NORMAL (39 page)

But right now with Cam, I feel like I'm the one who's desperate. Desperate to feel his mouth on mine, to inhale his breath. Desperate for this connection, to figure out what it is I'm feeling. Desperate for... more, just
more
.
More Cam.

He pulls away abruptly, and immediately looks away from me. I am practically gasping, not having made breathing my first priority for the last couple minutes. Cam rakes his hand through his hair. He's freaking out.

Crap
.
Did I do something really bad?

I really hope I didn't just screw with our friendship. But I can't even focus on his reaction right now, I'm still reeling from my own.

God
, that felt amazing. Never have I ever experienced this feeling.
Desire
. I feel alive, and needy - emotionally and physically. Heat has pooled in my lower belly, and I want to be touched by Cam in a way I never felt with Robin. Ever.

"I'm so sorry, Ror. I...
fuck
. I get you're feelin' down, but I can't be your rebound. We're too important, you and me," he says, gesturing between the two of us, but I'm only half listening to him, I'm still battling with my own thoughts.
All of Robin's accusations about Cam wanting me, and my steadfast denial...

"My God," I murmur to myself, "Robin had it backwards." Vaguely I am aware that I'm talking out loud, but I'm still too thrown off guard from that kiss to do anything but blurt.

I always do this when I'm freaking out about something - ramble without a filter - and I've done it to Cam a thousand times, but I never had anything to hide from Cam, it was never
about
him. I stare down at my lap, my mind moving at rapid fire speed.

"Ror-"

"He always said that you want
me
, but,
Jesus
, it's the other way around!" Maybe Robin wasn't just paranoid after all. Maybe there was something to his charges, only Cam's not the guilty party,
I am.

"Rory- Wait... what are you saying?" Cam asks carefully.

I rally and pull myself the hell together. I have to fix this. This is
Cam
.

"I'm sorry, Cam. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that-"

"
You
shouldn't have done that?" His eyes are wide with astonishment and he lets out a short laugh. "You
didn't
do that, Rory girl.
I
did that. And what do you mean
it's the other way around?
I take advantage of you when you're vulnerable, the day after you break up with your boyfriend, and you
still
believe I don't want you?" he shakes his head and chokes back another laugh, his eyes settling meaningfully on mine.

I'm stunned, but he's now staring at me in a way that makes it impossible to process words.

The way he's looking at me has the room feeling about ten degrees warmer. I feel desperate again. I want him. It's no longer deniable. His eyes devour me. His look - it's hungry, but not predatory. Robin never looked at me like this. He had his own look, sure, but it never made me so perfectly desirable, at least not without the fear.

"How many times do I have to tell you how beautiful you are? How any man would be lucky to have you? How you're the kinda girl to marry?
Jesus
, Ror, I even told you I couldn't even give you a little kiss without gettin' hard." It's like he's in disbelief that I could actually doubt that he wanted me.

My eyes involuntarily dart to his lap and confirm his desire. His gaze doesn't waver from my eyes, though he couldn't have missed my checking him out. Somehow, I feel no embarrassment.

And he's right, too. He has made it clear that he finds me attractive, but for some reason I never really heard him. I've heard him say I was
attractive
, not that he was
attracted to
me, and for some reason, it makes a monumental difference. But, in retrospect, I realize he has been pretty up front about it.

I try and force myself to sober. He's a seventeen year old boy who thinks I'm "hot". His word. He's used it to describe me many times in recent years.

"Yeah, I get it. You think I'm pretty. You find me attractive. You've said." I blow it off because it isn't enough right now.

Though I do love hearing it from him. That he wants me. That he thinks I'm pretty, attractive... in fact, I realize I've always loved hearing it from him. I've always gone to him for reassurance, and he's always given it to me, even right before my first date with Robin - a guy he didn't trust. But the fact is, I've never sought it out from anyone else. Not even Robin, not even before things got bad. I understand now that It wasn't the reassurance I needed, it was hearing these things from Cam's lips. Even when Robin said the same pretty things Cam says, it never satisfied me the same way.

Why it took me until now to realize, I can't imagine. But it isn't enough.

My heart is so full it might explode, my stomach is doing flip flops.

I have freaking feelings for my best friend, and
my God
, I
want
him. And although hearing he wants me too is a heady thing, Cam's right. He can't be a rebound, he's too important. And being intimate with him without having my feelings returned would break my heart in a way that would be far more painful than any hurt Robin Forbes has ever caused me.

"Yep. I do. I think you're real pretty, Ror, I find you real attractive," he drawls, his voice a low rumble. He places his index finger under my chin and turns it so I face him. Cam's eyes suddenly fill with emotion in a way that is extraordinarily rare for him, and my heartbeat speeds up exponentially. "And I've also loved you since I was three years old, and have been
in
love with you at
least
since I was twelve."

My jaw goes slack and my heart stops beating.

Cam's in love with me?

If there's anything left to say, I don't give it a chance to be said. I lean in and cover the relatively small space between us. I press my hand to his chest, and my lips softly to the corner of his mouth. He watches me warily, his breathing noticeably shallow. But I don't pull back far, or for long. I close my lips over his, and after no more than one more second, Cam takes over. He sucks my lower lip and then coaxes my mouth open and slips in his tongue.

He groans, and like his laughter, the sound does something magical to me. But this sound doesn't relax me like his laugh does, no, this sound excites me.

I deepen the kiss, wanting to taste his mouth completely, wanting to explore this part of this man that is unknown. There's so little about my best friend that is mysterious to me, but there are a few major things, things I'm now desperate to know about. And the sweet taste of his mouth is one of them.

My hands slide up his firm chest and I allow my thumbs to trace the lines of its muscles before slipping them around the back of his neck to grasp the thick locks at his nape.

His arms reciprocate, completing our embrace by sliding around to my back and pulling me even closer, our mouths working all the while. I do him one better, I move my right leg over his lap and straddle him. I moan when I feel his erection through his jeans. When I'd feel Robin's it just made my stomach drop in fear - knowing he was close to losing control. But with Cam, a part of me
wants
him to lose control. I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would never, ever hurt me.

Our tongues stroke one another and our lips mash together like they've always known they were meant to be kissing and they've only just been waiting for Cam and me to catch up.

Now it's me who's losing control.

With one last tug of his hair, I slide my hands back down his chest, still fascinated by its lines of muscle and sinew, and around to his back, which provides me with a whole new world of lines to explore. I rock my body against him in rhythm with our mouths completely involuntarily. I can feel the rapid rise and fall of Cam's chest against mine. His breathing is heavy, it matches my own.

Clutching his back tightly, I pull at him and he immediately responds, rolling with me until I'm on my back with him on top of me, my legs wrapping around his waist as if the position couldn't be more natural for us. Our mouths never disconnect, and I moan again at the friction as our hips rock gently together.

"My sweet Rory," Cam breathes against my mouth.

Yes
.
His
.
I've always been his
, I realize.

Cam groans again and though the same friction that is making me crazy with want also aggravates my cut, I don't want to stop. But the stinging that leads from my hip down to the top of my thigh reminds me of what happened just yesterday. What's happened again and again. I feel such debilitating shame. I'm not the girl Cam thinks I am. I may be his, but I'm not anyone's
Sweet Rory
, not anymore.

Cam's mouth leaves mine suddenly, and I mourn the loss. He's panting, his features strained with self-control as he reaches around with both hands and pulls my ankles from their locked position at the small of his back. He rolls off of me until he rests on his elbow beside me, looking down at me.

I try in vain to catch my breath. I still want more.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Ror," Cam whispers. This surprises me.
What in the world is he apologizing for?

"Don't be. I... I want you, Cam," I breathe.  

He closes his eyes, as if savoring my words, and smiles. He touches his nose to mine, nuzzling me adoringly. "
God
, you're beautiful. You have no idea how bad I want you, Rory girl. I've wanted you for as long as I can even remember, but right now, we should talk. And kiss," he amends, brushing his lips briefly to mine with a contented smile.  

I furrow my brow, perplexed as to why, if he wants me like he says, he just wants to talk. And kiss. He obviously sees my confusion.  

"I ain't gonna move fast - not with you. I've waited my whole life, Ror, I can wait a while longer. As bad as I want you right now, I ain't gonna do that the same night we finally kissed for the first time," he explains.

I flood with shame.  

Cam still thinks I'm his sweet little Rory girl. But that's not me anymore, Robin made damn sure of that. And so did I, when I kept going back for more. I look away. I can't bear to see Cam staring at me like I'm some priceless jewel when really I'm no different than the rest of the sluts he hooks up with.

"I'm not as innocent as you think, Cam," I murmur. I risk a peek back at him and know my words have bothered him when his eyes narrow.

"Hey," he says to get my attention.

I stare at the ceiling and focus on forcing my eyes to remain dry. It doesn't work. I hate Robin Forbes. In this moment I hate him more than I've ever hated him - ever hated
anyone
- for stealing this part of me. My tears are angry ones.

"Hey,"
Cam says again before tenderly stroking my face and turning it toward him until our eyes lock. He lets out a deep exhale. "You think because you gave it up to Forbes you're some kinda ruined woman or somethin'?" he asks softly. He's trying to absolve me of sleeping with Robin. And I just can't hold my pain at bay a moment longer.

"I didn't! I didn't give it to him, Cam, damn it! He just took it!" I sound like a madwoman. I know this. I sit up and bury my face in my knees, wrapping my arms around the top of my head. I am hysterical. I don't know if it's my desperation for Cam to know I didn't betray him - though I know it makes no sense since Robin was my boyfriend and Cam my friend - but it's the way it feels. "I said no! I begged him to stop!" My words are a shaky sob, and I don't even know if Cam can understand them, I just know I need to get them out.

I sob into my knees. My tears overflow, drenching my sweatpants, and I can't stop them now. My shoulders heave, and I realize I'm trembling.

"Rory." Cam's voice is frighteningly low and painstakingly calm, but my very unladylike sobs continue with no sign of slowing. "Rory, I need you to look at me."

I shake my head, still hidden by my protective position. He reaches for me, but as soon as I feel his touch, I flinch. I don't know why I flinch, I know Cam isn't Robin, I know he could never hurt me, but I do - I
flinch
, and Cam retracts his hand immediately.

I become aware of audible breathing and realize Cam isn't as calm as I thought.

"Please, Rory,"
he begs, and it's a desperate plea I can't deny.

I turn my head just enough to meet his gaze, and I forcibly quell my sobs into defeated weeping.

"You sayin' he forced himself on you?" Cam asks carefully.

I don't say anything. I don't need to answer him with words. The despair on my face, I'm sure, is all the answer he needs.

Cam closes his eyes and his hands fist at his sides.

He inhales a calculated breath and opens his eyes again. They are distraught.