No Deal Breakers (18 page)

"Oh, honey, of course that's okay. This is so
thoughtful," Genie hugged her, and Aria wrapped her arms around her
mother-in-law, taken aback at how easily simple affection came to
her now.

"I knew that fabric looked familiar, I just
couldn't place it. Who was being sneaky now?" Brian laughed with a
wink.

Aria spent the rest of the morning in the
kitchen with Genie and Julia preparing for the barbecue they would
be hosting later in the day, and the men and children went to the
parade in town, and then on into Ottumwa to pick up a few last
minute items. When they finally returned home all three men
received an earful from both Genie and Julia on learning to tell
the kids "no" when it was discovered that in addition to the
whipped cream, soda, and charcoal they were sent after; they had
also purchased a swimming pool, several large bags of candy, and a
boat load of pool toys.

Aria couldn't bring herself to be mad about
the frivolous spoiling, whether because they weren't her kids, or
because she wished someone would have done that for her as a child,
she couldn't tell. She just laughed and told Ami she was happy that
she'd talked them into the swimming pool.

All of the guests were called and told that
the barbecue was now a pool party as well, to the great delights of
all the children in attendance. The day passed by in a blur of
friends, food, and fun. Before she knew it, it was time to pack up
and head into town for fireworks. Everyone loaded up blankets and
chairs and made their way to the park on the outside of town, she
couldn't believe how many people showed up for the fireworks, it
had to be at least the entire population of Hanesworth, plus
some.

She was spreading a blanket on the ground
next to Julia's when Brian snatched it away, she looked at him in
confusion, but he just smiled and offered her his hand.

"Come with me, please?" Without hesitation,
she took his hand and started walking with him, away from the
crowd.

"Where are we going?"

"Someplace quiet, I haven't gotten you to
myself all day," he pouted.

She laughed and followed him up a grassy
hill, they were the only ones up there, and had the entire crest to
themselves, and for that, she was glad. She had missed his touch
all day, holding his hand now sent thrills through her. The sun had
already set, but the stars and moon were more than enough light to
guide them, Brian spread the blanket out and motioned for her to
sit, he sunk to the ground at the same time she did. They sat side
by side, closer than they normally would have, with their hands
stretched out behind them for support.

"It's beautiful up here."

"We have the best seat in the house; we
always sat up here as kids and watched the fireworks."

"Why didn't your family come up with us
then?" He looked her right in the eyes as he answered.

"I wanted you all to myself; I asked them if
they'd mind sitting somewhere else this year." She felt her heart
hammer in her chest and the heat flood her face.

"Is this part of your plan to woo me?" She
had never been in a relationship or had anyone try so hard for her
affection before, she liked it.

"Maybe, is it working?"

Saved by the boom, before she could answer
there was a loud boom followed by a red burst in the sky. Brian
laid back on the ground, folding his arms underneath his head,
without thinking, she joined him. Instead of using her own arms to
cushion her head, she snuggled in closer to him and rested her head
on his bicep.

The fireworks were beautiful; she'd seen them
many times before, but never like this. Something about the
wide-open sky above, devoid of city lights and the noise of people
added to the experience, being so high up it felt as if the show
were just for them.

As the show started to wind down, she shifted
her attention to Brian, he had truly saved her, he could never know
how grateful she was that he asked her to marry him. She felt the
overwhelming urge to kiss him, something she had never willingly
done with any man. Before she could over think it, she leaned in
and intended to give him a peck on the cheek, but he turned to face
her at the exact same moment and she ended up landing a kiss on his
lips, instead.

She was mortified at her actions, and even
more so at the nearly overwhelming urge to lean back in and capture
his mouth with hers again. This was not like her, not at all. This
was what she had run from, she knew she couldn't do this; she
shouldn't have kissed him.

Before Brian could react, before she could do
something stupid like kiss him again, before this could get any
more out of hand, she bolted to her feet and took off down the
hill, leaving a befuddled husband-boyfriend in her wake.

*~*~*

She kissed him. She had actually kissed him.
And then she took off as if she were on fire, but first she had
actually kissed him. He wasn't sure which shocked him more; that
she'd kissed him, or that the last two days had him feeling like a
lovesick teenager all over again.

By the time he reached their cars Aria was
climbing in the back of his sister's SUV, wedging herself in
between two car seats. He knew what she was doing, he decided it
would be best to give her some space, they could talk at home. He
simply told her he'd see her at home and invited his parents to
ride back home with him.

Aria ran to their room as soon as they got
home and was pacing back and forth in front of the bed when he
walked in after helping put the kids down.

"Aria—" she stopped her pacing and looked at
him.

"Brian, I am so sorry, I don't know what I
was thinking. I swear to you, I've never wanted to lead you on, not
that first day, and not now, I'm such an idiot, I am so, so sorry."
Her words were coming faster and faster, and he could see the tears
welling up in her eyes.

"Aria, sweetheart, calm down, talk to me,
tell me what's going on." She took a deep breath and dropped down
on the bed, keeping her eyes focused on the floor.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't
know what I'm feeling, or why I'm acting this way, I'm so
confused." He didn't respond, but just waited patiently for her to
continue.

"I've been…with, uh, men…before, before I met
you and moved here. But, I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be
touched or kissed or held by any of them, but I did it anyway, I
thought that's just how it was supposed to be. When I met you I
thought it would be the same, I thought I could let you kiss me and
touch me, and…you know…and then, well, I don't know what
happened.

"The way you looked at me, the way you talked
to me…like I mattered, like I was someone you cared about and
respected, something in me changed. All of a sudden I realized that
what I had experienced wasn't how it was supposed to be." Brian
couldn't believe what he was hearing, he knew she thought she
wasn't worthy of him, but now it was starting to make more sense,
he knew she'd been hurt, but now it was starting to settle in just
how much she'd been hurt, things were clicking into place, and with
each new piece he grew more and more angry.

She continued on. "You treated me like a,
a…person, not an object, and for some reason that triggered
something in me, and I wasn't the same anymore. I thought I could
go back to that, I thought it was just nerves at marrying you, and
that I'd get over it, and be able to just be with you like a normal
wife. I should have changed my mind on the way to get our marriage
license when you asked me if I wanted to. I was so stubborn, I
really thought I could do it, I've never not been able to just shut
off my emotions and just do what needs done." What was she saying?
Brian's head was swimming with new details as she continued on,
still talking to the carpet.

"I just knew I'd be able to shut the emotions
back off and be what you expected, it's what I'm good at. But, you
didn't expect anything, and I didn't know how to process that. I
freaked out, that's why I locked myself in the bathroom, I was sure
you were going to break the door down or pick the lock, but you
didn't. maybe if you had I could have shut the emotions off, but
you're so different from what I knew, I knew that if you kept
treating me like that, like I mattered that I couldn't just
be…a…um, who I was anymore.

"Instead of doing anything I expected you to
do, you just patiently waited. For six months, you've patiently
waited. I've kept waiting for you to snap and become something
different, but you never do. I keep waiting for your patience to
run out with me, and it just doesn't. You've given me everything I
never knew I needed, and everything I don't deserve. I've started
to trust you, Brian. I'm comfortable with you, your friends, your
family. I don't think I've ever been comfortable with anyone.
You've shown me a person I didn't even know I could be, and you've
never once expected anything out of me. And I'm scared and
confused, I don't understand these new emotions or what I'm
feeling." He couldn't believe how honest she was being, she still
hadn't come out about her past, but she'd made more progress in the
last two days than in the entire time they'd known each other, his
heart was simultaneously breaking and rejoicing at her words. He
was glad that she was trusting him, but heartbroken that it was so
foreign and difficult for her.

"I don't know what changed, I've been feeling
less afraid and more certain of you for the last month or two, but
something happened yesterday…I'm not sure what, but something
changed. All of a sudden instead of not wanting you to touch me,
all I wanted was to feel you near me, touching me, instead of just
feeling safe with you, I started feeling…well, I'm not even sure
what, something more, something I don't have words for. Dancing
with you last night made me feel so safe and comforted, I never
wanted it to end, when I had that nightmare last night all I wanted
was to be in your arms.

"Today, when we were both busy all day, I
missed you, I wanted to hold your hand, and snuggle with you again.
I don't understand it, I have never felt this way, I've always
hated when men touched me, even when you touched me, it scared me,
I thought that if I held your hand or hugged you that you'd want
more, but you made it clear you could live with my limits.

"Now, all of a sudden, I don't even know my
limits, and I'm terrified of what this means. Tonight, I wanted to
kiss you so bad, I was just going to kiss you on the cheek and then
you turned and I caught your lips instead, and I was terrified. I
couldn't believe what I'd done, and worst of all, I wanted to do it
again." The words were pouring out of her faster and faster, until
she finally stopped to catch her breath and she looked up at him,
tears still streaming down her face.

"Brian, I am so sorry. I know I've led you on
these past couple of days, and I don't want that. I know I want to
be able to snuggle and hold hands and dance, and maybe even kiss
occasionally, but I know I'm not someone you should be having sex
with. You deserve someone so much better than I am; you are kind,
and pure. I'm…not, Brian, I know that you deserve better. I'm sorry
I've stolen so much of your life from you, I know I'm being
selfish, I should have left before we got married." She cradled her
head in her hands and sobbed harder.

Brian sat down on the floor at her feet,
facing her; he didn't know what to make of this mess. She clearly
thought, for whatever reason, that she wasn't worthy of him. He
didn't know what it was that she had done that made her believe
that so fervently, but it tore him apart, he felt the tears welling
up in his own eyes.

"Aria, honey, why do you think like that? Why
do you think that you don't deserve me, and why do you believe that
you've taken something from me? If anything you've given me more
than I could have ever hoped for."

"Don't say that. I've taken so much from you,
aside from depending on you for everything, I've taken away the
intimacy you deserve in a marriage, the biological children you
deserve, the normal, happily-ever-after you should have. And, I
know I don't deserve you, I don't think it." He knew that it was
going to take a lot longer than six months and one night to prove
to her that she did deserve him, her demons were going to take time
and God to slay. All he could do for now was love her.

"Honey, you've taken nothing from me, believe
me, my life was empty and dark before you. This intimacy is enough
for me, the closeness we share as friends, the trust you're giving
me by sharing all of this. It's enough. Anything beyond that,
beyond just being with you, and being by your side is icing on the
cake. If you want to hold hands, snuggle, and dance for the rest of
our lives, that's fine by me, sweetheart. I just want you by my
side, no matter what." And, he meant it. Of course he craved her
touch, and desired more, but he would much rather have her the way
he had for the last several months than not at all.

"Really? You think you can live like this,
with just a few simple touches for the rest of your life?" The
shock was evident in her eyes as they searched his.

"No, I know it," he held her gaze in emphasis
and opened his arms in invitation. As soon as they were open to
her, she was cradled against his chest, right where she
belonged.

Yes, he could live this way for the rest of
his life.

She sat in his arms, snuggled against his
chest for what felt like hours. His words had been a soothing balm
for her soul, it was the reassurance she needed most of all from
him. She knew that eventually he would want more, regardless of
what he said now, but she decided to put that out of her mind for
the moment and just embrace what they had in the here and now. She
couldn't believe how much had spilled out of her mouth tonight. She
still had a lot of secrets, but she revealed more to him tonight
than she ever thought she would, and was astonished with how
healing it had been.