Nolan's Evolution

Nolan’s Evolution

I would like to dedicate this book to my Pap
a…
George L. McCullough who passed away earlier this year. You were a man of integrity and strength. I miss you every day. Your kindness, your faith, and your smile are the gifts you gave to me. I will always cherish them.

You were a stranger to none, and a friend to man
y…
.

~Vi Et Animo

Chapter 1 Time does not bring relief

~Time does not bring relief~
Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)

              The bright moon was shining in through the window. Its light illuminated the bedroom, chasing shadows from the corners. Raina sat on the corner of her bed, staring out of that window. Her hands absentmindedly ran through her pup’s fur. Again it seemed that night was the hardest. The pull of that bright orb mesmerized her…distracted her. Oh how she needed distraction! And sleep! Sleep precious sleep that had started to become her ally. Now it taunted her. She was so weary…even if she had slept through the entire day. She fought the tired feeling now.  It was becoming a losing battle. She sighed, giving in, and crawling under her covers. Turk and Percy cuddled in as well.

              She still let her eyes wander to the window, staring at that bright moon. How far away was he? Could he be near seeing the same sight she was? Even though she could not see him, she truly hoped so! Just the thought of his common action brought comfort.

Very little was bringing her comfort lately. She felt more than a little empty. It was unlike any empty she ever felt before. It was all-encompassing. It wearied her to the bone and she wasn't sure if she'd ever really feel normal again. She had been through pain before and had dealt rather badly with it. It wasn't the same as with David though. Nothing could compare to what she felt now because of Nolan. She blamed Nolan and she blamed herself. She had given her love so freely and he had become so much more than anyone else ever had been.

              Her eye lids were heavy again. She fought a losing battle allowing them to draw closed.

Hours later she awoke to the sound of a song bird. Morning was here again…she had survived another twenty four hour day, only to have to face another. What would she do to fill today? What was there left to do? Nothing worked! It was so frustrating the not knowing. She wanted to do more than just survive the day. She wanted to live it… but that didn't look like it was going to happen. Melancholy depression whatever you want to call it… was all she felt, knowing she would not see him.

Raina flicked a tear from her cheek in frustration. Tears! Always with the tears! She was sick of them, yet they would not cease. Her pain would not cease. Her loneliness for silver grey eyes…fathomless voice…gentle touch…beautiful scent would not cease. She missed her Nolan. Yes, hers, always hers, though it had been months since the last time she had seen him.

Raina brushed another tear away. She felt ridiculous. She needed something to pull her up out of the hole. She knew she needed a change. She needed something that would pull her out of herself and allow her to consider others.

              “Time will heal you,” Emily kept saying.

              Raina scoffed at this now. Time only made it worse. Her mood grew fouler as the days went on. Sweet Raina? Not as of late. She was thankful Emily still hung around…and Thanatos! Oh poor, caring, patient Thanatos was getting the raw end of the deal. She’d not failed to lay bare her agony to him. He’d had to deal with her weeping angry words. He had done it graciously too. She did not deserve his consideration. Raina wondered why he even hung around anymore! He was faithful. He was true. He was her only connection to
him
.

              Thanatos was a changed man, now that he was free. Well, free of the she-devil. He was still bound to another immortal. Never in his wildest dreams had Thanatos ever expected this. Nolan! Of all the immortals he was bestowed to Nolan! It hurt his pride just a bit but he had gotten over it. It was his lot in life now. He had no room to complain. Nolan would always treat him fairly.

              “I’ve treated him so badly…it would serve me right if he made my life hell,” Thanatos often teased. “But Nolan…he’s the noble kind.”

              Raina would make a face at him at this.

“You know he is Raina. Too noble for his own good!” He’d then give her a grin. He never fed her lines about time and healing. He simply was…there.

Raina knew the truth. It would never be better until she could be with him. That was a true fact. She was jealous of Thanatos. Jealous of the freedom to see Nolan.  He got to see him now and then…got to hear his voice. Not that that meant much to Thanatos, but it meant a whole hell of a lot to Raina.

              Now, as Raina lay in bed, she fumed.

When her husband had passed, she had been unable to sleep. Now with Nolan gone, that’s all she did. And she wasn’t awarded with lovely dreams of being with him. They were only ugly dreams of losing him. It was not fair in the least!

              She knew she should break away from her loathing, try to see the right in this. She was hurting, yes…but Nolan had sacrificed as well. He suffered.

              “Does he suffer?” Raina whispered to no one but herself. Had he moved on? He was use to that.  He had changed so many times already…moving, working, befriending. So had he? Was that why she hadn’t seen him…not even a hint of him?

              No, that wasn't it. He still worked for Bradley and still partnered with Thanatos. So he wasn't too far away… just far enough away. She knew they often had meetings together having to do with her. Nolan had promised that he would still be watching over her, but just through the green eyed devil.

              Thanatos hid their meetings behind careful green eyes. He didn’t talk about work…and Raina didn’t ask. Knowing anything about him would just make it harder. Knowing little about his current life was hard enough.

              A fresh current of tears washed down her face, and she growled, burying her face in her pillow.

              She heard a knock at her door, and knew it was one of two people: Emily or The green eyed devil. Yes, he still earned that title now and again. He was sweeter …but he’d never lose his penchant for mischief.

              Sighing in frustration, Raina threw her legs over the side of the bed. Turk had already jumped off the bed, and was racing down the stairs; Percy was right behind him. Turk barked when another knock sounded.

              “I’m coming,” she rasped. She pulled on a pair of sweats, and straightened her wrinkled t-shirt. She finger combed her hair, grabbing a ponytail holder from her dresser. She twisted it deftly into her hair, as she stomped down the stairs.

              She threw open the door and glared into green eyes. “I was sleeping,” she growled.

              Thanatos chuckled, taking in her haphazard appearance. “Sleeping …beauty,” he said with sarcasm. “Go get dressed.”

              “I don’t want to go anywhere,” she pouted.

              Thanatos pushed his way in, and shook his head. “Don’t make me use my powers of persuasion. We are going for a walk, and that is that! Get your little bottom up those stairs. I’m not going to waste my lunch hour arguing with you.”

              "It's lunchtime?!" Her blue eyes were wide with surprise.

"Yes lunchtime, beautiful," Thanatos sighed in frustration.

"I was sure it was just morning," she whispered

"No, it’s afternoon and you've had enough sleep." He turned her about shoving her gently away from the door. "You need to get outside."

              She rolled her eyes, but moved to obey. She’d rather make her own choice, than know he had “helped” her decide. She glanced over her shoulder, seeing Turk nose at him for attention. Even the pup knew he was a changed man. She recalled the days that the dog used to constantly bark at him. Those days were long gone and they were best of friends.

              She nearly tripped over Percy on her way up.

              She threw on a pair of jeans, and a clean t-shirt, and went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and combed out her tangled hair. She even put on a bit of mascara…no use scaring the whole neighborhood!

              She shoved her feet into a pair of sneakers, hating her ugly feet…then simultaneously thinking of Nolan’s perfect appendages.

"He must have ugly feet," She remembered coffee with her friends, and Donna’s little remark about his ugly feet. That seemed like such a long time ago. Too long ago she shouldn't have abandoned her friends for so long. It was just one more thing to feel guilty about. She should make time for them. She could use the giggles they would provide. She smiled. Her mind went back to the day and the ugly foot joke. An automatic giggle rose up. Yes, time with the girls would be good.

After opening the Pandora's Box she couldn't stop thinking about the little joke. She couldn’t help herself. She ended up breaking down in giggles as they began walking down the road. She wiped a tear.

              "What?" Thanatos liked the sound of her giggles.

              "Something we girls once talked about over coffee," she admitted.

              “The girls you haven’t hung out with in forever? When is the last time you and Emily went to Bitter Sweet?”

              The name of their little coffee place had her biting her lip.

              “You can’t do it again, Raina…not like after David.”

              She looked up with sorrow filled blues.

              He felt a pang of hurt for her. She was in a state.

              She glanced away.

              “No tears, beautiful,” he whispered. “He wouldn’t want tears.”

              "Why should I care what he would want?” Raina couldn't believe how this sentence had come out like a bark. She covered her mouth and shame. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, like that." Her brow furrowed. "But really why should I care?"

He smiled. “You shouldn’t…but you do!”

“Ughh!” she growled. ”And I shouldn’t want to see him, or hear him," Raina whispered. “But I do.” She shouldn’t wander into Nolan territory with Thanatos.  It would only bring her pain later. But what a sweet pain it could be! She swallowed and peaked up at him.

She had insisted she did not need to bring him up for fear of memories. Thanatos had readily agreed. She was sure that he figured she would break down eventually. And here she was, about to breakdown.

“Maybe…you could tell me how he is?”

Thanatos rolled his eyes. He shook his head at her and chuckled. “I thought we had agreed?”

“I changed my mind,” she sniffed.

He raised a brow. “Changed your mind? So, you’ve decided you want to be more miserable than you are right now?”

She chewed on her lip again and nodded.

              Thanatos shrugged. "I can't help you there Raina. You see, I didn't just make an agreement with you. I made an agreement with Nolan as well. Now I'm in the middle and for me to break my promise to you I would have to break my promise to him. And I'm not sure if I want to open the can of worms." He shrugged his shoulders. "I just can't help you there, beautiful."

              She pouted.

              He chuckled. "I could, and then I'd get my ass kicked by Nolan. Uh, no, thank you."

              Her lip jutted out.

His green eyes met hers. “He wants to make it easier for you. Just as he finds it easier to not hear about you!”

              She felt Turk tug on his leash. They would be nearing the school. He loved children.

              “I thought you felt it was easier to just not know.” Thanatos stole the leash, knowing Raina would be drug away if Turk chose to run for the kids. She barely weighed a thing now, having lost so much weight.