Notes to Self (17 page)

“Do you understand what I’m saying? We all make mistakes. We all mess up. The trick is to wake up the next day and keep trying, keep showing up, keep jumping into the deep end even when it’s scary. When you ran away from home that time, I thought to myself, ‘she’s her father’s daughter.’ But please don’t be…you’ll miss so much. Participate, Robin. You have so many gifts.” She relaxed her grip on the chair and turned the music back on, quieter than it was before.

“I think I get it.” I whispered. I wouldn’t have minded having a long talk about what she thought these “gifts” might be, but I left it alone. We started signing again, Mom in her off-key warble and me in my tentative soprano.

When she went to the Publix to get us some movies out of the vending machine thingy, I made it Notes official:

I like to sing. Maybe I’ll do it in front of other people someday.

CHAPTER 38

DONUTS

We didn’t adopt a cat. My mom was lukewarm on having a litter box in our small apartment, but the real reason was that I couldn’t choose just one. So many sweet cats at the humane society needed homes. I asked the lady working there if I could come in to play with them and give out cuddles once or twice a week, and she said yes.

While we were there, looking at all the pretty calicos and tabbies and Maine coons, I went almost two whole minutes not thinking about Reno. It was a slight improvement over the morning.

After that, we went to the hospital. I brought a box of donuts. There was so much to say, though, that I forgot to tell Emily they were all for her.

I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. But I still search for reasons anyway. It’s like I don’t want to admit that maybe everything really is totally random…that people are just molecules in the air, bumping into each other and floating away again.

“I kissed Reno. Or he kissed me. Both, I think. Anyway, it doesn’t matter because he thinks it only happened ‘cause my feelings are all effed up because of my head injury. I finally realize I’ve been in love with Reen this whole time and get up the guts to do something about it, and bazinga: rejected. And the worst part is, I totally deserved it. I don’t know what to do, Em. Ever since it happened this morning, he’s all I can think about. I used to go weeks without thinking about Reno, and now I can’t even go ten minutes. If you can hear me you must be laughing your ass off somewhere in there. Did you ever think this would happen? I didn’t.”

I stopped. I sounded kind of giddy. I took a few deep breaths. Emily was lying ever-so-slightly on her side, as if she wanted to curl up into herself. “Sorry. You probably have better things to think about than my truly pathetic love life, but I just had to tell you. The kiss was…well, it was kind of amazing. It happened—oh this is the best part. It happened in his magnolia tree, up high on the platform with Spanish moss hanging all around us. If he hadn’t left right after, I think I would have stayed up there with him forever…” I trailed off, thinking about how nice it would be to still be in Reno’s tree, far away from everything else, protected by him and by the moss. “Anyway, but the thing is, he did leave and I kind of want to lie down next to you and sleep for a week. At least I don’t have to face him at school on Monday.”

I thought about how when Emily and I used to find each other every morning before homeroom, I always let her talk first. She usually had more to say, and it was just easier to let her get it all out before trying to tell her anything. It was one of her tiny little faults, that she only remembered to say “and how was
your
night?” after twenty straight minutes of recapping hers. Now, I missed it. It felt so unnatural to be the only one yammering on and on.

The door to her room, which was ajar, opened fully and a young man with red hair and freckles poked his head in. “Oh, sorry,” he said. “I’ll come back.”

“No, it’s okay,” I called out. I didn’t recognize him, but I didn’t want to hog Emily’s precious visiting hours all to myself if there was someone else who needed to speak to her.

He came fully into the room and I saw that he was wearing a paramedic’s uniform. He had a single flower in his hand, in a tiny bud vase. The smallness of it made it more touching, somehow, than if it had been a whole huge bouquet. “I wanted to see how she’s doing,” he said, setting the flower down on the table next to the bed. “I don’t mean to stay.”

“I…I think she’s the same,” I said. “She just won’t wake up. Were you…were you there that night?” I couldn’t remember Em saying she had any EMTs for relatives.

“I was. I’m Warren,” He stuck out his hand and I shook it, mystified. This person standing before me had saved my life. I saw the recognition bloom in his eyes. “Are you…were
you
there that night? You have short hair now.” He looked a little uncomfortable, like he wasn’t sure if he should be talking to me or not.

“Yes. I’m Robin. Thank you for, um, being there. Saving me.” I touched my hair self-consciously and I saw him bite his lower lip. He’d just figured it out that I’d pretty much
had
to cut my hair because of the whole brain injury thing. “Please stay a minute and talk to me.” I sat up. Maybe Warren could help me figure a few things out. “Please.”

“How are you? That was a bad fall,” Warren said. He sat on the one other chair in the room, but I noticed that he didn’t exactly lean back and make himself comfortable. “The worst I’ve ever seen, really, but I’m pretty new at this.”

“Yeah. Well. Um, I’m doing better than I was,” I said. “I feel pretty good. But I miss her.” I squeezed Em’s hand and took a few deep breaths so I wouldn’t cry. “I wish she was the one sitting here talking instead of me. She was a lot more interesting,” I added.

Warren smiled. “I’m sure she misses you, too. I bet she’s glad you’re okay.”

“Maybe. I wish there was something more I could do to help her. Right after I woke up, I was sure there was something I had to remember about that night. Something really important. But now I don’t know. Maybe I was just confused. Maybe I felt guilty because I landed on her and that’s why I’m okay and she’s not.
Did
I land on her?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” Warren said quickly. You could tell he didn’t want to say anything to upset me. It was frustrating. I could take it; I just wanted the truth.

“Dr. Kline said I was awake during the ride over here that night, but I don’t remember any of that,” I tried. I searched his honey-colored eyes with mine, but I didn’t remember anything new.

“That’s very normal,” Warren nodded.

“What was I saying?” I asked. I leaned toward him. “Do you remember anything?”

“You weren’t making any sense. I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you more.” Warren stood up. “I’m glad to see you’re okay. I always try to check on her when I have time, but I should go.”

“Thank you. I…thank you.” I put my hands in my lap and watched him, wanting more information than he had to give me.

Warren left, shutting the door gently behind him.

CHAPTER 39

SECRETS

Aunt Susan was supposed to arrive at the Marriott just off of International Drive at six p.m. Mom was seriously anxious as we waited for her in the ginormous lobby. She checked her watch every thirty seconds, and she kept redoing her low ponytail. If she didn’t knock it off, I was going to have to tell her to go wait in Max’s car.

“Mom, why are you so nervous?” I asked. “She’s your sister. I wish I had a sister,” I added in a lower voice.

“You wouldn’t understand,” she replied. I glared at her. Is there anything on earth more irritating than an adult telling a teenager they
wouldn’t understand
? “Sorry. We just have a lot of history that I don’t want to go into right now. We can talk about it later.”

“Fine. But I’m glad I invited her. She was probably lonely on her houseboat all of those years, did you ever think of that?” I said. I admit it: I was being a little asshole-ish. But seriously, if you have a sister you should make an effort to get along with her. Emily’s mom had four sisters, and there was always at least one of them at the Sampson’s kitchen counter, drinking coffee or wine and complaining about the traffic on I-4.

Speaking of coffee, Mom was sucking on a venti coffee from Starbucks, which she never does because she thinks it’s too expensive, and pacing around me. I really, really hoped that Susan wasn’t late. I couldn’t take this much longer. Thank God we’d arranged to meet her at the hotel and not at home. I’d have to lock my mother in my room or tell her to run around the block. “How does she make money?” I asked.

“Money?”

“Yeah. Like for food.” I loved the idea of living on a boat so much I wanted to start planning for it now. What sort of job could you do if you refused to go hang out on dry land?

“I have no idea. She probably paints or sculpts or something ridiculous. The last time I checked, she was a dreamer just like your father.” Mom seemed to think it was fine to
appreciate
art, just not
make
any of it.

We lapsed into silence, but then, thank Christ, I saw someone who had to be her come in the large sliding doors. She had one small suitcase and one big one, and wore a nice-looking pair of shorts with a jean jacket. Even though her hair was totally gray, Susan looked a lot like Mom. They had the same small build and blue eyes. She made a beeline for us. I watched Mom’s face, surprised that it was possible to see anger and love there at the same time. People baffle me; I’m not kidding. Susan dropped everything she was holding and hugged Mom so hard I wondered if either of them could breathe.

“Grace,” she gasped, finally pulling back after several long seconds. Her eyes glistened with tears and emotion. “Thank you for letting me…”

“Thank you for coming!” I finished for her. I gave Susan a hug—a gentle one—and grinned at her, determined not to let this reunion be weird. I gave Mom a stern look. She readjusted her hair yet again.

“Robin! It’s so nice to finally meet you,” she said, holding me out for an inspection. “You’re absolutely beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Mom said, as if the compliment was for her. “It’s…nice to see you, Susan.”

The two sisters hugged again, and I saw them both relax a little bit. They busied themselves with finding my aunt’s room as I explained about falling off the Sling Shot.

“Are you sure it’s okay for you to be out running around like this?” she asked. “How are you feeling?”

“It’s okay,” Mom answered, as Susan used one of those card thingies to open the door to her room. She sounded a little defensive. “The doctors say she’ll be fine. We’re very lucky.”

“I feel pretty decent,” I sat down on one of the hotel beds. “But my best friend Emily is still in a coma.” I stared down at the hotel carpeting, trying to get my face to stop itself from crumpling up. I didn’t want to cry today. But just saying the word
coma
out loud upset me, because I’d been doing research online the night before and the truth is, it’s far rarer for people to wake up from them than not.

When I had myself under control, I raised my head to see Mom and Susan looking at me uncertainly, waiting to see what I would do. I wanted them to talk to each other, to make up, so we could be a family of three instead of just two. “I’m going to the pool,” I announced. “You guys should stay here and talk.”

“But…” Susan started to say.

“Robin…” Mom began.

“Please,” I said. “I’ll be fine. I have my phone. Just talk.”

I disappeared before they had a chance to stop me. I hoped they wouldn’t start fighting. What could possibly make two people give up on each other like that? I half wanted to stand by the door and eavesdrop, but I headed for the elevator bank and found the pool like I said I would. The sun was just below the horizon. I saw a few stars already, the brightest ones, and laid on a lounge chair to look at them. I’d felt normal for so long, I was surprised when the world seemed to telescope. I was so sure I could reach out and touch one of the stars that I actually tried it. I raised my arm and grasped at nothing. It was a good thing I was alone…I must’ve looked like a total nut job. The pool was quiet. The only people I saw were subdued, as if they’d had a little too much theme park stimulation that day.

I thought about Mom and Susan up in the hotel room, hopefully making up, and I couldn’t help but feel angry with my mother, angry with both of them, for letting whatever this was—this fight, this estrangement—go on as long as it had. How dare they, when people got sick and hurt every day and didn’t get the chance? How dare they give up like they had, when other people didn’t have a choice? I vowed to never let something like that happen to Em and I if she ever got better. I wanted us to be like sisters, but better than sisters. Sisters that didn’t fight. Sisters that didn’t leave.

An hour later, Susan appeared and sat down on the chair next to me. “Hi there,” she said.

“Hey,” I answered, sitting up so quickly I felt light-headed. Had I been sleeping? It felt like it, but I didn’t remember dreaming. The sky was black but the pool area was all lit up. It was very pretty. This was a more luxurious hotel than I’d ever stayed at in my life. Not that I stayed in many. I hoped when Mom became a lawyer we’d be able to do stuff like stay in fancy hotels in big cities. The worst part about being poor is it’s so farking boring all the time. “Where’s Mom?”

“She’s resting. We had a good talk. She hasn’t been sleeping well, poor dear. I should have flown down here the moment I got her e-mail about your accident.” Susan leaned back in her chair. She looked sad, but I wasn’t sure why. It was annoying not knowing what was going on between this strange woman and my mother. Why were they so mysterious? “You have no idea how much mothers worry. I sometimes wonder if, the moment you have a child, you stop really sleeping forever.”

“What did you guys fight about?” I asked.

She looked at me, as if deciding something. “We fought about…choices.”