Northern Spirit (27 page)

Linzi had assumed like all the others that Hannah knew about her
father, and as she’d never met him, would give her no cause to take sides.
Hannah appeared to have no particular connections with her mother or David and
she’d shown compassion over the
Joanne Milton
incident. So, taking hours
in the writing and using pages and pages of notepaper, Linzi scrawled away and
poured out her very heart and begged Hannah to keep silent.

While Linzi was secretly visiting her father, David was visiting Tony,
as he’d promised. After finishing work each night, he rushed his tea, washed
and changed ready to go to the hospital. He didn’t care if he were tired or
not.

Tony’s health improved steadily at first then, as the doctors
suspected, he deteriorated, as his cough turned into double pneumonia and he
became weak and poorly. But his life was not in danger, and he slowly responded
to treatment.

Tony wasn’t in any hurry to leave the hospital. Initially he’d been too
ill to resist and being severely weakened, slept long and hard, but in his
waking moments, he enjoyed the attention he was given. He learned all the
nurses names, and he knew who was on duty and when; especially those he
particularly liked. He memorised all their rankings by the shade and colour of
their uniform: the lilacs, the stripes, the greens and the dreaded navy blues.
He knew those who were soon to take their exams, and those who’d just passed;
those who were in charge and those who only thought they were. But it was Kelly
who kept most of his attention and she gave hers to him; the young
blonde-haired nurse who he’d first set eyes on, when waking in the hospital.
Kelly was an attractive girl, but it was pure emotion on his part that turned
her into an angel.

Although David had visited regularly, some of the nurses were still
suspicious of him. To them he was a sullen young man with stunning eyes and,
unbeknown to David, some had nick-named him
Heathcliff
. There was also
gossip amongst them about David’s role in the battered condition of Tony’s
sister.

Tony had never spoken to any of the staff about why they were out on
the hills that night, in that he was loyal to his sister and David. And at
times, when he became weak and tired, when his lungs ached with every breath he
made, and his cough felt like it ripped his gullet, he did wonder himself what
it had all been about.

Tony’s father was satisfied with his son’s improvement and returned to
Scotland; partly for business reasons, but also in an attempt to keep a
watchful eye on Joanne, whose poor mental condition worried him more than his
son’s physical one. Joanne was settled in at his sister’s house in Aberdeen
where she would stay until she was well.

The relationship between David and Tony had also suffered. At first,
Tony was pleased to see his friend, although too weak and tired to communicate
much. But, as time passed and he became stronger and more alert, he showed no
desire to encourage David’s visits. At first David put this down to Tony’s
illness but after one particular evening when David interrupted Tony and Kelly
enjoying a bit of horseplay, he could see he was no longer required. Tony had
obviously been flirting with Kelly as he was just taking his hand from her
waist when David came into the room. Kelly was embarrassed when she saw David
standing at the door and left, but Tony was annoyed.

David apologised, then tried to talk to Tony and admit his mistake
about Joanne but, as usual, his words were not particularly well-chosen and he
made a bungled confession, which Tony found unacceptable.

Tony knew Joanne had overreacted but she was still his sister. David
should have listened to him weeks earlier and apologised to Joanne face to
face, and told her the truth about his feelings.

Quietly closing the door, David looked around. ‘I’m going to ask Joanne
to marry me, if she’s still in the same mind.’

‘What?’

‘You heard, Tony. Don’t make this any harder than it is.’ David
wandered across to the window and looked out into the night sky.

‘I could understand if you . . .’ Tony stopped and waited as there were
footsteps passing the door. ‘If - if you loved her, but I doubt you do,’ he put
the television on and fell onto his bed, then looked smugly at David waiting
for more.

‘I can love her.’ David spun around.

It was hard to talk this way about love to his friend and the
television served as the distraction it was meant to, as neither man looked the
other in the eye.

‘I once promised myself I’d never marry and leave Keld Head but I
reckon with Jo, I can still at least keep part of that promise.’

The cat food advert now showing wasn’t conducive to the emotion of the
conversation, but the television was left on to be the mediator.

‘You’re a fool, Dave. You’re playing into her hand.’

‘I know, I know . . . but what else can I do?’

David had reasoned that he and Joanne could survive on the kind of
affection he had for her, and if in some way he could make amends, then so be
it. He couldn’t live the rest of his life with the troubled conscience he had.
And David did love Joanne, but not in a romantic sense, his love was born out
of duty, the type that a man may have for a friend or relative, not the kind of
love that should be between a man and woman. David knew that a type of love
could exist between them, but as soon as it was fulfilled it would go, until
next time. The love that was lacking was the type David couldn’t understand,
and the kind he’d never known.

The reaction David received wasn’t unexpected, but he hoped Tony would
see this as a compensatory gesture and that he was trying to put things right
and do his best for Joanne. And Tony’s reaction was similar to his mother’s:
not quite as strongly opposed, but blunt and to the point.

‘You must do what you think’s right. But remember, Jo’s infatuated with
you, that’s all, and it will pass. She’s still young and inexperienced and
maybe she’ll cool off if you marry her. It’s only because you’re not giving it
back, that she wants it. You love more when love is forbidden.’

And so the relationship between the two men continued to be estranged
and David’s future intentions were still not certain.

*       
*        *

One evening while David was mechanically working and feeding up the
cattle, he had the idea to invite Hannah to the hospital with him. Tony had
spoken of her several times and said how much he liked her for her spunky
attitude. He was nervous of making the phone call to ask her, but felt she
would be a pleasant diversion for him. She’d shown compassion and had acted with
genuine kindness, in giving up her time to help him home from the hospital.

David’s decision was made harder because his feelings for Hannah had
also changed, although he hadn’t seen her since the day she drove him home from
hospital. The thought of her friendship and the possibility of some reckless
flirting with her would lighten his mood; he thought he could have some
harmless fun and hope she may respond in some way. David certainly hadn’t
learnt by his mistakes, and his need for constant adoration, as Linzi had
rightly implied, now showed at its ugliest. He was being a fool, forgetting the
harm he’d caused by his meaningless kiss with Joanne and was now bent on a
selfish course to win back some approval.

Driven on by anticipation, David pressed forward with his plan and rang
Hannah’s number. He chatted politely to Eleanor for several minutes, tapping
his fingers nervously on the telephone table. She asked him to wait as she
shouted upstairs to the flat for Hannah. Eleanor smiled and raised one eyebrow
at Barry, when she told him who it was on the phone.

The gentle conversation with Eleanor relaxed David, but Hannah was a
long time coming to the phone and the waiting made him nervous. Consequently,
when the invitation was made, it was done in such an abrupt and disjointed
manner, and was exactly the opposite of how he wanted it.

‘I’m sorry, David, but I’m … er… going to a lecture tonight.’

David was disappointed and thought the excuse she gave was a lame one.
He felt slighted and wished he’d never called. So, on a cold wet night, he made
the long journey to the hospital alone.

Driving carelessly through the darkness and with the windscreen wipers’
regular beat the only noise to comfort him, David approached Kendal, pulled in
to a lay-by and stopped to think. He wondered if he should turn back, thinking
Tony wouldn’t want to see him either. He would have to spend the whole of the
visiting hour struggling for words, hoping someone else would come to help with
the conversation. But Hannah’s refusal had irritated him the most. Her
rejection of him cut him deeply and, as much as he tried, he couldn’t get her
out of his mind and he began to feel just as Tony had said:
You love more
when love is forbidden.

David slid down in his seat in the darkness, rested his head back and
shut his eyes. He was aware of the volume of traffic passing by, as car
headlights penetrated and flickered through his closed eyelids. Gusts of wind
blew at the car, rocking it gently from side to side. With the engine switched
off, the car soon felt cold, so David folded his arms together and huddled them
close to himself.

He didn’t believe he’d ever felt so unhappy. Yet he was safe, all the
danger he’d been through had passed and he’d survived. The anxiety of living
with his father and his constant taunts had been dreadful, and now as he
silently contemplated his present situation, he felt this was probably the
lowest point of his life.

He had lost everyone: his father hated him; his mother had said he was
a fool; Tony had rightly turned his back on him; and now even Hannah had
rejected him. The only person he could think of who would love him right now
was hundreds of miles away in Aberdeen, and that was Joanne. He even considered
that for one ounce of love he would turn the car northwards and drive on
through the night to Scotland. It would be so easy, he was near the motorway, a
few more hours and he would be there. Then she would throw her arms around him
and squeal with delight at seeing him. She would hug him and kiss him; love him
and welcome him and feed his starving ego.

David knew his mother had been watching him for days; so concerned at
what he might do. He guessed she would be relieved that Joanne had been taken
to Aberdeen, out of his way and, initially, he had felt the same. It had given
him time to reflect, but his reflections were not balanced and his wayward idea
to meet Hannah had further confused an already unstable mind. He didn’t care
how devastated his mother would feel, if only she knew how close he was to
leaving.

He’d barely spoken to her since the night on the fells and a melancholy
silence had returned to Keld Head. The only conversation they’d had was when he
told her the reason for Tom’s bullying, and he’d done this in such a
matter-of-fact way that he had hardly told the true story about the
name-calling. The seriousness of the situation had also diminished with the
selfish yearnings of his own life.

David was startled by the sudden noise of a vehicle pulling into the
lay-by behind him. The headlights shone brightly in his rear-view mirror. Not
wanting to be spotted, he started up the engine and sped away, the wheels
spinning on the wet gravel, flinging it up into the air as he drove on to his
original destination. The danger had passed, the moment in his life that could
have changed the future. But David’s future was still on course.

He arrived at the hospital and found Tony’s bed empty, then David heard
laughter coming from the dayroom. Several nurses were with Tony. He was still
dressed in his striped pyjamas and standing on a small table, singing loudly
and performing a private cabaret; Frank Sinatra.

‘. . .
And so
. . .
I did it my way
.’

David stood and watched but didn’t have the spirit to intrude, so he
eased down on to a chair by the door. But his presence broke up the party and
the nurses quickly dispersed. Completely alone with Tony, David was the first
to speak: ‘You’re obviously feeling better then?’

Tony jumped down off the makeshift stage and went across to a coffee
table and picked up some books and flicked through their pages. ‘What have you
done to my audience?’ he asked. ‘You’re about as popular as a dead rat!’ And
turning his back on David, still humming the melody, he took the books across
to a bookcase.

David continued, ‘You’ve made a few more friends then?’

‘Yes, and it’s more than you’ve done, Turnip Head! You’ve driven them
all away!’

‘Well, that’s the story of my life isn’t it?’ And he stood up to leave;
he couldn’t take any more abuse. He’d done his duty and was no longer required.
As David stood and turned for the door, Tony said. ‘They say I can go home
tomorrow.’

David stopped and leant on the partly opened door as Tony continued to
speak. ‘Could you come and collect me then?’

‘Depends what time; I can sort something if you want me to. How will you
manage at home alone?’

‘I’m not staying at home. . . . I’ve decided to go to London. I only
need to sort a few things out, and I’ll catch the overnight sleeper and leave
at the weekend.’

‘Are you well enough to travel?’ David turned to Tony who was now sitting
by the window, looking out into the night sky watching an ambulance scream in.

‘I’m going stagnant here. . . . I’ve had plenty of time to think. If I
don’t go now, I never will.’

‘What will your Dad say?’

‘Who cares . . . ?’ With that, Tony picked up a tangerine from a bowl,
tossed it in the air and then started to peel it.

‘Where will you stay?’

‘Remember my cousin, Pete Milton? He’s just come back from South
Africa. He has a plush flat in Knightsbridge and a good job in advertising. He
said he could put me up until I find somewhere myself. He may have some
contacts. I’ll try and sell a few of my songs.’