No Turning Back (38 page)

The past tense set off a crushing pain in his chest.
You deserved this
, he reminded himself.
Take it like a man.

“I loved you, and even though I knew it wasn't mutual, I still thought you might have had feelings for me. Through this whole thing, that was the worst part about what you said to me, because it made very clear the fact that you hated my guts.”

“I never— ”

“How could you have thought I had something to do with Rhys hitting that mine? Me, Ben? Of all the people in the world, I thought you knew me well enough to know I'd never hurt someone I cared about.”

Jesus, he still cringed when he thought about it. He didn't know what to say to make it better. “I'm sorry.” A hollow feeling filled his gut. “Is that why you left?”

“Partly.” Her gaze bored into his. “Mostly it was because I didn't have a choice. They physically dragged me out of there and took me straight to the CIA station so Miller and Luke could ‘question’ me,” she finished, using her fingers as quote marks. “I realize you were going through hell, Ben, but while you were sitting next to Rhys's bed, did you ever once think about what
I
was going through? Did you ever consider that I'd just gone through the same thing as you, except I'm a civilian? I had absolutely no training to fall back on for that scenario, and I had no way of coping with the fact that I had killed a man and been shot with a rifle round and watched one of my teammates get blown up because I'd sent him down the wrong road. Or did you forget all of that?”

“I— ”

“Not only did I have to deal with the fact that you blamed me for everything and hated my guts, I had to answer to my boss and his superiors because of it. And when they sent me to Langley for more debriefing, who did I have to turn to when they hollowed me out like a melon and sent me home when they were done? No one. Not my dad, because he could never even begin to understand what I'd been through. Not even Nev, because she'd already been sent home to New York and had her own baggage to deal with. You were the one I needed to talk to, and I couldn't.” She put her hands on her head. “God, do you have any idea what being treated like that feels like, let alone by someone you
loved
?”

Because he didn't trust himself to speak yet, Ben shook his head. God, the pain he'd inflicted on her.

“Well then I'll tell you. Devastating doesn't even begin to describe it. I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I can't concentrate, and I can't sleep. And when I do, I either have nightmares or dream of you. I wake up alone crying
every single night
.”

The sorrow in her eyes made him want to drop to his knees and beg her forgiveness, plead for another chance. “Sam... ”

He started to rise and go to her, but she cut him off with an angry shake of her head. Ben fought down his impatience and sat back down. He at least owed her the chance to vent and get this all out.

“You know what the most pathetic part of it is? I wasn't going to leave that hospital in Kabul. Not until we cleared everything up between us. I would have stayed as long as it took for you to talk to me. I would have been there for you every second of Rhys’ coma and I would have stuck with you through everything that came afterward if I thought there was any hope at all that you cared about me.”

He knew she would have. Holding her gaze, he leaned forward. “I wasn't thinking straight that day. That's the only thing I can say in my own defense, and I'm so damned sorry. I shouldn't have accused you and shut you out like that. I just didn't know what to think. There were too many coincidences.”

“But you
should
have known what to think. You shouldn't even have had to question my love for you and my loyalty to the team. That's the point.”

He sighed. “Just for a second, try and see it from my point of view.”

She snorted. “You don't think I have? I was there. I realize how suspicious things must have seemed. I even tried to give you the benefit of the doubt because of all that had happened since Baghdad and because I knew how terrified you were that Rhys would die. The missing coordinates and note from Tehrazzi looked bad enough before Rhys got hurt, and after that I didn't have a chance in hell of defending myself to you. But I still thought you'd come to your senses when Rhys came out of surgery and things calmed down.”

“You're right. About everything. I shouldn't have accused you no matter how traumatized I was. Believe me, I regret every stupid fucking word I said to you in that waiting room.”

Sam hugged herself tighter, looking so hurt and bewildered it damn near killed him not to hold her.

Then she hid her emotions behind a calm mask before straightening her spine. “Fine, I believe you,” she said, turning away as though she was going to leave the room. “Thanks for telling me.”

Ben couldn't help but notice she hadn't said anything about forgiving him before she'd dismissed him.

Without thinking, he jumped up and grabbed her arm. Sam froze, jerking her gaze up in surprise. The warmth and firmness of her skin registered beneath his fingers. He wanted to bend his head to kiss each and every freckle on her pretty, straight nose. Her scent reached out to tease him, a mix of fruity shampoo and lotion that made him ache to pull her close and breathe more of it in. He'd dreamed of her, too, along with the nightmares. Did she think he wasn't affected by what had happened out there? He'd woken up alone and aching for her night after night, knowing he had no one but himself to blame for her absence.

Helpless not to, he brought one hand up and stroked his thumb over the petal softness of her cheek. She didn't move, but he caught the shock and flare of physical awareness in her eyes. “Sam... ”

“What?” she whispered.

“Tell me what to do to fix it.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes as though she couldn't bear to see him. “You can't fix it.”

He had to. Failure here was not an option. “Let me try.”

“There's nothing there to fix anymore.”

“Yes, there is.”

Her eyes flew open and she nailed him with a venomous glare. “Why the hell should I listen to anything you have to say after the way you treated me?”

The muscles in his jaw flexed. He'd never felt so exposed, but he'd known this wouldn't be easy. “Because I love you.”

It stunned her into stillness. Her mouth parted in surprise. It took a moment for her to collect herself. “You can't say that to me. Not now.”

“I just did.” Heart pounding, he took her face in his hands, desperate to get through to her. He had to make her believe him. “I love you.”

She blinked a couple of times, her eyes flooding with tears. Then she shook her head.

He wouldn't give up. “Why do you think I reacted so strongly? I'd fallen in love with you somewhere along the way, and I thought you might have betrayed my brother to save your cousin. It was a shitty thing for me to think, yeah, but if I hadn't cared about you so much I wouldn't have blasted you like that.”

“What, you expect me to be glad about that?” She stifled a choked sound.

“Don't cry,” he pleaded, dropping his head to kiss the tears away, his chest tight as a vise. He hated knowing he'd caused her so much pain, would do anything to take it away, even if it meant leaving her. It would tear his heart out, but he'd do it if it was best for her. “Please, Sam. Give me one last chance.”

She vibrated beneath his hands. “God, Ben, I can't take this. Not now. I've spent this whole time trying to get my life back together. I need to get over you... ”

A flare of panic hit him. “Sam, please let me— ”

“
Stop
.”

Unwanted tears boiled up. In another second he was going to lose it completely. He shook his head. “I can't,” he said hoarsely. “I can't let you go without a fight.”

“That's just it, Ben. I don't want to fight, and I'm done with being on the receiving end of your suspicion and anger.”

He firmed his grip, determined to get through to her. “I never meant to take it out on you, Sam, and I swear to God I'll never hurt you again. Just please, don't walk away.” He swallowed. “Please. I need you.”

A moment later, she lifted her head and stared at him with tear-drenched eyes. “I can't do it. I can't open myself up to you like that again. I want to believe you, more than anything, but I don't think I can trust that you won't do the same damn thing the next time something goes wrong.”

“Just give me the chance to earn your trust back.”

“It's not that simple, and you know it.” A terrible sorrow filled her eyes. “I tried to earn yours back, and look how well that turned out.”

Ben swallowed. The crushing pressure in his chest almost suffocated him.

Sam's eyes squeezed shut as she battled with herself. Then the lids flipped open. “Even if I did, I don't know if I can forget what happened.”

Sensing a softening in her, he leapt all over her indecision. “I don't expect you to. All I want is another chance.”

A bitter laugh escaped her. “You've had plenty of chances already. What makes this one any different?”

He pushed, because fighting back was the only thing he knew how to do when his back was against the wall. “Because I love you and I don't want to lose you.”

“God, you have no idea how badly I want to believe you.”

Ben held his breath.
Please, please...

Sam studied him a full minute while he sweated out her decision. Then she exhaled a deep breath. “Don't you
ever
hurt me like that again.”

Was that a yes? His heart broke open. “I won't. I swear.”

“But if I do this, you need to know this is your last chance.” Her set expression left no doubt she meant every word of it. The next offense was strike three, and he'd be out on his ass for good.

“Understood.” The ache in his throat nearly choked him. Had he done it? Had he won her back? He stroked a hand over her shiny hair. “I'd
really
love to hold you right now. Can I?”

A tear slipped over her cheek. He brushed it away. She hesitated a moment, then tucked her face against his chest and melted into him. Her grip was fierce. The earth seemed to tilt under Ben's feet. He slid his hands over her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her, groaning in relief as he brought her full up against him. A tremor rippled through her.

“Sam,” he murmured, burying his face in her soft hair. He'd missed her so damn much.

Raising her face, she gave him a tentative, watery smile. “God, you have no idea how much I've missed you.” Then she leaned up and kissed him.

Joy and need raced through him, making him lightheaded. He kissed her back, his arms jealously tight around her, locking her to him as he took over, licking along her soft lower lip until she opened and let him in to caress her tongue with his. She moaned and twined her arms around his neck, her urgency making him burn with the need to bury himself inside her. The realization had him breaking the kiss.

Sam blinked up at him with a confused expression. “What's wrong?”

His throat was as tight as the rest of him when he answered. “This isn't why I came.” It seemed presumptuous to tumble her into bed when her trust in him was so precarious. “I promised you a walk.”

She smiled. “Later. I want you.”

He hesitated. “You sure?” He was so afraid of messing this up.

“Don't you want me?”

What the hell kind of question was that? He was standing in front of her and breathing, wasn't he? “Hell yes, I want you.”

A bright laugh escaped her. “We've already lost two weeks together. Don't make me wait any more.”

“I don't want to screw this up— ”

“Then listen to me.” Her eyes challenged him. “You said you love me. Prove it.”

He didn't deserve her. All that warmth and strength, all that passion blazing in her eyes for him. Instinct took over. He grabbed her up in his arms, nibbling at the sensitive spot on her neck and inhaling her delicious scent as she fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. By the time he made it to her bedroom and laid her on the soft white sheets of her sleigh bed, he was ready to burst.

Fighting to slow down, he kissed her tenderly while he unbuttoned her blouse and undid the front clasp of her pink lace bra. For a moment, he stared. Her skin was so lovely, all pale and creamy, her nipples a delicate shade of pink, turning to a deep raspberry as they tightened beneath his gaze. Two rosy buds begging for his touch, his mouth.

The instant his fingers stroked over the curve of her breast she bowed up with a guttural moan and clutched him tighter, bringing her legs up around his hips and pulling him into her body. His cock pulsed desperately against his zipper. He sank down with a sigh and lowered his mouth to one nipple, sucking with slow, firm pressure. So lovely.

“Ben,” she quavered breathlessly, fingers ripping at the buttons on his shirt and roving over his bare chest, down his clenched abdomen to his waistband. “I want you in me.”

He shuddered, pushing against the eager hands stroking over his throbbing erection. She shoved her skirt up and he wrenched her panties down her gorgeous legs, leaving her bare to his hands and mouth. Sam cried out and buried her fingers in his hair when he licked her there and tried to drag him up, but he held her thighs wider apart and loved her with tender sweeps of his tongue, lost in her outrageously sexy response, hungry for the taste of her. He suckled gently, fighting back the need to rear up and plunge inside her when she moaned low and long in her throat. Sam's eyes were glazed with pleasure, the lids heavy, her cheeks flushed, full lips parted. She trembled beneath him, sinking her teeth into her lower lip when he slid a finger inside her.

“Ben... ” She moaned and pushed up against his mouth. She was panting, almost there. “Inside me. Please.”

Reluctantly, he released her, pausing a second so she could watch him glide his tongue along his lower lip and suck at it, savoring her tangy-sweet flavor. In answer she grabbed him and hauled him up the length of her with surprising strength. He chuckled against her lips as she tore the condom she'd grabbed from her nightstand open and helped him smooth it on. She ate him up like a famished woman, undulating against him and taking his straining cock in her hand with an impatient sound when he didn't move fast enough for her.