Northern Girl (29 page)

Nicole’s wide grin as she entered the patisserie lifted her spirits instantly.

‘Sit down, Madeleine, I will get us a coffee,’ she said, as Madeleine went to their old table in the corner.

Nicole came back to the table with not only the coffee but two half-baguettes with slices of ham on the side, and Madeleine, suddenly ravenous and unable to wait, had already torn her baguette down the middle and stuffed the ham into it by the time Nicole returned carrying the promised gateau.

About to put the baguette into her mouth, she glanced at Nicole, who was watching her curiously. Madeleine apologized, ‘Sorry, Nicole, but I’m so hungry.’

‘It’s OK, Madeleine,’ Nicole said, looking concerned. ‘Didn’t you have any breakfast this morning?’

‘Only a slice of bread,’ Madeleine answered, biting into her baguette and chewing with gusto.

Nicole filled her own baguette with ham, and, eating quietly, wondered whether this would be a good time to tell Madeleine her news. But she was stopped by Madeleine’s sudden sob.

‘Nicole, I am so scared, I don’t know what to do,’ Madeleine said.

‘You can take your time, you know,’ Nicole said soothingly. ‘You don’t have to make any decisions until you are ready. Look, Madeleine.’ She took hold of her
hand. ‘If you decide to take a different course about … you know … the baby,’ she whispered, ‘you can stay with us as long as you want.’

Madeleine looked questioningly at Nicole.

Nicole smiled. ‘Oh, you don’t need to worry about Maman,’ she said. ‘I’ve cleared it with her.’

Madeleine sniffed and blew her nose. ‘But your Maman is going to—’

‘Maman has been in to see me already this morning.’

‘Oh?’ Madeleine looked at her in surprise.

‘Look, stay calm, Madeleine, but she has found someone who can help you. That is, well, if you still feel the same about …’ She stopped and looked around at the three old biddies sitting across from them, before whispering, ‘… going ahead with—’ Nicole hesitated.

‘Getting rid of the baby,’ Madeleine finished for her. Then she added, ‘It’s against everything I believe in, against my religion, against all that my parents and family have ever believed, and the thought of it terrifies me, but what choice do I have?’

Nicole looked at her friend and felt terrible. Because what she hadn’t told Madeleine yet was that when her mother had called by earlier, it had been to let her know that not only had she had found someone willing to help, but had made an appointment for Madeleine to meet them at three o’clock the following afternoon. When Ginette told Nicole the appointment was with Madame Cutto, she’d looked at her mother in disbelief.

‘But, Maman, we
can’t
send her there, she is
horrible
!’

‘I know everyone calls her Madame Cutto, but that
doesn’t mean she actually uses a
knife
!’ Ginette went on to explain briefly that, because no one had ever known Madame Cutto’s real name, girls in trouble during the war had started calling her that, because it sounded like
couteau
– and it had stuck. ‘That’s
all
it is, a nickname,’ Ginette said. Then she’d added, ‘She’s helped lots of young girls out, you know.’

‘But at what cost!’ Nicole had exclaimed. ‘Some of them died, and others caught terrible infections and could never have babies again.’

‘Yes, well, those are the risks of abortion. Everyone knows that. Look, Nicole, no one is forcing Madeleine, and I don’t know anyone else who’ll do it. They’ve all vanished into the woodwork since vigilantes started cleaning our streets of “collaborators”. Those lunatics think the only girls who had abortions were the ones who slept with Germans. Anyway, if Madeleine decides to do it, I suggest you go with her.’ She’d handed Nicole the address, and with a quick peck on each cheek, left.

Madeleine broke the silence. ‘When?’ she asked listlessly.

‘Three o’clock,’ Nicole answered.

‘What day?’

‘Tomorrow.’

‘
Tomorrow!
’ Madeleine exclaimed in horror.

‘Look, I will come with you. And if you don’t like it we will leave. OK?’

Madeleine looked down at the uneaten portion of gateau that Nicole had placed in front of her, and pushed the plate away. ‘Sorry, Nicole, I can’t eat now.’

‘Me neither,’ said Nicole, putting her fork down.

Suddenly feeling queasy, Madeleine jumped up from her chair and, clutching her stomach, ran for the toilet. A second longer and she wouldn’t have made it in time.

Nicole, following closely behind, rushed to Madeleine’s side and held her hair back while she retched. When Madeleine finally lifted her swollen, tear-soaked face, Nicole felt her heart would break. To stop herself crying too, she made a big deal of rummaging around in the sleeve of her cardigan, and eventually pulled out a crumpled handkerchief that Madeleine accepted gratefully, before blowing her nose.

She made such a loud noise that under normal circumstances they would have been in fits of giggles about it. Madeleine, aware of this, smiled through her tears. Nicole smiled back and held her close. ‘It will be all right, Madeleine. You’ll see,’ she said.

Squeezing Nicole’s hand in response, Madeleine said, ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thank you so much for taking me into your home.’

‘About Maman—’ Nicole suddenly felt the need to explain.

‘I like your maman. There’s no need to explain anything,’ Madeleine said.

‘Well, now that I can speak freely about our life, I just want you to know that although Maman does … that … she is not without principles.’

‘I know,’ Madeleine said gently, still wiping away her tears.

‘Please,’ Nicole implored, gripping Madeleine’s arm, ‘I really want you to listen to this.’

‘Of course I will.’ Madeleine ran the tap so she could wash her face.

‘Come through when you’re ready,’ Nicole told her, ‘and I’ll tell you.’

Madeleine nodded, then splashed water over her face while Nicole made her way back into the café, walking past the three old biddies, who were sitting there curiously, waiting to see what happened next. One of them whispered, ‘Another little whore in trouble!’

‘Is there anything else you need before you leave?’ Nicole said, staring hard at them and opening the door of the
boulangerie
. They tutted and muttered as they got up from their seats and walked out.

With a shrug of her shoulders Nicole sat down and glanced at Céline, her assistant, who had just appeared behind the counter. Nicole smiled at her, appreciating the way she’d arrived so promptly to take over. Céline nodded back, then began wiping down the glass display case containing bread and sandwiches.

As Madeleine emerged from the toilets, Céline glanced over and asked, ‘Would you like another coffee?’

Madeleine smiled and shook her head.

Nicole asked, ‘Are you feeling better?’

Madeleine nodded briefly and said, ‘What did you want to tell me?’

‘Well,’ Nicole began, ‘as you know, the occupation seemed to last for ever.’

Madeleine didn’t need to answer. It was obvious from her expression that she and her family had suffered in the occupation, too.

‘Anyway,’ Nicole continued, ‘at first everyone said they’d spit in the Germans’ faces. But when it came down to it, very few did. Anyone who defied them was taken away and tortured or killed, and soon almost everyone else was ready to do whatever they said, just to survive. But I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that.’ She smiled. ‘Unfortunately the Germans were convinced that the French were immoral and decadent. Even officers thought they could do what they liked, especially with women. And, as you know, food, heating and clothing were in short supply. We were eating all kinds of rubbish, and it wasn’t long before ordinary decent women – usually housewives and mothers whose husbands were away fighting or locked up as prisoners of war – were prostituting themselves just to eat. Well … not all of them did it to survive. Some actually
liked
the Germans, and they were treated well. They had plenty to eat, and beautiful clothes, and went to the cinema, and nightclubs and dances. Needless to say, there were many pregnancies, which in turn led to countless abortionists setting up in business. Some of these had no experience at all, and just saw it as a way of making money out of others’ misfortune. And of course, sexual diseases were rife. In fact, one of the few good things the Germans did was to introduce compulsory medical check-ups. But Maman and her girls had always done that anyway …’

Nicole suddenly stopped talking, causing Madeleine to ask, ‘Are you OK?’

‘Yes … yes,’ she said, as if shaking off an unpleasant memory.

‘Even girls my age formed liaisons with the Germans,’ she continued, then added wryly. ‘They preferred younger women, you know.’

‘Yes, I do know that,’ said Madeleine quietly.

‘Oh, Madeleine, you have your secrets, too! You must tell me.’

‘I will, but not today.’ She squeezed Nicole’s hand and implored, ‘Please go on.’

‘The reason I’m telling you all this is because never once in all those difficult times did Maman resort to fraternizing with the Germans, and I am so proud of her for that. But they kept coming to our door, and when Maman refused to let them in … well, one day they dragged her outside and beat her.’

‘
Mon Dieu!
’ Madeleine whispered, horrified.

Nicole continued, ‘I nursed her with the help of the girls who worked for her at the time. It took a long time for her to recover, and once she was well enough … well, that was when the girls left. They were far too afraid to stay after that, and who could blame them?’

Madeleine sat there, stunned, feeling huge admiration for Ginette. Then she leaned towards Nicole. ‘I’m so honoured you felt able to tell me all this.’

‘One good thing now, is that I think that I’ve convinced Maman not to do that work any more. She has managed to save quite a bit from her earnings, and
I’m quite capable of earning enough to support us. I only took a job here at the
boulangerie
to be close to her. I’ll probably leave soon and look for something better,’ she added this last in a whisper, so Céline couldn’t hear.

‘Maybe it’s all turned out for the best, then?’ Madeleine said.

‘I hope so. But right now we have more pressing things to think about. Are you going to keep that appointment?’

‘Yes.’

Nicole was astonished. ‘Really?’

‘I’m going to see Madame Cutto first, and then I’ll make my decision,’ Madeleine said, speaking very fast, as if afraid she’d change her mind. Surprised to see the uncertainty on Nicole’s face she added, ‘It can’t do any harm just to meet her … can it?’

Without answering the question, Nicole said, ‘I’ll be with you, anyway.’

Madeleine glanced at her gratefully.

Madame Cutto lived in a dilapidated end-of-terrace house near the docks. The whole area had been heavily bombed, and they had to scramble over rubble to get to her front door.

The door was answered by a thin, small-boned woman, her hair pulled tightly back from a sharp face.
She wore a plain black dress that looked faintly greasy. She studied them both thoughtfully before leading them through a narrow hallway, and across a well-worn linoleum floor to a back room. It felt unusually cold in there, even though it was a mild and sunny day outside. The room smelled odd, of damp and mustiness covering something disagreeable and faintly feral. But then it was very dirty. Flies buzzed round it, the net curtains were brown and torn, and there were unwashed dishes in a sink at the back. A wooden box stood next to a dusty table, and the only redeeming feature of the place, as far as Nicole was concerned, were the framed photographs nailed to the walls. They showed groups of very solemn, formally dressed people, and Nicole assumed that they must be Madame Cutto’s family, and felt reassured. It made the woman seem less chilly, and more human.

‘So this is the girl who needs my help?’ Madame Cutto asked. She smiled slightly, showing small, grey teeth.

Concerned that Madeleine still hadn’t said anything, Nicole glanced at her. She was standing with her arms by her sides, gazing at the box.

‘Yes,’ Nicole said.

Madame Cutto nodded. She picked up the box and set it on the table. Then she swilled out one of the dishes in the sink and slowly filled it with water from the tap. Then she shook powder into it from a grimy packet.

‘And it is eight, nine weeks?’ she said, her back turned to them.

‘That’s right,’ Nicole said, since Madeleine didn’t answer.

‘And you have two hundred francs for me, yes?’ Madame Cutto turned round. She set the bowl carefully on the table and rolled up her sleeves.

Nicole noticed that Madeleine was still staring at the box. When Madame Cutto had put it on the table the lid had moved, and something had flopped out of one corner: a length of red rubber tubing, with a bulbous, grimy contraption on the end. Before Nicole could answer Madame Cutto, Madeleine had bolted from the room and down the hallway. She was halfway down the street before Nicole caught up with her.

‘I can’t, I can’t bear it,’ Madeleine burst out, her hands curled into fists. ‘She was going to do it there and then Nicole!’

‘OK! It’s OK! No one is forcing you.’ Gently she took Madeleine’s arm. ‘Come on, let’s go home.’

They walked in silence, and had nearly reached the flat when they were approached by two very large, dishevelled-looking women. One of them spat repeatedly on the pavement in front of Nicole, and the other looked her up and down in disdain and yelled the vilest obscenities Madeleine had ever heard.

When they’d gone Madeleine, trembling, asked Nicole, ‘What was all that about?’

‘Oh, ignore it,’ Nicole answered, seemingly unconcerned. ‘You have too many worries of your own to think about right now.’

Ginette opened the door of the apartment for them. ‘Maman, what are you doing home so early?’ Nicole asked.

‘Is it done? The appointment, I mean,’ Ginette asked.

‘No, Madam Cutto was preparing to do it straight away!’ Nicole answered.

Madeleine rushed to explain. ‘I’m so sorry, Ginette, I just didn’t realize—’