No Hero: The Evolution of a Navy SEAL (3 page)

My mother started to laugh, then my father. When they realized I’d eaten a bowl of cereal with soapy water, they laughed harder. I tried to laugh too, until my stomach started to hurt.

My mother poured out the batter and started fresh. When she offered me a fresh bowl of cereal, I declined. My stomach was doing flips and I had bubble guts the rest of the day.

Living in Alaska was hard, and it wasn’t always because I
had liquid soap in my cereal. There was nothing normal about my upbringing, but my parents knew the sacrifices they were making. They didn’t have to choke down horrible-tasting powdered milk or live in a village deep in the Alaskan wilderness. They chose to live a harder life than most because it was the only way my parents could achieve their purpose in life, to be missionaries and spread their faith. I know their dedication rubbed off on me. It gave me the values I needed to eventually excel in the Navy.

My parents set me on a course that wasn’t the norm in the village. People didn’t leave the village. They found jobs working construction in the summer and just lived off their savings and the land during the winter. My parents urged me to dream big and find my own way. I was one of the few kids I grew up with who had plans of doing something beyond staying in the village.

My father was always fair and never pushed me to do anything beyond what he knew I could accomplish. So when he asked me to at least try one year of college before enlisting in the Navy, I had to honor his wish. He was part of the Vietnam generation and didn’t want anything to happen to me, but I think he also understood my passion to serve because he’d felt the same passion for his missionary work.

So we made a deal.

After high school graduation, I enrolled at a small college in Southern California and made a commitment to stay for at least a year. But I didn’t plan on being there a day longer than that. After the first year, I planned to enlist and go to BUD/S.

My first year flew by, and my father was right. College was fun. Experiencing life outside of the village was actually pretty cool. My grade point average wasn’t setting any records, but I was having a great time and making new friends. I’d promised him one year, but I decided to stick it out and finish my degree.

My school didn’t have a Navy Reserve Officers’ Training Corps (ROTC) program, and the surrounding programs didn’t have a partnership agreement. The Army program at Cal State Fullerton did accept students from neighboring schools, so I signed up.

ROTC is a college-based program for training officers. Students take military science courses, work out, and drill together. Once a week typically, ROTC students wear uniforms to school. I’d take classes at my school during the day, and then drive across town for events and military science classes at Cal State. My goal wasn’t to become an officer or join the Army. I just wanted to be involved in something military. I liked wearing the uniform; it gave me a sense of pride.

After my freshman year, the ROTC instructors asked if I wanted to go to the United States Army Airborne School at Fort Benning, Georgia. I’d excelled in my first semester, and they figured this carrot would not only keep me in the program, but also convince me to take a scholarship and be a future Army officer.

I accepted the chance to go to jump school, which is what most people call the airborne training program. I’d read enough books to know the SEALs sent guys straight from
BUD/S to get airborne qualified. I figured this was a chance to knock out the three-week school early. Before I left, I got a short haircut like the rest of my classmates.

The first morning, we got up at dawn and lined up in formation on the parade field near our barracks. The sun was just peeking over the pine trees, and the air was already humid and sticky. By the second exercise, my gray Army T-shirt was soaked.

Everyone looked the same—gray shirts, black shorts, high-and-tight haircuts—except for a small group of guys who had longer hair and brown T-shirts. When I saw the group in their uniforms after physical training, I noticed they had U.S. Navy name tapes over their left pockets. I knew they had to be SEALs.

The SEALs stuck together during training. I watched as the instructors corrected a SEAL and ordered him to do ten push-ups as punishment. As soon as the SEAL started, his buddies hit the floor too. In unison, they called out the reps. “One, two, three . . .” No one approached them, even though I desperately wanted to pick their brains about BUD/S.

If I’m being honest, I wanted to
be
them.

During the second week of training, I finally got to talk with one of the SEALs. It was lunch and the only seat open was across from me. We didn’t talk at first, except for a nod. I was too intimidated to initiate a conversation. But after a few bites of his lunch, the SEAL finally spoke.

“Hey, bro, can I ask you a question?” he asked.

Unlike the SEAL I met in Washington, this one was
skinnier, with shorter hair. He was lean and had an air of confidence, not arrogance.

“Sure,” I said.

It was kind of exciting to finally be talking to one of the SEALs. In the back of my head, I wanted to be the one asking questions. I had so many, especially since I knew he’d just finished training. But while I saw my future, the SEAL just saw another cadet playing Army for three weeks.

“What is up with the haircuts?” the SEAL said. “I just don’t get it. Why do you have that haircut?”

I stopped eating.

I couldn’t believe this question was directed to me. The question wasn’t asked to be mean or mocking. It felt like he was really curious, which made it worse. If he’d mocked me, I’d at least have been justified in being mad.

“I don’t know, man,” I said. “I really don’t know.”

I quickly tried to change the subject to BUD/S. I really didn’t want to be talking about something I didn’t truly understand. And I felt uncomfortable, embarrassed really.

Before the end of the conversation, I made up my mind. I was done with the Army. I went back to California and turned in my uniforms and boots, no longer shined to a high gloss. My high-and-tight haircut was starting to grow out.

As I finished up the paperwork, one of the officers at the unit stopped me.

“Hey, man, are you sure you want to leave?” the officer said. “We need good cadets and would hate to see you go.”

“I just can’t do this,” I finally said.

The instructor tried to reason with me.

“You’re a great cadet,” he said. “We only send the top cadets to jump school.”

I appreciated the compliment, but I didn’t want to be in the Army.

“I want to be a SEAL,” I said. “It has been my dream since I was a kid.”

I knew I was taking a risk. By leaving ROTC, I was giving up the chance of a scholarship. But it was worth it, and I think sometimes you can achieve a goal only if you are willing to risk it all. Take my parents moving out to Alaska, far from family and any support, to achieve their goals. This was no longer some idea I had because I thought it was cool. It had become the beacon that was driving my life decisions.

I’m confident many of the guys who became my teammates were the same. We all wanted to be part of something bigger. I’d veered off my path and lost focus on what I really wanted.

When I finally signed my Navy enlistment contract, I had to pick an “A” school, which was basically deciding which job I’d perform if I washed out of BUD/S and didn’t become a SEAL. The recruiter wanted me to go into nuclear power, or “nuke,” to work on the reactors that propelled the subs and aircraft carriers. The school took eighteen months. I knew recruiters probably got a bonus for putting people in the toughest programs, but I didn’t want to wait that long to start BUD/S.

“What is the shortest school available?” I asked the recruiter.

He flipped through his files and found a chart with details on all the schools. Running his finger down the list, he stopped and looked up at me.

“Torpedoman. Seven weeks,” the recruiter said, resigned to the fact he wasn’t going to get me to go nuke and boost his numbers.

Instead, I’d be waxing torpedoes for a couple months before hopefully getting a chance to go to BUD/S. I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what would happen if I washed out. Four years as a torpedoman would have driven me crazy, and maybe out of the Navy altogether. For me at that time, there was no backup plan.

I set my goals higher than most people thought were possible for a kid from Alaska, but I knew in my guts that I’d make it or die trying. I didn’t want to be an old man and regret not trying.

There was some comfort in finally working toward my ultimate goal of becoming a SEAL. I’d learned sacrifice from my parents. They showed me what it meant to live for something bigger than myself. I got off track when I signed up for ROTC. It took that lunch at jump school to push me back on track. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone with the drive and discipline to make it happen. I saw someone with a purpose. I just needed a chance to prove I was up to it. I knew nothing in my life would feel right unless I at least gave it my best shot.

“Seven weeks,” I said. “Sign me up.”

How to Swim Fifty Meters Underwater Without Dying

Confidence

Ice floated
in the water outside of my hotel window as I zipped my dry suit shut.

I’d been staring out of the window off and on since we’d spotted the bloody sea lion carcass on the shore that morning. The sea lion’s body had a huge gash in its side, and the ice around it was bloodred. A killer whale did it, or that is what the locals told us. I would have appreciated the scene more, but in less than an hour, my SEAL teammates and I were about to get in the same water to plant a bomb on a U.S. Navy ship.

I took some solace in the fact that at least the killer whale had a full stomach.

I was a brand-new SEAL, having graduated BUD/S just nine months earlier, and it was cool to be back in Alaska training. The scenario was pretty simple. My SEAL platoon got tapped to play the OPFOR—military jargon for “opposing force,” or the bad guys. It was our job to attack an amphibious assault ship moored at the pier in Ketchikan, Alaska. We had to sneak in close enough to the ship to set tracking devices. Some of the ship’s crew as well as a small contingent
of Army soldiers would be guarding the ship and surrounding areas. Their task was to defend against a threat like us.

There was a foot of snow on the pier and the water temperature was hovering just above freezing as we prepared. I smeared black paint on my face and squeezed all of my warm clothes under my dry suit.

One of my teammates knocked on my door, and I grabbed the rest of my gear and headed out. We met in the parking lot of our hotel and the four of us on the OPFOR assault team—all dressed in dry suits and painted faces—climbed into the back of a U-Haul truck. We were the brand-new guys in the platoon.

If the dark, cold water and the seal-eating killer whales weren’t scary enough, we also had to worry about Flipper, a killer dolphin stalking us from the deep.

I’m not kidding.

The Navy has bottlenose dolphins trained to attack divers. The dolphins were part of the U.S. Navy Marine Mammal Program, which trained both dolphins and sea lions to detect mines and protect harbors and ships. Both the United States and Russia spent millions on these kinds of training programs, and the dolphins were used in combat during the Gulf War and in operations off the coast of Iraq. The Russian program was disbanded in the late 1990s, and word was their killer dolphins were sold to Iran.

The Navy had flown three dolphins up to Alaska from San Diego in heated tanks so that they could hunt us. One dolphin was stationed in a cage at each end of the ship that
was our target, and the third was free-swimming. The dolphins in the cages were trained to use their sonar to detect divers. When they heard us coming, the dolphins were supposed to surface and ring a bell attached to the cage. The dolphin handlers would then call in via radio that the dolphin had heard something, and the patrol boats would come looking for us.

When the free-swimming dolphin spotted a swimmer, it attacked, forcing the diver to the surface. We had to deal with a giant dolphin swimming full speed in the dark water repeatedly bashing us with its nose until we swam to the surface. It’s no fun heading into icy, pitch-black water in the dead of night under any conditions, but the constant possibility of a giant dolphin ramming you at full speed added a little anxiety to the mission.

A few hours before we hit the water, two of my teammates in plain clothes had made their way along a nearby dock with a pair of dive tanks. When they got near the ship, they opened the valves at the top of the tanks, allowing just enough air to escape to make bubbles. My teammates tied the tanks together and dropped them over the side of the pier, lashing the anchor line to the rail before they walked away. The bubbles were white noise underwater to cover our approach.

With the tanks in the water, we left the hotel and headed toward the river that ran from the town to the channel. We bounced along the rutted roads of Ketchikan in the back of the U-Haul. I could hear our equipment rattle as tanks banged against the wall. No one spoke. I was nervous. I wasn’t
the best swimmer, and navigating underwater in pitch-black darkness while hunted by a killer dolphin wasn’t going to be easy. But it wasn’t the dolphins or the killer whale that scared me the most. It was the swim to the ship.

Much of the town was built on a wooden dock where the ship was moored. The conventional approach would have been to swim out in the main channel, which is where the dolphins were stationed. We had decided to sneak in from under the immense pier network. If we came in from the river, the large stanchions holding the pier together would mask our movement. But that also meant we’d be swimming in complete darkness through a maze of pylons and debris. We couldn’t use flashlights for fear of attracting the dolphins below or the guards patrolling the dock above us. We would have to silently feel our way from pylon to pylon. This swim was going to be all by touch, as we worked our way through the water.

The truck coasted to a stop and we could hear the driver—another teammate—talking to a security guard. My heart rate kicked up and we held our collective breath. If they searched the truck, the mission was done. We sat for only a few seconds, likely because of traffic backed up at the checkpoint, but it was a very long few seconds. At last I could hear the engine roar as we headed to the bank of the creek.

I felt the truck slow and then stop. The driver cut the engine and seconds later threw open the back door. I climbed out of the truck with the other three divers and trudged through the snow to the water.

We got into pairs and attached a line to each other so no one would get lost. I would never be more than four feet apart from my swim buddy. We waded into the water. I took two long and slow deep breaths, put in my regulator, and slipped into the creek. With our goggles on and dive rigs ready to go, we gave each other a quick thumbs-up and began submerging ourselves in the frigid water. I had to stifle a gasp as the ice-cold water washed over my head and face. In seconds it was pitch-black.

“I hate diving,” I thought.

I was nervous. This was one of my first missions—it was training, but we were in an uncontrolled environment and the dangers were real—and I wasn’t completely comfortable in the water. I knew being a SEAL meant underwater operations, but I dreaded them. The water portion of BUD/S was hard for me. The long runs and push-ups during BUD/S never worried me, but the water tests did. I wasn’t a surfer. I wasn’t really a swimmer. I had never done a lot of swimming as a kid in Alaska.

I can remember my dad challenged me once when I was almost a teenager to swim across the river in front of our house. The current pushed against me as I slowly swam. By the time I reached the far bank, I was a quarter of a mile downriver from where I’d started. That was the farthest I’d swum before I started training for BUD/S. When it came time to pass the fifty-meter underwater swim during BUD/S, I had the same nervous feeling as I had getting ready to dive under the dock in Alaska.

The fifty-meter underwater swim is one of the first pass-or-fail tests during BUD/S. I remember it was a sunny day in June, the clouds having burned away to reveal a blue sky. The pool was across from the BUD/S training area on Naval Base Coronado, which sits across the bay from San Diego.

My BUD/S class ran over to the pool in the morning. We’d already spent hours in the cold surf doing flutter kicks and running for miles in the sand. We all knew the test was coming, and there was a nervous energy up and down the ranks. We crowded on one side of the pool in our tan shorts, shirtless and barefoot, and listened to the safety brief.

“If you want to stay in this training, you’re going to have to do this swim,” the instructor told us as we huddled on the deck. “The key is to stay as relaxed as you can.”

The swim wasn’t timed. Swim fifty meters in the twelve-foot-deep pool—down and back in one breath. Safety swimmers were positioned above and below us as we swam. Doctors and an ambulance waited poolside in case of emergency.

The test was simple, on paper. But that was before the instructors took away any advantages. No diving off the wall. We had to step out far enough to do a front flip underwater, so once you started toward the far end of the pool you had no forward momentum.

The underwater swim was part of the first phase of BUD/S, which includes a grueling five-and-a-half-day stretch called Hell Week. During Hell Week, each candidate sleeps only about four total hours but runs more than two hundred miles and does physical training for more than twenty hours per day.

BUD/S is all about training your mind and body to achieve more than you think possible. It is the first test in a SEAL’s training and career. The SEAL motto, “The only easy day was yesterday,” was about to become very clear to us.

I don’t think I realized it at the time, but BUD/S is a series of building blocks starting with the fifty-meter swim and Hell Week in the first phase, followed by dive training in the second phase, and then firearms and explosives training in the final phase. Basically, you start with baby steps and end up doing the things that can kill you if not handled correctly. You have to pass each one to keep going. Fail once and you wash out.

I knew, coming from Alaska, that swimming was going to be my weakest skill. My SEAL buddy in college taught me the breaststroke and the sidestroke, which is all I needed. And for one semester, I worked out with my college club team. But of all the tests in BUD/S, this one worried me. I knew it was all or nothing. I knew no matter how tired, nervous, or scared I was, I couldn’t let doubt creep into my head. I had to make it.

After the safety briefing, we sat in lines—nut to butt, as we say—in our tan shorts. Over my shoulder, I could hear splashes as my classmates jumped into the pool. The night before, guys had been full of tips and advice. We’d talked about trying to stay deep. I didn’t want to be a foot underwater, because I might be tempted to poke my head up. I had decided to try to stay at six or seven feet.

There was no talking as I waited for my name to be called. A few minutes before I stepped to the edge of the pool, I took
two deep breaths. I wanted to slow everything down in my mind in an attempt to relax and focus.

“This is easy,” I told myself as I walked to the edge of the pool. “All the instructors did it. It’s not impossible. Chill out.”

When it was my turn to go, I stepped feetfirst into the pool and disappeared under the surface. I pushed my head down and kicked my legs over into a flip. I could feel the water surge up my nose, forcing me to blow out some of my last breath. I was uncomfortable from the start.

I pushed my hands up and using the breaststroke started toward the far end of the pool. It looked more than twenty-five meters away. I knew the test was a battle of distance, not time. I didn’t hurry. Instead, I concentrated on slow, deliberate strokes. There is a saying, “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.” I was living proof as I glided below the surface.

I felt good physically, but I couldn’t stop my mind from thinking about how far away the wall looked. At the bottom of the pool, I spotted one of the instructors. He had a regulator in his mouth connected to a scuba tank. I watched as he tracked us from the bottom, ready to spring up and rescue one of us if we started to drown.

Above me, another instructor with a scuba mask and snorkel kept pace. He looked like a predator ready to dive after his prey.

The whole swim takes only forty seconds to a minute, but it felt a lot longer. My lungs kept reminding me I needed air and my mind was begging me to surface. As I reached the wall, I spun around and set my legs to push with all my might.
It felt good to have some momentum heading back to where I started.

By now, the burning in my lungs was impossible to ignore. I knew I’d be “chicken necking” soon. That is the first step before you pass out. Think of it as a gag reflex. I could feel my head start to bob as my body tried to force me to breathe. The first feelings of panic started to tingle, but I quickly pushed them deeper into my mind. Instead, I focused on my slow, deliberate stroke, as the wall grew larger and larger.

“Just keep swimming,” I pleaded with myself. “Keep swimming.”

But I couldn’t stop the gasping. It wasn’t mental. It was my body in revolt. My lungs were on fire, threatening to come out of my chest. My mind started to panic and my focus began to wane. It isn’t natural to deny your body air. We’re hardwired to survive, and we need air to do it.

But I fought to get control of my mind. I focused on the ever-growing far wall. I committed to staying underwater. I refused to give up. This was the first real test. If I couldn’t do this in a clean, heated pool in sunny San Diego, what was I going to do in the North Atlantic during a storm?

The chicken necking eventually stopped, and with each stroke, I got closer to the wall. But I could also feel myself losing consciousness. My vision blurred around the edges. With each stroke, the darkness started to crowd my vision. Like a fog, the shadow started in my peripheral vision and I knew in a few seconds I might pass out.

I had to be near the wall. I reached out to touch it. Rough hands grabbed me under my arms. The instructors pulled me out of the water like a trophy fish. I flopped down on the pool deck and took a deep breath. I could feel my lungs draw in deep, and my body relaxed. I took several more deep breaths and then tried to get up.

“Stay down,” I heard one of the instructors bark at me.

I rested my head back on the warm deck. It’s rare for instructors in BUD/S to let you rest, and I was going to take full advantage. One by one my classmates finished. I watched the instructors throw the limp body of one of my classmates up onto the deck. He was out cold. After a few quick breaths, he gagged and coughed his way back to consciousness. The minute he did, he looked at the nearest instructor.

“Did I make it?”

The fact that seconds before, he was unconscious seemed like a minor detail. I understood because, like him, I didn’t want to fail. Failure was almost worse than death.

“Stay down,” an instructor said. “Relax.”

I was enjoying the sun on my back. It was paradise, for a few seconds. The instructors saw I was fine.