No Wings to Fly (7 page)

‘Ah, yes,’ he said, ‘but not to be, I’m afraid. That wouldn’t be regarded as a real career. For a time, it was something I thought was a possibility, but in the end you have to face reality.’ He paused. ‘We have – certain courses to follow – and they must be followed.’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I understand.’ She looked at him in the afternoon light. There was a touch of sadness in the line of his lip, but even as she saw it, it was gone. She turned back to the sketchbook in her hands and turned to the next page, showing the drawing of a woman in a lace cap, sitting sewing. ‘Is this your mother?’ she said.

‘Yes, it is.’

‘Well – she looks a nice lady.’

‘She is indeed. She’s very kind, and very sweet.’

Lily smiled. ‘I wonder what she’d say if she knew you were not out sketching, but sitting in the park talking to a
strange young woman? What would she say, Joel?’

‘You know,’ he said, ‘that’s the first time you’ve used my name.’

She set the sketchbook down beside her on the seat. ‘I don’t know your other name,’ she said.

‘Nor I yours.’

‘Clair,’ she said. ‘Lily Clair. Lily Mary Clair.’

‘Ah – Lily Mary Clair.’ He smiled warmly. ‘Well, I’m glad to know that.’

‘And you?’

‘I’m Joel Asa Goodhart.’

‘Asa – well, there’s a famous name.’

‘Famous?’

‘
Our American Cousin
,’ she said. ‘The play that President Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated last year.’

‘Oh, yes,’ Joel said. ‘Asa. The American cousin was Asa, wasn’t he?’

‘But Goodhart,’ Lily said. ‘I’ve only heard of one Goodhart – the big draper’s stores in Corster and Bath.’

Joel said nothing, and Lily looked at him for a moment, then said, ‘Is that you, Joel? Are you
that
Goodhart?’

He gave a little nod and said wryly, ‘For my sins, I’m afraid so.’

‘Really? And there’s one in France too, I read.’

‘In Paris, that’s right.’

‘How is that – that there’s one in Paris?’

‘My mother is French. She inherited the Paris store from her father.’ He looked at Lily’s wide eyes. ‘You look – so surprised.’

‘Well, I am. Of course I am.’ She thought about it for a moment. ‘So you’ll be going into the family business, will you?’

‘Eventually, yes, when I finish at university. Though I’m getting my hand in in the meantime, working at the stores during the summer break. Getting experience.’

She nodded. ‘And studying to be a lawyer. Mm, I think you must have quite a future ahead of you, Joel.’

He merely smiled at this. Further along the bank the mallard drake and duck took to the water and moved smoothly away.

‘If you can’t be a schoolmistress,’ Joel said, ‘what d’you think you might do?’

‘I don’t know. Mr Micawber always thought something would turn up, but in my case – I’m not so sure. I don’t know. Maybe I could go as a companion to a rich lady and travel the world.’

‘Would you like to do that? Travel the world?’

‘Well, it would be exciting – having never been further than Corster or Redbury. I can only imagine what those foreign cities must be like. I’ve read about them, of course, and they all sound so different – Paris, St Petersburg, Rome. And what about Venice, where they don’t have any roads or turnpikes? The people have to travel on the canals in those two-fronted boats.’

As she finished speaking she realised that the music had stopped again, and then on the air came the sound of a distant church clock striking the hour of five. She sighed. ‘Oh, dear, something’s telling me that I’d better think about getting back.’

‘Oh, must you go so soon? It’s early yet.’

‘It’s time I went.’ She retied the strings of her bonnet and picked up her bag. Joel stood up beside her.

From the bench by the pond they set off over the grass, joining a pathway that led to the gates. Out on the street they walked side by side until eventually they came to the Corster Road. A little distance along, Lily came to a stop.

‘It’s just a short way now,’ she said.

‘Shall I see you again?’ Joel asked.

She had expected the question, part of her mind dreading
it, part hoping for it, and she was in turmoil. But she must say no. She must refuse him. For a while back there she had been a little carried away by the sheer pleasure of his company, and by the music and the sunshine, and for that time she had allowed herself to forget the reality of her situation. But as he had said, it had to be faced. She was a maid, a simple domestic. Whatever her aspirations, that was all she was.

‘Shall I?’ he said. ‘Next Sunday? By the park gates?’

She said after a moment, ‘I don’t get much time off.’

‘But you’ll have a little time to spare, surely – after you get the old lady her dinner.’

She said nothing.

‘Just a few minutes,’ Joel said.

After a second she gave a nod. ‘Yes – all right. Just for a while.’

He smiled. ‘Good. That’s excellent.’

‘I must bring you your book back too.’

‘Will you have finished it by then?’

‘I don’t know – but you must have it back.’

‘I’m in no hurry for it. Keep it as long as you want.’

She said nothing to this, and they stood in silence for some moments, she avoiding his gaze, which she knew was fixed upon her. Then she gave a little nod, an awkward half-smile, and said, ‘Well – goodbye, then.’

He smiled. ‘Till next Sunday – yes, goodbye.’

She turned and started away. It was some fifty yards to the house, and over every inch of those fifty yards the repeating thought went through her brain that she was behaving like a fool. How could she have agreed to meet him again? No good could ever come of it.

She came to the gate and, turning, saw him still standing there, watching her. Then, suddenly, she was hurrying back towards him. As she came to a halt before him, she said without preamble, gabbling the words, ‘I’m sorry, but
I can’t see you next Sunday. I simply shan’t have time. I’m very sorry.’ A brief pause. ‘Goodbye.’

‘Oh, wait a second,’ he said as she started away. ‘What about – well – can’t we meet on some other day?’

She turned back to face him. ‘I – I don’t know,’ she stammered. ‘Listen – I must go.’ She turned away, and then immediately turned back to him again. ‘Send me your address,’ she said, ‘and I’ll send you back your book.’

He frowned. ‘What? I don’t want the book. You can keep it.’

‘Oh, but –’

‘It’s just a book.’

She gave a little nod. ‘Well – thank you.’ Another little nod. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m really so sorry.’ She turned away for the last time. ‘Goodbye.’

As she walked away she could feel his eyes on her back. This time when she got to the gate, she did not look back.

The following Sunday afternoon, returning to the Haskins’ after getting Mrs Shalcross’s midday dinner, Lily took her usual route past the park. As she drew near the entrance she saw Joel there, sitting on a bench by the gates. For a moment she faltered in her step, and briefly considered changing direction, but he had his eyes on her, she could see, and as she approached, he got up from his seat and came towards her.

‘See, you can’t get rid of me that easily,’ he said.

She stood self-consciously before him. She felt foolish and ill-kempt. Through carelessness in Mrs Shalcross’s kitchen she had stained her dress, and now she could feel that a couple of her hair pins were coming loose.

‘I began to think you weren’t coming,’ he said. ‘Or maybe that you’d taken another route home.’

‘I had to stay on with the old lady. I’ve been doing jobs for her around the house.’ She shook her head. ‘I – I can’t
stop, I’m afraid. I told Mrs Haskin I’d be back in good time.’

‘Can’t you spare a few minutes? Ten minutes won’t hurt.’

When she did not answer, he said, ‘Five minutes, then. Come and sit down for five minutes.’ As he spoke there came from within the park the sound of the band striking up. ‘There you are,’ he said, ‘here’s the music – just for you.’

‘No, really, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry.’

With her words she stepped away, and at once he moved along beside her.

They walked without speaking alongside the park railings, then crossed the street to turn at the corner of Nelson Way, Lily walking at a smart pace, her basket over her arm. The music of the band faded behind them. After they’d gone a little way, Joel said, chuckling, ‘Well, you can certainly step it out, Lily. Good job I’ve got long legs.’

She slowed her pace a little. At the next corner she came to a halt. As Joel stopped beside her, she said, ‘You don’t need to come any further, thank you.’ She felt the skin on her face hot, flushed. She wanted only to get away.

‘What’s the matter?’ Joel said. ‘Have I done something to offend you? Have I said something?’

‘What? No, of course not.’ She looked down, unable to meet his gaze.

‘Then tell me what it is – what’s wrong. It’s like I’ve become some – some leper, or something.’

‘Look,’ she said, and took a step away, ‘I’ve got to go, really I have.’

‘Oh, no – don’t.’ His voice held a pleading tone. ‘Not like this. I’ve done something to offend you. You must tell me what it is. Please. We were getting on so well, and then – then you suddenly changed towards me. I thought we were becoming friends.’

She gave a little shake of her head. ‘We can’t be.’

‘No?’ He frowned his puzzlement. ‘Why is that? Have you discovered my secret past?’

‘Your secret past?’ She raised her eyes to him now.

‘I’m joking, Lily. That’s all.’ He gave a little groan. ‘I’m out of my depth here.’

‘No,’ she said, ‘it is I who am out of my depth.’

His frown was back. ‘Are you? How? In what way?’

She was silent for a second, then she said, ‘I’m a general maid, a maid-of-all-work, and I can’t see my situation changing dramatically. No matter how much I might wish it to.’

‘Don’t say that,’ he said. ‘Things could change for you. You could be a teacher one day, the way you want to be.’

‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘This is the real world. No one’s going to wave some magic wand. But that’s not the point. Joel – I have to think of what might happen . . .’ She came to a halt, unsure how to go on.

‘What might happen?’ he said.

‘Yes, with you and me. You said you like me and –’

‘Oh, I do. You know I do.’

‘Yes,’ she breathed, and gave a melancholy little smile. ‘And it made me so glad to know that.’

‘I thought you liked me too,’ he said.

She made no response, and he added, ‘I thought you did.’

Looking down at the dusty road, she murmured, ‘You must know I do.’

He smiled. ‘Then what is the problem?’

She hesitated, searching for words. ‘It doesn’t matter – if we like one another,’ she said. ‘Don’t you see, it can’t do any good. Just the contrary, in fact. I make my living, such as it is, in domestic service. I’m just a maidservant.’

‘No!’ he said with a note of passion in his whisper. ‘You’re not just a maidservant. You’re a clever, intelligent girl. I think you’re absolutely splendid – and you could be the best teacher a child ever had.’

His words gladdened her heart, and for a moment or two she basked in their warmth. Then, putting on a comical
little voice, in a heavy country accent, she said, ‘O’ course, you’ve got to know as I’ve been well brought up, sir. To be a good girl, I mean.’ She ended the words with a little laugh that rang hollow in the afternoon.

Joel did not join in. Gravely he said, ‘I know very well you’re a good girl, Lily Clair, and I’ve never thought otherwise, not for one single moment.’ He paused. ‘I like you, Lily, so much.’ His tone was softly earnest. ‘And you know I mean that seriously.’

She was silent for a second, then she said, ‘But I’m still a maid, Joel, and you’re still the son of a wealthy man, a man with a position. And such a man has great hopes and plans for his son. And I’m sure he’s taught you accordingly, and taught you well. Your mother, too. She has her own aspirations for you, and I daresay hers are not dissimilar to your father’s. They want you to be happy and successful, and I’m sure that that entails making a good marriage, doesn’t it?’ Following a little silence she gave a nod. ‘Of course it does. I’m quite sure that in their schemes they don’t see you getting serious about some little general maid.’

‘They want me to be happy, you’re right there,’ he said. ‘And why shouldn’t we be friends?’

‘Don’t you see? There’s no future in a friendship for you and me. We move in different circles.’

‘Times are changing, Lily.’

‘Yes, no doubt they are. But they won’t change quickly enough to affect us.’ She gave a sigh, eyes fixed on the ground. ‘I must go.’

‘Lily,’ he said, ‘don’t end it like this.’

‘I’ve got to try and be sensible.’ She briefly raised her eyes to his. ‘Goodbye, Joel.’

Without waiting for a response she turned away, and left him standing there.

*

The following Sunday when she came by the park he was there again. As she drew closer he came towards her, greeting her with a smile and a hello.

‘I didn’t expect to see you here,’ she said.

‘Didn’t you? Would you believe me if I said I just happened to be passing by?’

She had to smile. ‘Well, no – I have to say I wouldn’t.’

‘No, and I wouldn’t blame you. It wouldn’t be the truth.’ He paused. ‘You said to me that my father would have taught me well, didn’t you? Well, he’s taught me many things, one of them being that I should never take no for an answer.’

‘I’ll remember that,’ she said, then added, ‘Though if you wait for me again next week you’re going to wait a very long time.’

‘Ah, yes, you’re going home – to Compton Wells.’

‘For a fortnight. I leave first thing Sunday morning.’

He gave a nod and sighed. ‘And soon after you return I shall be off to France – and then come back for Cambridge, for the new term.’

He was studying her intently as he spoke, and she said after a moment, ‘What’s wrong? Have I got smuts on my nose?’

‘I’m trying to read your expression,’ he said. ‘I’m wondering whether I dare ask you to walk with me for a spell – seeing as how I can’t come and waylay you next Sunday.’