Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (53 page)

“Just shut up.”

“Okay.”  He paused and then thought
of something.  “I think I’ve finally figured out why people don’t like me, by
the way.”  He announced, sounding excited over his new realization.  “Because I
have you.  And they can’t believe that someone like me could possibly be so
lucky.  That I could find someone so miraculous, despite the fact that I’ve
done absolutely nothing to deserve you.  And they’re overcome with jealousy. 
That’s
why nobody likes me.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve
ever heard.”

“It’s a working theory.”

“Well, it’s stupid as a working
theory too.” 

He scoffed at her dismissal of his
obviously genius explanation.  “Ryle practically admitted it was true.  We had
a whole conversation about how sexy you were and his intention to pursue a
relationship with you.”

That got her attention.  “
Ryle
told you he wanted to have sex with me?”

“In those words?”  He nodded.  “Pretty
much, yeah.”

They were both silent for a beat,
then burst out in hilarious laughter.

When her giggles finally stopped, she
rested her hand against his chest.  “I don’t know, I think people hate you
because they just might be jealous over how good you are in bed.”

“But how would they know?”  His
hand began a lazy exploration of her body.

“Are you kidding?”  She snorted in
disbelief.  “I think half the kingdom heard my screams of ecstasy a minute
ago.”

He pursed his lips in thought as he
considered her reasoning.  “Possibly…”

“Might have missed a few people though…”

He nodded.  “They
could
have
been busy…”

“So, maybe we should try again?”

“Can’t leave anyone out, I
suppose.”

She shook her head.  “It’s like
your mother always said: ‘if something’s worth doing, it’s worth
overdoing
.”

“Please don’t quote my mother in
bed, Dove.”

She snorted.  “Don’t tell me what
to do, Uriah.  I’m the brains here.”

He chuckled in amusement, then
kissed her again.  “Blood and Treasure.”

“Blood and…”  She shook her head,
then kissed him back.  “No.  I think I’ll go with: ‘Love and treasure.’”

“I like the sound of that.”  He
sighed in complete contentment.  “Now let’s go home.” 

“
Growing
up, Lizzy's favorite dwarf was Grumpy.  Her favorite Care Bear was Grumpy.  Her
favorite Muppet was Oscar the Grouch.  Her favorite Smurf was Gargamel.  She
voted for Cobra.  She watched Return to Oz an unhealthy number of times.  And
she always named all of her toys after herself.  Psychologically, I'm not sure
what any of that means, but it's probably not good.”

- My sister Cassandra’s
description of me.

I hate pirate books.  I don’t find
them interesting.  The characters are always stuck in one spot (their ship) and
they never do anything new.  So, I wrote the anti-pirate book.  There aren’t
any naval battles.  They spend most of their time ashore.  There are no terrible
storms at sea, which only incredible captaining can steer them through.  No one
uses technical terms for parts of a vessel.  In this entire book, they don’t
fire a single cannon.  Structurally, it’s much closer to an old-school
adventure film than a pirate book, which makes me much happier.  I feel like
the essence of the pirate mythos is supposed to be adventure and freedom, with
some swashbuckling thrown in for good measure.  I have no interest in the rest
of it, since I feel it’s overused by the genre and doesn’t make for an
interesting book anyway.  So, I did my own thing instead.

I wanted this to be a real
character centered, human drama kind of thing.  Ransom’s old life vs new life. 
Set in Adithia, as she comes to terms with her family and Uriah’s growing
feeling that he’s losing her, bla-bla-bla.  A fairly standard little tale.  It
actually sounds like it could work.  But it doesn’t.  At least not with these
characters.  There was simply no way there would ever be a choice for her.  I
know; I tried.  She was always just like:  “Huh.  That’s nice.”  Then she went
right back to Uriah, no matter how tempting I made her old life look to her in
the beginning.  The drama of their relationship comes from their relationship
itself and not from any sort of obstacle I could devise.  They are their own
worst enemies and the ones who keep themselves from happiness, they just laugh
at the contrivances which would normally be used to delay a couple’s pairing. 
I even briefly toyed with the idea of having Uriah know who she was the entire
time and just be lying to her like, “Nope.  No idea who you are.”  Or “Oh yeah,
you and I are partners.”  I thought that might be a nice obstacle for them and
would make complete sense from a storyline standpoint.  But Uriah simply
wouldn’t do it.  He’s a liar, but he’s always concerned about her trusting him
(except at cards, which they both treat as a joke.)  And even if I could make
him lie, Ransom
still
didn’t care.  Their conversation about it (which I
did actually write out at one point) honest to God
literally
went:

Ransom: “So, you lied to me?” 

Uriah: “Yep.” 

Ransom: “Are you sorry?” 

Uriah: “Hell no.  I’d do it again. 
To have you in my life, I’d break every vow I’ve ever made.” 

Ransom (after a moment’s pause):
“Okay.” 

And then they went right back to
their lives.  Their relationship (or codependency, depending on how you want to
look at it) is simply too strong for that.  She just didn’t care.  And if
she
didn’t care, I saw no reason why
I
had to try to make Uriah lie in the
first place.  It was out of character for him and if I got no real storyline
out of it, the entire thing was useless.  So, I went with the version of the
story you just read.  That’s the story they wanted.  The drama comes from
them
,
while the plot merely provides them an opportunity to do stuff and make fun of
crazy people.  The simplified plot also allowed me to cut half a dozen
characters and unfortunately at least one loose end from the last book which I
wanted to deal with, but which I’ll now have to tie-up in another book.  It
also provided the perfect opportunity for Ryle to return however, bowing to the
requests of a lot of readers who specifically asked me to write him again. 
(See?  I actually do listen to the mail I get.  If you like something, let me
know!)

In the end, I think this version of
the story works much better than the first version anyway.  It’s sort of a
Night
at the Opera
kind of thing, where the Marx Brothers have very little to do
with the plot, despite the fact that they’re interacting with it in every
scene.  Technically, the actual plot is Din’s search for the lamp and the
trouble he runs into, I guess.  But Ransom and Uriah are only ever observers to
it, having their own story as Din does his thing.  I think that’s the essence
of who their characters are, which makes sense, since that’s essentially the
same role they played in
Travels with a Fairytale Monster,
only this
time we’re focusing on them and their drama entirely.

I do like Ransom and Uriah though. 
They’re probably the most effective “team” I’ve ever written.  I have a
tendency to write really damaged characters, but in this case, I think their
individual issues complement each other quite well.  I always like it when a
relationship is built on the characters genuinely being friends and respecting
each other, rather than relying on simple lust.  I think Ransom is right: as
individuals, they’re both failures.  But together, they’re able to do things
that neither could do separately.  I think that’s sweet.  Granted, most of the
time the things they’re trying to do are illegal (sometimes horrifying so), but
the principle remains the same.  I like their team.

Their relationship is based on an
old 1930s Vaudeville sketch I saw once, where there’s an overly excited guy
who’s all happy about their stage performance and the many wonderful things
they’re going to do, and his beautiful wife/partner, who doesn’t want to do any
of the incredible things he’s suggesting because she’s bored or tired or just
thinks his ideas are dumb.  Like, Guy: “We could do _____!?!  Wouldn’t that be
amazing!  They’ll love it!  It’s the most amazing thing they’ll ever see! 
Let’s do it, huh!?!  We’ll knock’em dead!”  Woman (shrugging disinterestedly):
“Nah.”  There’s always the sense that they *might* start the show soon or show
you one of the amazing things he’s describing, and that anxious feeling makes
the entire show hysterical for some reason.  I’ve always liked that dynamic.

I don’t really remember why Ransom’s
face is scarred.  If I recall correctly, I was designing a secondary character
for a different book whose purpose was to show what a rough kingdom it was.  I
was probably thinking of that woman in the movie
Tombstone
, who was
briefly in the film to serve a similar story purpose, when Sam Elliot pulls a
kid from in front of a horse and his mother runs out to grab him, and Sam Elliot
notices her scarred face and is inspired to take action against the bad guys. 
She’s merely a symbol of a deeper issue in his town, her scars telling both Sam
and us that this town is filled with rough men and that it’s no longer safe. 
I’ve always kinda wished she’d been in the movie more though.  I’d like to know
what her story was.  What happened to her?  So, I threw in a woman with a scarred
face in my other unfinished story, just because I thought it was a neat visual.
 I ended up sticking her in
Travels with the Fairytale Monster
instead
though, because I knew she’d make Uriah shine.  On his own, he seemed bored. 
He’s so enthusiastic about his work, but he had no one to talk to about his
excitement, and it worked better if he has a straight-man to play off of. 
Again, I liked the Vaudeville dynamic of eager extravert and sarcastic/bored
introvert.  In her original role though, she was that hero’s disapproving and usually
silent sister, who’s backstory was basically the same (well, she wasn’t a
princess, but the rest was kinda the same) and who dislikes the heroine
because...well, I hadn’t gotten that far.  Whatever her reason would have been,
she was fairly good at being mean to the heroine though.  Ransom can hate
anyone, all you have to do is put her in the scene and let her go.  But I’m
sure that heroine can find someone else to hate her.  Uriah needed Ransom more. 
“Ransom” was actually set to be the name of an entirely different character
from my Consortium of Chaos books, but I swiped it and used it here instead. 
That woman will get a different name if/when I finally introduce her.  It fit
Ransom better anyway.

My bother has a friend who was born
deaf and now he’s going blind.  And I just can’t imagine how terrifying that
must be for him.  I mean, you’re 41 years old and your life as you know it is
just going to be over.   He already has enough trouble finding people who know
how to use sign language to talk to, and now he won’t even have that.  He is
facing the rest of his life, living in a dark and utterly silent world.  But
the only time I’ve ever heard him complain about that situation is simply how
it means he won’t get to play the next MarioKart that comes out.  If I were in
his shoes, I think I’d cry myself to sleep every night, but he just buys art he
likes while he can still see it and calmly goes about his day.  Not to be one
of those “you’re such an inspiration” people, which annoys him, but I honestly
do have so much respect for that attitude.  So, I guess Ransom could owe a lot
to him, even though that wasn’t intentional on my part.  That’s also why I
tried (mostly) to stay away from the stereotypical blind character in the vein
of Daredevil or Zatoichi though, who is blind but able to use it like a
super-power.  Ransom is blind, but that makes her neither useless nor
unstoppable.  It’s just the way she is, and she deals with it and moves on as
best she can.  Her problems are generally real problems she’d have and I
thought it important to preserve both her vulnerability and strength in that
respect.

I actually really debated whether
or not to return her sight at the end of the book, but my thinking was ultimately
hers on that issue.  It seemed like I was saying there was something wrong with
her which needed to be fixed or that she wasn’t already happy.  I thought
restoring it would send the wrong message about blind culture and seem… fake
somehow.  It would undercut the entire thesis of her character and come off as
a soap opera style sweeps ratings grab moment (I love soaps, don’t get me
wrong).  And since she didn’t really seem to want her sight back all that much,
I chose to leave her as she was.  That’s just who she is as a character and the
choice she’d make if she had the opportunity.  I certainly understand if
readers are uncomfortable with what they don’t see as an entirely happy ending,
however.  I would agree that it wouldn’t be the ending I would choose for
myself (or for the book, if I’d had a choice in the matter), but Ransom seems
deliriously happy with how things turned out, so that’s good enough for me. 
Generally, I usually let characters decide for themselves what makes them the
most happy in their happily ever after, and she was most happy remaining as she
is.  But if it makes anyone happier to imagine her getting her eyesight back
moments after this book ends, feel free to do so.

I don’t think Uriah is really based
on any fairytale characters, that I recall.  And I don’t even remember why I
picked the name.  Honestly, I don’t really have a lot to say about him in the
way of behind the scenes.  He just sort of… is.  He reached the page fully
formed, ready to start making other character’s lives difficult.  Growing up,
my sister wrote a lot of different “affable scumbag” sort of characters (still
does), so I guess he’s probably drawing from them in places.  I can’t really
think of any of her characters that he’s a direct swipe of though, so I think
it’s probably more that his flamboyant pirate personality just evolved to both
balance Ransom and to be a jerk to Taylor in
Travels with a Fairytale
Monster
.

The basic elements of their story
are based very loosely on a fairytale called King Grizzlebeard, which is why
Uriah is from the Grizzwood.  (The fairytale is also sometimes known as King
Thrushbeard, but that didn’t make as interesting a place name.)  It’s
essentially the story of this guy and a spoiled princess, and they go off and
live in his shack, and he does a bunch of things designed to teach her humility
or whatever.  Then at the end, after her pride is beaten down, he reveals that
he’s not a lowly peasant, he’s the king she insulted at the beginning of the
story, and they live happily ever after.  Think
Taming of the Shrew
,
only done as a fish out of water tale, where the princess has to do farm work
and stuff.  If you’ve ever seen the classic comedy
Overboard
, it’s kind
of like that, only not nearly as good, since the original fairytale focuses on
his sometimes cruel efforts to break her spirit, while that movie focused on
them making each other better people.  But in any case, that’s neither here nor
there.  I borrowed the basic layout of the fairytale and just took it in
another direction.  And made them pirates, for some reason.  And Uriah wasn’t
revealed to be a king in disguise at the end, obviously.  Which… now that I think
about it… would have been so bizarre and out of left field that it’d be awesome. 
I should have done that, just to see Ryle flip out about it.  Damn.  Now I
totally want to do that.  It’d be
epic
.

A lot of the names and situations also
arise from the 1001 Nights tales though, like the lamp and Din (“Aladdin”
becomes “Din” because it sounded better as a name.)  I’ve always found the
stories interesting.  Not only because they’re good stories, but because
they’re the perfect weird blend of “foreign places” which I tried to use for
Adithia.  Aladdin, for instance, is not a fairytale which arose in the
Mideast.  Its earliest transcription was in French, set in China, and filled
with characters from north Africa.  The author was just trying to make the
story seem mysterious and “not here.”  Ironically, he did such a good job of
it, that no one is quite certain where “here” even was anymore, and the tale’s
actual country of origin is unknown.  That’s kind of what Adithia is as well. 
Whatever country you’re in or race you are, the Adithians aren’t.  They’re the
mysterious and exotic “other,” although what that looks like is entirely left
to the reader’s imagination and I deliberately don’t describe it in any way.  I
honestly have no idea.  Feel free to imagine my characters however you want.