No Time for Tears (37 page)

“I’m living with anti-Semitism, how will that help? No, I won’t go to a psychiatrist. I’m not crazy, you know. I’m just Jewish … that’s my disease, at least to your mother—”

“Elsa, please trust me … this is eating you up, and it’s coming between us. I can’t help except to support you with my love. That doesn’t seem enough … Will you go, Elsa? Please?”

Gunter was right about that… this was destroying them … “All right, all right, I’ll try…”

It took months before Sheine could even talk about being Jewish to Dr. Breslauer. In part, she thought, because Ludwig Breslauer’s family had been assimilated Jews for three generations. The doctor said nothing in response to her insight.

Finally, after who knew how many long and analytic sessions, Ludwig Breslauer decided he was getting across to Elsa the phenomenon of Jewish self-hatred, where it had come from and how it could be
dealt
with. The salvation of the Jews, he explained, was to take a lesson from those enlightened Jews in Germany. He was able, he felt, finally to convince this woman that she was far too sensitive on the subject of her mother-in-law’s dislike of foreign Jews …actually he himself felt that they were too set in their ways, too unwilling or unable to adjust to modern times and to the wonderful country of their choice. He patiently explained that she must now separate herself from the excess baggage of her past. It was debris. She must move forward in her life, not be burdened by her Jewishness …

So after a year of intensive psychoanalysis, Elsa Beck found the headaches to diminish and then vanish. She even began to feel a sense of security, as if she belonged. Gunter’s mother no longer bothered her. She was one of the family. She belonged, at long last…

God help her.

C
HAVALA AND MOISHE WATCHED
as the sign of the Eagle Pawnshop came down and “Landau” went up. She looked at her brother. “This is only the beginning, Moishe.”

He nodded. “When you make your first dollar, you’ll frame it.” He looked up at the sign again. “Well, Chavala, I wish you everything you wish for yourself.”

She smiled and held him close. “It’s for the whole family, Moishe. It’s not just for me. You think I’m going to let you deliver pants for the rest of your life? Chavala’s brother is going to be a diamond merchant one day … take my word.”

From her mouth to God’s ears.

The first week in business she sold a saxophone for fifteen dollars.

The next week Mr. Leibowitz came to her with thirteen hundred dollars. “You see, I told you if you gave me a chance I would get top dollar.”

His honesty was worth more than the money. “What can I say, Mr. Leibowitz? You’re a wonderful person, I owe you so much…”

He shrugged in embarrassment, though he was clearly pleased. “Just make a living, Chavala.”

“I will, Mr. Leibowitz, with your help I will …”

During the next month Chavala began to loan money as well as sell. The first thing she took in was a gold wedding band. What weight it was she had no idea, but she held it in her hand as though she knew. When she examined inside and saw the inscription … “With love always,” she swallowed hard, and loaned the young woman five dollars. Money was a miserable thing, thought Chavala. She hated herself for the rest of the day, knowing the tears that must have been shed. It could cause a lot of pain … but it could also bring happiness … Try to remember that, she instructed herself.

Thanks to the hours Mr. Leibowitz had spent with her in the evenings, she knew much more now than when her sign first went up. Looking through the loupe, she could see the flaws. Mr. Leibowitz even taught her how to calibrate the size of a stone. Still, in spite of all she was taught, it was Chavala’s own instincts that mostly guided her. It didn’t take her too long to realize that understanding human nature was at the root of this business … When a customer was both in a hurry and willing to take almost any amount offered, it meant the goods were stolen … Merchandise not redeemed by the due date, Chavala put away in the old vault. Sooner than she’d hoped, her goals were beginning to emerge as reality. Her confidence grew, and so did her girth…

Reuven looked at his mother’s bulging belly. He was going to have his bar mitzvah next month, and he was very unhappy. Both impending events were upsetting reminders that his father would not be with them. The
tallis
and
yarmulke
that his father had sent from Palestine made the sense of loss even greater.

On the day of his bar mitzvah he mumbled through the ceremony. Instead of having his mind on this signal passage into manhood, his mind and heart were in Eretz Yisroel. He couldn’t help it, he hated this place. It wasn’t his country, it never would be. Who wanted to become a man in a place that didn’t want you?

Chavala had different feelings as she listened to her son. Her joy too was limited, but not by the ceremony. Dovid should have come … he owed at least that much to his son … to her too? She knew he must have wanted to come, that his work must have held him, but still… what were the priorities? This was his only son’s most important life event… Be fair, she reminded herself. If he was the one who had refused to come, she was the one who had insisted on going. Once again she wondered if she’d been right, why was she trying so hard to secure the future if it meant such sacrifices … But when she looked up and saw her son standing there at the podium in his
yarmulke
,
tallis
, and the navy blue suit she’d bought him, her misgivings were quickly set aside. No. Her efforts weren’t for nothing. She’d work to provide enough for him to go to college. Chia sitting beside her made her resolve even stronger. Stop this self-doubt, this recrimination … gradual as it was, her business had already grown to the point where she was sending money to Raizel and Dvora. Next week Moishe would be able to quit his job in the garment district and become her partner. That was all part of what she was struggling for, wasn’t it?

Feeling better, she embraced Reuven. “I was so proud of you standing up there, a man now …” And then with an effort … “Your father, I know, feels the same way. We’re
all
so proud …”

Under his breath, without a smile, he managed a “thank you.” Anything more would have been too much.

Chia hurriedly moved to save the moment when she hugged Reuven and said, “A rabbi couldn’t have done better, you were
wonderful
, Reuven.”

He nodded. It was much the same with Uncle Moishe and Mr. Leibowitz, from whom Reuven with formal politeness accepted a fountain pen.

In spite of herself, and her earlier good thoughts, Chavala wept inside, knowing full well Reuven’s feeling of loss.

“
Nu,
Moishe?” Chavala said to her brother on the first day he came to work at the pawnshop. “You see, I told you, before you can walk you have to crawl. And now we’re already walking … a little bit at first, one step at a time. I told you you wouldn’t be delivering pants forever.”

He looked at the framed dollar on the wall over the cash register, the first one Chavala had earned. Well, he’d been right about that He should also have known that when Chavala said she would do something, she would, by God, do it. “So, I’m not as smart as you.”

“You’re as smart, all right. All you have to do is have patience at the right time, and then run when it’s the right time. I may not have the best education in the world, but life has been my training school. I figured out that there’s a formula for success, anyone can become rich—”

Moishe smiled. “Anyone?”

“Anyone. You know what the secret formula is? Hard work. Presto. Forget the fine neighborhood, the grand apartment … all those things only happen after you’ve made your mark. So why think about them before … ? Come, I’ll show you something.”

It was quitting time. Chavala pulled down the shade on the door, reversed the small sign to read “Closed.” switched off all the lights except the one she left burning all night. Then she walked to the back room, which she used as an office to do the bookkeeping.

Moishe waited, and watched, as Chavala dialed the combination to the safe. When the door opened, Chavala took out four cigar boxes, brought them to the table and sat down.

Moishe’s heart thumped as Chavala shoved the boxes in front of him. He looked first from the boxes then to Chavala, “Open them. Nothing will bite you.” She laughed.

He opened one, gasped, and then opened the others. Inside were gold signet rings, earrings, stickpins, diamond rings, bracelets and brooches.

He looked from them to Chavala. “These are yours?”

“
Ours
.”

“How … I mean, how did you get all this?”

“By doing a service. To be blunt, from someone’s
tzuris.
Happy I’m not about it, but I remind myself that I wasn’t the one who caused their problems. I gave them money when they needed it,
when nobody else would
.” She stopped herself. So why was she explaining so much … ?

“I still don’t understand, this is a pawnshop. You have to return the merchandise.”

“If they pay. You saw the sign. If not redeemed after thirty days we are entitled to keep it.”

“People didn’t come back?”

“Some didn’t, some of the merchandise I bought.”

“I can’t get over it.”

“I know. I used to go back, take a look and pinch myself.”

Moishe still shook his head in wonder, “What do you do now? You sell it?”

“No.”

“No? What good is it in a box?”

“Who says I’m going to keep it in a box?”

“Well, then … I don’t understand. You wouldn’t sell it, you wouldn’t keep it. So?”

“I’ve learned a little, Moishe. The stones we take out of the mountings and have the metal melted down. It brings a higher price.”

“How did you get to be so smart?”

“From hunger. Pregnancy. Also having a family to be taken care of.”

Moishe shook his head. “So you’ll sell the things separately?”

“No. Not yet.”

“I don’t know, maybe I’m dumb … but what good is all this if you don’t sell?”

“It’s good like money in the bank, Moishe. When we have an inventory we’ll remount the stones and start a retail jewelry store.”

Moishe smiled, still amazed at what she’d done and knew in such a short time. He thought back to his war days. If they’d had more with his sister’s guts and spirit the damned Turks would never have had a chance. “When will that be? The store … ?”

“When we can take more than one step at a time. There’s a time to run and a time to be patient. I told you that. Now I’ll teach you the business and we’ll start running. Who better could I run with?” she said, as she privately thought of Dovid … “Well, we’re a family … a little spread out at the moment … and we have to take care of our own. If not us, who? Dovid is doing it his way in Palestine. I’m just trying to do my part here … Now I’ll put these back and we’ll go home to supper.

When they arrived home, Reuven, for the first time since they’d left Palestine, was smiling. Excitedly he said, “You have a letter from
abba
.”

Chavala smiled when she saw the letter, addressed to her, had already been read by Reuven. To see the happiness on Reuven’s face was worth foregoing the pleasure she always felt when the letters arrived from Dovid. She didn’t even have to read it. Reuven almost screamed, “
Abba’s
coming … he’s
coming
…”

He hugged and kissed her. She looked at her son, “You see, Reuven, how things work out?”

He smiled, nodded.

“So take a lesson from this.”

The family was waiting for Dovid. When they saw him begin to walk down the gangplank, Chavala had to restrain Reuven from running up and bumping into people.

He was, though, the first that Dovid embraced. How good the boy felt in his arms. Then he looked at Chavala. Except for the beginnings of a slight silver streak in her otherwise chestnut hair, she actually looked no older than when he had married her. None of the hardships showed. Only the coming child, which swelled her belly.

“Chavala.” He said her name like a declaration. Gone were all misgivings, nagging resentments. “It’s been so long.”

“We’re
together
, Dovid. Something I thought would have taken much longer.” Dear God, where had she gotten the courage … or
chutzpah?
… to leave him? And, yes, courage to stay? They embraced for so long Chia finally laughed. “Excuse me,
abba
, we’re here too, you know.”

He looked at her, took them all in again … In nine months? Was that all it took to grow up so? The differences in Chia and Reuven were startling. He had to look twice at his son. Maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him, but he could have sworn he saw a dark, fuzzy down on his upper lip.

Moishe put his arms around Dovid and they embraced as old colleagues, former soldiers and members of the same family. Moishe said quietly, “It means so much to us that you’ve come.”

Dovid thought back to a young boy who worked at a cobbler’s bench with him, who sat wide-eyed at the meetings of the Lovers of Zion. He remembered the day of Moishe’s
bris
, and now he was twenty-nine. Unbelievable … “No more than it means for me to be here with you.”

Chavala took Dovid by the arm and the family walked out into the dwindling light of the late autumn day.

Dovid was unprepared for what he saw. The streets of the lower East Side of New York thronged with pushcart vendors hawking their wares, people bargaining. A water hydrant had broken and children slipped and slid under the force of the water, laughing delightedly. This was their park, their playground. Who knew about being deprived? Old, bearded men stood in doorways discussing the
Midrash
, the Talmud. On the roofs the wash flapped drying in the wind. If Chavala had thought Jaffa was confusing the day they arrived from Russia …

As they came closer to Chavala’s flat Dovid thought Mea Shearim was preferable by far but said nothing. When they climbed the five flights of rickety stairs, Chavala held tight to the unsteady bannister. In the last few days the stairs had seemed nearly to defeat her. Breathing rapidly, she took out the key, unlocked the door and ushered him in.