Not Everything Brainless is Dead (15 page)

Captain Rescue grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “That poor little bird had its skull crushed and this is how you react? You are evil!”

She shoved him away. “Yeah, so? I didn’t really think that was up for discussion.”

He looked away from the super villain and hung his head in mourning.

Charlie stared into the pink abyss. “That’s not even the real concern. What happens when we go in there? Will Freight end up crushing all of our skulls?”

“LET’S FIND OUT,” Freight
possibly
joked.

He grabbed the collar of a nameless lackey and tossed him into the fog. In a panic, the lackey closed his eyes and tried not to breathe as he sprinted for clean air. Freight, and the very stern Courtney, vetoed his motion. The lackey held his breath for as long as he could, and then finally exhaled, gasping for breath. They anxiously awaited a horrific transformation, but nothing happened. No, the aura didn’t turn people into evil pink versions of themselves as exciting as that would be. Humans were evil enough already (or an equally philosophical statement). Either that, or the strange pink cloud was not powerful enough to transform something as complicated as a human. The group waited a few moments to make sure the lackey stayed his natural color, and then stepped through. Aside from reduced visibility and light-headedness, the heroes seemed like themselves, for better or worse. 

Now, inside this pink fog, everyone stood at the ready, half expecting a hoard of angry pink critters to come out and overwhelm them. When that failed to occur, they breathed a sigh of relief in unison. An army of pink wildlife was a threat far more intimidating than any zombie could ever be. No ankle would be safe. Unless, the pink T-Rex commanded this army, in which case nothing, not even ankles, would be safe.

After swimming a ways through the haze, the laboratory rose from the horizon—a fortress in the most literal of senses. The foreboding structure rose high into air, its pink aura of pure evil shrouding its heights from view. As the heroes digested the foreboding structure, they could not help but to imagine that it had been plucked from the distant past and plopped here in the middle of The Haunted Forest. They had the creeping sensation that once inside, they would find hundreds of confused fourteenth century peasants with no idea where they were or why.

Little did they know, an unseen force
had
plucked the castle from the fourteenth century and plopped it here. At its origin, hundreds of confused peasants stood around a gigantic crater wondering what on Earth just happened. “Witchcraft!” they cried as they tossed stones and hoped that an evil pink witch simply created an illusion, but no, the castle had truly vanished. Blame then shifted to an angry and spiteful God, and the peasants turned to rooting out the heretic responsible for this transgression. Random heads rolled, and the butterfly effect created turned the Statue of Liberty into a 400-foot-tall bronze platypus. Nevertheless, as fickle as time tended to be, the past was of little consequence now, since the castle resided comfortably in the twenty-first century.

Just outside its walls, a dolphin statue stood watch over the grounds. Within its stone glimmer, a dastardly twinkle caught their attention for but a moment. The water that normally flowed through the dolphin’s mouth was a bubbling pink liquid instead, and while the castle’s stone had a beaten, weathered feel, this statue seemed just recently carved. The heroes took no notice of it, since the more apparent threats distracted them. Just as a medieval castle should, this one came equipped with its very own moat. Its depths would undoubtedly send a person straight to hell if they happened to fall over the edge. That person would most likely be Captain Rescue, the clumsiest of clumsies, a nickname given to him during high school. The hero’s many faults aside, a drawbridge appeared to be the only way to bypass the daunting moat, but of course, someone left it raised. Before the heroes could even consider crossing the gap, they would first have to get around the dozens of nasty laser turrets, which were certainly not of the fourteenth century. 

These turrets sat on large pedestals woven through the chain link fence surrounding the entire castle grounds. They swiveled back and forth, remaining ever watchful as their red eyes blinked rhythmically. These vigilant turrets noticed a hapless pink hummingbird that happened to hover within their range. In an awesome display of power, one of the futuristic machines fixated on the humming bird and fired a single laser burst. They gasped in horror as it hung in the air for a brief moment and then fell to the ground, black and charred. The little guy picked himself off the ground, coughed out some smoke, and limped away while giving the machine the bird.

As an avid bird lover, one of the lackeys ran up to the turrets in a furious rage screaming, “You bastards!”

A few of the turrets rotated in his direction and started to power up. He immediately realized the error of his way and started to retreat. The turrets, however, did not heed to his surrender and swiftly vaporized him.

Another lackey, friend of the last, yelled “You bastards!” and met the same fate as his friend.

Charlie looked at the two smoldering ash piles. “Well… this is gonna be tricky.”

The turrets, aware of this fact, fired a warning shot. It flew past their heads and hit a vehicle parked on the side of the only road, leaving a black scorch mark in its wake.

“Now you listen here!” Captain Rescue bellowed as he stomped towards one of the turrets, shaking his finger at it. His aggression and finger shaking continued as four of the turrets fixated on the hero and taunted him to take another step. He played right into their crafty hands and took that single step they had been waiting for. The turret’s red lights brightened and their rhythmic blinking ceased.

With a high-pitched wail, the turrets commenced their assault by firing at Captain Rescue, who squealed like a frightened piglet and leapt backwards, narrowly escaping their vaporizing gaze. As another laser fired, he lost his footing and stumbled into the parked car nearby. His back slammed into the side view mirror, knocking it loose and leaving it dangling. The turrets fired again, and in a rush, Captain Rescue rolled to the side. The vaporizing blast hit the reflective surface and shot into the night sky. This caused another candle to appear over the hero’s head.

He tore the side view mirror from the car, and just as the turret readied another shot, spun around, dropped to his bottom, and held it in front of him. The laser burst erupted from the tip of the turret and milliseconds later blasted the mirror, only to be reflected towards the heavens. Like a kid who spent the greater part of his childhood playing air hockey, Captain Rescue reflected shot after shot of the relentless onslaught off into random directions. Impressively, he only missed a single laser. The hero breathed a sigh of release as it scorched the ground, singed his super pants, and came very close to a place he held dear.

Behind Captain Rescue, everyone else thoroughly enjoyed the show and cheered him on, just like parents cheering at their child’s first little league game. As the hero flung countless lasers about, one of them cut through the chain link fence, hit the dolphin statue on the side of its head, and left a nice gash its statue friends would find most stylish. The dolphin let out a most ominous groan, but kept its cool and tried to ignore the annoying humans that were invading the castle. Instead of the statue, if only Captain Rescue would have thought to aim for the turrets themselves, but that would be giving him too much credit.

After finally growing tired of the hero’s incessant laser reflecting, Dr. Malevolent stormed to the other side of the car, placed her foot firmly its door, and grabbed the other mirror. After a short struggle, she pried it off and cut into Captain Rescue’s self-indulgent act. One by one, the super villain reflected lasers back to the turrets, blowing them up. After each explosion, the remaining turrets let out an electronic sigh to mourn the death of their comrades. Once she finished the electronic massacre, Dr. Malevolent blew on her side view mirror like a gunslinger cowboy and tossed it aside. Mimicking her, Captain Rescue jumped to his feet and tossed his mirror aside as well. Everyone walked up to the smoldering fence, half scared to touch it.

“Did anyone remember their wire cutters?” Charlie asked.

“I DON’T NEED NO WIRE CUTTERS!” Freight roared.

He kicked the fence down, an act that became less impressive once one considered the weakness of the laser-riddled metal. To insure the safety of the
important
people, Freight grabbed the collar of yet another nameless lackey and shoved him through the newfound hole. Since nameless lackey number two was not vaporized, melted, exploded, incinerated, crushed, or spaghettified, the saviors of this world crossed into castle grounds. However, the coast was not clear, not really. Already, some unknown assailant had taken notice. The moment they crossed through the fence, its gaze fixated upon them. While this assailant remained anonymous, hiding in plain sight, the closer they came to the statue, the more its nature became apparent. As the mechanisms driving it switched on, beams of light erupted from cracks forming along its body. The dolphin collapsed onto its belly, and then rose slowly by its stone flippers, shaking like a wet dog to rid itself of loose debris. Freight beamed with excitement as he gingerly snatched up Courtney and kissed her for good luck.

The stone dorsal fin crumbled away and an intimidating metal spike took its place, ready to impale anything that got between it and the castle. As the dolphin launched itself into the air, spraying evil pink lemonade everywhere, the heroes almost gave up at that moment; this really wasn’t worth the effort. The airborne statue did back flip after back flip until crashing into the ground, leaving a vast crater in its wake. Its flippers extended into full-length arms and the bottom half of its body split to form makeshift legs. The dolphin opened its jaws wide and let loose a heavily distorted roar that practically burst their eardrums. Like a bull with a matador in its sights, the statue stomped on the ground and then commenced its charge. With a wild-eyed smirk, Freight fired at it. The slugs simply crashed into its stone hide and fell to the ground. Betrayal filled his eyes as he stared down at Courtney. The dolphin picked up speed, tearing gaping holes from the ground with each great stride. Freight grabbed hold of his shotgun and dove for cover along with everyone else.

Unlike Freight, the lackeys were blind to the gravity of the situation. They found their cellphones (and tweeting about saving the world) far more enthralling than the two-ton dolphin soon to make Shish Kabob of them. The situation’s gravity tried as it might to pull them into orbit and avoid their fate, but they wouldn’t hear any of it. The dolphin leaned forward, ready to joust. Still nose deep in their cellphones, the dolphin caught the lackeys by surprise as it crashed into them. The joust protruding from its back skewered two while the rest slid their cellphones into their pockets and scattered frantically. The dolphin came to an abrupt stop, and its entire body then undulated, launching the corpses towards the castle. They smacked into the wall and stayed stuck there for a few seconds before peeling away and falling into the moat. The remaining lackeys, who were still running around frantically, went for cover, but the dolphin was too fast for them. It grabbed another by the ankle and dangled him in the air as he screamed for his mommy. The dolphin looked directly at him then let loose another roar that muffled his screams and plastered his skin back.

The roar subsided and the dolphin opened it jaws wider, revealing the many rows of razor sharp teeth within. The lackey gulped just as the robotic monster snapped his head off. The dolphin tossed the twitching body aside and then jerked around to look at the heroes hiding behind the fountain. It opened its mouth wide; the lifeless head rolled around amongst its teeth. Then, with a blast of air, the dolphin spat the head towards the heroes. It bounced along the ground and came to a rest at their feet.

“What are we gonna do?!” Captain Rescue whined as he kicked the severed head away.

Freight shrugged. “IT’S NOT A ZOMBIE. I’M ONLY GOOD WITH ZOBMIES.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Charlie declared.

He stared down into the moat as its indeterminable depths faded to blackness. The bunny lifted his head off, set it on the ground, and then did the same with his plush gauntlets. It was go time. He grabbed a fistful of dirt from the ground and flung it at the dolphin in an attempt to draw its attention. As the creature reeled around to face Charlie, its piercing howl defeated them in pain once again. The bunny shook it off and threw another clump of dirt. Luckily (or possibly unluckily, depending on the following course of events), the ruse succeeded, and the stone dolphin bent over low to align its razor sharp dorsal fin to Charlie.

As it stood there about to charge, the possible outcome of this situation passed through the bunny’s mind. Jousted by a statue would most definitely be an interesting way to go—one for the history books no doubt, and sure, it would be
relatively
painless. His last thought before the beast charged was that of a giant blue bunny skewered upon its dorsal fin. The image made him chuckle for a moment, until he realized that if he did not leap from harm’s way, the thought would be painfully realized.

Fate, it seemed, was on his side this day. Charlie dove aside just as the stone beast slid across the ground like a baseball player gliding into third, but third base just happened to hover in midair over the moat. This fact was news to the dolphin, and it came screeching to a halt inches from going over. The robot struggled to keep its balance, and as the ground beneath it started to crumble under the monster’s weight, it lunged forward, but it was milliseconds too late. The dirt fell away and dropped the dolphin into the moat as its flippers dug into the ground in a vain attempt to hold on. With a few last great roars, the dolphin plummeted to into the abyss.