No Wings to Fly (43 page)

‘I said just now,’ Joel said, ‘that I’ve got to go away.’

She nodded. ‘Where are you going?’

‘To the Continent.’

‘On business for the stores.’

‘Yes. Not directly to the store in Paris, though. I shall be travelling around a bit first. Quite a bit. I have to visit suppliers in Italy, in Milan and Florence, also in Brussels. I’m going to be very busy. It’s all – most of it – to do with certain fabrics we import.’

‘Expensive fabrics,’ she said, taking refuge in banality.

He smiled. ‘Oh, yes, very expensive. Italian silks, French organzas, Belgian lace. It’s a job my brother used to do. I’ve been learning it as well as I can – with the help of our man who used to work alongside him. He’s away ill, though, so it’s come down to me. I shall finish the trip in Paris. My father will be there by then. He’s going out on business for the store.’

‘Paris,’ Lily said. ‘The young lady, Simone – Miss Roget – is she in Paris?’

He nodded. I intend to see her while I’m there.’ He paused. ‘Because – because I know now that I must –
must
end it.’

Lily leant back in the chair, one hand rising to her mouth. ‘End it,’ she murmured. ‘With her, Simone.’

‘Yes.’ He gave a deep sigh and turned his head towards the window. ‘I’ve got no choice now. I know that. I’ve come to realise that.’ He turned back to her, looking earnestly into her face. ‘You’ve been on my mind so much – and I can’t go on as I have. It’s
you
I need in my life, Lily – if I’m to be happy. I can’t live my life for others – my father – Simone. I can’t be that unselfish. I can’t make myself into what others want of me. I have my own needs. And I need you.’

She could think of no words to say, and sat in silence, one hand still raised to her mouth, waiting.

He went on after a moment, ‘Certain things have happened in our lives – in your life and my life, Lily – things we’ve allowed to keep us apart. But no more. I’m twenty-eight now, and in some way perhaps I’ve gained enough sense to see that I’ve been a fool in some of the things I’ve done. But I’m stronger too. And it isn’t too late for us. I know it’s not.’

With a little sigh, Lily said, ‘I think perhaps it’s always been too late for us.’

‘No, don’t say that. It isn’t too late. I can put things right, and I can make it up to you. And I will, believe me.’ He paused. ‘Of course – it all depends on one thing.’

She waited, saying nothing.

‘The big question, Lily,’ he said at last. ‘Do you – do you love me?’

‘Joel –’ she began, ‘how can such –?’

‘Tell me,’ he broke in. ‘I have to know. Do you? Do you love me?’

She gazed at him, her brow creased. ‘I’ve never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever could.’

He smiled now, a slow smile that transformed his grave expression. ‘That’s all I needed to know. I can do anything now.’

He took out his watch and consulted it again. ‘Five minutes and I shall have to go.’ He slipped it back into his waistcoat pocket and laid his hand over hers. This time she did not draw her hand away. ‘The next time we meet,’ he said, ‘things will be different.’

‘Does Simone – love you, Joel?’ she said.

He gave a reluctant nod, his expression sorrowful. ‘Yes – I believe she does.’

Lily gave a little groan. ‘Poor woman. This will break her heart. Joel, are you sure about this?’

‘Yes, I am. I’ve got to do it. I must, or I’ll regret it the rest of my life.’

Lily was silent for a moment, then she said, ‘Your father, too. You’ll have to speak to him.’

‘Of course, and I don’t mind admitting that I’m dreading it. But – but it must be done.’

‘He knows of me, doesn’t he? You told me he does.’

‘Yes, he does.’

‘And – he knows of the child too.’

‘Yes.’ He was silent for a moment, then he said, ‘Do you ever hear anything of him, Lily – the child?’

‘No.’ She cast her eyes down. ‘He has a life with others. He’s – someone else’s son.’ Immediately she had spoken she wanted to say,
But I know where he lives. He’s with a family in Happerfell
. But the words remained in her head.

A few moments of silence went by. The rain was easing. ‘Your father,’ she said, ‘how do you think he’ll respond? He’s got his own ideas for your future.’

Joel hesitated, then said, ‘He needs me in the business.’ Then he added, a faint note of defiance in his tone, ‘I can’t let him govern my whole life. My life is my own, and I must live it how I wish. He’ll be unhappy, of course, and angry and disappointed, but that must be borne. Anyway, it won’t last for ever. I’ll make my peace with him. I’m his son, and he loves me – and in time, when he’s come to know you, he’ll love you as I do.’

Lily gave a little sigh. ‘If only people didn’t have to get hurt.’

‘Yes. I wish that too.’

‘I keep thinking of her – the young lady – Simone . . .’

‘I know. It’s going to be the most dreadful humiliation for her, but – there’s no other way.’

Lily realised, dully, that the room was slowly brightening. The rain had ceased and the clouds were clearing.

‘When do you leave – for the Continent?’ she said.

‘Monday morning. I’ll write to you. Shall I be able to reach you at Sherrell?’

‘Only for a few more days. I shall be going to live in Seston – in just over a fortnight. I’ve found a new position.’

He smiled. ‘Oh – I’m glad to hear that. You must be very relieved.’

‘There are five children.’

‘Five. Are you looking forward to it?’

She paused. ‘I shall manage.’

‘You don’t sound that sure.’

‘As I say – I’ll manage. I’m determined to succeed.’

‘And you will. So – can I write to you there?’

‘Yes, of course.’ She took a small notebook and a little pencil from her reticule, and on a page wrote the Corelmans’ address. ‘But don’t write to me there before the eleventh of September,’ she said as she passed the paper to him. ‘That’s the day I start my duties.’

‘I’ll remember.’ He slipped the paper into his waistcoat pocket. After a moment, he said, ‘I meant to ask about your brother. You said you were hoping to see him.’

‘I did see him. He’s back from London, thank heaven, and working on a farm at Wilton Ferres. Things are looking so much better. I hope to be seeing him again next Friday, if he can get into Corster.’

‘Good. And now you’ve got your position too, in Seston. Things are definitely looking better.’

‘Yes, they are.’ She nodded as she spoke, but she could not keep the shade of doubt from her voice.

‘Listen,’ he said, ‘in two months I’ll be back again. Try to think of that. It’s not going to be easy for me over the next few weeks – I’ve no doubt about that – but once those weeks are over I’ll return, and we shall have the rest of our lives together.’ He pressed her hands and gave a sigh. ‘And now – now I must go.’ He looked over towards the window. ‘Thank heaven the rain’s stopped at last.’ Lily’s
glance followed his, and as she took in the rain-washed back yard a woodpecker flew down and alighted on the edge of an old earthenware pot that sat on the roof of the small coal bunker. Perched on the pot’s broken rim, the bird delicately dipped his scarlet-capped head to drink from the collected rain water, then stretched up his throat to swallow. He did it three, four times, and then, lifting his dramatic wings, flew away.

‘He was beautiful,’ Joel said.

‘Yes, he was.’

Joel’s glance left the window and moved over the room, taking in the humble furnishings. ‘I shan’t forget this place,’ he said. He leant forward then and kissed her. The act took her a little by surprise, and made her catch slightly at her breath. His lips were soft upon her mouth, his breath sweet and warm, familiar and yet so new. He drew back a little, then put his hands beneath her arms and lifted her from the chair. In a moment they were standing together by the table. His arms were around her, holding her to him.

‘Tell me again that you love me, Lily,’ he said. ‘Tell me again so that I can keep the words with me. Tell me again.’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I love you.’

He pressed a hand to his chest. ‘I shall keep those words here. I shall need them to keep me going in the difficult times.’

He picked up his jacket, gave it a little shake, and pulled it on. Looking into a small discoloured glass beside the mantelpiece he ran a hand over his hair and adjusted the knot of his tie. He turned back to her and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘I’ll write to you soon.’

‘Yes.’

‘And I’ll be back by the end of October. Just – just be waiting for me.’

‘I will.’ She would count the days.

‘Kiss me again . . .’

His face bent to hers and once more she felt his lips pressing on her own, while his arms came around her and held her fast. She could have had the moment last for ever, but then he was drawing back, holding her at arms’ length, looking down into her eyes again.

‘Goodbye, Lily.’

‘Goodbye.’

He released her, took up his hat and case, and went to the door. She was still standing there as she heard his footsteps moving through the hall, the opening and closing of the front door and then the sudden silence of the little house.

Later, at Rowanleigh, Lily told Miss Elsie of the offer of the governess’s post from Mr Corelman, and that she was to start work for him on the eleventh of next month. When Miss Elsie asked where she planned to stay till she moved to Seston, Lily said she was keeping on her room in Little Patten. Miss Elsie responded saying she would not hear of such a thing, and that Lily must come and stay at Rowanleigh.

So, the following afternoon Lily made her way to her lodgings in Ashway Lane. It did not take long for her few belongings to be packed up, and after she had said her sad goodbyes to Mrs Thorne, she set off back for Sherell.

At Rowanleigh the hours passed slowly. Lily did her best to start planning some lessons for her first week with the Corelman children, but the task was not easy, for she was working much in the dark; she had not met the children, nor yet, come to that, had any discussion with their father about their lessons. Nevertheless, bearing in mind the forceful nature of Mr Corelman, she must do what she could.

Frequently as she worked, her thoughts moved to Joel. She wondered how he was faring and where he was in the course of his travels. So often she thought back to their
meeting in the little empty house. She still found it hard to grasp that it had actually happened, that he had been there and said such things to her. She heard again his words, listened again to the tone of his voice, and saw again the tenderness in his face. And while in one part of her mind she dared not hope for too much, in another part she was ready and eager to accept it all. She must believe him, she told herself. He truly loved her; she was sure of it now. With the thought she felt a little surge of happiness that rose and filled her heart.

Of the fact that Joel had come back into her life, she said nothing to Miss Elsie. There would be a time when she could speak of it, but that time was not yet come.

On Tuesday morning the postman came bearing a letter from Tom:

Lily read his letter in a glow of pleasure, and immediately sat down to dash off a few lines in reply, telling him that she would be there to meet him. Also, she wrote that she had at long last found new employment, and was to begin in her new position in a fortnight, on the eleventh, with a family in Seston.

Early on Friday morning she received in the post an envelope that had been addressed to her at Roseberry Cottage in Little Patten, and forwarded on by Mrs Thorne. Mary had brought it up to Lily’s room and Lily held it in her hand as she stood at the window looking out onto a green lawn that was still almost sparkling under its fading dew. She had known a certain very positive feeling within her on waking that morning. She had thought of Joel once more, and of his promises, and looked forward with renewed hope in her heart to the time when he would be returning from France. There was also the fact that she was due to meet Tom that evening.

The envelope, which she had just opened, held a smaller envelope addressed to her at the
Gazette
, and was surely a response to her classified advertisement in the newspaper. Whatever might be offered now, however, would be too late, she thought; she was already committed to Mr Corelman.

Briefly she took in the writing on the envelope – a casual, dashed-off hand – then tore open the flap and took out the letter. It was with a shock that struck to her very core, that she began to take in the significance of what was before her:

The Gables
Bourneway
Happerfell
Nr Corster, Wilts
28th August 1871