
else in my life was telling me what I wasn’t. Once I started focusing on what I
was instead, that’s where my identity came from, my dreams, the drive.”

“It all starts with
believing in yourself,” I echo dryly.

His eyes narrow. “No,
that’s a lie. It starts with accepting yourself. You can’t believe in what you
don’t understand. And if you’re still telling people you’re no one, then you
don’t understand yet.”

I don’t respond. Not
because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have too much to say. And yet,
I realize he’s given me even more to think about, and that’s what I need to do
with his words right now. Tuck them away and consider them with the same care
and insight with which they were offered.

“Can we work on our
song again?” I ask after a long pause.

He glances at me,
clearly pleased. “Which one?”

It’s my turn to be
surprised. “What do you mean?”

His grin turns mischievous
as he picks up the guitar.

“Fire up that laptop.”

∞∞∞

We work into the afternoon, taking a break for
some food at one point when we realize we never even ate breakfast. I choose
the meal this time and force him to eat a salad.

“What?” Casey asks,
his fork stalling in mid-air as he observes my satisfied smirk.

“Nothing. Just enjoying
the moment.”

He looks skeptical and
shakes his head.

“And what moment is
that? Enjoying a meal with a super hot rock star, or watching me eat
vegetables?”

I grin. “It can’t be
both?”

“You’re acting like my
mom again,” he warns, and I shrug.

“Good. You need it.
Vitamins, Casey. You need vitamins.”

“There are vitamins in
fries.”

“What would TJ say?”

Casey almost drops his
fork and laughs. “TJ…don’t remind me. Please.”

“What? You know I’m
right.”

“Right about what?”

Casey and I glance
over at Luke who does his magical appearing act at the presence of food. He
grabs the extra salad and joins us at the table. We went formal for lunch.

“TJ would want you to
consume a well-balanced meal,” I explain, and Luke glances at Casey in
surprised amusement.

“TJ Barringer?”

Casey nods and rolls
his eyes.

Luke laughs. “How does
she know TJ?”

“I don’t,” I defend.
“Only by reputation.”

“Oh, really?
Interesting,” Luke responds.

“She was with me when TJ
called about the new tracks.”

Luke seems to
understand and starts on his salad.

“Not to mention you
guys talk about him. I remember stuff.”

“Don’t we know it,”
Casey mumbles, and Luke smirks.

“Heard you kids
working again,” Luke comments, surprising both of us.

Casey nods. “Yeah,
Callie has a lot of good ideas.”

“Oh, please,” I scoff.
“I sit there and offer moral support while you work your magic.”

Casey gives me a mock
glare. “Those aren’t my lyrics.”

“They’re not lyrics,
they’re verses. It’s a poem.”

“Not anymore,” Luke
counters, and I turn on him.

“Wait, whose side are
you on anyway?”

Luke shrugs. “Sorry,
hon, but poetry set to music is called a ‘song.’”

I roll my eyes, but my
grin breaks when his does. “Fine, whatever.”

“Accept it, Callie.
You’re a songwriter now,” Casey echoes.

My eyes widen. “No,
I’m not. Wait. Really? But…”

He just shrugs and
gives me that smile that always seems to calm me and excite me at the same
time.

“I’m having trouble
with the hook into the chorus, though,” Casey continues, back to business, and
I can see that means more to Luke than it does to me.

Luke nods. “Let’s hear
it.”

I’m sure Casey is as
startled as I am at the request, but he does a better job hiding it.

“Ok, yeah, sure.” He
pushes back from the table and retrieves the guitar.

Luke continues eating
but watches Casey intently as he plays through what we have of our mirror song.
I can see the music working its way through Luke’s head as he listens,
concentrating, evaluating.

Casey finishes, and I
sense this moment means more to him than I can possibly understand. He rests
the guitar on his lap and pretends to pick at a scratch, but I’m pretty sure
he’s just distracting himself as he waits for the verdict.

After a long silence,
Luke nods. “It’s good, Case. Really good. I see what you mean about the hook,
though. Try throwing the F# minor in after the A and add an extra two beats to
the break.”

Casey’s eyes light up.
“You mean, bring the chorus back in late on the offbeat?”

Luke nods. “Exactly.
Plus, the minor at the end of the bridge will give it a bigger cut. Hanging on
the 4 was fine, but I think the 2 will give you more depth.” His gaze turns
serious as he studies his friend. “Case, the chorus is killer. Really, really
good.”

I can’t help but smile
at the look on Casey’s face, the pure relief and joy. The moment is so
beautiful, I’m almost annoyed that Luke ruins it by drawing me in. I hate
taking anything away from them.

“You, too, Callie. I
know those are your words.”

“Mostly. Casey changed
them around a bit and added some.”

Luke shrugs. “Yeah,
but you understand that’s not because there was anything wrong with the
original. They just have to flow with the music. It’s all a give and take in
the process.”

I nod and smile. “Of
course. He made it better, there’s no question.”

Then, suddenly, Luke’s
eyes change, and I see something there I’ve never seen before. A light, a
spark. I’ve seen it in Casey many times now, but never Luke.

Surprised, I can only
watch as he turns back to Casey and asks for the guitar. Casey is just as
shocked and hands it to him, almost reverently.

Luke pushes back his
chair and examines the instrument in his hands for a moment. Casey and I watch
in awe as he holds it, his fingers touching the strings like they might break
if he applies any pressure. I can’t even begin to guess what’s going through
his mind, or Casey’s for that matter, but I’m so happy I feel ready to explode.

Finally, Luke seems
able to accept the fact that he’s holding a guitar again and begins picking out
a string of notes that flows into a seamless melody. It’s beautiful. I don’t
know much about music, but I know whatever this is would sound perfect with
what Casey just played. Casey seems to understand the significance of that even
more than I do.

“Sweeny’s lick,” Casey
murmurs, and Luke nods, raising his eyes to meet Casey’s.

“For the bridge. I
think we just layer rhythm for the chorus. Maybe some killer reverb on the
‘hello’ vocal?”

Casey nods.
“Definitely. I was thinking even a tight band-pass filter on the second line.”

Luke considers that
and shrugs. “Yeah, that could work too. I’m hearing it.”

They continue like
that for a few minutes, and my jaw is on the floor. They’re too wrapped up to
notice.

I think I’m the only
one who heard Luke use the word “we.”

∞∞∞

“How easy do you think it would be to get into
Jackson Street tomorrow?” Casey asks once they finally seem content with
whatever they’d just created in their heads. “I know we haven’t used them in a
while, but Julian’s a pro.”

Luke shrugs. “I don’t
know. TJ might be able to get you in. You want to lay some of this down?”

It’s Casey’s turn to
shrug. “Thinking about it. Why not? It’s out there now. Might as well see what
it sounds like. Wish we were home and could just use our own stuff, but Jackson
Street is cool. Julian has gear we can use, right?”

Luke nods. “Probably.
He’s got his studio guys, too, if you want to mess around. You might need to
give him a heads up though so he can get them in. Send TJ a work tape. He’ll
lose his mind.”

Casey nods, and I can
see something change in his expression. He’s going to ask. I know it. We all
know it.

Luke swallows and
shakes his head. At least he’s not angry this time. Sad, more than anything. I
can see it hurts him to keep letting Casey down. I can see how much he loves
him.