Not The Leader Of The Pack (8 page)
Neil tapped his foot on her wooden floor, but it sounded wrong. He glanced down and swore. His feet had grown and changed, bursting out of his sneakers and leaving his claws bare.
Sarah touched his hand. “A generation ago, a newly mated pair ran a whole month fully shifted, moon to moon, to celebrate the continuation of life in the pack. It wasn’t just a ritual. They needed it.” She closed her eyes. “I can’t tell you how beautiful it was, becoming myself in a way I never had before, under the trees, with him at my side. I wish the same for you.”
Her attempt at comfort couldn’t reach through the sick fear twisting Neil’s gut. Werewolves needed control to survive. She described a romantic reality whose time had passed. In the modern world, it just wasn’t possible. “I can’t even imagine what the Werewolf Council would do to me if I tried that.”
“Neil, you’re fighting the wrong battle with them. You’ve made Juli your enemy, when the two of you should stand together against this strangle grip.”
“Are you telling me you support joining the free packs in Wyoming after all?”
Sarah laughed. “Revolutions are for the young. When you get older, you learn how to have your private rebellions. We don’t need the wrath of Lewistown. Why not fight them from within? Fight them by example. Show them what werewolves ought to be. This full moon, shift with Juli. Fight with her. Mate with her if that’s where it takes you. Trust your instincts. Some people call this a curse, but Will always said the beast’s knowledge is our greatest gift.”
He sighed and pushed his chair back, pulling himself away from her and her fantasies of what his life could be. “How am I going to do any of that when I can’t control myself? If the wolf is bursting out of me every time I see Juli, I can’t go to the pack meeting to look for her and issue a challenge. I can’t see how any of that can work.”
Sarah whisked the empty plate off the table and turned back to her refrigerator. “Don’t think ahead so much. Do what feels right in the moment. When you called those investigators in, you did it because there was something you didn’t want to face. Stop avoiding it.”
Neil shivered. “Thanks for the talk.” He stood as well, antsy to get away from her uncomfortable truths. A run on the trail along the Bitterroot River might clear his head. It would be better if he could go in wolf form, but he still had days to go before the exemption kicked in. Irritation rose within him, and he knew it would take hours of exertion to still it again. Neil turned to go.
“I’m not sorry to upset you,” Sarah said dryly before he could disappear down her hallway. “You need to be upset. I hope the thought of her gets under your skin and won’t let go.”
He growled a little in the back of his throat and left her, his walk becoming a lope and then an aching, full-out run.
Chapter Seven
Juli paced and stared out at the Clark Fork River. The full moon would come in two days, and the accompanying urge to change itched constantly within her mind, making it hard to think. She sighed and dropped to a squat along the riverbank, toying with the rocks and driftwood scattered around her.
The ceremony that would swear her in as alpha of the Missoula Pack would start in less than 15 minutes, and the only werewolves who’d shown up so far were the Lewistown investigators. For the thousandth time that night, she second-guessed herself. She’d chosen to hold the event at the Jacobs Island Bark Park because she’d always liked the place, but what if the pack had been insulted that she’d chosen a dog park? When she’d lived in Missoula as a teenager, she’d liked to come here mid-month and sit among its pungent animal smells, with the river flowing by on either side of her. Some houses crowded into the view, but if she turned her head just so and focused on the hills rising up on either side of the river, she could transport herself to the wilds even though she sat in the middle of town.
She sighed and walked over to the Bark Park plaque she’d noticed tonight, which dedicated the place to “Heidi, Millie, Muffy, Buckwheat, and all other animals who enrich our lives.” Juli could easily imagine taking that the wrong way herself.
A boot crunched in the rocks behind her, and she smelled Heather Compton’s vanilla-scented perfume. “You should get in place,” the cool-voiced investigator said. “It’s almost time to start.”
Juli turned slowly, feeling gawky and disheveled beside the elegant woman. She fingered the leather ring she wore, trying to gain confidence from her father’s faith in her. Heather’s two companions flanked her, silent as always, even their smells subdued. “We haven’t got enough pack members to make the ceremony valid.” She drew in a shaky breath and looked quickly from side to side to make sure conditions hadn’t changed. “We actually haven’t got any pack members present,” she said darkly.
Heather’s lips curled into one of her mysterious smiles. “Werewolf Council officials are authorized to substitute for members of packs under our jurisdiction in all sanctioned rituals and ceremonies. We have more than enough present to proceed with swearing you in, along with additional guards to ensure Neil Statham and any followers he may have collected can’t disrupt the event.”
“That’s great.” Juli licked her lips, noticing that even on this rocky, sandy ground, Heather wore heeled boots. The other Lewistown officials seemed just as incongruous. She’d only been back in Missoula a couple weeks, and already she wondered how she could ever have been part of this stiff, reserved group. Neil’s rebukes at the meeting stung her every time she thought about them, and she couldn’t help speaking up. “Could Neil have been right, Heather? Is it wrong for me to take over without pack support? No matter what my father intended for me?”
The investigator frowned. “I did mean to speak to you along these lines, though not from that precise angle.” She paused, her hands steepled in front of her. Dark red nails gleamed in the light of the nearly full moon. “From the files I examined in the course of the investigation, you had a promising start to your career in Lewistown. I spoke with Gabriel, and he would be willing to reinstate you to your previous position, your resignation notwithstanding.” Juli started to protest, but Heather held up a hand. “You should consider whether you want to go through with a ceremony that invests you with responsibility for the actions of this pack—not because of the... democratic... objections Mr. Statham raised, but because of the potential consequences for you.” Heather dipped her head significantly in Juli’s direction. “If this pack attempts to secede from the Council, or even if it merely contains a critical mass of agitators, you’ll be held responsible, Juli. You will suffer consequences if your beta is as serious about causing trouble as he sounds. I would hate to see a good werewolf disciplined as a result of the actions of a bad apple.”
Juli sighed. She couldn’t turn away and go back to Lewistown just because she might get in trouble. She imagined the disgusted twist of the lips her father would get if he caught her bowing out of a duty in favor of personal convenience. Besides, Juli knew Neil would be punished severely if he succeeded in taking over the pack, then broke with the Council. She might have a chance of talking him out of that, or at least softening the blow for him. She didn’t agree with his position on pack leadership, but she couldn’t abandon him to the wrath of the Council after so many years of faithful service to her father. Even if nothing ever came of her own feelings for him, she still cared too much to leave him to his fate.
She shook her head firmly. “So long as it’s legal, I’m going ahead.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Heather took Juli by the elbow. “Come to the circle, then.”
The Lewistown officials had arranged river rocks into a rough circle at the tip of the island. The park had closed two hours before, and a few guards waited at the entrance to distract any patrolling city police. The moon rose high above them all, bright and tempting against the black backdrop of night. Juli almost panted for the change, every touch of moonlight teasing her toward it that much more strongly.
For a moment, she thought she caught Neil’s familiar scent. Her head snapped up, an embarrassing amount of hope surging through her. She peered into the night, searching for any flicker in the shadows surrounding the ritual space. Juli saw nothing.
Ancient tradition held that the swearing in of an alpha took place fully shifted, which meant these days the ceremonies usually took place on the full moon. Modern realities invaded, in this case. Due to all the regulations restricting the shift, every full moon bore the weight of so many delayed desires, needs, and pieces of pack business that what ought to be a werewolf’s monthly night of freedom sometimes brimmed with obligation. Too often, the occasion didn’t even allow time for the exhilarating run through the wilds that every werewolf longed for so desperately.
Juli couldn’t handle losing that this month. She needed to remember her father, and to honor him. She needed to find the places in the nearby woods where his scent still lingered.
Aside from that personal concern, practical matters dictated her swearing in be held in human form. By Council law, challenges issued took place on the next full moon. The situation with the pack had grown so volatile that Juli didn’t think challenges to her authority could wait a full month. Holding the event tonight meant any issues would be resolved soon—in two days when the moon finally reached its peak.
Her hands ached, longing to become claws, to resolve these considerations in the only way that truly made sense to her. She pulled her fingers tight against her palm and followed Heather to the center of the rock circle.
The ceremony began with each werewolf in attendance sniffing for Juli’s scent— supposedly to ensure the pack would recognize its new leader. As the Lewistown officials went through the motions, shame flushed through Juli. She felt the emptiness of using stand-ins keenly. This and all the traditional observances that followed had grown up among werewolves over the years as a first step toward bonding a new alpha with the pack. Like many ancient practices, they contained a physical intimacy rarely experienced in modern human society. Participants sank their noses into each other’s hair and stroked the lines of each other’s palms. Performing these actions this way, with werewolves she wasn’t going to lead, transformed what would have been a meaningful ceremony into the sham and mockery it was.
By the time Heather spoke the last set of ritual words, Juli’s face burned and her stomach churned. She could barely provide the proper responses, much less lift her head to look anyone in the eye.
The ceremony concluded, Juli needed to perform her first duty as the pack’s new alpha, namely, sit at the center of the circle to receive visits from members of the pack. Under normal circumstances, this would provide a chance for pack and alpha to get to know each other yet more deeply, without the constraints of ritual dictating what should be said or how long it ought to take. But none of the Lewistown officials came forward to speak with her, of course, since they had no need of her leadership or advice. Juli sat on a smooth, flat river rock, drew her knees up to her chest, and wrapped her arms around her shins.
She toyed with the leather ring her father had pushed onto her finger. What would he do in this situation? Was she truly honoring his wishes, or had she already gotten things terribly wrong in her dealings with Neil? She wanted to ask him so many things about the pack and how he thought about them, how he led them. More than anything, she wanted to ask about him. She knew a thousand details about the things he’d liked and what he’d done and said, but now that he’d gone, Juli wasn’t sure if she’d actually known who he was or how he felt. That ignorance mingled with the night’s humiliation to make her feel small, lost, and young, especially while sitting in the middle of the circle that had supposedly lifted her to a new height of authority within the werewolf hierarchy.
Juli fought desperately to hold back tears, not to mention the ever-present shift waiting just below the surface.
Then she caught that scent again, of leather and dirt, wet grass and red thread. No mistaking it this time. Neil. She caught her breath and slowly uncoiled herself. She wanted to greet him with as much confidence as possible. Her gaze scanned the night.
Water sloshed in the river to the left. The top of Neil’s head broke the surface. He rose up and onto the riverbank, dressed in swimming trunks and a soaked T-shirt that clung to every muscle in his torso. She had scented him earlier—he must have been waiting and watching all this time from the other bank of the river. He tossed unruly locks from his eyes and found Juli immediately. He stared right into her.
Juli shivered. The wolf within her wanted to howl, whimper, and moan from the power of his gaze alone. She resisted the urge, needing to hold herself together and receive him as befitted an alpha.
Behind him, others emerged from the water—Sarah Edmond in the front, and then the rest of the pack, one by one. Juli blinked and stared, but held her body tall. Her chin lifted and her eyes fixed on a spot just above Neil’s right shoulder. Looking straight at him seemed impossible, but she’d give up too much power if she allowed her gaze to drop to his feet the way she wanted.
Had they all come to declare their rebellion against the Werewolf Council here and now, at the most embarrassing time possible for Juli? Her heart pounded. She wanted to believe Neil intended something else. Without a clue of how to behave toward him, she turned to ritual for comfort, holding out her fingertips in the gesture proper for an alpha.
Neil strode gracefully ever closer, his steps so careful and elegant that he passed over stones and driftwood without disturbing them, and without the slightest hitch in his stride. If Juli hadn’t held her breath, he would have taken it away. Her nostrils flared and her muscles tensed from resisting the sensations he called forth from her body.
The Lewistown investigators stepped aside to allow Neil to enter the rock circle, though they barred the way for the rest of the pack. Tradition dictated werewolves enter one at a time until they recognized Juli’s position.
